I keep reading that things get better with time & I do believe that. I just have a few questions.How long did does it normally take before you start trusting the WS again? I know I will never trust my H very much but does there come a time when you stop questioning their every move & motive? Is a couple of yrs. reasonable? For those couples that stayed together, are you glad you did? Is it really worth all the pain & effort? H & I want to stay together but a part of me mourns what we had before the A & lies, & I wonder if there is hope for a good future together.I know it depends on his actions but if both people are working at it can it actually turn out well? Do you think your WS actually learned from their mistakes?
I don't know the answer to any of those questions. But I would sure like to know them. I seriously doubt I will be able to trust my H completely again. I read in one of the posts. Trust but verify. That is the stage I am in right now. I have been able a couple of times, to choose to trust without verifying but that has been a very few times. I am hoping the more I trust and verify the easier it will become to not feel compelled to verify. Christmas Eve will make 4 months since my d-day.
I just wonder what kind of life it is when you never trust your spouse.That seems kind of sad & dysfunctional to me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life having doubts & being insecure. Yet, I know I can never allow myself to trust him very much because of the A & lies that followed.I have gotten over most of the really bad anger but I am still living in the daily hell that the A has caused.It is on my mind 24/7.
Heck yeah that's reasonable...very reasonable. It really is a process with alot of ups, downs, twists and turns along the way. It takes time to grieve what you've lost.
<<<I just wonder what kind of life it is when you never trust your spouse>>>
It won't be like that forever. The end result I believe is worth it if you have a remorseful WS who is doing everything they can to save the marrage and earn your trust and respect back. Its just the journey to get there is hell.
Wishing you both much happiness and hoping you and your spouses can build a new and successful marriage.
"does there come a time when you stop questioning their every move & motive?"
I found that the time did come, but only when I decided to stop questioning, policing, and distrusting. I tried for a long time to stop policing within the marriage. I hated living that way.
In my case though, it couldn't be done with him or within that marriage.
It wasn't possible.
I always hope for the couples who stay together that the WS eventually learns ways to encourage broken trust to grow. Trust is hard to get and easy to lose. Once lost it's almost impossible to fix. Almost.
We BS's often end up hating the feeling of distrust so much that we try desperately to remedy it ourselves, but it's really not our job. They broke trust, and they need to try and repair it. Then the BS can respond one way or another.
It seems that when the WS is working hard to re-establish honesty, and the BS is receptive, the general time frame for notable improvement is a couple years.
I think 2 years is usually best case scenario. Two years is not a lot of time to fix damage of this magnitude.
Thank Tex & RW!! In your opinions, what are some good ways for the WS to be open & become trustworthy? As mentioned above, H already knows that I will be stopping by his work when he does get a job. He says that will be o.k. with him.I don't feel that I will be doing it often but I want the option to be able to do it without H getting upset.H says he won't get upset.I'm just interested in finding other ways that H can be open & earn back my trust. I'd rather talk about things ahead of time than wait until a situation comes up & then him being upset or me being upset.Of course, I know not every situation can be covered ahead of time. He also knows that he can't have female friends anymore. He says he's o.k. with that too.I don't want our marriage to be a prison but these things that I have mentioned are what I need to be able to stay in this marriage.
Hmmmmmmmmmm...that's a good question Barb. What do you need to begin to feel "safe"?
There's the obvious things:
NC with the OW. If she contacts him to let you know immediately
Giving you the passwords to his email account, pager and/or cell phone.
Being accountable for his time i.e. where he's going, who will be there, when he is coming home.
I think the following list is more difficult especially as more time goes by:
Your H not getting impatient, frustrated or defensive when answering your questions no matter how many times you ask them. No "its been 6 months, 8 months, a year...when are you going to get over it already" comments.
If he notices you are having a particularly bad day...for him to acknowledge it. "I see you are having a rough day, how can I help?" kinda comment does go a long way I would think.
I almost forgot....flowers for you.
Hopefully R.W and others will jump in here and add to the list. What would you put in there Barb?
Regards,
Tex
This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Dec 16, 2005 6:55 PM This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Dec 16, 2005 6:39 PM
Thanks Tex!! There has been no contact with OW since Nov. 2004. I'm not really worried about her.I'm just worried that he will do something stupid in the future. He says he will never do it again & no more lying either.I love the idea about noticing that I'm having a bad day & asking how he can help. That would mean alot. I am always the one telling him that I'm having a bad day. It would be nice of him to notice first.He is still trying to figure out why he had the A & then lied so much. I also ask him to come up with a list of the things that he wants in a wife. I'm just curious. It will help me meet his needs too.We are also going to come up with some things that we can do together. As soon as he gets a job I will start taking a couple of saturdays or sundays off a month so that we can do some things together. That was missing from our marriage. Anymore ideas anyone?
thanks again Tex! I don't really feel like I can be alot of help to many on this site because this is A stuff is still pretty new to me. Something dawned on me today though.There are some positive things that are starting to emerge from this A mess. I am realizing that I have been so wrapped up in my daycare,& being a wife & mom that I haven't taken the time to do the things that I use to enjoy doing 18 or more yrs. ago. What happened to the girl who use to hike, write poetry, & own horses?
None of those things have been a part of my life for about 20 yrs. I can't afford a horse anymore but maybe someday I can ride again. I also realize that I have put myself in a box all these yrs. Now I want to stretch alittle. I went to the thrift store & found a nice pair of dress pants,& bought a nice pair of tweed capri pants at Old Navy on clearance. Who says I can't change the way I dress? It was just me putting restrictions on myself.I guess what I'm trying to say is that my H's A has caused me to think about myself & examine who I am & what I want.I think I will somehow like myself better.Life does not have to revolve around my H. I think we will be able to work things out but if we don't I will somehow be o.k.
Its one thing to pretend or playact at being someone's best friend, lover, soulmate(if you believe in that) which happens in alot of affairs. Its an entirely different thing to commit to those things. He made that commitment to you, not her.
Why don't you talk to him about it? Ask him to list all the things he loves about you? See what his answers are. Maybe you could write down your own list about him.
You perhaps could expand it to include your marriage: what's good about it and what needs improvement then compare notes. What issues can you both compromise on and which ones you or he can't? Find some common ground to build on.
Just a thought...
Tex
This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Dec 16, 2005 8:11 PM
Hugs to you Tex! I like the idea of making lists & talking about them!H is not good about saying what's on his mind but I think we can manage this.It would be interesting to see what he comes up with! Like I mentioned earlier, he's supposed to be making a list of what he wants in a wife.As awful as this A stuff is, maybe some good things can come out of it. Couse, I wouldn't want him to know I just said that! I honestly thought that all these years together were wonderful. He said that they were too. Something must have been wrong though or we wouldn't be in this mess now!We have to try & figure out what went wrong & go from there.
<<It was just me putting restrictions on myself.I guess what I'm trying to say is that my H's A has caused me to think about myself & examine who I am & what I want.I think I will somehow like myself better.Life does not have to revolve around my H. I think we will be able to work things out but if we don't I will somehow be o.k. >>
Well Barb, this statement says a lot about you This says that you value yourself, and that is a good thing. It is very hard for a BS to see their self worth after an A. A, or not, there is nothing wrong with looking at yourself every now and then and wanting to improve on who you are.
<< As awful as this A stuff is, maybe some good things can come out of it. Couse, I wouldn't want him to know I just said that! I honestly thought that all these years together were wonderful. He said that they were too. Something must have been wrong though or we wouldn't be in this mess now!We have to try & figure out what went wrong & go from there. >>
The reason you feel good can come out of this is because you have hope of rebuilding your marriage and a positive attitude and it has brought issues in the marriage into the forefront where they were not before. You are just accepting that you share a part in the issues surrounding your marriage that you are responsible for some of the problems that occured in the marriage. BUT Nothing good came from the A itself, unless you think lying and cheating are good. They are harmful, not helpful and only makes things worse. It is just the traumatic event of the A that caused a sort of awakening because you suddenly realize that your marriage may need more attention than you were actually giving it. It was like an alarm bell went off suddenly. Traumatic events, like A's, death, accidents, disasters, and severe illness are often life altering in the same way. It causes us to reflect, to think about what we almost lost, or did lose, what we can do to keep it from happening again, and so on. It doesnt have to take an A for people to awaken. Had he just communicated that he was unhappy about something, the marriage, his personal issues, or whatever, then it would not have taken the A for the two of you to realize you needed to work on something. It's all about communicating with each other effectively. That could have happened without the A.
These are just my opinions and is how I feel, but of course everyone has their own opinions and feelings. I know my thoughts and opinions changed constantly after the A....it is all part of coming to terms with what has happened and dealing with it. I think you are doing really well.
Hi Carol! Yes, things could have changed without the A & I'm not saying that the A was good. In fact, it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me BUT it has caused good things: thinking about myself, etc. Yes, H should have spoke up with any problems he had but he didn't.It took this mess to jumpstart things.
<<Something dawned on me today though.There are some positive things that are starting to emerge from this A mess. I am realizing that I have been so wrapped up in my daycare,& being a wife & mom that I haven't taken the time to do the things that I use to enjoy doing 18 or more yrs. ago.>>
I am glad you realized this and I hope you pursue things you enjoy. I wish I could say the same. Our marriage wasn't great but it wasn't terrible either. I am not glad for the A. I am glad I finally found out the truth, or at least a major part of it anyway,about the adultery and the OC. My H distanced himself from me and continued to lie repeatily about the A and the existence of the OC. He kept things to himself. I knew something was wrong but hesitated to take action unless I could verify it. One of my mistakes was that instead of focusing on being a wife and mom, I focused on being a mom and continued to do all the things I wanted to do. I mistakenly believed we had a good marriage because my husband never tried to restrict what I did. If I wanted to volunteer for something I enjoyed he didn't complain. I now see that this is because it gave him more time to go to see the OW/OC and even though he didn't feel like I was considering him and the time it would take away from him, he never said anything to me. Now I struggle with getting back to doing some of the things I used to enjoy. All I want to do now is spend time with my H.
Every time I try to focus on doing something I used to like to do, I am unable to enjoy it like I used to. I just think how many times was he with her when I was doing this.
I am a Christian and love God and know I need to have fellowship with other believers. I don't blame God for any of this. Sometimes it is good enough for me to realize there is sin in this world and that is why my H did this, sin is the reason. We all sin and each of us have different temptations. And then, that explanation is not good enough, I want to know why, why, why. I find myself not wanting to go to church, not wanting to visit my family, not wanting to be around other people in general.
My H would go to see the OC/OW on Sundays, Wednesday and Saturdays. Basically while I was either at church or while I was out on bus visitation on Saturdays. My mind tells me I can not let this rob me of my joy and I know I need to get back to going to church more regularly, but it is hard.
At 4 months past d-day, I am about to say forget it. I give up. My H has lied for almost 17 years.
I wonder myself how long? How long will it take to get to a point where the pain is not so intense? How do I know my H is truly sorry? Will I ever be able to trust him?
I am not glad about the A. I still hate the whole mess & the fact that it hurts so damn much. All I'm saying is that I can see some growth within myself because of the whole mess. H never told me I couldn't do anything. I've just been too busy working 7 days a week to have a life. That & I have always been afraid to try new things for fear I would look silly, get hurt, or just wouldn't be able to accomplish whatever it might be. Maybe now I can get over things like that.I want out of the box that I've put myself in.
