This is being moved to the Discovery forum so that many can see it and perhaps answer your questions. Welcome, I'm sorry you've had to come looking for us.

H2C

Okay, here goes
December 24 2005 at 6:25 AM hurt6524 (Login hurt6524)

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First post of my life, feels awful it had to be this but after reading some threads, I need the help.

Married 9 yrs with 3 kids, first and only woman I've been with.

D-day was 12 months ago, A started 6 months before that. Found out all the details 6 months ago, before that, lots of lies to "save" my feelings. Since D-day, we've tried to move forward 4x, including a CLM job move across the country by me to get a fresh start (and yeah, "runaway" from OM). Turns out WS kept seeing and being with OM, including seeing him last month "to set the record straight" and was supposedly not intimate. With her track record on false starts, how do I believe that. She says she's told him to move on, that she wants to work on her marriage, although she still tells me she has feelings for him and not for me.

First question, what's the best way for WS to break away from OM and what should WS do to re-develop feelings for BS? Seems like this is a pre-requisite to move forward, but what about all these relapses?

Now the trickier part, WS does not act remorseful for all the pain she's caused me, in fact, she's often resentful. It seems I'm working harder to save our marriage than she is, this is insane right? I've tried to walk out but my heart won't let me cuz I still love her. I feel the race is between how much more I can bear and when she will realize what it will take to get this marriage back on track... is this a normal process?

Hurt,

I know it feels insane. Sometimes you look back and wonder what you were doing, but the process you're going through is quite common and very NORMAL.

It is an experience that you have to live through to understand or even believe. It's so devastating. There are no short-cuts and it's not easy.

There are people here looking back at d-days weeks, months and years ago. You are at 12 months and I am almost 7 years from it.

Have you found any helpful books?

http://www.dearpeggy.com/myth.html

The web site is full of info.


After the Affair by Janis Spring was good for me to read too.

"Now the trickier part, WS does not act remorseful for all the pain she's caused me, in fact, she's often resentful"

Hurt

That is often what either makes your marriage work or not unfortunately. The hard part is realizing that you can't make her remorseful. The thing you can do is establish boundaries on what is and what is not acceptable to you. No contact with the OM is a must and she needs to know what happens when she doesn't respect that.

RW is right, "After the Affair" was the best book I read back when this happened to me and it did shed some light on my pain back then to my ex. It helped him start to feel remorseful as well. He didn't want to read that book back then because he was too focused on a philandering book (which was also good.) I guess that should have been a big red flag to me but I guess I was clueless. Anyway, I did read my ex parts of "After the Affair" and it helped him understand the pain involved and a lot more. My ex also admitted loving OW when it first happened and eventually he started realizing how much of a fantasy it all was, but it took a lot of reading and even some rejection from the OW to get it through to him.

Hang in there and I'm sorry you've had to join us. This group is a great support and we do understand how painful it is.

Charlie

Hurt6524, first let me welcome you again.

This limbo that you are living in must be like icing on the affair cake. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

It is indeed a pre-requisite for your wife to go no contact with OM before she or you can move forward in your marriage and personal healings. Your wife must make some final decision about what she wants. The problem with that is the fog that she is obviously in regarding the OM. The affair is a fantasy world with the draw similar to a drug addiction. It's not real but for her to make a sound decision based on what she thinks she wants is like a catch 22. It will just go around and around in circles if left up to her. She wants her cake and eat it too as we say around here. She won't be able to face what she has done to you until OM is out of the picture so don't expect her to even realize at this point that she needs to feel or be remorseful. It seems that she is so deep in the fog that she really has no idea that there may be consequences to what she has done or is doing. Your wife does what she does because she can.

My immediate advice here is for you to decide how much of this you can put up with and how much you can't. Once you decide, tell her in no uncertain terms what will happen if this or if that takes place. Write it to her so there will be no mistake what you said. This is what we call setting boundaries. But beware, you loose credibility if you set a boundary and allow her to break it without consequences. This will only extend the agony for both of you to endure. This is also what we sometimes refer to as tough love. So as you decide what you can live with or not, you have to decide also a relavent consequence for her if she violates the boundary. And most importantly you must hold her to either the boundary or act on the consequence if the boundary is broken. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

This sounds so easy as I write it but believe me we have people here struggling with this very issue and have been struggling for months and years. Limbo must be a horrible way to live.

Wish you well, H2C

Howdy Hurt,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you had to find us.

<<< Turns out WS kept seeing and being with OM, including seeing him last month "to set the record straight" and was supposedly not intimate. With her track record on false starts, how do I believe that.>>>

The simple answer is you don't. With a history of false starts and her "setting the record straight meeting" with him last month how can you even begin to trust her?

<<<First question, what's the best way for WS to break away from OM >>>

The first thing she has to do is maintain NC with him. One of the worst things to go through as a BS is to watch your WS grieve over the loss of the affair. Unfortunately in alot of circumstances its quite common.

I agree with H2C. Take some time and think about what you need for your marriage to survive in the long run. Decide what your boundries are and stick with them. A word of caution: do NOT list something you will cave in too because the likihood of her "testing the waters" so to speak is high. She's had control for awhile and is not going to want to give that up. Obviously you can't control her or her actions but you can take control of how you respond to them.

Think about shifting your focus away from her and put it where it belongs...on you and the kids. She'll either jump on board when she sees there is a very real chance she could lose everything or she won't. Either way you will know. Limbo is no place to live...if you can call it living.

Wishing you strength and peace through this holiday season.

Regards,

Tex