Ok...so how is it that one can go from being somewhat 'ok' to being full of rage and anger?

Last night tried to be calm with H and try a bit of cuddling and suddenly all the emotions came crashing down (and out) and left me wondering why I was still in the same house as H.

Does it subside? Ever?

Back at work today and the anger is just magnified....why did this have to happen to me? I am intensely jealous of anyone who seems 'normal'. That is all I ever wanted.

I am also a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. What possible reason could this be for? SIX years! I keep searching for higher meaning and come up empty.

The obsessing about what the OW meant to him has just not subsided or even abated. And although I know better--I take their intimacy (however sick it may have been) personally--like my H was trying to hurt me directly.

And you know what really gets me is that I have had opportunity to be unfaithful to my H and I chose not to. As I told him, I chose him....and to not hurt him. Everyday for six years he chose to hurt me every time he decided NOT to tell me what was happening. How does one build hope to repair the marriage?

That is another issue: choice. Who is first choice? The OW or the BS? I can't play second fiddle to anyone (nor should I have to) and how can one be convinced they are first choice? And when you look at yourself in the mirror and you know that you are truly cherished and loved beyond words by your H/W. Passionate love--not the love that borders on 'family love or I love you b/c you're the mother/father of my children'. That their H/W thinks that they have died and gone to heaven because YOU love them and THEY love you.

I am also very sad that my children no longer have the mother that they had 3 weeks ago....they, like me are innocent of all this, yet it will be them that suffers if a) we stay together and have a horrible marriage or b) divorce and never reconcile what really happened. Don't know if I have the patience for the third option of c) staying together and creating a wonderful committed marriage. The article that was posted yesterday on recovering from infidelity that outlines the OW/OM's responsibility in the affair is brilliant. The OW told me she 'owes me nothing". I disagree. Everytime she chose to be with my husband she was a willing partner in an immoral and disgraceful situation.

H is saying he is remorseful and has been reading what I print off for him from this forum and has even started to do a bit of his own research. BUT I can't get over hating him. I tell him this too. He says he understands. H has a doc appoint. today. Told him that they should evaluate his personality..b/c there must be something that truly is amiss.

Here is a quote that I think is very insightful:

In the end it will not be our beliefs that are judged, it will be our actions and intentions. So believe what you wish, but be careful what you do and why you do it.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Bitterina (B for short--weak smile).

I'm in the Discovery chatroom if you wanna chat for a bit.
I'll hang there for a few.

Tex

B

I know that I felt very much the same way you do back when my ex cheated. This has only been a very short time, it does get better with time even if you stay. I was with ex about a year and a few months after his A and if he had kept doing things right, we would probably still be together I believe. His heart just wasn't in it. I am glad now that it wasn't but I guess if he hadn't kept on lying I wouldn't be so happy to be away from him now.

"I am intensely jealous of anyone who seems 'normal'."

You know I spoke to so many couples afterward and often when I thought they had a "normal" relationship, I found out so much more when I admitted to my H's (at the time) A. We don't always know what is going on in other people's marriages and I think more often than not that their marriages aren't very great either. I know there are good ones but with the divorce rates as high as they are, I suspect there are a whole lot of people who are in unhappy marriages who don't actually divorce.

Charlie

Well, forget the word "normal", as Charlie intimated. If you follow those infidelity books, you'll see that most of them show statistics that something like 70% of ALL marriages suffer from an infidelity at one time or another. Not sure if that's any help. It never has been for me. "Normal" to me means keeping your promises to your life partner. That's why you took the vows in the first place, isn't it? I still look at couples and wonder which one will cheat first...saying to myself, as if saying to one of the partners (usually, the guy, of course), "Don't trust her...she'll stab you in the back when you're feeling the most secure", or "It's not worth it", or even, "I wonder if SHE would cheat on me if I were to start a relationship with her" when I see an attractive woman. I guess these are all normal thoughts that most or all BS's have. It doesn't hurt any less though, does it?

I too have been riding that stupid roller coaster, although I think the anger is starting to subside and is transforming itslef into simply painful disappointment in my wife, which - at this point, 13 weeks past D-Day - is nearly as painful as the sadness born of the event itself. The thought that someone upon who you rested your entire livelihood, your very soul, your undying trust, could do such a terrible, hurtful, mindless, stupid thing just eats away at your very core, doesn't it? Disappointment in someone at that level feels like there's just no hope in what's right or good, which is so painful when YOU lived your life to believe in those things for so long.

As far as anger goes...after our last series of arguments and hateful exchanges, I kind of sat back and realized that the anger is only hurting the situation for both of us, REGARDLESS of which way I ultimately decide to go. Arguing like a 5 year old only exacerbates the volatility of the situation, when that's not really what I was shooting for in the first place. I'm starting to understand that anger only makes me want to control the situation more...but - as so many have told me on this site - control is the ultimate myth, and I'm starting to understand the "letting go" of that aspect.

I too have had thoughts about being 2nd choice. I'm not sure if that ever subsides completely. After all, why would they have cheated in the first place? Not because we were #1, that's for sure. It sounds like your H is trying to make it up to you, but they can never really get across that point of you not being #2, can they? It seems like they aren't introspective enough at this point to understand how much they need to get that across...but in an unsolicited manner. I guess that's part of "getting it" that some WS's never get.

As far as hatred...if you get to the "disappointed" phase of this like I have, I think the hatred gives way to viewing them as not hate-able, but pitiful. That's not to say they're forgivable...but rather, just so - for lack of a better term that I can think of right now - disappointing in all regards of your life together.

Here's to hoping it gets better for all of us. It needs to.

Good chatting with you B.

Tex

Hi B...when I respond to posts, I typically respond with things that come up for me as I read. Something that I could certainly identify with was the impact that the A has had on your ability to "mother" your children. That has been such an issue for me. My sons have seen me in a "state" that I never imagined they would view me. I am do disappointed in myself for some of the sadness that they have seen, I can hardly live with myself. Just tonight some trigger came up and my 18 year old son, home from college 14 hours from our home, witnessed me crying and bawling like a blubbering idiot. This is my mother? I can hear him say it to himself. This is a "grounded", bright, attending an ivy league school male...and he has to watch his blubbering idiotic mother????? What the heck? I could just bury myself in a hole and never come out. I can't stand the "collateral damage" this divorce has had on ME and my children because of MY actions. I want so badly to get through this. I wanted them to get through this without seeing me in such a pathetic state. I am not denying that they have learned compassion and caring....but I think they still would have learned it without seeing me...I didn't want them to learn it from me out of this situation.

The hate....I think those are very valid feelings. Bob's information that he shared is certainly worth listening to...he is in the "throes" of trying to reconcile as well. I was not given that opporotunity, although I wish I would have been. I am glad to be part of this forum in order to know, first hand, that there are solid, devoted, grounded males out there like Bob who think and feel the same about marital commitment as I did/do.

Obviously this is early in the process. You two have a great deal to accomplish. I would imagine that, if the marriage is salvagable, and if you are successful in staying together, that you will look back on this time as a disappointing time in your marriage. One that you didn't plan for or ever hope to happend. BUT, the strength that you have put into "saving" it and the energy you have put into making it better for the two of you is certainly worth it, isn't it? I have heard stated that "the affair was the beginning of our marriage"...does that make sense? Perhaps you can have the relationship that you wanted all along...not that you weren't happy before finding this out. I look back on my 34 year marriage and see tons of problems NOW...he didn't share with me his dissatisfaction and never has. The OW was the one who told me about their affair and that they don't call it "sex", they call it "love"...after that statement, she asked me to leave his apartment because "they had a lot on their plate"...AHAHAH she was talking about the man I was married to for 34 years...my partner in life...AHAHAHHAHAH. I am still not nearly where I shoudl be. I too look at what is "normal" and have decided that there is no "normal"....there is what one needs to get through such a tradegy...whatever it takes and however long it takes. Best of luck to you.

Sage, I kind of think about "normal" a bit the way you do, like there is no "normal." Perhaps it's just an illusion of what people "think" normal should be. I mean they see married couples and they "look" happy, they must be "normal", right?

Are any of us really "normal"?

Bob

"I still look at couples and wonder which one will cheat first...saying to myself, as if saying to one of the partners (usually, the guy, of course), "Don't trust her...she'll stab you in the back when you're feeling the most secure", or "It's not worth it", or even, "I wonder if SHE would cheat on me if I were to start a relationship with her" when I see an attractive woman. I guess these are all normal thoughts that most or all BS's have"

I've done that since the day I found out about my ex's cheating. At first, I looked at people (mostly men) and thought to myself that probably a good 90% of them would cheat. I guess just a gut feeling really. Often it was men that worked out at my gym but not all of them. There were a few men I looked at that I thought would be the type who wouldn't cheat. I know I can't possibly know that they would cheat or not just by looks, but sometimes it was the way they'd walk around with their head up in the air flashing their muscles around like they thought they were hot stuff. I saw women who I would think the same about as well. I still do it a bit (unconsciously really) but not as badly as before. During Christmas time the first few months after catching ex in his A, I remember even walking through the mall looking at people this way. It's a bit sad that we feel the need to do this, isn't it?

Charlie

Yes, it's horribly sad, and one of the major reasons I avoid being around people much these days. I did exactly what you did...was in the mall with my kids, shopping for their mom, and I thought that about every couple or every woman I looked at. It's a terrible viewpoint of humanity to think that way. I know it stems from all this pain, but it's still wrong, and I get mad at myself when I think that way. It's just not right...especially when you know that it wasn't your choice or wrongdoing that made you think this way.

I know what you mean Bob, kind of like you lose a little trust in humanity itself sometimes.

You still on and want to chat?

Charlie

Thanks for all your positive messages. I am still trying every minute to just 'carry on' where I have to (kids, work etc.) and trying to sort out my feelings towards H and this whole A.

H is going to counselling today on his own. I hope that it will help him. A part of me also fears that he will truly discover that 'our' life is not the life for him. I have been telling him that that is how I feel and that is why he had a six year A. He continually says no. I guess we'll see.

It is amazing the depth of pain that is unilaterally felt by everyone of us on this forum b/c our H/W decided to step outside of the marriage. That the issues we are all facing are so similar. I am so glad to have found all of you and that we have each other for support.

Bob: you have some great advice. The anger really doesn't help anyone, and I am tired of feeling angry b/c I am not an angry person by nature.

And on the whole normal thing...I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who now looks at couples and wonders if they are carrying huge scars of infidelity, or if one or the other is oblivious to an A that is going on with their spouse or if they are truly a happy couple. I hate that way of thinking. I fight those thoughts everyday.

Tex: thanks for the chat yesterday. I really needed it.

Thank you,
B

I thought I was kind of normal...but after the hubby cheated I realized I'm not. I returned to work today to find out that two co-workers just got married. They looked happy and I felt like crying because I was once like them. I just hope that their marriages are a success. I wished that everyones marriage would be a success.

Normal is gone forever. For all of us BS.

My H actually said to me that he did not realize the 'depth of my feelings' for him and did not think I would this affected by his A. Huh?

I feel I am trying...but I hate it when I hear such things as Sage saying she was crying in front of her sons..that made me cry!!! That is just so unfair to be put in that position and THEN to feel even worse b/c you can't control your emotions in front of people you would want to. This is when I really get angry at these cheating spouses! How can we heal when we have to be 'controlled' and carry on?

Even if we are not decent people (which we are all very decent!!) where is the humanity behind the people we married? Really.

Sorry, for yet another rant. I have a counsellor appt. tomorrow..maybe I'll feel better then.

B

B,

Rant away. That's one of the reasons we are here.

On the subject of being normal: I think we all are. We were betrayed, its supposed to hurt. Maybe its the depth of that hurt that can be overwhelming if we let it. Who would ever have throught betrayal could tear you apart so much?

Everyone of you is entitled to your feelings and you are all perfectly normal.

Just remember this is a process. There are no shortcuts through this maze of pain. Each one of you will get to the otherside in your own time. Be patient, be kind and forgive youself when you feel like you can't make it... because you can and you will.

Regards,

Tex

>>On the subject of being normal: I think we all are. We were betrayed, its supposed to hurt. Maybe its the depth of that hurt that can be overwhelming if we let it. Who would ever have throught betrayal could tear you apart so much? <<

Exactly! You can't forget it, you can't intellectualize it...it is just there like a raw, open, gaping wound. And the salt just keeps getting thrown on it. OW!

Have another Q for you guys...

It turns out that the counsellor my H is seeing, is the same one I was referred to (she claims that she had misspelled both our names and didn't put the connection together..hmmm). Do you think this is a good idea? Should we be seeing different ones?

We are not going to joint MC yet...I need to sort through my own issues right now as does he.

B

my hubby and i are seeing the same councilor together and separate. I think it may be better because that way she/he may be able to understand the situation a lot better and help the healing go a little faster (maybe?)

Thank you for your comments. I have come to the realization that it is a good thing that we are seeing the same C b/c he is such a manipulator that at least the C will get both sides of the story.

B, I am on the same ride as you. One day OK, thinking we can work to make the marriage better, the next day I can't even look at my H without getting sick to my stomach. I almost always wish he was dead, even when I'm OK. I guess I'm not really OK.

Veronica

Back when my ex and I were trying to make it work, I felt the same way about him being dead. With a lot of remorse from him, those feelings did subside even thought we didn't make it in the long run. I still don't wish him dead and don't think I ever will.

Charlie