My husband and I have been together since I was 13 and he was 15. We have been married since 2001. My (former) best friend was my friend since before he and I got married, and she had a fiance. My husband is my world to me. I love him so much, not just because of all that we have been through in the past 11 years, but for that special connection I felt with him. I don't want to be with anybody else or on my own so that's why I'm writing this. He was sleeping with my "best friend" for about a month when I found out. I found out from her fiance. After the inital shock and depression, I forgave him and he said he was sorry (but he didn't seem to have much remorse) and about 2 weeks later he screwed her again before a job interview. We were doing just fine for the past month and a half or so Wednesday when I walked in on them in bed together (not doing anything in bed, just laying there), took my wedding ring off and threw it at him. I went to the courthouse to get divorce papers. I was sure I was going to divorce him. Now he is grieving and remorseful, and seems to be his old self again. He was crying how sorry he was and how he will do anything to win me back and save our marriage. He never cries. This time I believe he is sorry, but am I setting myself up for heartache again? We don't have kids, but we wanted to have kids someday, so that's on the back burner. All I want is him and I want to work it out, but I've got to look out for ME. I'm better than that. I'm a very naive and forgiving person, so I'm easily walked on. I have a feeling I'm going to give it one more chance (even though I've said it before twice). I just feel so betrayed and lost and confused right now. Any thoughts?

Howdy Tiffany,

Welcome to the Recovery and Discovery Affair Forum. I'm very sorry you had to find us however you've found a safe place along with alot of caring, sharing and wisdom from the folks here.

Hopefully the first thing this site provides new members is letting them (you) know you are not alone.

The title of your post..."How to Forgive Your Husband..." says alot. In my opinion forgiveness is the easy part. Its the journey to get there that is difficult.

First of all he needs to earn it and that is going to take time. Is he answering all your questions? Has he made himself an open book to you? Has he told you everything? Has he told you why he thought he had the right to step outside the marriage? What is he willing to do to make you feel safe?

On top of that you are dealing with the betrayal of your best friend... the person you most likely would have turned to for help. Talk about a double whammy.

There are some good books out there:

• The Monogamy Myth by Peggy Vaughan
• After the Affair by Janis Abrahms-Spring
• How can I forgive you by Janis Abrahm Spring
• Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass

Read as much as you can. Knowledge is power.

Try to eat, sleep and exercise(I know that is difficult) but you must try. If you need meds, get to a doc ASAP.

Think about what you want...what must happen for the marriage to continue.

We're here when/if you need us.

Regards,

Tex

Edited: typos

Tiffany, I know what you're feeling. My W had her affair with one of my best friends as well. This double betrayel is a very tough nut to crack.

First thing you should to is print out Tex's post and read it every morning. Set goals for yourself every day, give yourself something to focus on. Items like "I will eat 3 meals today", or "I will try to get some rest today" are good ones to start. One of my goals almost from the beginning may seem strange, but I wanted to someday be able to joke about my W's affair with her. Humor has always been my way of dealing with life's stress, and early on in recovery, NOTHING made me smile, let alone laugh. Getting my sense of humor back was paramount to my sanity. And yes, that goal I mentioned WAS achieved.

As for the friend, my thinking is that they couldn't have been that good of a friend if they were willing to betray your friendship for a roll in the hay.

We tell people here that one of the goals in affair recovery is to make the Other Person (OP) a non-issue in recovery, as they aren't the ones you're married to.

In situations like ours, it's much tougher to do that, as not only do we KNOW the OP, they are/were a great friend!

I wish you courage and strength. We'll be here to help,
Cory

You are not a human being having a spiritual experience, but a spiritual being having a human experience.