I’ve been having good days and bad days, as to be expected. X-mas came up and my wife & I were arguing. She wrote me a letter a couple days before X-mas to try and tell me that she has trouble communicating with me, and that she needs to be able to get angry, mad, sad, bitchy, whatever it takes…but to not be afraid to do those things. She’s right about that. I have always had a difficult time being a good listener, and not interrupting when we argue, there’s no question about that. I have a tendency to get angry and yell, or I can argue a point with such precision and break it down to such minute elements that I simply wear her down. It’s a horrible trait that I have, which I know I have to work on if I want this – or any – relationship to last. I know it contributed over the years to her resentment of me. It’s probably the biggest contributing factor.
She also wrote things in that letter that – to me – seemed like blame-shifting, or at least, was evidence that she is still not willing to accept that I am STILL in complete shock about this whole A business, and she wants me to move on. There were some hurtful things in that letter. Granted, she didn’t have time to edit it or even finish it before she gave it to me, because she threw it at me in the heat of another argument…so I received the raw version of it. She later said that she might have changed some of the wording, but that I needed to understand the underlying meaning of the letter and why she even had to write it down instead of telling me. I understand…it’s about communication…about her being able to feel safe to argue, communicate, etc., and not have me shut her out and turn things around on her. The words she chose to use still hurt me though. I told her that just by writing some of those things (separate from the tone and subject of the letter), it’s evident to me that she still doesn’t really “get it”. She just rebuts by telling me that I don’t really get it either, meaning the subject of communication and me not listening. There is always a “But” in there. Rarely an acceptance for its own sake. The hurtful things can’t be separated to her, because “that’s what she was feeling at the time.” She says we just have to agree to disagree, which we did…but the simple fact of the matter is that I was still disappointed in her and even more discouraged because she COULD write those hurtful things and give them to me…that the tone and subject needed to be written, but should have been communicated without the hurtful phrases. Especially at this stage of discovery. She just doesn’t want to understand that.
We called a truce over X-mas, because my family came to visit. Everything was great until we went to bed on X-mas night, when it all came flooding back to me…the A, the sex, the OM, the possibility that she could have thrown family Holidays like that away, everything. I brought it up – not in a particularly constructive manner, I’ll admit - and it made matters worse. We’ve been arguing ever since. In the last few arguments, she has been doing to me many of the things she accuses me of doing (much of which is true), like get upset with me when I get upset with her. The letter is a good example. She wants to only focus on the subject of the letter – the communication issue – but she’s upset at me for being upset about the hurtful phrases in it. I feel like I can’t communicate back to her now…like it’s not safe for ME to feel the way I feel, because she wants me to stop dwelling on the A itself and move ahead with fixing me and the marriage. I keep saying to her that it’s going to take months, maybe years before I can get over the shock and not feel this way, but she doesn’t want to accept that, even though – when we calm down – she says she understands that.
I told her that I’m the one who is now afraid to say anything to her, because of how she will react. It’s as if she’s just plain tired of hearing about why I’m upset – because she knows why – and she doesn’t want to hear it from me anymore. I contend that she HAS to continue to hear it and deal with it, because she created it. That just makes her more hostile.
She also throws things back at me when I do bring things up, like when I tell her I get upset when she does something like having to have the last word. She comes back with a “Well, you do that to me”, instead of stopping and thinking about it (and not have the last word). I get angry when she interrupts me, and she says, “Well you interrupt me” instead of just stopping there. Yes, I indeed do these things as well. I’m trying to work on them. We don’t argue well…fairly. Neither of us. It just feels like there are times when she absolutely doesn’t want to face this anymore though. Like she’s stopped trying. She promised me during one of the good days that she would stop doing those things…that she would ask me, "What can I do to make it better?", even when I’m having a string of bad days and I make it tougher on her…but she’s given up on that. I think maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to hear the answer. She wants me to move on and not dwell, and she doesn’t have the patience to ride it out, no matter what she promised me. No, I haven’t made it easy for her to do these things. I have been trying to acknowledge that she’s doing them, to give her some reassurance…but it’s not enough for her I guess. I wish I’d given her more over the last couple of days, because it only takes a couple of snubs from me and she gives up…then things degrade quickly.
Yesterday, she tried to make conversation with me and did some of the little things to show me she cares, like touch me and kiss me. That was nice. But I haven’t felt like I could really communicate with her after all the arguing we’ve been doing lately, and I’m still so disappointed in her for some of the things she said in that letter, so I’ve been cold to her. This morning, she asked me if I was ever going to talk to her again. I told her again that I was afraid of the reaction she’d give me, and she said she wouldn’t get mad. When I told her I didn’t think she was trying hard enough, she got mad again, and it turned into an ugly, mean fight with her mocking me with the child’s voice, repeating that I’m afraid to talk to her…with her instantly throwing back in my face everything that I was upset with her about. It ended with me telling her that I can’t take it anymore and that I’m done with her, and her saying, “Yeah, you were done with me years ago!”, and me rebutting, “I never broke my vows because I loved you. That wasn’t being done with you.” She then questioned that I didn’t have an affair earlier in the marriage, AGAIN, like she does every time I say that. Blame-shifting! It just degrades and degrades. She told me as I was leaving that I don’t have to keep my promise to her to stay until the end of January…that I could leave now. I rebutted with, “So are you going to call him again like the last time?” It was horrible… we both fight like little 5 year olds.
I was so frustrated that I left for work…got several miles away when I realized I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring. I took it off to paint my son’s room yesterday. At first, I thought, “What the hell do I need to wear that stupid thing for? I doesn’t stand for anything anymore anyway. SHE saw to that.” Then, in about two seconds, I realized that I’m still married. That the vows I took meant something to me - at least before she broke them - and I wouldn’t be able to continue to be proud of myself if I were to do something like that. I turned around and went back home to get it. When I walked in the door, she said, “What, did you come back to tell me something else?” (or something to that effect). I didn’t acknowledge her. I ran upstairs, found my ring and put it back on and left.
I don’t know why I’m writing all this out. I’m just so frustrated. And I CAN’T just get over it yet like she really wants me to deep down. I know it will take months, maybe years to be able to pull the focus off the A and focus only on our relationship. But I feel like she doesn’t have the patience to hold out for as long as it takes, even though she promised me she did and she will. I feel like she is refusing to face what she has to face…that she throws things back at me because she can’t or isn’t willing to completely own up to what she’s done. She really has tried to do that, and sometimes she shows me that she really, truly is trying. When she posted on the Open forum, I finally felt like she really meant what she was saying to me. It took a lot of courage for her to do that…but she’s since stopped. Maybe because it’s just another thing that makes her face this whole thing. Maybe because she thinks it’s something that I want her to do only as a control factor…I don’t know. I know that it was the single most hopeful thing she’s done since this all started, and now it just feels like she doesn’t want to continue to do that because it makes her face it even more. It makes me lose hope, but if I tell her that, it will be controlling. It's just frustrating!
I know it must be unbelievably difficult to face all of this, especially when she’s trying to forgive herself. It must be hard to face that her stupid act of selfishness has hurt so many people, and could ruin 22 years of what was mostly a great thing, and irreparably harm our beautiful, stable children’s well being. I know it takes a lot of courage to face those demons…but sometimes I think she just doesn’t want to…or maybe it’s just too overwhelming, especially at certain times, like the pressures of moving, then the Holidays. I acknowledge that, and I guess I should acknowledge that to HER more often, and maybe give her some leeway to come back around to it. I guess I get impatient too.
She tells me she “gets it”, but how in the world can I believe her? Especially when she writes hurtful things to me without wanting to edit them, or when she can throw things back at me like she does. I know she’s just trying to defend herself, because I can be a real A**hole sometimes. And I acknowledge that I write in a stream of consciousness in this forum and sometimes do the same thing. I still think she’s relating too much of our past and the issues there to the reality of this one big event and what it’s done to me, and what I feel that it’s done to our relationship. That she can’t understand that she’s created this giant chasm in which she threw away all my trust and respect for her, and that all these little things add up to pushing me further away from being able to trust and believe her. She just tells me that I can’t listen…that I don’t want to…that I don’t know how to…that I don’t get it. But the bottom line is, SHE created this mess. She could have done ANYTHING other than have an affair, but she chose the single most harmful thing she could have done to our relationship to solve her problems. Now it just seems to me like she’s making everything else overshadow that one reality, and that she won’t let me deal with that fact no matter how long it takes me to deal with it, even if it means dealing with it in the manner that made her resent me in the first place. It’s a vicious cycle!
It must be frustrating to her as well. I know it is. This whole thing is a horrible mess. I want to call her and tell her that I love her, and that I’ll try to be more patient, but my pride gets in the way, I suppose. I tell myself that it should be she who should call me and tell me that she will go back to asking me what it will take to make it better, because I feel that it’s her responsibility to do that since, after all, she’s the one who had the affair and created all this horrible turmoil in me. I guess in the perfect world, we’d come to both realizations at the same time.
So much for my perfect world! THAT’S the fantasy I have to get over…that there’s no such thing. It'll take a LOT longer to get over the reality of the affair, though...and I don't know what it will take for her to come to that realization. More importantly, to accept it.
"even if it means dealing with it in the manner that made her resent me in the first place"
Okay I think I am confused....she's not suppose to repeat past actions that hurt you or your marriage, but yet you still can????? How does that accomplish anything good? Just a question no offense meant.
First of all, sorry that you're having a rough time. Have you asked her why she hasn't posted on here anymore? I don't think you mentioned anything in your post. Have you asked her if it helped any or if maybe we offended her in some way? I hope we didn't! Or maybe the move & holidays just got in the way! Let her know it meant alot to you that she took that big step to post. As far as the fighting, it's a hard habit to get out of. My H & I never argued & now, since the A we seem to alot.When I first found out about the A we fought all the time. It got so bad that I bought a spiral notebook & vented in it & left it for him to read.Besides the A we are under alot of financial pressure. H has been out of work for 13 months & we will lose our house in March if we can't work something out with the morgage company. Our credit it now ruined too. I am scared to death. I want to hurry up & sell the house before we lose it. H likes it here in OR & I hate it here. I long to be in Arizona more than anything & can't picture myself living here much longer. H wants no part of hot weather.Oops, didn't mean to get off track!! Can you guys go to counciling & learn some tools for communicating with each other? Seems like that might be a good idea.I would think that councilors deal with this alot. I think that was such a profound thing that you did when you went back to get your wedding ring. I flushed mine down the toilet in Sept. when I found the e-mails between H & OW.I told him our marriage didn't mean a damn thing to him. That he broke his vows he made when he put the ring on my finger & so it no longer meant anything. Thank goodness it only cost $100. It meant everything to me up until I found out about the A. It's funny because his got stolen a week ago. He left it in the ashtray of his truck because he was doing some drywalling at a house & someone broke into his truck & stole over 150 c.d.s & his ring.I hope you & your W can work things out. I'm not sure what to do with my marriage. I find myself building a wall between us. I think about how nice it would be to sell the house, & the kids & I just move to an apt. in AZ. I told H I don't feel like we're a couple anymore. I just don't know if I can ever settle for him. I thought he was my everything & now he's done the most horrible thing he could have ever done.
I gotta ask you..are you two even listening to each other?
As the saying goes..."Would you rather be right or would you rather be married?" That question was to both you and Mrs Bob.
What is she not doing specifically that you need?
Did you see anything positive in that letter...anything at all? Unless the letter was a full blown assault I think just the fact she wrote down what she was thinking is commendable. We aren't always going to like what we hear or read, but maybe that's HER truth for the time being...just like your truth is yours.
You need to keep bringing up this continuing communication breakdown with the MC until you both learn some tools to listen and talk to one another without drowning the other one out.
Regards,
Tex
This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Dec 28, 2005 6:03 PM
Lori & Tex, you are both correct. No, we're not listening to each other, and we both think the other isn't listening. We both argue in a destructive manner. Counseling has only helped a little. I get a little frustrated with our MC osmetimes, in that he's not as interactive with us as I guess I'd like him to be. Several times last week, I asked him to jump in with his opinion, views, whatever...but he tends to sit back and mediate between us. He has given us guidelines for how to argue, and we have made a few steps. It's just that when we come to a boiling point like this morning, all rules are thrown out, and we try to outdo each other.
I sent her a text message & said that I'm sorry it got so ugly between us this morning, and that we BOTH don't argue properly. I told her that I love her and we need to talk without killing each other. She called...was pissed & didn't want to talk over the phone. We'll talk tonight.
You're exactly right Tex that her writing to me was a positive step. Very commendable. I want to be the one she communicates with...not somebody else. I want her to be the one I communicate with as well. I think we both have to learn what you're saying...that we aren't always going to like what we hear from each other. We're so volatile right now that we can't accept that...but we have to. BOTH of us.
Edited to add...
In response to your question Tex, about what she's not doing specifically that I need. Well, that's the other part of the text message I sent her, then later told her. I sometimes feel that she isn't trying hard enough to "get it", and some of the statements in the letter and how she reacted to me being upset about it exemplifies that to me...so I've been frustrated and disappointed with her. But I realize that I'm being impatient with her because I do know she's trying. If she doesn't get it all the way yet, I have to keep telling myself that she's trying, and hopefully she will eventually understand what all this means, completely. She is impatient with me as well. I know she would like me to move on and not dwell, but I also know that will take a lot longer than 3 months since D-day...so I guess I want her to show me more than she has been. She has been showing me a lot. It's just that when we put things off like we did for X-mas, it feels like she falls back into the mode of not showing me as much, as quickly as I'd like it. I know...that's mostly MY problem...I told you I was impatient. I guess I'm a little pleased with the fact that I can at least recognize that, and that I wasn't the butthead who wouldn't contact her first to let her know that I recognize it.
Does that make sense?
This message has been edited by bobmorbitzer on Dec 28, 2005 7:06 PM
This is my opinion and my opinion only. If either of you are still in a violatile place tonight then why not forego the talk until you are both in a calmer state? No sense in adding fuel to the fire especially without a hose nearby to put the flames out.
There's nothing wrong with having some breathing space bro if either of you need it.
>>I told her that I’m the one who is now afraid to say anything to her, because of how she will react. It’s as if she’s just plain tired of hearing about why I’m upset – because she knows why – and she doesn’t want to hear it from me anymore. I contend that she HAS to continue to hear it and deal with it, because she created it. That just makes her more hostile.<<
Bob, this is the key to the whole situation.
You will likely continue to feel rightfully (and a bit righteously) angry over this. (I did for years.)
I'd bet that this isn't the first or only time in your marriage when she's told you in so many words that she's tired of hearing that you're upset.
Bob, plain and simple: a spouse who doesn't want to hear about why you're upset (1) doesn't get it, and (2) maybe never will. I don't mean just over the affair. I mean all the time about most things, and that seems to be what you're describing.
If you complain about something, the discussion needs to be about your complaint, NOT about how you hurt her feelings by bringing up your complaint!!!
It sounds really elementary, Bob, but I have two suggestions for you.
Make your complaint short and sweet, and then stop. Second, you simply do not need to respond to everything. I know you think you do, and I know you think you need to respond in detail (I know I always did), but you don't. It probably won't help.
What I'm saying is this: change the game. Don't offer her the chance to bait you successfully. See, if she manages to start a fight about it, she wins because YOU SHOW ANGER.
Hi Bob...glad to hear from you again. I have been thinking about the two of you and the move. I have not finished reading all of your post but I am going to share what has come up for me. It's going to be a whack with the 2x4. I still read very much "control" in your posts. Why did you want her to write the letter? She was doomed from the start because I think you are expecting too much from her. This is what I would do if I were you. Why don't you sit down and write the letter you wanted her to write? What would have been said? What would you have wanted her to say to you that you needed to hear? Again, your expectations are getting in the way. You want her to be authentic, yet you put conditions on the manner in which she does it. SHE IS WHO SHE IS.....there are many things that are wonderful about her. She has many qualities that you don't have and that you could probably learn about from her. The reverse is true. There are many qualaities about YOU that she could learn from...
Another thing that came up for me was the choice that she made. She SHOULD have entered counseling to try to get a grip on her dissatisfaction with the marriage, but she didn't. She obviously didn't feel that she could talk to you about it because of these "alleged" conditions that you hold over her. She SCREWED UP BADLY...you aren't ready to let it go yet. She needs to hear that from you and know that if the two of you are going to get through this, your needs are to be able to express what you have to express. There need to be conditions on that...yelling, etc. is not acceptable. I don't think it is humanly possible to put a "truce" on expressing your feelings. Those have to get out. You need permission from her to be able to do this. It will be hurtful to her but that is what she hasn't quite "gotten"....the pain she experiences when you bring it up is the same pain you are experiencing as the precipitating factor for bringing it up....never ending.
That is what I wanted to say at this moment. I am going to finish reading your post and if anything else comes up for me I will add it in another post. Be ware...I'm in a writing mood this morning.
This message has been edited by Sage56 on Dec 29, 2005 9:08 AM
Hi Bob...fnally finished reading the post. You are right, you two fight like 5 year olds. When I read about some of your fights, I want to interject with "why didn't you ignore that, or say this." I am no expert on communication...but you two are in a constant "win win" struggle. It will NOT lower your sperm count for you to do what you want to and need to do. For example, you indicated that you wanted to phone her and say that you loved her and for her to be more patient. What inhibited you from doing that, you PRIDE? Chuck the pride, the guilt, the what you think she deserves messages in your head and DO WHAT YOU THINK YOU WANT TO DO. Again, your body is asking you to take care of it and you are NOT. If that phone call would have brought you some relief, why didn't you make it? What's your goal here? You want to get the marriage in a place where you can both re-establish some trust and commitment. How can you do that when you pay attention to what your MIND/BRAIN is saying and not to what your BODY is saying? Your brain is getting in the way too much. Go with your own instincts and do what you want to do. there are not rules for this, no one is keeping score, you are not out to win the Poster Child of the BW's. You are simply trying to get the relationship in a better place whre you can both concentrate on each other and one another. I don't know quite how to describe this except that you are your own worse enemy and your BRAIN is putting you there. Say what you want, when you want, and do what you want. Much of her reaction and behavior will depend upon what she gets from you and vice versa. You are both EXPERTS in the game playing business. If you want to play a game, but the game Boggle...you have to use your MINDS in that game...no emotions involved except for the competition that the two of you continue to focus on wtih each other. Best of luck Bob...hand in there. You have experienced the most disappointing thing in your life. This is a great opportunity for you to learn ACCEPTANCE...it will be a lesson worth learning. You have two young children that are going to make some stupid decisions in their lives as well....they will need you as their steward in life to help them through....not their critic...not their "superegoe" either. Keep painting...that might keep your mind off of things...probably it will give you too much time to think....do something that will keep those ugly invasive thoughts out of your head. Praceice acceptance...how you do that I don't know. Be present in the moment and enjoy your life.
Thanks Sage. You are exactly right about the fact that I'm not ready to let it go, or "just get over it", and I think she knows that. It's just difficult for her to deal with, because it means facing her screw-up more often than she would prefer to. Can't say I blame her, but that's something we're both going to have to deal with for some time. You are exactly correct about the pain on both sides.
One thing though, please re-read the post. She wrote that letter to me on her own. I didn't ask for it, nor was I expecting it. But I can say that I welcomed it, at least for the subject matter and the reasoning behind it - her need and ability to communicate with me, openly and without fear - which is a big step for many reasons. The other parts, the hurtful phrases...well, those I'm still trying to deal with.
And you are correct about some of the control factor. That's why I realized I was being impatient. It hit me like a ton of bricks as I was writing the original post yesterday, which is why I sent her that text message. Just like it's going to take its own time for me to recover, it will take its own time for her to get it, if at all (as Chris commented). I have to remember that and calm myself down when I get over anxious. I'm working on that. It's tough for this old dog to learn that trick.
Hi Bob...sorry about misreading the post...it's hard for this OLD dog to comprehend what I am reading. Best of luck to you. Be patient with yourself too....the marriage is worth saving....I think the two of you acknowledge that and you will just have to find your way to get there. Hope you can enjoy your new year celebration....2006....I can't wait. Isn't that rediculous that we as humans are so externally controlled....a date on the calendar is going to turn my life around??? RIGHT. Best to you and your wife.
Thanks Sage. All I can say is, I'm good and ready to say goodbye to this horrible year. I know a single day on the calendar won't make a difference, but at least it will allow me to think of it as "last year" & perhaps make it more psychologically distant.
Funny thing, speaking about the New Year, I was curious about the meaning of the song, "Auld Lang Syne", which is traditionally sung on New Years. It has an interesting correlation with what's going on with me. Here's the Modern English translation of the Old Scottish words to that song...
Days Long Ago
Should old acquaintances be forgotten
And never be remembered?
Should old acquaintances be forgotten
and days long ago.
Chorus:
For days long ago, my dear,
For days long ago
We'll drink a cup of kindness yet
For days long ago!
And surely you'll have your pint tankard
And surely I'll have mine.
And we'll drink a cup of kindness yet
For days long ago.
Chorus
We two have run about the hills
And pulled the daisies fine
But we've wandered many a weary mile
Since the days long ago.
Chorus
We two have paddled in the stream
From morning sun till dinner-time
But the broad seas have roared between us
Since the days long ago.
Chorus
And here's my hand, my trusty friend,
And give me your hand too,
And we will take an excellent good-will drink
For the days of long ago.
I'm hoping some day I can live that last stanza. Time will tell, I suppose.
Bob...I never realized the wording from the song...have not seen the translation that you posted. I will never get the chance to "live" the last verse...that makdes me so sad. I am looking forward to the new year so that I make some major changes in my life. I regret that his lifestyle choice has resulted in my having to take on an adventure that I never thought I would have to consider. I realize that I can't live in this town anymore. This is the city where we raised our two boys...they are grown and gone from home, but this was and still is HOME to them. I know, a "house" is not a home, but this one has such special meaning to me, obviously not to him. In any event, I am looking for teaching positions (I teach college) in this side of the country and plan to be gone by August 2006. That really is sad to my boys, but they won't live here forever. There is nothing keeping me here. My oldest son will graduate from medical school next year (2006) and be gone and my youngest son who is a freshman in college will not be home again after this summer. So, why should I stay here? There are nothing but constant triggers for me here. My former H's professional office is two blocks from our home. He shops wtih the OW at the grocery store where we used to shop....I can't go anywhere. I feel like I am a prinsoner in my own home. Soooo. I will sell it and move on. I am about 4 years away from retirement and then I will probably be traveling and doing volunteer work...so it doesn't really matter where I live. The thought of moving has provided me with the most excitement I have had in over 2 years. I know it will upset (maybe not) my children, but home is where the "heart" is, right? My poor stomped heart is still moving but it has not been healthy for some time. Anyway, I enjoyed reading the verses....I only wish I could live out the last one. I don't ever want to be given that opportunity again....won't be part of my life experience. BUT, I feel that it will be part of yours. Best of luck to you. Hang in there....
I was thinking about your responsees to things. Why don't you try to to the opposite of what you WANT to do? That might be the answer for you. Life is a paradox, maybe we should live it as such.
Best of luck to you and your wife. Have a glorious new year's celebration. I am going to rent some movies and drink mudslide
This message has been edited by Sage56 on Dec 29, 2005 5:51 PM
Bob, I wish it was "brilliance" more than experience talking.
I've got to tell you, I've identified very strongly with many of your posts since you've joined us. In the matter of being precise with words and explanations, and in wanting to be understood fully and completely, I think we're brothers.
However...I can't tell you how many times over the years good friends told me in a sort-of exasperated way, "Chris, no one cares...LET IT GO." In my defense, I thought I only pursued REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF. Clearly, I pursued some stuff that was REALLY IMPORTANT to exactly one person. Me.
Sadly, it took me the first 45 years of my life to learn how to choose my battles better. Even then, I probably err on the side of walking away now.
I won't wax poetic on how men used to tell each other stories that taught lessons about choosing battles, but that's something our culture has lost somewhat. Not because we men don't all have dads or friends, but because we have lost the "tribal elder" part of our culture. We don't sit around and listen to our uncles, grandfathers, and older work associates pass on their own hard-earned wisdom (and we ALL know we'd never listen to our fathers...LOL).
Our culture rarely recognizes a wise and gentle man. We value celebrity and noise far more than we value wisdom, which is why it's a little surprising to see coverage of the great outpouring of affection for Tony Dungy and his family since the death of his son, James Dungy. ALL of the men who know Coach Dungy who have commented publicly on his situation have said some version of this: "He's a good man, and knowing him has made me a better man, and I am here for him now".
Chris...I enjoyed your post. I too have read the heartfelt outpouring remarks about the coach...that's my FAVORITE NFL team...I really enjoy Manning. You are right about our culture. As I read your post I kept thinking, "it's because all of the men have chosen self-gratification over the protection and commitment to their family"...then I remembered that these are two men who have been deeply wounded (you & Bob) by the actions of women. I miss most for my sons the "steward" in life that I thought their own father would be to them. This man couldn't give them any advice that they would need. He has turned the tables....he is the least wise of all and the most dysfunctional. There is really no one to blame for that. I don't know when or where he took the wrong turn in life. I hope and pray that I was not responsible for this....the feeling that he had to leave or he would smother to death. The fact that he couln't come to ME to share his sadness and unhappiness...that must have been my fault. I feel that I have royally screwed up my entire family...but I don't really think I have the power to do that. My former H made such bad choices and decisions in his life. At the expense of what? Sex? Whew....how lame. Anyway, as I read your post I was saddened by the fact that my sons will grow up without that person of wisdom in their lives....I am there, but that's all. I hope that they can find that from someone else on their own. My wisdom was a function of my life and my experiences...it was fueled by my marriage and the presence of my former H in it....now it's gone. Luckily my sons are grown and make decisions for themselves that have served them well. I guess we (former H and I) did something together that was good and right. Raised two responsible, caring, empathic men. Still so sad.
"The fact that he couln't come to ME to share his sadness and unhappiness...that must have been my fault. I feel that I have royally screwed up my entire family...but I don't really think I have the power to do that"
You DON'T have the power to screw up your entire family nor cause his sadness and unhappiness. Your ex knew what he was doing when he was screwing around with OW, he knew what he was doing when he was stringing you along for the ride and claiming he didn't like OW while living with her and helping raise her children. He knows he's been pushing his children away from him althought he doesn't want to admit it. IT IS NOT YOU SAGE!!!!!! I wish you could believe that. Your ex had lots of other choices than to cheat. He could have divorced first but he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. From what you've said, I think your ex has some severe emotional and self esteem problems. He could not leave your marriage until he got comfy in a new relationship and then realized that "oh crap" maybe this isn't all it's cracked up to be. Please stop blaming yourself SAGE!!!!
Thanks Charlie....I would like to think that he had other choices....I wonder what precipitates that kind of reaction from a human being toward another human being? It sickens me that he choose that path...to leave so many damaged souls in his path after the fact. I think he must have been drugged...at least that is how he acted. I recall one night at his office, he was dead drunk and he had all of these pictures of the family (me & boys, etc.) taped to his office wall. The space those pictures consumed was about 4x4 feet...from the time the children were babies...20 years worth. Do you know what he did? He ripped them off of the wall saying that he can't stand looking at them anymore...he hated all of them...it was not his life anymore. I think back on that time (about 1 1/2 years ago) and my body just becomes numb...how could a human being demean his own family like that? I just threw the pictures away yesterday...I guess that's why it is on my mind. I found them torn to shreds in a bag on the floor in my office. It is the sadest thing I have ever witnessed. Following that scenario, he took a picturee that I had given him for his office and threw it again a wall and then kicked it until the glass broke and the frame fell apart. Whew. I want to erase those memories from my mind forever....I certainly hope that some day I won't recall those incidences. Thanks for your words.
