How do you get rid of the pain and the anger? While talking to a good friend of mine, she told me that she heard a lot of pain and anger as I talked to her about what I am going through. My friend is a very good listener and I know that I can trust her to be honest with me. I know there is no easy solution. I would like any suggestions on how to get rid of the anger more than anything else. I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to get rid of the anger and move on.
I heard or read somewhere the other day that pain is the result of having expectations for something you have no control over and those expectations are not met. I am still with my H. I don't see how we can get through this without me having expectations that I clearly don't have any control over the outcome, so I will accept that there is going to continue to be pain. But how do I get rid of the anger. I don't want to bury it. I can't express it fully to my H without harming our relationship further. I have expressed it enough already. Now I just want to get rid of it.
For me the anger just took time. At first(before I even knew for sure about the A) it was RAGE! I threw all of H's clothes in the mud & went to the OW's apt. 7 pulled her hair. she was his ex-secretary & I knew her. That was in Nov. 2004. I had enought evidence to bust him in sept. 2005 & mostly did alot of yelling & crying. I think it just takes alot of time. As far as the pain goes, I think that takes time too. No, you don't have any control over your H but you can control (to some extent) what you think about. I still think about the A 24/7 but I am also able to think about myself & what I want. I have set boundries & done constructive things like that. I now come first in my life.
One place to start with anger is Harriet Lerner's "Dance of Anger" and its sequel "Dance of..." books.
There are two questions to ask. If you think your husband is still doing things that you get angry with, ask yourself "what does he get out of an angry wife". If your anger seems to be coming from inside, you've got to get to the bottom of that one yourself: "why am I so angry".
Anger, it is written by many experts, is not a "primary" emotion...it's a reaction to something else you feel. The reaction may arise quickly from frustration, from hurt, from something else.
That's one of the really big things we betrayed spouses have to work on for ourselves. I'm not saying that getting or being angry is a bad thing. It's neither good nor bad, until we get stuck there...then it's bad.
You've reached a turning point in your own recovery by realizing that you have to deal with anger somehow. Congratulations!
<<There are two questions to ask. If you think your husband is still doing things that you get angry with, ask yourself "what does he get out of an angry wife". If your anger seems to be coming from inside, you've got to get to the bottom of that one yourself: "why am I so angry".
Anger, it is written by many experts, is not a "primary" emotion...it's a reaction to something else you feel. The reaction may arise quickly from frustration, from hurt, from something else.>>
My H gets an excuse to shut down and distance himself from me further. I am angry that he is not willing to take full responsibility for his decisions. Sometimes I feel like he has a split personality. He will acknowledge what he has done, my feelings, and will be understanding one moment and then it is like he forgets everything he said and is a completely different person. He doesn't understand why there is a problem and thinks that I am the only one with the problem. Like everything is resolved and fine now that I know about the OC and there is nothing left to discuss. I agree with the experts about it not being the primary emotion. I think my anger surfaces when I try to express how I am feeling, how I am hurting, expressing my needs, etc and my H's reaction is that my feelings are invalid and that I am wrong. Excuse me, I am the one feeling the pain, how dare anyone tell me that I am wrong and there is no reason to feel the way I feel. Frustration leds to anger when dealing with my H. When I was talking to my friend, I didn't feel angry and I didn't realize their was anger in my voice. That is what scares me I think. I don't want anger to be lurking underneath and clouding my judgement and I am not aware of it. That is why I want to get rid of the anger.
<<That's one of the really big things we betrayed spouses have to work on for ourselves. I'm not saying that getting or being angry is a bad thing. It's neither good nor bad, until we get stuck there...then it's bad.
You've reached a turning point in your own recovery by realizing that you have to deal with anger somehow. Congratulations!>>
I have expressed quite a bit of anger regarding the A immediately following d-day. I thought I had gotten it out of my system and had dealt with the anger. Mostly I feel hurt. I allow myself to cry hoping at some point there will be no more tears. Thanks for the book recommendation. I have read so many on A, I don't think I can read another.
<<Sometimes I feel like he has a split personality. He will acknowledge what he has done, my feelings, and will be understanding one moment and then it is like he forgets everything he said and is a completely different person. He doesn't understand why there is a problem and thinks that I am the only one with the problem. Like everything is resolved and fine >>
My H is exactly the same way. I have no answer for this behavior other than they are starting to come out of the fog, I think. They realize how hurt we are but are unable to deal with the fact that they caused it. It is easier to avoid dealing with it for them, so they act like everything is OK. My thought with my H is that if he acts this way long enough he feels it will eventually become reality. That is far from the truth though...it just keeps them in denial. My thought would be to see a counselor and maybe help him (and you) get over this hurdle. I have tried to get my H to go and he went for 4 sessions of MC about a year ago. I dont know how much good it did but if he had stuck with it I am sure we would be much further along than we are now at 18 months past d-day.
Anger or rage has to be expressed to be understood and validated...as your H is not validating your feeling it will be harder to get rid of the hurt, but when validated, it will fade as time goes by...you are in a horrible situation that not many find themselves in, you are right to feel rage, anger, and you need to vent those feeling. venting is getting rid of all the poisons in your mind...you need to let your H know how you feel, by with holding that rage you are internalizing it and it will end up hurting your health both your mental and physical health...harming your relationship more is projecting a result that may or may not happen...you can only be honest with your H about your feelings, they are your feelings...If you are still hurting you have not expressed it enough. vent on the board...express you feeling here, write them down and then burn the words it all helps...
I am not sure if you have gone to a MC or IC...but that may help you deal with all the unresolved feeling you have going on around you...once you have a game plan in motion...the boundaries you need and H respects... you will feel the anger fade.
I couldn’t give you a clue. I am so angry at this time that all I can think off is how can I get even. And I know I will! I may not me able to hurt him as much as he hurt me, but I will have some little victories soon and I know these little victories will make me feel a lot better. So if revenge is not the answer and a Christian woman is not supposed to talk like that, I will come on top soon. Irene
When I asked myself the "what does she get from an angry husband" question, my answer was almost the same as yours: she had an excuse to ignore my feelings, wishes, wants, desires, or to claim that they were somehow not important because I was so angry. She could avoid talking things out when I was angry about them, then conveniently "forget" about the discussion she promised to come back to.
Sounds like you're on the right track. It does just take some of us longer to get through this stuff, especially when we're not getting the emotional support we need from our spouse.
My wife asked our counselor in our first session why I was so angry all the time. It was one of the few times that our counselor had a less than professional expression on her face as she answered my wife's question. She said, "He is hurt, hurt beyond words, traumatized." I think anger after an affair is mostly from being hurt by the lies and betrayal. If the lies and distrust or failure of a WS to work on the marriage continue then it only compounds the hurt and anger by the disrespect.
I know that remorseful FWSs have pain too. But I think they get their pain in a more gradual, coming out of the fog, way. Whereas the BS get their pain in a shocking traumatic way. More trauma, more immediate hurt, equal more anger. I think this is why FWSs don't really get the intensity of why we need answers and to see results in their actions. They want the status quo that existed before the affair began and don't really understand that things have drastically changed.
My counsolor told me to get somewhere by myself a hotel room,the woods wherever take food and water for 24 hrs and not come out and verbal express my anger beat on something a pillow or anything that it can be done safely
and verbally express yourself dont just think it but say it cuss,spit whatever it takes but get it out because it (anger) will hurt you more than your S
I have thought about buying some of those foam bats and beating a picture of my H when I get angry. I don't know if that will help or not. I need suggestions on how to help our 14 year old daughter deal with her anger too. I have noticed she is more snappy when her dad is home. I try not to bring the subject with her up that much.
The counselor said she will be looking to me to see how I handle it and the better I am able to accept the OC the weasier it will be for her. I don't want to force her to do anything but I feel like I can't just let it go an never do anything. I encourage her to talk to her dad and ask him anything she wants. But she says why ask him mom he will just lie. When my H has tried to talk to her, she usually says very little back and doesn't participate in the conversation.
Well the biggie that helped me get my anger out back then was working out at the gym very hard. I was physically exhausted after I worked out. I remember running on a treadmill after doing weights so fast and envisioning H's and OW's heads beneath my stomping feet. LOL It really helped!
Going to the gym will help alot
i go about 7:00 at night and come home and relax and i am so tired i sleep better not great but better. I almost back to my five days a week workout.And beating the hell out of a pic of your H with a baseball bat if it makes you feel better go for it it cant hurt anything
