Hello Charlie,

I did not want to threadjack Barb's so I started a new thread.

<<I found it interesting in hearing you say that you'd leave if your H hit you. Do you realize that your H did abuse you and your kids both that night you drove in the car with him and he acted crazy? I know it wasn't physical but it easily could have been regardless of whether he lifted his hand or just drove like that and caused an accident hurting someone in your family - it was still intentional. It was also done right in front of the kids but in some crazy way I think nearly worse b/c he was actually putting your children in harms way, not only letting them watch it.>>

I do see what you're saying and it is abuse, no doubt about it.  It is definately emotional abuse and I agree it was damaging to me and the children.  Had he hit another car or something, then I agree, it would then have been physical abuse.  And yes, I would have left him on the spot.  I really believe that.

I completely snapped that day.  It was a lighbulb moment for sure.  How could he act like that and endanger our lives like that, I thought.  But what was worse was how I reacted.  I had a panic attack when we got home...I literally felt paralyzed.  I did not confront him because I didnt want to ruin the children's Christmas.  But like I said in another post, it was HIM and HIS actions that was ruining Christmas, not me had I reacted to what he had done. I should have let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions, but I didn't.  I rescued him, like all good codependents do.  I minimized and acted like nothing happened.  It was my job to keep the peace...I was responsible. And when I recognized my own behavior I knew I had to do something about it. I knew I needed help to stop this way of thinking, and I am. I am working on me! I  am getting to a point where I can confront my H's abusive behavior.  And if necessary, leave the relationship.  I am getting stronger. But I am just not quite there yet. 

<<If you re-read what you've written yourself a few times and apply it to yourself, it goes to show how much we would give very different advice/opinions to others as we would keep for ourselves. JMHO >>

This is true Charlie, but that is because most of us are either blind to our own situations (hard to see it from the outside when you are in teh middle of it) or because we see something differently.  For example: What my H did was abuse, but not truly physical abuse.  It was kind of one of those gray areas. Meaning was it emotional abuse? Was it physical abuse?  Or was it a littleof or combination of both?  It's in the eye of the beholder, more or less in this case. All of us here have been mentally and emotionally abused to a certain degree for the simple fact that we have all been lied to, betrayed, and cheated on.  That is abuse too! And everyone has their own level of tolerance and point of view about that as well, Im sure. 

No 2x4's Charlie, lol.  You were just being honest and sharing your point of view with me.  That's one of the things I love about this place...we are all different.  What one might have thought of, the other hasnt, or one sees it this way, and the other that way.  I think we all get new perspectives from sharing our thoughts and opinions and that gives us more options, and more choices, and that is a very good thing.  Thanks for sharing with me Charlie  

Take Care,

Carol~

Hi guys! I agree that there are many different kinds of abuse. The only reason my H is getting one last chance at this marriage is that his past track record is clean. Wonderful for many, many years. But I have very strongly & calmy stood up for myself & stated that if there is ever any more type of physical abuse I will: call the sherrif, have him arrested & press charges, divorce him & make sure he doesn't get visitation with the kids. I will take them to AZ. He knows that I mean it too. My first H was abusive but as I mentioned before, he was rotten to the core from the start. There was no chance that he was ever going to redeem himself & he didn't want to. There is a chance that my current H might be able to fix things between us. I am willing to take that chance.

And there is nothing wrong with that Barb, nothing at all.  I hope your H wakes up and truly realizes that you are a class act, and he doesnt blow his last chance

Take care,

Carol~

Thanks Carol. It's probably a stupid idea to take a chance on him 'waking up" but here I am.At least I am well aware of what I'm doing this time. With my first marriage I was STUPID!!!!!!!!! How are things with you Carol?

Carol

"For example: What my H did was abuse, but not truly physical abuse. It was kind of one of those gray areas. Meaning was it emotional abuse? Was it physical abuse? Or was it a littleof or combination of both?"

I'm not sure if you know this, I can't remember if I've posted this here but in my ex's and my early (1st year) marriage, he hit me twice. When he did that I hit back and harder. I did tell him just like Barb that I would leave if it ever happened again. I rationalized back then that they weren't punches in the face, nor were they even intended to do great bodily harm like choking, they were more a punch in the arm or whatever when he was really pissed off because we were fighting.

Anyway, the years went by and although he never once touched me again, he did raise his hand to me several times and I asked a few times if he was going to hit me again. I guess this is also one of those gray areas that your speaking of so I know what you mean. Now that I think about that behavior, it was his way of trying to gain control over me by scaring me, which is a pretty shitty thing to do and it seems that crazy car ride your H took you on could have been for the same reason. No, I don't know but imagine it could have been.

I find it a bit sad that I even let my ex do that crap to me for so long. I put up with a lot of poor behavior from him that didn't become totally clear until I was out and no longer defending him.

I appreciate your ability to listen to other opinions and just take out what you want and disregard the rest. I know my situation isn't exactly like yours but in many ways it was, ie addictions, etc. It seems like you are a really strong woman and I'm fairly sure your going to be just fine whether or not you stay with your H or not.

charlie

Barb,

Just going to IC and dealing with these stupid anxiety attacks.  I really am sorry that your H attacked you like that.  That must have been pretty scary! You are very gracious to give him another chance.  He may use this chance wisely, who knows.  For your sake and the childrens', I hope so.  After all that I would not be able to think as straight as you are.  I think you're doing the best that you can and what you feel is right for you at this time.  And that's all that matters.

Take Care,

Carol~

Hey Charlie,

I had no idea your H hit you.  I am so sorry to hear that. It must have been just awful.  But you have guts girl and hit him right back, and harder.  I know I have been minimizing things and I am aware that it is codependent behavior.  IC is helping me there.  And Im sure, like you, when I look back at the Christmas incident I will be amazed that I stayed after that at all.

Thank you for your support and encouragement.

Carol~

Hi Carol. Actually, I think I am thinking pretty clear right now. I'm not scared of him, just shocked that he got drunk & did what he did.Actually I'm shocked that my life now revolves around dealing with him, the lies, A, & now this. I had always told him that if he ever cheated on me I'd be gone. Go figure! I am not taking any more shit from him though.Monday nite was as far as he can push things. No more A's, lies, or physical stuff.I still don't know if all of this is going to turn out to be worth it in the long run.I mean what kind of life can we end up with after all the lies,the A & then this.