My H had a 5 month A with a co-worker. I found out about it on 6/29/05 and again on 8/12/05 when he finally ended it. On 6/30/05 I found out about 2 other ONS that H had with other co-workers. The MOW was going too tell me so H had to tell me. I am really struggling with the 5 month A because there where emotions involved. I think I could of handled it much better if It was a ONS like the others. So my H has been with 3 other women. I had no idea of all of this s@!#. I feel so stupid for not knowing. H reason for why this happenned is because he grew up thinking that it was ok because his dad did it too his mom. I feel that he wasn't happy with me. H says that none of this is my fault and he is taking full responsibility and he is very remorsefull and trying very hard. Why am I wondering if it is the right thing too stay together? I love him very much but I feel my love has changed for him since all of this. I used too think he was so wonderful now I don't. Is this normal? We have 2 children 10 & 7 and they love ther dad very much I am so confused. I just get so angry sometimes that I want him to hurt like I am. I have lost 30 pounds and I can't concentrate I just feel lousy most of the time. The movies that go through my head are horrible. I know every detail of things they did and it makes me feel like pukeing. I thought those special things where for me. H states sex is sex and it feels the same with someone else I have a hard time believing that. I don't know please help any input would be great.

Annette,
I’m so sorry. I’m sure you feel like your whole world is turned upside down. I understand what you mean when you say you could have handled it better if it had been a ONS. It’s been 6 years since d-day for me and one of the things that made it so difficult was that I thought I was dealing with one affair and I learned there had been several - one with a woman he believed he was “in love” with. That was even more devastating than knowing he’d been having sex with other women. Like you, I had no idea it had been going on and I felt like a complete idiot. I wanted to hurt my husband, too, but I couldn’t figure out what would be the best way. If I had acted on most of my fantasies I would be in prison now.
I’m glad to hear that your husband is taking responsibility for his actions. He is absolutely right when he says none of this is your fault. No matter what issues you may have had in your marriage, there is no excuse for what he did. You’re wondering if you should stay with him after such a betrayal. You’ll probably need more time to figure that out. You have lost trust not only in him, but in yourself and everything you believed in. It’s hard to make life-altering decisions in that frame of mind. I’m sure it feels like an eternity since you found out about all this, but 6 months isn’t really that long and it’s normal to feel so confused at this point in the process. I can tell you that, in time, the pain becomes more manageable and the anger does subside. I know there are couples here who managed to get through this and have a better, stronger marriage. That’s reason for hope. You will find a lot of wisdom and compassion here, but I encourage you to also find other outlets. Do things you enjoy doing; things that nurture you and give a boost to your self esteem (which has taken a real battering recently). Your husband can be a great help to you but don’t depend on him to make this all better. That was a mistake I made and it cost me years in the recovery process. Until I decided it was up to me to take responsibility for my own healing I was hostage to my own unhappiness and anger. When I realized I was going to have to do the hard work on my own I thought it was really unfair; I didn’t ask for any of this why should I have to fix it? The answer I finally realized was because I’m the only one who can. It’s really scary but a little empowering, too. It’s normal to feel angry and devastated and confused – what else could you feel under the circumstances? I wish you all the best. This is not easy and there’s no timetable for healing. I hope it helps to know there are people here who understand and want to help.

DG

Annette,

I have been married 36 yrs...my H has had ONS's and A's...non emotional ones and then an EA- PA..that last a year and ended 3 yrs ago.

21 yrs ago when H had to tell me about his A's, ONS's because he had an STD...he blamed me and ,I carried the guilt for 18 yrs...when i found out about the yr long A...I was ready to leave him...I had my plan in place...had bought a house that I was planning to use as my bolt hole.(.H bought it as an investment)so i was just biding my time to leave him when I couldn't not confront him about his A...I had the proof and expected him to leave me..he asked to stay...I said MC...he OK plus I added NC with OW.he fought that for a few days but said OK ..I didn't believe him ...long story short is we are together...he has really worked in MC to see what he was doing to me...MC has worked hard with me to help me see that the issues were not mine to own. but weakness in H's character...
the OW made H feel special, needed and he had her telling him he was Mr wonderful ....he needed to hear that...he was deaf to my saying the same things...He never crossed the line with any person he worked with, he would seek W in bars...and never in our home town..always while traveling...for the Co.he worked for...when he retired he no longer had the adoration of the women that he worked with,,,so he needed to find someone who he could takes care of...because I took care of H...he need to take care of OW...but OW could have been anyBODY...she wasn't special to him...she needed him ...she is a weak person...she also had A's with OM during her 2 marriages...once i accepted that OW was not really special she was just a body...she happened to find him, and used him...to feed her own insecurities...so the emotional stuff was the secret driving the A..it was the lack of responsibility...My H really has no recall of OW's children...he met them...didn't impact him at all...so when you ask the questions be also aware it was the SECRET that made the A an emotional A that is what they shared made the love seem so special...it was lust not love...love doesn't grow with lies...there is no reality with lies...just more lies...bottom line is that the A will not seem special to him as he separates himself further out from the A...

I am not sure your H is right about sex is sex...it is just sex, unless there is a loving relationship...and an emotional intimacy ...communication between the two of you...so he may need the same things my h had to learn that love is important and with love come emotional intimacy...and then the deeper physical intimacy...it is all a process that your H missed as my H missed growing up.

Not sure I answered your question,...

the movie in your head will disappear...as you rebuild your relationship...and develop the emotional intimacy..

pat

First take a look at Tex's "Betrayed Spouses 101" post -- its got alot of really solid advice and information.

I only know of one EA my H had although there likely were others because there were other times my gut told me something was going on but I was too much in denial to see clearly.

I think if you run the gamut of EA's people have encountered on this board there will be everything from cyber-cheating to ONS's to long-term affairs which produced children. I think that regardless of what type of affair occurred the pain is still quite strong and real among betrayed spouses because its not the affair so much as its finding out that this person you've known and loved and trusted for so long is not the person you think they were.

We start to second-guess ourselves and doubt everything we thought we knew. What else did we get wrong? How could be so blind/stupid? Was everything a lie? Was it all a sham?

Truth is, this man you loved who did this is still the same man he always was. No doubt that he truly cared for you and loved you and maybe in his own way still does. The issue is not "love" but faith and trust. People love people who are bad for them all the time. And sometimes the people we love make mistakes and we have to figure out whether we can ever trust them again.

So, read over the betrayed spouses 101 post, use this board to share your feelings and check back for advice because we've all been through it...You're not alone.

"Why am I wondering if it is the right thing too stay together?"


That is a completely normal and difficult question. I still feel that way. What are people thinking of me? Am I a pushover? Am I letting him get away with it and in doing so condoning the actions? Am in staying am I saying that everything is okay now? Those questions go over and over in my head. It has been since 7/21 at 11:35pm, and my H has finally gotten it what damage was done. I try to think of it this way...I have to make this MY ballgame now. If I CHOOSE to stay with him, it is because I am the stronger person, I did not break our marriage vows, I did not lie and cheat. He did. He made the choice to do that and now he can choose to make things right again. It will never be the same again, but right in a different way. Did I want to leave, Hell yes. I wanted to hurt him so bad, it scared me. But I said, no, I have two kids that need both parents, I meant my vows, and I was going to stick with them until I could no longer. He is doing a good job in making amends, I have to give him credit for that. My family does not know what happened, my kids don't know anything, but his family does. He chose to tell them, which I think was a good effort on his part to come clean. Does it bother me that they know, yes and no. He thought that he was going to be kicked out of the house...I didn't do it. I took a different approach that suprised alot of people, including me. Do I feel embarrassed that he strayed. Yes and no, but in a more lucid frame of mind, he is the one that did the bad thing, made the bad choice, they cannot get around that one and condone it. There were a zillion things he could have done to demonstrate problems we were having. Just not that..the A.

I have rambled on and I propably did not answer your question. The decision to stay together will probably go back and forth a million times in your head. You have to do what is right for you. Also, remember that good people sometimes do bad things. People CAN be remorseful and change their ways. They cannot go back in time and reverse things. But they can go FORWARD. Can you forgive it? Can you live with it? Is he truly sorry? Do you want to move on with him with a new relationship built on your prior foundation. Is he able to rebuild trust in him for you? That is a tough one for me.
This is unfortunately a long process of ups and downs, and probably the answers to those questions will change in time.
I hope you can forgive, because that will only help YOU free YOURSELF from this dibacle. But only you can make that decision. I hope I helped alittle. We all know how bad you are hurting here, we've all been through it. It's like a knife through your soul, I and everyong else here knows that. But you WILL get through it. It won't be easy, not by a longshot, I gotta be honest with you, but YOU WILL be okay whether you stay with your H or not.

Jess

Annette,
I went through very much the same thing. You are not stupid! I also have 2 kids, my H also said sex was the same with OW as with me, I also feel like puking when I think of them having sex. I still cant answer why we should stay with them. Counseling has helped us a litte, and my H is remorseful. You should definitely get a great therapist.

Jess, I could have written your response almost exactly. The only difference is that my H told many of his friends about the A, almost bragging. We have intellectualized that he told because he was feeling very insecure and wanted to make himself seem wanted, desired, etc. Unfortunately for me, my emotions rule, not my intellect. The humiliation is almost too much to bear. Sometimes its hard to breathe. He also finally seems to be getting it,(how hurt I am, how hard this is for me) however, it took him much longer, dday was March 28, 2005.
We have 2 kids who need their father at home. We have been married 21 years, and this is his only A. (I am pretty sure because I bugged his phone conversations) Bugging is one way to find out the truth, but be very careful - the truth is very painful.
He is remorseful, and doing everything I ask to make the marriage work. I still question why I stay. Before dday, I was positive I would divorce if this happened. It's hard not to see yourself as weak if you dont. Hopefully, I will get to the point where I realize that a person is much stronger if they can work through this. I still think its bull that the marriage can be better than ever, too much hurt has occured, trust is gone. I wish everyone on this site can get past the hurt as quickly as possible, feel good about themselves, and be happy with whatever decision they make.

I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. I feel this is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. I am so confused from all of this. I guess all of the feelings I am haveing are normal and I am glad in away that they are so I know I am not looseing my mind. I just wish none of this happened. In away I wish I never found out and my H just stopped on his own and made this his problem. I just look at him so differently now. You are not suppose to hurt the ones you love. So I question if he truly does love me and what's the difference in telling MOW that you love her and telling me. H states he told her that because he wanted sex, what an ass!! I just don't know how to get past this I try to stay busy but it is always there to haunt me through the day. H says he wishes there could be one day that we don't talk about it. How do I stop thinking about it? Any suggestions would help. As I stated before H has been great it is me that's not great.

In regards to the comment of "sex is sex"---the last time my H and I made love we were lying in bed and he said, "At the risk of bringing up something that may just upset you, when it comes to sex, love makes all the difference." That meant alot to me.