I am brand new to not only this site, but to this entire situation. I've been reading the posts for the last few days and have received a tremendous amount of validation.

D-day #1 was 12/16/05 (I found cell phone records). She lives in another state. Because he travels 2-3 days a week for work, he was able to see her 1-2 times a month, but they were in constant contact. The A lasted almost 4 years. He called her and told he it was over that night, but started emailing her again a few weeks later and contact remained until D-day #2 1/18/06 (I found an email from her). He says when he said good-bye to her in December, that he reacting to me flipping out and that he hadn't processed it (4 years of an emotional as well as physical A) for himself. He says in January he ended because he wanted to end it for him and well as us.

I knew we had problems in our marriage. I knew that we had drifted very far away from each other and that communication was poor at best. I just never thought he was capable to doing that to me. I take my fair share of responsibilty for the breakdown of the marriage, but the CHOICE to have and CONTINUE an A is on HIM.

Since all the secrets have come out, we broke down the barriers and we communicate in a way we NEVER did before even before we were married 12 years ago. We have expressed to each other what we truly want in a partner and he is now giving it to me (I'm not there yet - not even close). Back in December, I always felt that he was still shutting me out (and he was), but since January, I truly believe it's over (or at least that is what I am telling myself) and that he truly wants to move forward with me and only me. The person I see before me now is much for relaxed and open with me.

My concerns are these: I believe I would like to move forward with him, but I am truly (and rightfully so) afraid. First of all, why did it taking something so horrible to get us here? Just because it is like this now, do we have what it takes to keep it this way? Am I here because I love him? Because of the kids? Because my parents divorced when I was 13 (Father had an A by the way, interesting to think about)? Am I just kidding myself? Because I don't want to admit failure? What does it say about me if I stay? What does it say if I don't? How could I be SO blind? Will my self confidence EVER return? I think what bothers most about the A is that it has shattered everthing I ever believed in.

I know that only I can answer these questions for myself and it will take a lot of time. But how long do I just sit still and watch his actions (forget words) before I believe I can allow myself to trust him? Will I ever? Right now, I can't even image it. I started seeing my own C last week. We see our MC next week.

Any thoughts?

Howdy Confused,

Welcome to the Recovery and Discovery Affair Site. I'm very sorry you had to find us however you've found a safe place along with alot of caring, sharing and wisdom from the folks here.

Hopefully the first thing this site provides new members is letting them (you) know you are not alone.

I think we all understand your questions as most of us have had them. A very dear friend gave me some of the best advice on this. "Take it one day at a time." That was my job in the early stages...to make it through each day. Its very common to look at the big picture, the future when an A is discovered but damn it can seem overwhelming. What helped me in the beginning was to simplify things and just get through today.

Once again welcome. I'm sorry you had to find us.

Regards,

Tex

"My concerns are these: I believe I would like to move forward with him, but I am truly (and rightfully so) afraid. First of all, why did it taking something so horrible to get us here? "

That's a good question. It sounds like you are healthy minded about it and don't blame yourself. His choice had nothing to do with you. You mentioned that you knew things weren't going so well but didn't make the poor choice of having an A.

"Just because it is like this now, do we have what it takes to keep it this way?"

That all depends on how hard he and you both are willing to try. Although my marriage didn't make it because my ex coudn't come clean all the way and couldn't stop lying, some WS who post here, or are married to people who post here, have come to realize the extent of pain and betrayal the BS is feeling and work hard to give their marriage a fighting chance. The only problem is that "both" partners need to work at it even if you didn't cause his poor decision. When I say that, I mean that the BS has to work hard at keeping the verbal thrashing down when it is so tempting to keep doing it. If BS's want to know everything there is about the A, they need to help the WS do that by keeping huge expressions of anger out of the equation. They won't be encouraged to talk if all they get is extreme anger.

I remember feeling the same as you back when this all happened. We attempted to make it work after ex's A for over a year and I wondered, even while it was going well, (I thought so anyway) if I should have stayed with him. It is a very tough decision either way. Some couples do make it. My sister and her H have made it work and it has been 10 years since his A's.

Charlie

Tex - Thanks for the welcome. It helps tremendously to know that others have gone through this and come out the other side.

Charlie - You are absolutely right when you say it depends on how much we BOTH are willing to work on it. I guess that's the rub. Now that I see him really trying, what's stopping me from really committing to try? My fear or is it a control issue or punishment issue? All of the above? Your advice on communication is right on. My H hates conflict and I on the other hand am very confrontational. What I have learned through this is that the more I push or attack, the more he retreats. It's been quite a learning process for both of us. I guess it's just baby steps from here.

Hi Confused

I'm sorry you had to find us. I've tried a dozen times to respond to your post and I've not been able to find the words. You sound so much like me, four years ago.

I had all the same questions - why, when, how, why is it so much better NOW, etc. The one about admitting failure really struck a chord with me. I think that's what drove me - THAT, and not letting the OW "win". I worked my ass off making things right and meeting every one of his needs. For awhile, he worked pretty hard too.

His working on it is where my marriage failed. He quit. He blamed me for not trusting him, for not believing in him, etc. etc. What he failed to factor in to the equation was that he wasn't trustworthy when he was still breaking the NC rule. He always made jabs about not being able to live under my microscope, that he couldn't feel bad forever, and that maybe we just weren't meant to be because he didn't love me like he should. The day we divorced, he said he finally knew that it wasn't me torturing him, it was his own guilt.

Your H has absolutely got to take responsibility and realize that he is going to have to help you work through this. It won't be pretty. It won't be easy, but if he's going to ask for your trust, he has to show you that he deserves it. You will have those questions - and you'll keep them until he can help you put every one of them to rest.

My parents divorced when I was 13, too - due to a string of affairs. When I started w/my therapist, she said, "THAT is why none of this looked that weird to you! You lived this, growing up." That was a big turning point for me. A good C can make all the difference in the world!

Try and keep from asking questions right now that you don't REALLY want to hear the answer to - and if you do, try not to lash out when he's honest. I'm not saying put your head in the sand, fiddle dee dee... I'm saying that you have to pick your battles right now. It's an extreme amount of "stuff" to take in, you'll tackle it when you're ready.

Another thing I struggled with is "What will everyone say if I stay?" Well, with all due respect, who cares? I thought there was something worth fighting for, worth working it out for... it was, afterall, my life. Those who love you will understand. Plus, there is always the issue of wanting to do EVERYthing to make it right - so you have no doubts either way.

Hang in there. It might help if your H read here, to see where you're coming from with all your concerns. Email me, if you'd like. The good news is... yes, you'll eventually feel better. Yes, your self-confidence will return. Yes, there IS hope!

Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

Monica - The insite your C gave you on "living this growing up" hit me. I actually see my parents marriage being the same as my own was before D-day. The similarities are striking. I guess that's what makes it even MORE freightening to me now. I keep telling myself knowledge is power and that I need to process all of it.

Charlie - One day at a time is exactly what I'm doing. The advise you've given me on communication is key!

I ask myself if I want answers to certain questions to help me fill in the pieces or if I want to beat myself up or just hurt him. I make my decision from there. Hopefully, I'm rational at that point and not just acting out. I must say that he has been willing to answer all my questions to date.

Time will tell.

wake up, i have blamed myself for far to long. Take care of home and they will not leave. Give them responsiblty. Men, get-off to easy, we always blame us. NO WAY!!! GIVE HIM TIME WITH THE CHILD! Get a back-bone ...God will still love you.

Newtothis--

I share your same concerns. My d-day was Aug 24, 2005 (the day after my 19th wedding anniversary) and includes 2 OC ages 16 & 10.

-----I believe I would like to move forward with him, but I am truly (and rightfully so) afraid.

After almost 6 months, it is different now. I would like to say better but for me it is just different. I struggle with how do I know my h is truly sorry for what he did or is he just sorry he got caught? I no longer feel intense pain daily, but I don't think a day has went by that I haven't thought about it or at least the OC. The only thing I think I can do is watch his actions. Your H seems to be doing everything you have asked and you need to recognize that and give him credit. On good days you can see the actions, but when the bad days come you can't see anything but pain.

-----Am I here because I love him? Because of the kids? Am I just kidding myself? Because I don't want to admit failure? What does it say about me if I stay? What does it say if I don't? How could I be SO blind? Will my self confidence EVER return? I think what bothers most about the A is that it has shattered everthing I ever believed in.

I feel exactly the same way, with the exception that the only thing not shattered is my belief in God. In fact, I think if I had found out before I was saved I would have already been divorced. I have said to my H I don't even know who I am anymore. Every situation is different, but one thing you MUST do is take care of yourself and take care of your children. Whether you stay or go, you have to fight against this consuming you. Something that helped me was that I decided to make myself appts to deal with it. It doesn't always work but sometimes it helps. I set a time and day when I know our d will not be home just as if I had a doctor's appt. I then remind myself, it is not time to deal with it, I must wait until my appt. It helps me to maintain control.

I don't know how to deal with how I could have been SO BLIND. People have said I had to have known. I didn't know. From time to time I suspected there may be someone else and tried to confront it only to be lied to over and over. I convinced myself that my H loved me and that he would tell me if it were true. He didn't and I had to find out for myself. My m wasn't great but it wasn't bad either. I question why has he stayed-- is he staying for our d, is he staying for financial reasons?

Anyway, I am glad you found this board. It has helped me. I wish I could be of more help to you. Just remember to take care of yourself and your children.

It can get better. It is very hard though. I don't know if it ever goes away totally though. I don't think I will ever totally trust my H, but things are so much better. You have to work through it together.