I think I'm blowing it. My d-day was in July and H and I have been back together - after seperating - since OCT. He's had NC with OW and is bending over backwards to make things right.
However, I'm angry and distrustful. We've had some really great times and positive movement toward healing, but I always come back to not trusting him or getting angry.
In my head, I believe that he is sincere, but I just can't quite get past my feelings. They are ruling me and I'm afraid H is getting ready to give up on me.
HELP!

Lisa,
He blew it.

You do the best you can with all the emotional fall-out.

He will have to deal with it, and ride it out. You haven't even hit your first d-day anniversary yet! You're only 7 months out. I'm 7 years out as of this Valentine's Day, and I'm still occasionally hit with a wave of anger--still feel some lingering effects of that experience.

I do not believe that a person can think their way out of this. It's overwhelmingly emotional. It's life-altering. HUGE!

Your recovery time from his actions should not be in any way dictated by him. He caused it.

Ready to give up on you? He might want to get educated on affair recovery from the betrayed person's point of view.

We have some good books on infidelity listed on our RESOURCES link. Has he read any of these? They give a lot of insights into this really bad experience, and what it takes to overcome it.

Thanks Red Wolf,

I know you're right. And.. in fairness, H says he's not going anywhere. I just sense this frustration in him, you know? And it's the same thing I felt last year before he filed for divorce adn the A came to light. I guess I'm just scared.

I mean, I know I'd be ok even if we don't work out - I just don't want to fail and I especially don't want it to be because I couldn't manage my feelings. He has read some books and we are both going to a counselor - we even saw her together once. Maybe it's time to do that again.

Lisa,

Has he by chance read 'The Monogamy Myth' or 'After the Affair' by Janis Spring? These are also good for a marriage counselor to have read.

Just be careful not to take on an unbalanced amount of A recovery responsibility. I did that for a while. It doesn't work out well over the long term.

Once trust is taken away it must be earned back ....... and that won't happen in a couple months!

It is HIS actions over the long term that will prove to you that you can again start to put trust back into him.

I agree with Rose. He made his bed and now he must lie in it until you are in a better place. Healing takes time. It isn't a switch you can just shut on or off.

Kid

First off, re-read what the ladies said...

To take the trust thing a step further.

You both should put it in your head NOW that you will never trust him 100% ever again. That's the reality of the situation, period. Like RW, I'm also 7+ years out from D-Day. Unlike RW, my marriage survived, we are still together and better than we ever were before my W's affair.

What we learned is that trusting in another human being 100% is naive at best. We are ALL human. NO ONE deserves that 100% trust. Heck, I don't even trust MYSELF 100%, let alone someone else!

All that to say this: TIME. You're going to hear that word over and over again. Get used to it. Tell your H to get used to it as well. Most affair recovery authors all agree that it takes a minimum of two years to just get beyond the initial shock of discovering an affair. At 7 months, even being able to THINK logically is a bonus, so I would say you're doing well...

Cory

You are not a human being having a spiritual experience, but a spiritual being having a human experience.

Realized I was threadjacking with my response, so I created a new thread.

Sorry about that.

"Has he by chance read 'The Monogamy Myth' or 'After the Affair' by Janis S
Spring? These are also good for a marriage counselor to have read."

do you know if they sell these books in spanish?
I want to get it for my H.

Not that I'm aware of.

Good idea though.