I posted this on the open forum but need as much advice as possible. Thanks! "Hello all. I am a betrayed husband that found out 2 weeks ago about my wife's affair and abortion. I am in the Military and was away quite frequently and told my wife only 3 days prior that I was coming home for the holidays (Not sure why she did not think I was coming home). I came home and immediately left for 2 days for an interview in another city as I am getting out of the Military. The day I returned, she goes out and does not come home until 0300. WOW! After much discusscion and apologies, she assured me that this would not happen again. Now to be honest, we were having some problems but none whereby either one of us practiced staying out practically all night. On Monday, she had a pre planned business trip to another city for the week (another reason I found her going out strange). After returning from her week long trip on Friday, she called me and asked me what was going on. I told her that the kids and I would be at a Movie and be home around 9pm. She then asked me if it was ok for her to go and have a a drink with a couple of friends and I told her I did not mind. She came home at 0430. I was a little POed. I finally got up around 0630 and got her off the couch and told her to go to bed as the kids were getting up. As she did that, I got on the lap top and saw that she had been visiting sites for womens clinics. WOW! I immediately went and searched the car and found the reciepts. I was devestated and confronted her. She denied it as expected and I believed her (But could not let it go like that). She came up with this BS stroy about helping out a friend (That I knew) who was separated from her husband and trying to move on. I believed her because I wanted to and she told me that she would get a divorce before ever cheating on me. I asked her was she involved in a relationship with someone and if it was over and she denied it all. I got her to go to the counselor/pastor that night and she told the same story. We had a great weekend of church going and prayer and she goes to work on Monday. Calls and says that her friend, (That she helped get the abortion) really needed her and wanted to know if I had a problem with her stopping by to chat with her. I told her I did in deed have a problem with it because we were having problems that were not delth with and that I was not resolved with this abortion issue. After much exchange, I told her to do what she wanted. She came home at 0230, and had been drinking. I was waiting when she came home and we had a heated exchange. I knew she went to a gathering of some sort because I blocked out my phone number and called her friend with the problems (My wife would never answer a restricted/private call) and heard about 3 or 4 others in the back ground. All this did was further spur me on to investigate. I felt she was getting drunk and staying out late to keep from me attempting to be intimate which she could not do because of the abortion. On, the next day, it was her B'day. This is when I had a female call the abortion clinic and act as if they were her and say that they were having complications. They said hold on and came back with her chart and spilled the beans. She calls me and tells me that she wants me to come out with her and her friends to celebrate downtown. I told her sure (Though I had no intentions of going to see the guy she was screwing), and to just give me a call when she got there. She calls me at 9 and asked was I on the way. Mind you that we have 3 kids all below the age of 12. I told her that I had no intentions of leaving the kids and to call me a little bit later. She did not call (Which was find with me)until around 1 a.m. and was clearly drunk and was brought home by a friend. Great for me because I had to take her to her car the next morning which was a 25 min drive away. I confronted her again with my new information and told her in no uncertain terms that I knew everything, wanted her to be honest and go to counseling. If not, I was going to file for divorce and take the kids. She said nothing. That evening after she returned from work, she broke and confirmed it all. My problem now is what to do? Even though she told me about the affair, I am having a hard time believing that she has only been unfaitful once and is being totally honest. We have not yet attended our first counseling session and I have had 2 moments of weakness (Crying breakdowns). The first was on the night of confirmtion and the second just came out of nowhere during normal conversation. To put this in perspective, I can't remember ever crying before and am not a very emotional guy. I don't know how to proceed with intimacy, affection, or weather or not to believe her. I know that in order to make this work, all of these things will have to be addressed and delth with. Does any man or woman who has betrayed her husband have any pointers on how to be intimate after discovery? Any help on any of my rambling will be helpful. I apoligize for any misspelled words and/or grammer errors in advance. I am just so full and had to put it out. Hope it makes since and I get some responses. Thanks in advance."
<<< Does any man or woman who has betrayed her husband have any pointers on how to be intimate after discovery?>>>
Does one of you not want to be intimate or are you both alittle nervous? If its the latter then some groundrules might come in handy...i.e its ok for either of you to stop if its just too uncomfortable or one of you is triggering(too upset, having visuals etc).
Setting the mood is also helpful. Romance and seduce each other.
If its the former you both need to sit down and discuss it and find out why. Everyone is different so there's no correct answer to this. Just make sure its when you both are ready. If it continues for an extended period of time(again a personal choice) then you might want to discuss it with someone such as a marriage counsellor.
Either way you and she are going to have to get to the bottom of why she had the affair.
I know this was vague but I hope it helped in some small way.
It is difficult to explain. I want to be with her intimitely but I think she does want to be with me intimitely but I am having difficulty getting past her being with someone else. I feel terrible insecure and have often wondered what positions they were in, weather or not they had oral sex, did you climax. I know all of this is not helpful in moving forward but I just want to know. I even want to see this guy. Does this sound crazy to you guys. Again, she told me that she became friends with this guy and only had sex with him once, made him use a condom, she felt terrible about it and severed all connections. Then she found out she was pregnant and had an abortion. I just don't feel she is being totally honest. I don't feel I would have ever found out about this or if she would have ever come clean if I did not have such compelling evidence. Thanks for your reply. I need help.
Those are all very normal questions. Some people need the nitty gritty details and some don't. If you really want to know then ask, but and I cannot emphasize this enough...its gonna hurt like hell.
Some folks are glad they know(it wasn't as bad as they thought) and others the exact opposite. Others want to know so there are no sexual secrets between their spouse and the OP. its almost a "pick your poison" kinda thing.
Now whether she tells you the truth is another thing. Most will downplay what happened, at least at the beginning.
Whatever you feel comfortable with...then do.
Regards,
Tex
This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Dec 29, 2005 1:04 PM
Hi KT....I am sorry that you are having to deal with such a painful event. I typically comment on things that come up for me as I read other's posts. I won'e have any advice as I am no further along than you are. I think you are beating a dead horse by trying to question whether or not there were other affairs. You know of this one....deal with the feelings that you are experiencing and ask any questions of her that need to be addressed. If your decision to divorce is based on whether or not there have been other affairs, what difference would that make? You already know she has lied and is capable of carrying out these lies...she is deceitful, has betrayed you, has displayed the ultimate amount of disrespect. I think if you try to base your decision on whether or not there were other affairs, at what point will you believe that she has told ALL OF THE TRUTH. She will withhold information because of the guilt and not wanting to further cause you an pain. At this point, you know what you need to know.....her moral fiber has loosened and she has disappointed you. Again, I have no advice...others will be able to provide you with some insights and more things to help you clarify the question and thoughts you are having. Best of luck to you. I am again sorry about your pain. We are all there, or at least have been there.
What I want most is for my wife to not only seek marital counseling with me, which she has agreed, but to seek some personal counseling to exercise some of the demons from her past. Things she has never told me about that I have found out about through being nosy and piecing together from her mother. Some of this stuff is quite disturbing and need to be addressed. I could never let her know that I know these things already because I think it would push her further away from getting help. During the height of discovery, when I was not sure as to weather or not we could work through this, I told her that even if we decided to get a divorce, she needs professional help from a counselor. I am just not sure how she took this. I never meant it as a stab but she may have taken it as that. My wife clearly appears to be hurt about what she has done and told me that she does not see how I could ever forgive her. I am just so untrusting of her right now that I don't know weather to believe her or not. I just keep thinking back to the performance she put on when I confronted her initially and with the additional evidence. She deserved an emmy and would have given Susan Lucci a run for her money with her reaction or shock and disbelief that I would accuse her of such an act. I know that I want my family and wife. As I told my wife though, I am not interested in staying together for the kids. I only want to be with her if she wants to make me numer 1, her best friend, lover and all she needs just as I want to make her. I just need help getting there and really appreciate you guys input. One other thing, I am not sure how this abortion has affected her emotionally. We are both pro life and "Had" a bibilical foundation in our marriage and I could not imagine having done that but on the same note, I don't honestly feel I could have stayed with her if she had gone through with the pregnancy. I am sorry if that sounds cold but it is honest. Fortunately, I am forgiving but I am surely not Jesus.
Hi, and welcome to a safe place to talk. I'm sorry that you've had to come looking for us.
"We are both pro life and "Had" a bibilical foundation in our marriage and I could not imagine having done that...."
I know that your emotions are all over the place right now. Imagine how your wife must feel if she was pro life and had to get an abortion to keep her adulterous secret from you. Wow, what a mess.
I just want you to know that all of your questions, all of your distrustful thoughts, all of your emotions, all of your frustrations and confusion is perfectly normal. This is a traumatic experience that really can't be understood unless you have experienced it first hand. But people here have had the experience.
You are right on the money by wanting her to seek counseling. I believe that all FWSs should seek individual counseling as well as with their partner in marriage counseling. My wife had experienced some traumatic events as a child. Generally, wayward people have had a traumatic episode in their childhood or along the way. They need to identify and deal with whatever happened to them before in their lives in order to ensure not having another affair.
Again, she told me that she became friends with this guy and only had sex with him once, made him use a condom, she felt terrible about it and severed all connections. Then she found out she was pregnant and had an abortion.
What does your gut tell you about these two sentences? Only once with a condom and she got pregnant????????
Hi Kt...I read your response and I was taken back by the comment that you made vis a vis telling your wife that you know of some of her issues in the past. Don't you think that by NOT sharing this, you are simply perpetuating an already existing problem..lack of intimacy. I think you need to lay everything on the line to her...preface it with...this is what I know and am willing to share regardless of your response. I want you to do the same with me. I don't understand couples who keep "secrets" from one another. Isn't that what has gotten you to this site? Her inability to disclose to you something that you should have known...or at least should have been privvy to? you are an emotional wreck now. I can believe it when she says that she does not know how you can forgive her. She is implementing a "protective" stance...she is not going to get any closer because she could not stand the pain. Make sense? Anyway, that's what came up for me as I read your responses. Maybge she needs YOU to go to counseling with her? She might need for you to be there to be supportive or counteract some of the things that come out...simply as a support person. You could certainly offer that. If the counselor wants to see her alone, then so be it. She might be more willing to attend the IC if you are willing to sit through a few sessions with her. She will be able to tell you when she is ready to do it on her own. Hang in there....keep posting.
"I just don't feel she is being totally honest. I don't feel I would have ever found out about this or if she would have ever come clean if I did not have such compelling evidence"
Trust your gut. There are probably few of us here who have gotten the whole truth right in the beginning. The problem is that it only makes matters worse and trust harder to come by. "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms is a very good book for both of you to read.
I have just recently (two days before my birthday) found out that my husband cheated. I know how you have the need to ask all the details which is what I have done. If he told the truth, it's not as "bad" as I thought. But it still doesn't change the fact of what he has done. As far as the intimacy part, it has been weird in the sense that one second I want to be close to him (it's been very emotional) and the next second I feel distant and I hate him. It has been a very emotional rollercoaster ride and it doesn't feel like it will stop anytime soon. I feel your pain. Just remember to be true to your emotions.
