Yes, I'm still around. Stinging only a little from the big -well deserved - 2x4 across the head from a week or so ago, but that's not why I haven't been writing.
Actually, my company asked me to attend a convention on the other side of the country, so I spent the first few days of the week preparing for that, and I've been here since Wednesday. I figured I needed to get the hell out of my poisoned house, but I thnk my wife did too. I know she did...so I figured out a plan (a couple weeks ago when I was asked to go) to get her & my kids to go with me.
Her sister lives a couple hours out of the city in which my convention is located, so we checked with her and she invited us out for Thanksgiving...so we decided just to make a big family event out of my convention. Like I say, we needed to get out of that house, so this came at the perfect time.
So, we're getting along well now...much better I think than any time previous (since D-Day, anyway). We have been talking a LOT...have had a few bad days for her (one really bad one when she discovered some of the things OM has been saying about her to his W, which made her feel used and cheap and angry...and it seemed like she was a little sad that her lover rejected her so much...but that could just be my interpretation), and some bad days for me (especially when I attend this conference surrounded by beautiful women who are impressed with what I do and who I work for, so they flirt with me and treat me as if I were special and desirable - hey wait a minute, I AM special and desirable! - and I get those thoughts in my head that wouldn't have been there if this A hadn't happened....different thread).
But for the most part, we're more than civil with each other and are even trying to regain some of the intimacy we lost. Not just in bed (yes, we buried that demon, although it's still very difficult for me...EVERY time...but I know it will get better), but the little things we both let slip away due to the "machine" that our marriage had become. Things like holding hands...showing affection for each other in public - and especially, in front of our children...being truly courteous to each other, and meaning it...looking into each others' eyes when we talk...truly listening, even when we're arguing...complimenting each other to build each others' self esteem. It is all helping.
My thoughts are still consumed with the pain and heartache of what she's done, but I'm trying to train myself to pull those thoughts out of my mind when I'm doing something else...trying to get rid of the noise. It mostly comes when I'm not with her, surprisingly enough...because she's doing a very good job of reassuring me lately that she knows what a horrible mistake she's made and is truly regretful and remorseful. She still has her selfish moments, which I know she's trying to break. She just doesn't always recognize them as such, so that's when we get into arguments. Yes, it's a two way street (not completely, but I know I carry some of this load on the way to recovery), so I'm also trying to recognize those triggers in my personality that make her resentful or set her off.
So, I guess this means we're starting to heal, doesn't it? It certainly feels more positive. I think it was a good idea for us to get away for a while. We'll only have 2-3 more weeks left in the poisoned house when we get back. Maybe the new house will help us have this feeling that we're having now, every day.
Thanks for asking about me. You are good friends.
This message has been edited by bobmorbitzer on Nov 19, 2005 8:47 PM This message has been edited by bobmorbitzer on Nov 19, 2005 11:44 AM
Thanks for the update. I've been wondering how you (and Mrs Bob) have been doing. Sounds to me like a trip out of town has been/will be a good thing for the both of you.
Its damn hard under the best of circumstances to work through this. The fact that your home is a BIG trigger just makes this so much more difficult. I hope Mrs Bob understands that.
<<< We have been talking a LOT...have had a few bad days for her (one really bad one when she discovered some of the things OM has been saying about her to his W>>>
Just my opinion here but Mrs Bob should focus on how she feels about herself...and how you feel about saving your marriage. Now she knows she almost threw away everything for...nothing.
<<<and some bad days for me (especially whan I attend this conference surrounded by beautiful women who are impressed with what I do and who I work for, so they flirt with me and treat me as if I were special and desirable - hey wait a minute, I AM special and desirable! - and I get those thoughts in my head that wouldn't have been there if this A hadn't happened....different thread).>>>
Think of it this way Bob, try to imagine adding guilt to how you already feel. Even of you didn't feel guilt if you were like me then the sense of letting yourself down is a hard pill to swallow.
<<<Not just in bed (yes, we buried that demon, although it's still very difficult for me...EVERY time...but I know it will get better)>>> It WILL get better Bob. Those movie reels will fade in time.
Hang in there buddy. Wishing you and Mrs Bob a Happy Thanksgiving.
>>I'm trying to train myself to pull those thoughts out of my mind ..trying to get rid of the noise. It mostly comes when I'm not with her, surprisingly enough<<
Not at all surprising, Bob. It's when you're alone with your thoughts that the doubts and second-guesses creep in. That's what happened to me, and that's when I found the "thought-stopping" techniques most helpful.
Hang in there. And just play dumb when women flirt with you.
You said, “We have been talking a LOT...have had a few bad days for her (one really bad one when she discovered some of the things OM has been saying about her to his W, which made her feel used and cheap and angry...and it seemed like she was a little sad that her lover rejected her so much...but that could just be my interpretation),”
Bob, to me this is an indication that your W is not totally out of the fog yet. If she were, she probably wouldn’t care what OM says about her and just realize that OM is probably trying to reason with his own situation or wife. The cop is probably saying the typical male betrayer responses like “It was just sex. She (your W) didn’t mean anything to me, blah blah blah.” Ironic isn’t it. Your wife probably feels betrayed by OM. Your wife wants to think that she meant something special to OM. Then your wife will realize that she sacrificed so much for what? OM thinks of her as just a piece of ass (sorry for the crudeness but I’m trying to drive a point home with guy talk). But Bob, look at the bright side, this above all else will clear your wife’s fog away. Then you two can get down to some serious reconciliation. I see hope in your immediate future, buddy.
“”””So, I guess this means we're starting to heal, doesn't it? It certainly feels more positive.””””
Yes it does seem that way. But don’t kid yourself; there will be plenty of bad days ahead for both of you. Just keep coming here and talking it out as they occur. The affair roller coaster is a real bitch (meant as a non-gender figure of speech). But the peaks and the bottoms get less and less severe as time goes on.
I was reading this thread. You mentioned "thought stopping techniques".
PLEEEEASE let me in on them. I am obsessed with those thoughts at times. Like a bad movie played over and over. Then I go to sleep and dream them too. I need a break from my own mind for goodness sake. Then I get mad at my H for causing all of this and just want to scream.
Then he comes home and is doing something really benign like watering plants or polishing the chrome on his cycle or something and I think, hmmmmm same old thing just another day to him, while I am in emotional hell.
Well, if I talked to him about my feelings every single time I felt this way then I do not think he could handle it. I mean geez, it is every day. I can not just come up to him everyday after work and say things like " I am thinking about your affair and the pain it has caused me again, still, and I am still having a hard time and today is ANOTHER bad day". No one wants to be around a person who is negative and whining all the time.
If I could just not think about it so much and get into a more positive frame of mind then ...
I wonder if it would help if he bent over backwards to make me feel loved and appreciated and maybe even apologize everyday? Idon't know. Maybe nothing will ever be enough. I want to forgive him and stay together and move on, but I am not sure this is realistic. But, I must forgive him whether we stay together or not, this I know.
So let me know about these thought stopping tecniques.
Thanks
Teresa
One technique that I used was putting a rubber band on my wrist and every time you think about it pull it to sting your wrist and tell yourself stop. Make a date with yourself for about 1/2 hour a day at first to "allow" yourself to think about the A and the rest of the day is out.
Charlie beat me to it. I used the rubber band too.
I also (because the thoughts came to me when I was driving for my job during the day) shouted out loud "STOP!" until I could redirect my thoughts. Sometimes all it took was turning on a radio station that I liked, and hearing a song that took me to a different time and place.
Although I have to admit that sometimes I did just give in and give myself two or three or five minutes with the thoughts. But then I stopped, usually telling myself out loud, "Okay, enough." Then I'd think about work, or my sons, or the ever-popular "calm place"...which for me is floating in the warm blue water of the Caribbean.
