I have spent several days trying to find a christmas card for my H. I usually get him a nice romantic card. I just couldn't do it this year. Read lots & they seemed phoney. Has anyone ever had that problem?So, guess I'll skip the card. We don't exchange gifts but I usually get him a gift card for c.d.'s or something little. Guess I will do that since his truck got broken into the other nite & approx. 150 c.d.'s got stolen.Anyway, it's 12:30 & I should be asleep as I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow ,but I'm sad & maybe a bit mad. I hate the fact that my H did all of this(A & lies) & he's gotten away with it. Yes, he got caught but nothing has happened to him. He still has his home & family; at least for now. Sometimes I want to leave & have the satisfaction of knowing that he would suffer without his family. He deserve to suffer & I have to admit that I want him to.Ya know what else makes me mad? I want to live in Arizona but I don't have that choice. I really belong in the desert. I don't think it's fair that I have to spend the rest of my life living someplace where I hate the weather & scenery.But, I don't seem to have that choice. He doesn't like hot weather . Well, I don't like the damn rain & clouds. It depresses me & I want out of the northwest. Give me Tucson anyday. It'll never happen though! I'm going to mold if I have to live here much longer. I've lived in Eugene for 9 1/2 yrs. & that's a long time to be unhappy . Before that it was Tacoma WA for approx. 8 yrs. Same climate & surroundings. When do I get the pick where we live? Never!!!! O.K. I guess that's enough bitching for now!Thanks for putting up with me. I shall go to bed now!
Sending you lots of cheer and hugs to get you thru this time.
Your H is suffering...if he is watching you and the pain he sees in your eyes he knows what he has done. Barb for many men they don't show their pain the same way women do...from what I have read when you have posted it seems that your H is trying to help you heal...he may have forgotten stuff about the A...and Barbara that is a common thread ...the humiliation and embarrassment he is feeling is the reason he is not telling you...he in his mind is thinking I don't want to hurt her anymore...my H did this and withheld something for 3 yrs that was important to me...I found out 4 weeks ago...I am able to move forward because he has been good about changing himself...his actions have spoken loudly that he has changed.
Barb watch your H and listen to him, he choose to stay with you...he is trying...he is hearing you, and he has not left when he sees you in pain...
I agree that the southwest is a beautiful place to live...but rattlesnakes and scorpions are present . so rain or scorpions each has their down side.
You sosund like my H. He'd love nothing better than to move back to Arizona. Not me. Give me Chicago. I love the change of seasons, winter and construction. Oh wait, I mean, winter, spring, summer, and fall. I couldn't imagine Christmas without the cold and the snow although H keeps reminding me Jesus was born in a desert.
I understand your card dilemma. Hallmark needs to come out with a whole new line for us BS. They'd be big sellers judging by the number of us there are out there. Maybe you could make him one? Then you could say exactly what you want to say. My Christmas dilemma is about a bow. My husband said he wants nothing from me on Christmas but a big bow on my head. I just don't know if I can do it. I want to make this grand gesture to him so he'll know I'm going to stay. He so scared that I may leave. I love him and I know he loves me. He has shown me in a thousand little ways and in a hundred big ways. Yet...I'm still so unhappy.
Along with the A mess which is still eating me alive, my H has been out of a job for 10 months now. I don't know if it is his age or what, but he can't seem to find anything and he has really been trying. After the first of the year he says he's going to open up his search to anything, just to find something. He has been so down about that lately. I hate that I have to bolster him up at this time what with everything else that's happened. I guess that's what marriage is all about though. Anyway, we are both stressed to the limit on all of this. We're scared we are going to lose everything, including each other. I told him not too long ago that I wasn't planning on leaving him, but, if we lost the house I would have to. Before you get the impression that I am more interested in material things than I am in my H let me explain. It took us a very long time before we could buy a house. Our son had a very serious illness when he was a baby, we almost lost him. The initial hospitalization, follow-up tests, several major surgeries (7) afterwards, speech therapy initially, then physical therapy after each surgery and on and on the list goes, well, the medical bills were staggering to say the least. (Not to mention the emotional toll it took out of us.) Anyway, the house means more to me than just a house. It's a symbol to me that we made it through all of those tough times together as a family. To lose it now would truly break my heart. If we lost the house because of him losing his job I could bear it. But, in my mind, because the job loss came at the same time that the A was going on, they are tied together. He says one had nothing to do with the other, however, I cannot seperate the two in my head. He says he understands though. That everyone has their breaking point and that would be mine.
So, how do I give him what he wants on Christmas, a bow on my head signifying I am staying, when I know I might not be able to? Is wanting to enough? Is love ever enough? I used to think so once upon a time but now I see that's only true in fairy tales and few of us live a fairy tale life.
I guess this was my time to ramble, sorry about that. Christmas is so hard when you're wrestling with stuff like this. I'm really hoping things continue to get better with you and your H.
Hi Guys! Thanks so much! Finally fell asleep sometime after 2 a.m. my time. Hey RW, the picture made me laugh out loud! Dancin-gal: I love the scorpions(rock group)! Actually the other scorpions arn't bad either-just gotta wear shoes. You're right, H is still here. Well, he stopped seeing OW a yr. ago, so didn't expect him to leave unless I kicked him out.I can't believe you had to wait 3 yrs. to hear some of the truth. That's a long time!! Poor Little Fool: Our stories sound alike.By the way, I grew up in Michigan City IN. My H has been out of work 13 months & has just been doing home improvement jobs. Anyway, house is in foreclosure & due to be sold in March if we can't save it. Our daughter, now 10, has a rare form of epalepsy (Infantile Spasms) & she started having seizures when she was 5 months old. She wasn't expected to live but fooled all the doctors. They told us that if she lived we'd have to put her in an instituation because she would be severly retarded. She was slow for the first 3 yrs. of her life but is doing fine now. She has not had any seizures in 3 yrs. The last one's ended her up in the emergency room & then hospital for 3 days.So, our stories sound rather alike.Hopefully 2006 will be better for all of us! I like the idea of making H a card. Maybe I will try that.Well, I still have a messy house to clean, millions of cookies to bake, the tree to decorate,& one more present to find. HELP!!
I think our anniversary was the first time I experienced the card dilema, then christmas, then valentines day. I think valentines was the worst because I knew he gave her a card. It made me sick to even think about it. Nothing seemed right! They dont make the kind of cards that would express what I felt that day!!!
I also feel that my H has not suffered any consequences for his actions. As Pat pointed out they do suffer, but my H has his pot to make him feel better. So I really dont think he is suffering a whole heck of a lot...he continues to escape his pain through drugs. But I do believe one day he will feel it and when he does WATCH OUT world, lol.
I really don't think my H is suffering very much. He's the type that always thinks things will work out, so I don't even know if he's seriously thought I would leave or not. I don't cry much anymore. I am strong now & pretty much know I will be fine if I do leave. He just expects everything to turn out fine & our marriage to end up just as good as it was. See, no problems!Well the problem is that nothing is the same & he ruined what we had.Life goes on I guess. Somedays I could care less that we're still together. that's kind of the mood I'm in now.Here's a good phrase for a card: "Merry Christmas Sweetheart & remember, you reap what you sow!
Gee, you're much nicer than I am. Just the mood I'm in I guess. Well, H won't be back from the coast until tomorrow so that gives me time to find my nice genes!
Hey, I'm curious if anyone has that Christmas letter that was written by one poster last Christmas or maybe even the one before that - you know the one that said that they added a new family member this year, which was OW and OM? Anyone remember that? I thought it was kind of morbidly funny.
Hi! Well, christmas is almost over. I am baking a batch of cookies at the moment. H gave me a card for x-mas & a box of candy. All I asked for was a letter from him but he's not done with it yet. He did show me the paper from afar so that I could at least tell he's doing it.I feel so different all the time. Like nothing is the same as before the A ,& yet H says that to him everything is o.k.; although he says he knows I'm going thru a hard time.To me it all feels so different. I've told him a few times that I feel like we're not even a couple anymore. He says he doesn't feel that way. So, is it just my perspective on everything right now? I guess I just wonder if it's normal for the BS to feel this way or if this is the way I am really going to always feel. I feel like we're not a family & I'm all alone. Like I don't have a spouse at all. Maybe that's normal. I just keep wonderng if I will ever feel alot of love for him again because right now I really don't. I wonder if it's still somewhere deep inside me or if he killed it & it's really gone.There have been a few times,mostly in bed, when I felt like I loved him. Most of the time I just look at him & think I don't know who he is. Also, little things bug me now. Is that normal? I hate the facial hair that he has now. I don't like the tattoes that he got during the A time & I hate the fact that he chews now. Yuk! See, everything bugs me.
All the emotions you are feeling are so normal...yes the love grows again but you have to feel secure to let it grow...that security comes with the actions that show the FWS is sorry and his actions show he is working with you to help you feel secure...hugs and more hugs helped me when I was feeling insecure...or having triggers...I asked for them and H gave them freely as still does.
If he is chewing ask him to stop.... think of the money it would save...dinner out once a month, free!!!!!
Tattoo's...well they can be covered by makeup ...removed...band-aid.
Barbara most habits that were annoying before A but didn't bother us now are magnified...and I think that is part of the whole A package...but it does get better.
Thanks Pat! I need to hear that there is hope that my feelings will change! H is trying. I will give him credit for that.Maybe I've closed myself off some & that's why I feel like we're not a couple.I don't know. He won't stop chewing but I have asked him not to do it around me. I hate it. He hardly ever did it before the A. The other things I mentioned appeared during or after the A also.He's just so different than the guy I married. I know we all change some but I just never thought my H would lie & have an A. He was nothing like that all these yrs. How can I get back to loving him again? Somedays I'm not even sure how much I like him.
Just me rambling on again. How do you fall back in love with the WS? Does it just happen over time? I really don't feel connected to him at all. Plus he's hardly ever here because of his temp. job at the coast from Thurs.-sundays. Although he is in town the rest of the time, he's doing odd jobs & is never home for the kids or me.For the few hrs. that he is here, he's just sleeping. I feel like we're roommates or something like that. Plus, I feel that I have built up a wall between us. I often think of having a life without him; especially moving to AZ & starting over.Not good thoughts to be having when I'm supposed to be working on us being together. I loved my H more than anything all these years but now I just look at him as a different person;one capable of lying, cheating,going to Jamaica by himself,etc.This person I don't like or respect at all.I don't think I can ever get back the H that I had. He doesn't exist anymore.So, what am I supposed to do?
Separate the person who had the A out of the picture...the man who had the A was a selfish person, he lied, and was dishonest with you and with himself.
Now look at the man you see today, is he trying to help you?...how has he changed? is he trying to change? are his actions positive towards you...other than accepting a move to AZ. maybe you need to research other areas of the northwest...the Richland WA area is sunny, desert 4hr. + from Seattle...and close to OR.
I understand Bend is beautiful and the sun shines there.
Barbara getting the love back takes time...and a positive attitude...the love is there.. rebuilding the emotional connection will help it surface again.do stuff together ...go for a walk when H is home, play games together...it is the together time that will help you...even talking on the phone when H is gone keeps the home fires burning for him and keep the conversations positive and tell him how much you miss him and need him...and you will feel that to be true...
Thanks Pat! I guess I just don't know how to seperate the H who had the affair from the H that I loved all those yrs. I keep thinking that the man I loved must be gone because the man I loved was not capable of doing what he did. All those yrs. he never said an unkind word to me or even raised his voice. He was honest & loving & I could depend on him for anything. So, who is this H that I'm left with? I don't know.I just don't know how to love him or trust him.He says things will get better when he has a job & then we will have time to focus on us. He's been out of work for 13 months & we are about to lose our house.It's not a pretty situation.I just feel like I will never have the life that I had before.I'm just hoping that we can save our house. It's in foreclosure & due to be sold in march.I guess it will all take time because right now I look at him & I don't really like him. Looking at him makes me think that he's just as bad as my ex-husband was. I know I have to change my attitude because this way of thinking isn't helping any.I just keep wondering why he's trying. Is it because he got busted & now has to try & fix it? I mean why, after getting busted, does he decide that the A was a mistake? He should have known that right from the start.In fact, he had to have known it was wrong.He just chose to be selfish. So, why the change after getting busted?
Your H loves you that is why he is still with you...your H had a brain burp...he made the biggest error of his life., bad decision, selfish decision...OW filled something that your H needed...stress and other problems cause problems in a marriage...an A is sometimes a result of pressure of lots of stuff going bad all at one time...you were busy with the kids and doing stuff for them...you were not available at the minute H may have needed you (Not that he sought you out ) but he started to talk to OW...she flattered him made him feel good, special...he liked those feelings...it was a high for him...you couldn't do the same high...it was all wrapped up around the secret feelings and meetings that were going on...and he never thought that you would find out...because he still loved you but he was in lust with OW...she made him feel like the king of the mountain...she put no pressure on him...when H got home to you, you asked him to do the honey DO list...take the garbage out pay the bills, watch the kids, etc ...the OW represented escape for your H...You are his real life...his anchor...
Barbara it takes time to get over the hurt that the A caused, and to get back to the feelings of love..it sounds as if your H is trying to be there for you...your financial problems are not helping you during this time...you are both under a lot of stress right now...your H is trying to keep his family safe and secure and the added burden of possibility losing his family in the process has to be a major stress factor for him...knowing that he may lose his home and family must be weighing a very heavy load on your H...
maybe this might be some insight for you...I think might find some truth here.
Pat, I know you were writing to Barb, and I sincerely hope that your message helps her. I wish I had such good advice for her. However, I had to send a quick post to thank you for writing what you did. My God, you hit the mark on me like a bullseye. I am 6 months out from my D-Day, got through the holidays okay, and I am so thankful that my H is really trying so hard to make things up to me. But I have my bad days, like today. You know the ups and downs.....He is trying so hard, but I just can't shake the suspicion. He has done absolutely nothing that I can find that would be bad, as far as I know he has had no contact with OW. But reading your post, my god, it just hit me. It makes perfect sense to me why he did that horrendous thing to me. It makes perfect sense how he was feeling. It helps me to heal when I can figure out what the hell was going on in his head. I know what is in my head, but it makes it so much harder when you're trying to figure out what he is thinking too. I am at the point where I have a VERY thin covering over the wound that was left. I hope it thickens over time. But as we all know, that can be broken in an instant. I am his anchor!!! You are AWESOME, and Barb, I can't speak for your particular situation, but I hope that advice like this helps you through your situation. I am so grateful that I found this site. It's like a lifeline for me.........Jessa
Thanks Pat for taking the time to talk with me again. Maybe those were his reasons for the A but that doesn't make me feel any better.There will always be some sort of stress, etc. & there was no reason for him to seek out someone else. The slut he chose was his ex-secretary & she spreads her legs for most anyone. She had an A with another guy in the office & I have seen her with 2 other guys since my H. He was stupid for almost losing his home, wife, & kids. He may still lose it all,as there is really no excuse for what he did.I don't really want to take the chance on him doing it again. Afterall, he's done it once & he also turned into a huge lier during this time. Besides, how do I know why he's here? It's been over between him & OW for a year & besides he really has nowhere else to go.I know I can manage without him but I wonder how he'd do without the kids & me? I guess what I am trying to say is there is no excuse for his behavior & why does he deserve a 2nd chance?Yes, I'm angry but I also just really don't care somedays. I have learned to live without him because of what he did & also because he's never here to be a dad or husband anyway. His A broke apart the "us" & now I pretty much feel like it's just me & the kids.Maybe my feelings will change later but right now that's how I feel.As I told him from the beginning, if it weren't for the kids I would have left the minute I found out about the A.
I understand what you are saying ...and there isn't an excuse that helps clear up why the A happened...it did, it shouldn't have...but it did.
Someone a long time ago likened an A to a car hitting a wall...it happened...caused a lot of hurt and now that you know how that feels you try to drive more carefully...you are not going to hit that wall again. very simplistic...words but think about them... here are few people who set out to have an A...meaning a conscious decision...the decision creeps up on them...OW flattered your H at a time he needed to be flattered...he didn't set out to hurt you, he may have been angry at something you did so the temptation got the better of him...same with that piece of candy shouldn't have it but its not going to hurt me or anyone else...we justify all the time same with the A.
Barbara, you are feeling the rage of the A...hard to understand when you love your S so much... the innocence of your love is gone, trust is gone...but Barbara is the foundation you had built strong enough to withstand the storm within you, and the storm your H created...Only you know...you are the one who can judge the foundation of your marriage...but please give yourself time to see if the cracks can be repaired...you can build a better, different marriage going forward.. Kats,.H2C , GT, to name a few have gotten thru the storm and rebuilt...I love my H now...didn't 3 yrs ago..was going to divorce him...
Jessa,
Thank you for the kind words...when I found a place to read and post...it saved my life... my sanity... I read all the posts written for a long time before I posted.. Kats,Charlie, Chris, Monica, Quinn, Tex, Kid, and others all helped me thru a rough period in my life...so if I helped you I am so happy. I get so much help reading posts...
You Pat is absolutely right....I equate this to the house burning down to the ground. The foundation is still there though. Can you rebuild? Do you want to rebuild? That is a decision that only you can make, given all the proper circumstances..kids, your emotions, the realities of that thing we call life, etc....But please don't make that decision in the middle of on of what I call an episode. Things have been going good with my H, but part of me still is waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. I am very cautious, but still for absolutely no reason I just let things get to me, I remember things and I just want to crack. I cry, then I read posts, I get myself off the ledge and a feel better. But, I am not in your shoes. All I or anyone here can do is to remind you that we are here and care about you. We can let you know how we deal with things. Give you our tips and experience. I do know that you need to decide what you are going to do with a clear and level head.
I identified with your post to Barb just as Jessa did. We have similar stories, even in that my husband has also been out of work for 10 months now. The stress of that alone is huge. Add the A discovery to it (it will be 6 months on New Year's Day) and I can't even think straight half the time. All the reasons you gave for the affair make sense, I've heard them all before and even believe them. But at this point I still can't accept it all. They are reasons but not excuses. If I were hungry and stole a loaf of bread, I could reason I did it out of hunger. That doesn't make stealing right. It's merely a justification. Just as the reasons for the A.
My H is trying so hard to make things right with us. He listens when I need him to listen, he anwers questions when I need answers, he tells me and shows me he loves me in a hundred different ways. And yet, I can't seem to let go of the hurt and anger the A brought on. It's forefront in my mind all the time. I know a lot of the details and because of this I'm haunted by the words they spoke to each other and the things they did with each other. I can't seem to accept it for what it was. Maybe because for me, what it was has more meaning than it actually had for them. I don't really know for sure. To me it meant the ultimate betrayal, rejection, feelings for someone other than me whatever the reason. How does someone accept that? That's what I'm struggling the most with right now. Acceptance. If anyone can address this I'd appreciate it.
Sorry, I could not check my post before and left abruptly, but my kids walked in and I had to ship the post off and get off the computer asap, before they saw anything, and of course the 13 year old had to commandeer the computer, so I am left with my laptop. So there are typos and that will eternally make me crazy, so just bear with them. I apologize. Anyway, all I was trying to say is that Pat is very wise, as are a lot of other people here. Don't make any rash decisions while you are angry and hurt in the extreme. I know it's difficult to try to listen to your heart when your heart has been ripped out and stomped on. You get mixed signals because it is broken. Difficult? Down right almost impossible huh? In the posts that I have read, I can sense a real strong woman, try and rely on that however you can. You will get through this. I don't know if this helps at all. I saw a quote on TV that really made me think and I liked it, so I will share it here.....it went something like adversity does not create character, it reveals it. I like that and I try to live by that. Take care
We sure didn't ask to be in this boat did we? I get how you feel 100%. Completely. I still struggle with that one. Hummh.. You go through all the thoughts of why did this happen? How could he do this to me, and to the kids? I have come to the conclusion that in order to begin to heal from this, we have to admit and just accept that it happened. Period. There is not a damn thing we can do to change it. We have been beaten up enough by the WS to last a lifetime, why do we continue to beat ourselves up more by trying to reverse history or dwell on it constantly. And I know, better said than done. It sucks royally. We can't change it, period. People are human and can make mistakes. We all do. This, granted, is a whopper of a really bad mistake. It's a huge screwup, of epic proportions. It's gonna take a long time for H to make this up to us. As I said in my prior post, I can't shake the suspicion part. Just like last night, my 7 year old came up and said that daddy was in the garage talking to his friend (who he already had spoke to the day before). I came down and asked how is friend was, he said that he was not talking to him. So I immediately went into oh no mode, he claimed he was talking to his father. Why would he be talking to his father in the garage? I left it and then checked his phone later when he was asleep, (all the while obsessing about it) and it was all true. I look at it this way. He made this huge error in judgement, he hurt me beyond comprehension, broke our vows, and disrespected me. He knows it and is very sorry. He can't change history either. If he is trying so very hard to make things up to me, then I have decided that I will try to be big enough to allow myself to receive his apology in his own way. Am I stupid or a pushover to allow myself to be treated like this and forgive him? Some might say that. Hell, I say that. There are days when I think that exactly. I have never been a big fan of forgiveness, but I am giving it a chance. I am human too, and am fully capable of making mistakes. I married for better or worse. So I am dealing with the worst. And it is a hell of a ride. It had been since July 21, and still when I am alone, I just drift off and my mouth drops and the shock comes back to me. I have told him that I alternate between wanting to hug him so hard that I never let go, all the way to wanting to hit him so hard with a baseball bat across the head. Will I do that, of course not, that will help nothing. He says that he knows that, and even offered to let me hit him, seriously. I refrained. I am working on why this came about, and what I can do to do my part in rebuilding this marriage. Remember that they are men, and a lot of the time, they react and respond to trama in a different manner than women. They are feeling pain too (if they really get how bad this is). So try not to expect what YOU would do in a situation and be able to read HIS words and actions correctly. I hope this helps you somewhat. I, as well as everyone here, are with you!!!!! We get it!!!!
It helps alot to know that others are struggling with the same demons and surviving. Like you I alternate between almost hanging on to him for dear life and then wanting to beat on him. I feel like I have a split personality sometimes.
For me the suspiciousness is lessening. The periodic checking of the computer, cell phone, etc. has born out the fact that he is being open and honest with me. Now. I hope it gets better for you too soon. I found it took an incredible amount of time and energy to be vigilantly checking on him all the time. It also made me feel sneaky. I didn't like that in myself.
I thought I was the only one that at this stage still feels the SHOCK of it all. I figured it was the first stage in this and should be the first to dissipate but it hasn't. Maybe that's part of why I have such a hard time accepting too. I still have trouble believing he did this. I want to turn back the clock. I want to undo what was done but I can't. I want see it coming and stop it but it's too late for that. I didn't see it happening and consequently I couldn't stop it. That makes me feel so helpless. And so stupid. I know I need to learn to accept it if we are ever to get through this. I just don't know how. Unlike you I don't think I can ever forgive. In my mind forgivness is letting him think I'm O.K. with what he did. I'll never be O.K. with it. It's not that I want to make him pay for it forever but on the hand I don't want him to ever forget what he did to me, to us. I realize everyone makes mistakes, myself included, but this one I just cannot forgive. I just want to be able to accept that it happened and stop obsessing about it so that we can move on. Do you think it's possible to do that without forgiveness?
This message has been edited by Poorlittlefool on Dec 30, 2005 2:00 PM
Hi Guys! I will never be able to forgive my H & I have been honest & told him that. He understands. I just don't know how to get back the feelings that I had for him before. In fact,I don't think I ever will feel the same way about him.I look at him differently now. I have it in my mind that he is a totally different person. Now I just live with someone that I don't even know. I look at him & he reminds me of my ex. Not a good thing!! Right now I just don't know if I want to spend my life with this man who betrayed me & our kids.I know he doesn't deserve us after what he did. Besides, he's never around & I have pretty much gotten use to it.My kids know the whole story of what he did & so it we split up it would not be a total shock. It would hurt them but it would also hurt them for me to stay here & be unhappy.I guess at this point I am not really fighting very hard to save things. He should be the one bending over backwards. I don't really notice that he's doing that much but maybe he is alittle.I will probably wait awhile & see what happens. I have told him that I want romance but I doubt that will ever happen.I feel like I'm settling for less of a person than the one I married.
<<<I look at him differently now. I have it in my mind that he is a totally different person.>>>
I guess what helps me in that respect was that my H was on prescription drugs which affected him adversely in a lot of ways. He wasn't "himself" at the time of the A. I hope I'm not deluding myself but looking back I could see that he really wasn't himself in other aspects of his life (and work) so why not when it came to the affair too? I hold onto that thought like a lifeline to help me in accepting this. It still does not excuse it but it makes it a little more palatable. If I didn't have that I don't know that I wouldn't be feeling the exact way you are feeling right now.
I would still advise you to give it some more time. I know you feel he is not giving you everything you need from him right now but it must be very difficult for him to do that when he is out of town so much working. And remember he IS working and he's doing that for all of you. With foreclosure of the house around the corner he must be feeling scared and like he has failed his family. He may feel that putting most of his efforts into making some money so that you don't lose the house is top priority right now. The best way to keeping his family together. Just a thought.
Regarding the forgiveness, I feel the same way. That if I forgive, then I am giving a pass to this whole thing. That is a huge struggle. I made it very clear to my H that this is NOT okay in any form whatsoever, and I also make clear that though I put a good front on for the kids, I am NOT okay. He has to be on best behavior 24/7. I think that took alittle time for him to understand, but I think he gets it now. Remember, he made this choice, now there are consequences.
Not that I follow Oprah, because I try to stay as far away from her as possible, but she did make the point that foregiveness is not for the guilty party, but for the injured party. You are letting yourself be okay, not H or the really bad choice he made. The A will NEVER be condoned or be made to be okay. So don't think that then people will think that you said the A was okay. What comes from it COULD be a good thing. Maybe that is load of crap, I don't know, but it kinda made sense to me. Maybe I want it to make sense.I know the suspicious stuff is alot of work, isn't it??? But I just can't help it. That is how I found out the whole thing in the first place. Regarding getting over this without forgiveness, in my own opinion, I think that is gonna make things so difficult and hurdled, that I don't think that's possible. Maybe I am dead wrong. Because you are not allowing yourself to heal, and you are not letting him help you heal. Or allowing him to heal. It's like no matter how hard either of you try, it's like throwing things at a brick wall. It's not gonna get through. My God, now I am listening to Oprah...now I know I'm doomed...LOL
I agree that he is probably scared about losing the house.I never get much out of him, unless I prode alot, so who knows. His typical ans. is always "it'll get better" or "everything will be fine". I had to finally tell him last monday if he didn't demand to talk to someone at the morgage place I was going to just sell the house. See, the person that handles our account never calls back. He finally demanded to talk to someone & they are going to see if we can save the house. Some info is supposed to be comming in the mail soon. Also, I have been bugging him since he lost his job 13 months agoto sign the kids up for the Oregon Health Plan so that at least they would have health ins. He hardly ever does what needs to be done. I have daycare kids & can't be running all over doing those things. Anyway, I told him on Monday that he needed to get the forms for the ins. & see if the kids qualify. I don't like getting govt. help. but my kids need to see the dentist ( toothaches) & I have 2 that need new glasses. I just feel like I can't even rely on him to take care of us so why fight to save the marriage. As far as him working, I hope that's what he's doing all these days & nights. I have no way to check on him because I don't know where all these side jobs are. All I know is that he's hardly ever home before 1 or 2 a.m.When he's at the coast from Thurs- sunday I have no idea what else he's doing there. During the holidays he's been at the coast from wed-sat so that he could spend the holidays with us. That was nice of him to adjust his schedule. He's comming home tomorrow afternoon but mentioned that he might just work tomorrow nite(New Years Eve). I'm not happy about that at all. He said he's got a new side job that has to be done by monday. I wonder if that's true or if he's got plans for new years eve.Who knows.I guess I believe that he wants to work things out but I also believe that he couldn't possibly love the kids & I that much or he never would have allowed himself to do what he did & than lie to me for yrs during & after the A. That's not love.I just figure that if he's weak once than he'll be weak again. The morgage people just called & it doesn't look like they are going to be very willing to help us at all. H needs to get busy & save our house another way.
This message has been edited by Barbarapat on Dec 30, 2005 5:26 PM
I talked to H on the phone earlier & he said he would be home tomorrow afternoon & would not work tomorrow nite afterall. He said he realized it will be New Years Eve & will spend it with us & just work on New Years Day. That made me feel better. So, I asked him if we could go to a movie in the early evening & then be home with the kids for the new years eve celebration. I let the kids throw confetti all over the livingroom. They look forward to it every year! I end up cleaning it up for days but I don't mind. It's actually kind of funny! I am so glad that this year is almost over. My luck better change soon! I wish I had the money to go to Tucson for a few weeks. I haven't been there in almost 18 years. I wish I could hike Sabino Canyon like I use to do everyday. I need to get away for awhile. But, I can't.I'm stuck with this life that I don't really like.Oh well, can't do anthing about it.I don't know why I don't have any feelings for H right now. Maybe I just don't want to care about him. It's easier to build up a wall than it is to deal with him. I just honestly look at him & don't know who he is anymore.I am afraid that I will spend the rest of my life with someone that I can no longer love very much or adore at all.Like I mentioned I feel very cheated. Like I am left to live with someone who is not what I bargained for. Wonderful all these years & then ZAP. gone! And I'm left with a lesser person who had no commitment to his family. A man who just threw us away to have a selfish fling with a stupid slut of a woman. My H says that he hopes I can learn to like him again. I really don't know if I can.I do know that I will never trust him & I will continue to snoop when I feel the need to. It might take some energy but I don't care. He proved himself to be a lier & cheat & I will not be made a fool of again.He would cover anything up just to protect his ass. I know he would never admit if he screwed up again. He didn't admit it this time. I had to spend 12 months gathering info. He never once tried to come to me & confess.So, I have chosen to snoop when I need to.Love is no longer blind or stupid.
I agree with the Oprah...on the forgiveness issue it is for us BS not for the WS...I am not sure where I am on the forgiveness issue except that I understand more about my H than I did before...I forgive me...am letting go of all the hurt...just tired of having it around me...but I am 3 yrs out.
I didn't forgive or even think forgiveness until last year...but what I did do earlier this year is put the issue of forgiveness in Gods hands...if he forgives my FWH then I do too...so I don't think about forgiveness anymore...
I also want to say that during the first year past D-day I lived with one foot out the door...really couldn't decide what I wanted to do...I watched my FWS change and Yes I demanded romance...H said but we are married...I said what did you do for OW...you took care of her I need the same consideration...flowers, cards, etc...he has been pretty good. he is considerate, loving and hugs me alot...all things that help me..but it took a while to get him there...the cards I received for a while...but none lately...but now it is more together time...we are more in tune...
Barbara, keep talking to your H...he may be the quiet type...and he doesn't know what to say to you except that all will be OK...enjoy the movie today and hold your H's hand. he will appreciate that...
so rain or scorpions each has their down side.
maybe you need to research other areas of the northwest...the Richland WA area is sunny, desert 4hr. + from Seattle...and close to OR.