I found about 4 months ago that my husband cheated on me. It was only one time he says. How to i know that for sure . It was with someone that is very trashy and nasty. How could he be with someone like that?? He is a good looking man and a well respected man. Why would he risk a 25 year marriage on a one time piece of trash. Please help , i don't know what to do to get over this. We are seeing a counselor. But i would like some advice from someone who has been there.
I have lost 10 lbs , i am depressed all the time. I ask him why he would do that to us and his answer is that he does not know why. He says he doesn't understand why he would risk our marriage and family that way. Help me understand please and what to i do to move on?
Thanks

Hi Kathy! Sorry that you had the need to find us. I am no expert on any of this A mess but maybe your H picked someone trashy because he has some self-esteem problems. It's hard to know the real reason & sometimes the WS(wayward spouse) doesn't know the reason either. Just please believe that the A is not your fault & it has nothing to do with you not being good enough. The A is a fantasy & is in no way reality based.In truth, you can't know that this has been his only A. You can only deal with what you do know.H is going to have to become an open book if he wishes to save your marriage. You should have access to any cell phone records, H should check in often when he is at work, etc. & he has to have NC(no contact) with the OW(other woman). He has to be willing to answer any & all questions but be ready for the following answers:"I don't know" or "I don"t remember" I still get that from my H. They either don't want to deal with what they've done or they are afraid that if we know everything that it will hurt us more.Also alot of WS have lied for so long that it's hard for them to deal with the reality of telling the truth anymore. We are here for you whenever you need us. Take care of yourself. You need to eat something, exercise alittle,& make sure you get some rest. You are going thru trauma & your body is reacting too. It is a long & hard road but you will make it no matter what the outcome is.

Thank you so much for your advice. I am trying to get past this but it is nice to have somewhere to go to vent.
My H has always been a good father and husband for the most part.But this just totally blindsided me. Would you confront the other woman to see if the stories match I know that she can very easily lie because she is also married but i really need to know if it was only one time. She was the one waiting for him naked , he was there to do some work, he didn't even know this woman and she said you are going to F___ me first.I need to know if this is the real truth. What do i do?
thanks
Kathy

Hi Kathy,

Welcome to this site. Feel free to vent anytime. It helps tremendously. I am sorry that all this happened, and 4 months out of a D-day is like being newborn to all of this. This is gonna be a long, long road, and whatever the outcome, you will be okay. Just take care of yourself. The one thing I have really comes to grips with (I must remind myself everyday), that the only thing you can control here is YOU and YOUR reaction to things. You cannot change history, nor can your H, and you cannot control things that happened or will happen, but you CAN control your reaction to things.

I can only give you my opinion of things in my life, not yours, so don't think that my word is end all, cause God knows I could be all wet, anyway.....

I would really, really, not advise contact with the OW. I think that will just be a supersize bottle of salt on your open wound. IMO your contacting her is giving her validation in your H's life. Remember, this is the type of person who really doesn't care about you or your feelings. She's trash. Period. You are in a way better position just letting her go.

My H's OW is an old family friend of his. So, there have been times in the past, and were options in the future to come into contact. That I can assure you is over. We have a Daytona party to go to, which my H had to call and make sure that she would not be anywhere near it. I made it very clear that it would be very detrimental to HER health to cross my path. I am 6 months out of D-Day, I have forgiven my H, but she is another matter. My OW and your OW are pathetic, useless wastes of oxygen, yet I know in the back of my head that I would really like to rip her face off and feed it to her. Hence, I don't want her around me or my H or my kids. How would you react to being in the same room with this garbage?

Just my opinion. Take care and again, vent often and read other posts. You will find similarities in our stories that will freak you out, and I will bet the ranch (if I had one lol), that many can be applied to your situation. They all seem to fall within some sort of similar pattern.......And however your M shakes out, remember, you will be okay.

Oh and more more thing, if you read anything here, read Betrayed Spouse 101. It covers EVERYTHING that you are feeling and then some.....I highly recommend it!!!!! Feel free to pick any chips and dip you like. I like garlic dip and pretzels, hence why I am on a diet LOL!

Hi again Kathy. It really won't do any good to contact the OW. I knew the OW & I went to her apt., confronted her, pulled her hair & listened to all her stupid lies. Didn't solve anything. Blame lies with your H. Doesn't matter if she was standing there naked. He could have said "no" & he didn't. He betrayed you & the marriage. Sorry to be so blunt but we tend to make excuses & there is NONE for cheating on you. NONE!!! You can still save your marriage if you both want to but he needs to figure out why he did what he did. That can take alot of time. My H still doesn't know either. Kathy, my H was honest, wonderful, & a good father too but I am beginning to think that he has changed & can't go back to being that wonderful. I wastotally sure he would never do any of these things & he has.Take care!!

Hi Kathy

Barb is so right. The blame lies with your H not OW. I would imagine that you will get lies from both her and him. They both did something they shouldn't have. I think it is common for both sides (he and her) to put the blame on the other to escape some wrath from their spouses. I imagine you aren't getting full truth from your H in what he said but you likely won't get full truth from her either. They are both in the "protect yourself" mode. They will often say ugly things about the other even when they don't mean them. Mine did and lots of other spouses did from what I've heard over the years. It really is a learning process for us the betrayed spouses. It is very difficult to see reality when you are going through it but some things have become very clear through the years for me and one of those is that both sides will likely lie in the beginning. I found out that not only did my ex and the OW lie to each other but they also both lied to their own spouses too. The focus should be on your H and what he is or is not doing to help you heal. He needs to be an open book now, as another poster said, and you have to decide what you will or will not tolerate and lay down some guidelines so it is clear to him - sometimes writing a list of things you needs helps, then ask him if he can do them to make your marriage work. It is very difficult at first. In time you will come to realize that she doesn't matter much. If it wasn't her, he would have found someone else to fill some void that he's feeling. This A was about him and not you at all. Us betrayed people often think of everything to blame ourselves in the beginning but there is absolutely no reason they should have cheated. I'm sorry you've had to find us but this is a very supportive group.

Charlie