First, thanks again for all your reposonses to my "Advice Please" post yesterday. Later yesterday the OW continued e-mailing me and the real "her" started to show again. She had the nerve to tell me that she thought I was really nice and deserved better than my H has given me (like I don't know that??), and that if she was me she would throw him out, blah blah blah. I could have killed her - how dare she give me marital advice???? I was proud of myself though - I just e-mailed back that I would be more than happy to discuss the situation of H and OC but that I would not discuss me or my marriage with her. To her credit she agreed she had been out of line and would not do it again (we'll see). Anyway, she also went on to say that she told H that since he hasn't been to see OC in awhile and hasn't decided what he wants in the future, she wasn't going to deal with it anymore and that if he wants to see OC he can officially request visitation through the court. She tells me she has gone to the Child Support office and will be requesting CS through the courts. I think this is really just more maniupulation on her part - another attempt to get H to go back to seeing OC because she knows he doesn't really want the CS done through the court due to his work situation. She even had the nerve to say that if I do go to this event today and see them that she hopes I won't make a scene or anything. What - she doesn't want to be embarrassed or made to feel uneasy? Never mind the hurt and shame she's caused me, but she's worried about me making her life difficult? So by the end of all the e-mails it was good to know that she's really the same manipulative ***** she's always been.

Anyway, I asked H if he had been to see OC since we got back from our trip, and said that I really don't have a problem with it if you did, but I need to know. He said he had not. I then told him that OW had called me at work and said he had. He got mad that she had called me, but swore he had not gone to see them. He called her and asked why she lied to me, and she said that she must have gotten the weekend mixed up - that he was there the weekend before our trip, not after. What a bitch! After that, H and I had what felt like a really good discussion. He told me she told him about wanting official child support and he said he was trying to look at it as a positive thing - that he wouldn't have to discuss anything with OW once that is done, he would pay less, etc. Then for the first time he really talked about his fears if he decided not to see OC. Would OC grow up thinking H didn't love him, how could he explain not being around if OC ever asks when he's older, how would H handle the pain of not being in OC's life, etc. All I could do was say that I only imagine what a difficult decision it is, and that if he does decide this I will always be willing to talk if he is having a bad day. That if he's having a day of real doubt or pain, he remind himself that he is doing this in an attempt to devote more energy to our M and eventually having a child, that he is doing this in an attempt to give OC a less complicated life, etc. Certainly if there was ever a situation where OC REALLY needed him, things could change. The more we talked the more evident it is to me that H's desire to see OC maybe isn't so much a desire to see that child as it is a desire to be a father. I can understand that a little better, and feel like we've made a big breakthrough by discussing it.

Sorry to have rambled on, but there was a lot going on last night!

Oh my God! You have a full load going on, and you still managed to make it. Good for you! Sometimes it seems that certain people come from another planet where there is no respect for peoples’ feelings. Sounds like OW is very sarcastic and cynical. Don’t let her get on your nerves and don’t let her be the subject of another argument with H. Not so much for consideration to him, but because the more you talk about her the more control she has. About OC, H should make an effort to have a relationship with C, but you don’t have to participate unless you really want to. Whenever he spends time with OC, make this time you time out to do something you like or something new. Keep your face up, and show that you are the bigger person in all this.

DB, I can see that the OC is a real problem for you to work into your marriage recovery. I think that it should be handled through the courts. That way there will be less confusion of who is responsible for what. And I figure that a few years from now after you two have had your own child or two you will be waaaaay more comfortable with OC in your H's life if you guys reconcile well. I don't think OC is the real problem. The problem is the required connection to OW that the child represents. I know that I would feel threatened if for some reason there was a forced connection with my wife's OM.

The fact that your H is sharing his true feelings with YOU about OC and his responsibility for him is a "big step". Even when you hear stuff that hurts or don't want to hear, try to make it comfortable for your H to talk to you. This above all helps with the communications that are so badly needed right now. And I'm glad you confronted him on the seeing OC issue. See, doesn't it feel better that it has been aired and now you know who tells the truth and who doesn't rather than living in darkness wondering.