I have been looking for a place like this for awhile. It has been 4 months and 7 days since D-day for me, my H had an A with an old friend of his that he hooked-up with at a wedding. It started with the E-mails, then the phone calls, then the meeting after work, (she works very close by his work which drives me crazy!!!) I found a message one night about how much she loved him and missed him and wanted her voice to be the first he heard each morning.. (Okay, I want to puke too). That was like the floor was pulled out from under me. I was so mad I couldn't even cry. Well that changed quick, as I found that the shower is a good place for that. No one can hear you sobbing in there. Then I was scared, furious, embarassed, humiliated, all at one time, plus being depressed. He has tried and stumbled and tried again to stop hurting me, he is a good father and until this came up, we had a good marriage, 15 years. He was the one that said that he would never, never do that. Nothing was worth doing that, well...I guess if he can, anyone can.....Well as I said, he has stumbled and tells me how sorry he his, how much he loves me and how much of a fool and a jerk that he is, I agree, but I still love him. We have done counseling, and that seems to have helped us alot. We have two kids, a teenager that is bi-polar and one 7 year old. They need their dad in their life in a family unit.
I know it's only been a short time, he is trying very hard to make amends to me, but I am going to ask the impossible question. When does this agony go away? When does the paranoia, the doubt and the mistrust go away? It hurts so much inside, when I am alone, I think "How could you do this to me???" I either cry or get angry or think about what I would like to do to the OW. Ripping her face off might make me feel better, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of attention. I hate that she even draws breath. I have sat in the parking lot where she works, why I don't know. Maybe just to get glimpse of her face when she sees me there. I hate her, I hate her. She is poison. But I am above her (by the way, she is married too, tramp that she is).
It helps to know that there are so many others out there that are in this unfortunate club, and there is a place to vent. But he put me here, and now I have to be adult and sane enough to pick the pieces of my life up and try to heal, but how?.... Any thoughts????

Hi Jessa! I just wanted to say "Hi".I am sorry that you have had to find us. I do not have much to offer as I am kinda new here too. Please know that there are some great people here who will listen & help. This is the only outlet that I have & I am so thankful for everyone here.You can read my stories on other posts but I too had a wonderful H who said he would never cheat or hurt me. HA! Anyway, I cry everyday & I too get mad.Some days I want to stay but lately I've been wanting to go. I have 4 children & no money, so that is what has kept me here since D-day.My H is trying hard but I'm not sure I can stay with him because of the depth of the pain & all the lies. I can never look at him the same way & I can never love him the way I did before. It's all dead & I have to decide if I can bare to start over with him. Please take care of yourself & I hope you & your H can be happy again.

I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here,I am also fairly new but you will find quickly that coming here and posting or just reading other posts that you identify with will help you a great deal. The people here have great advice and I have found that I can always come here to find the kind of support I get no place else because the people here have been in my shoes and they know exactly how it feels. I don't know if the agony will ever go away,it's only been 4 months since my D-Day and I am still struggling with my marriage whether to stay or go,right now I have decided not to decide atleast for now. My H has lied and lied and lied again so I find it very hard to trust him and am always in "investigation mode" I hate that he has turned me into this person and had no concern for how it would affect me on a day to day basis. It seems to me that he just goes on about life while I struggle to get out of bed sometimes. I know from reading posts from people who have dealt with this for a long time that things will get better but I've also learned that only you know your limits on what you can take and what you can't. Only you can decide what's best for you. Good Luck.

Amy

I know what you mean Amy about being in investigation mode. I was that way for 1 yr. Now I don't snoop as much as I did because I busted him for the A but I do question every little thing. I hate being this way too. Wish I could be like JO DEE MESSINA when she sings her newest song "MY Give A Damn's Busted!". I wish I just didn't care anymore.He deserves to lose his family & have to start over.

My pain is fresh as well...a little short of 9 weeks since D-Day. I too feel like this pain is so strong that it will never, ever go away. And I think that it can't really, because if we forget, it could happen to us again.

But in reality, it can't go away...can it? How can we ever look at our spouses without missing that indescribable comfort we had in knowing they would always be true to us? How can we ever take comfort in our faith in that person - even if they show true remorse and show us by their actions that they won't do it again - because we now know that they "have it in them" to do such a horrible, horrible thing? How can we ever look at pictures of the happy life we once had before the affair and not think that they cared so little for those good times that they would throw it all away because they were selfish, horrible people, even if only for that short time? How can that third person in our bed when we make love ever be truly gone, wondering if this is how they "did it", or thinking that they were feeling the same pleasure as they are right now with the OP? Was it better because it was different? Even if they say it wasn't, does it matter? It still wasn't with us, and they were experiencing that pleasure of the moment, so it's something that can never be taken back or truly forgotten, is it?

How can we have the same dreams of a truly happy life for the rest of our lives with our spouse that we had before, knowing they could have such disregard for the dream we spent so much time building? How can we ever have that true, deep love that only comes from the most heartfelt respect for that person's very soul when they can show so little respect for us that they can make such a horrific decision? How can we consciously share the pride in raising our children with someone who had so little thought about their innocence and happy family life by throwing away everything that is moral and right to them? How can we not be hypocritical when we allow them teach our children about what is moral and good, when they chose not to be themselves?

I'm sorry...this doesn't help answer your question. It only makes it worse. But know that you are not alone in having these feelings. Our sage advisors (Sage included) tell us that these feelings subside with time. I hope...truly, truly hope that this will happen, because this has shattered everything that we thought was right. Everything that truly gave us faith in that ultimate state that we thougth was LOVE. Our innocence is lost. Thrown away by the person who was supposed to shelter us from pain. It's not only not right, it's wrong in the most horrible, hateful, disrespectful sense of the word. How can that ever be made right again?

Howdy Jess,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you had to find us.

<<<I have to be adult and sane enough to pick the pieces of my life up and try to heal, but how?.... Any thoughts????>>>

You might come to hate this 4 letter word concerning affair recovery: TIME. Be patient with yourself. Every moment is consumed with thinking about the affair and having emotions so intense they literally cause physical pain...especially early on in recovery. Can't eat, can't sleep and feel like you are going insane. It really IS a process...a very slow one unfortunately. That is why we stress doing the best you can to take care of yourself physically until your mental and emotional selves catch up. Getting through each day is a victory, don't forget that.

What helped me was staying as busy as I could. I found new hobbies and rediscovered old ones. I changed my normal routine, rearranged furniture...whatever I had to do to get through the day.

You will get there in time Jess. All of you will. Lean on each other(we have a chatroom if y'all wanna talk). Vent when you need too. We're here when/if you need us.

Once again, welcome to the forum.

Regards,

Tex