H is very remorsefull and doing all the right things. We are in MC and IC. D-day was 6/29/05 and 8/12/05. NC since then. H had a 5 month A with Co-Worker and 2 ONS. I had no idea of all this sh#! was going on. Our marriage seemed to be good I thought and so didn't my H think so. (that's what he says) So why did he do this stuff? He said he was being childish and selfish and puts no blame on me he says that I have been a great wife. Well if I was so great how come he had all of these A's? I am struggling with the way that I feel about myself and I am literally sick over this. I have lost 30 pounds since I found out. How do I get over this? I look at him differently now and it makes me sad. We have 2 children 10 and 7 and we have been married for 12 years. I really want to make this work but I am just struggling with all of these emotions. How come I wasn't good enough?
Annette, I'm sorry that you are going through this. But welcome to a safe place to talk about it. We have all been through it.
Your H having affairs has nothing to do with whether you were good enough. It had nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. It was as he said "selfish". It was all about him. You could have been the best wife, best woman in the world and your H would still have had an affair. It has to do with an emptiness inside of him, a void in his character.
The first year after d-day is all about survival. It sounds like you and your H are doing all the right things. I know how it makes you feel with emotions all over the place. You don’t think of him the same any more. Everything goes through the “affair filter”. It feels like you don’t know what was good or what was bad in your marriage. Like you are lost or are going crazy. You question everything about your life, right?
Just keep reading and talking about it if that helps. We have all been through this. I does get better with time.
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you had to find us.
<<<How do I get over this? >>>
Unfortunately this isn't something you "get over". This is something you "go through". Its like a rollercoaster ride through hell basically... ups, downs, twists, turns and just when you think the ride is over, it can(and usually does) start all over again.
H2C gave you some great advice...this was NOT about you. Remember that.
I was happy to read your H is taking responsibility for his actions and y'all are in counselling. Hopefully it will help him to discover why he gave himself permission to become selfish in your marriage.
I don't know if you find yourself doing this yet but don't be surprised if you find yourself asking the same questions over and over and over. No you are not crazy for doing this and no its not about punishing him...its about looking for consistency in what he says. Trust has been broken(to put it mildly) and it takes a very long time to rebuild it.
There will be setbacks along the way(triggers, frustration, anger, etc)...those are normal too. Its especially hard after a few reasonably "good" days to just be blindsided( triggered) and you find yourself right back at the beginning. It'll be frustrating as hell for the both of you...and tiring...and...and...
Be kind, gentle and especially patient with yourself.
From the sounds of your post you are both off to a good start. We are here when/if you need us.
You just have to struggle through it. I am 4 weeks from d-day (Oct. 28), and still struggling to get through it, one day at a time. My h and I have also been married for 12 years, 3 kids, 11, 9 & 5. I too am not to blame, it was all his fault, etc., etc. That doesn't change how I feel. Hurt, anger, betrayal, and everything in between. One minute I am ok, the next I want to scream at him and make him hurt as bad as I do. One minute is is a jerk, the next I love him more than anything in the world. We can get through it, but it will take a lot of time. A LOT of time. I wish you luck, I know I need it.
Thank you so much for your response's. I am so glad that I am not going crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am loosing my mind. I have seen 2 of these women that H had sex with 1 was the 5 month A and the other was a ONS. I found them to be very unattractive. Why would H sleep with someone less attractive. Don't get me wrong I am no 10 but I am much better looking than what H was with. My H used to work nights so it made it very easy for him to hide this from me he has since changed to a day job and is accountable for his whereabouts. H claims that these women which where all married also approached him. Because of his position at his work it wasn't OK to do this. Is this possible? I said to H that he had too be sending off some kind of signal to these women to make them feel it was OK to approach him. H was having sex in her car and hotels at his lunch break or after work. A couple of times in the workplace also. This whole thing just makes me sick to think about. When will I feel safe? My H gets irritated with me when I ask ?'s about the A's. I am one of those people that needed to no everything, all details. I guess I am trying to figure out if sex was different or better or what? I don't know I have so many ?'s for you guys I just don't no where to start. I am so glad I have someone who understands how I am feeling.
""""I am one of those people that needed to know everything, all details.""""
Me too and I sorta regret it at 3 1/2 years out. But it was the only way I could cope with my wife's affair back then. Don't beat yourself up over this.
Regarding OW's looks, it goes both ways around here. Some complain about the OP being too nice looking and then others complain about OP was not nice looking. Both ways is really hard to understand.
The best thing that a person can do in the very beginning after d-day is try with all their might not to let your mind run a muck and believe me, I know how hard that is. Think about how settled your thinking was before the affairs and now your mind is all over the place like you are going crazy. So many questions need answered, so many dynamics like peeling layers of an onion.
My wife and I journaled back and forth because our conversations would sometimes get out of hand and emotions would fly all over the place. Maybe you and your H could just write back and forth for a while on the affair stuff.
"I am one of those people that needed to know everything, all details."
I am too, and my wife has been very open and honest about them, no matter how much it hurts either of us to discuss it. My imagination can create scenarios that are infinitely worse than the reality, so even 8 weeks out, I still ask detailed questions when new thoughts or imaginative scenarios pop into my head. Of course, I'll never be certain that she's telling me the truth, but I keep asking in order to make sure the consistency in the answers remain, just exactly like Tex said.
"Why would H sleep with someone less attractive."
This is an interesting one that I think is very well explained in the book, "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage" by William F. Harley Jr. Now, I know the second half of that subject is now laughable, but I've found this book to be very good at explaining why people find themselves and their marriages in situations that catalyze affairs. And because I'm serious in my hope for recovery (and possibly reconciliation), I think this is something that I need to learn. Especially if there's any chance in hell that my relationship with my wife (maybe not my marriage as we know it) will survive.
Addressing things like your question about less attractive lovers...according to this book, it had nothing to do with attractiveness, and everything to do with filling an essential need that he perceived he wasn't getting in the marriage (whether that was truly the case or not). If you can identify that and are willing to at least try to understand it and maybe remedy it, it might make your recovery easier. I don't know...I'm still struggling with it myself. That just seems to be working on one level for me.
There's still a psychological aspect of the WS' personality that made them take this step, which we may never understand...but I'm finding out that it at least helps to understand the reasons leading up to that lapse in judgement. There are many, and no single book seems to address all of them.
<<<My wife and I journaled back and forth because our conversations would sometimes get out of hand and emotions would fly all over the place. Maybe you and your H could just write back and forth for a while on the affair stuff.>>>
Once again H2C has given you some great advice.
You might even consider writing your questions down also and letting him write his answers. That accomplishes a few things :
(1) gives him time to actually think about what he has done and a chance to be truthful with you and himself instead of responding with defensiveness.
(2) You have the answers right there in front of you. No chance for him to say "I didn't say that" or for you to misinterpret what he said.
I have been journalling ?'s about H, A's and this seems too work for me also. I wasn't doing this at 1st and I found that doing this saves us from getting in a heated discussion. My H has alot of shame and guilt from this and I feel like I need to heal him and me at the same time but this is impossible. I just want us to be happy. It's like mourning a death but there isn't closure because they are still around. Sometimes I question if I should stay because this is one thing that I told myself that I wouldn't tolerate. So I guess I am dissapointed in myself for going against my own rules. But I still love him and he was a good H before all of this. H says that he loved me through this whole thing and he was never planning on leaving me but he told the MOW that he was and that he loved her (I met with MOW and my H together). H told me that he said those things because that's what she wanted to hear and he was confused. He says there was a point that he thought he loved her but I guess he came to his senses. What do I beleive? H says that if he didn't love me that he wouldn't be with me and he realize's what a terrible mistake he has made. I am so confused!! I thought the I love you's where only for me. How do I get back the special feelings that I had? Thank you all for listenning and responding I find this to be real helpfull.
You said<<<I feel like I need to heal him and me at the same time but this is impossible.>>>
You will hear this alot...there are 3 healings taken place: yours, his and the marriage. You need the first two to make the third happen. He needs to heal(forgive) himself. You need to focus on YOU. Not to mention he should be helping you feel safe. Him getting irrated is NOT going to accomplish that. He has lied so much to you in the past it will take time for you to believe when he tells you anything. That's why I mentioned the word "consistency" in an earlier post.
<<<It's like mourning a death but there isn't closure because they are still around>>>
Exactly. You need time to mourn the death of your old marriage and try to build a new one. Does your H understand that? Your old marriage is dead. Think of it this way...why would you want something back that has led to so much pain? You are attempting to build something new on an old foundation.
<<< H says that if he didn't love me that he wouldn't be with me and he realize's what a terrible mistake he has made.>>>
Once again...Yup. Does he also understand if you didn't love him there would be no 2nd chance? You are giving him a gift.
<<<How do I get back the special feelings that I had?>>>
They are still there, just buried under all that pain. Not to mention that internal battle most BS goes through(I said I'd leave if I was ever cheated on). We beat ourselves up alot even considering staying with someone who betrayed us in the worst possible way. Without expecting an answer pose the question to your H. How would he feel? Maybe that will help him understand when he gets irritated. Also explain you are trying to give him the chance to earn your trust back. Repeating myself here: it's not about punishing him(well maybe alittle,we want them to know the depths of our pain), its about healing you...hence the marriage. At least in the beginning it needs to be about the BS.
Regards,
Tex
This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Nov 26, 2005 5:02 PM
I know exactly how you feel. My husband says the same thing, that it wasn't me it was him, but it kills me that he saw something in another person. It kills me that he called her. I know I am better than this woman. I have had contact with her, and she is nothing compared to me, but he obviously saw something. It makes me sick thinking about it. I have to move on. I want this to work, and I know I can't keep bringing it up.
