I would like to know how all of you handle "triggers". Reminders of the A.

Example, my H used to call the OW "baby". Now everytime I hear the word "baby", I find myself being sucked into a dark hole and have to work very hard to overcome it. Any idea how many songs have the word "baby" in them? It's mind boggling.

Any suggesstions?

Diane

Diane, I am not sure that there is any one way to handle triggers...for me it has been time and in 3 yrs we can now joke about a certain trigger I have about a car model ...When we rent a car traveling ..my H now jokes that we will get X car...but he makes sure that we don't...

My H called OW sweetheart...he calls me Pat, that trigger is a name...I call my dog sweetheart...she is a big rottweiler...and she my girl, and I don't think about that trigger.

Baby for you is a negative connotation...try to find some positive things about the word...take ownership of the word...so when you hear it it has a different meaning to you...

Not sure I was any help sorry...

pat

I think the first step is recognizing it for what it is. I'm triggering. Then decide whether you want to face it or avoid it as best you can.

On the good side...he didn't come up with something more original and special for her. "Baby" really is kinda generic.

Pat said<<<I call my dog sweetheart...she is a big rottweiler...and she my girl>>>

Same here Pat...she's my "baby girl" and she knows it too. Diane, you can focus on my rottie now when the word comes up or imagine that's how the OW looked. Whatever it takes...you decide.

Regards,

Tex

Close to 8 years ago, a member of the now defunct Peggy's board had the name of our OW... I had prob posting to her, just because of her name... I shared with her the trigger - she even went so far as to suggest she would change her loggin name.... It is when I realised I had to get 'over it'... it was just a name after all and altho she shared the same name as OW she was NOT her...

For me - and I am sorry if I repeat myself lol - for me triggers are 'echo of the past'... as some 'things' trigger good and positive memories which put a warm smile in your heart.. others will put a negative and painful memory in the fore front of our mind... it is the way we handle the positive and negative triggers which is of value here. Neither one can hurt us in the NOW. And since none of us are masochists we prefer to dwell on the good and positive memories... but there are still and always will be "echos of the past".

And as you walk you make your path Kat

<<<Baby for you is a negative connotation...try to find some positive things about the word...take ownership of the word...so when you hear it it has a different meaning to you...>>>


Pat,

I don't know if it will help Diane, but I like your suggestion of taking ownership of the word so when you hear it it has a different meaning. I find myself dealing with a lot of triggers and not too successfully I might add. This is something I might be able to gain control of rather than those triggers getting to me and gaining control of my thoughts.

Angela

What worked for me was intellectualizing it to death.

Whenever I would get a trigger, I would stop and analyze it... Why is this triggering me, how come I'm feeling it now, how is this related to OM, etc. etc. ad nauseum..

By turning it into an intellectual exercise, it helped to drastically reduce the emotional part of it.

It didn't stop the triggers, but it helped me deal better with them when they came up.

The end result of doing this was what Kat wrote. You come to the realization that it's something that happened in the PAST, there's nothing you can do about it NOW except deal with it as best you can.

I've been told I can talk anyone to death. I don't know about that, but I certainly became good at talking those triggers to death...

Cory

You are not a human being having a spiritual experience, but a spiritual being having a human experience.

You guys are great. You have given me a lot to work with.

I love taking ownership of it and not letting it control me. Remembering and accepting that it is in the past is key. But for now, I think picturing your dogs is what I'm going to start with! That actually makes me laugh!

It's wierd but the biggest personal trigger for me was a certain restaurant chain. I found a receipt that H had taken OW out to dinner there. Mind you he took her to a totally different location than we ever go to but for the longest time I would not eat at that chain even though I had previously really enjoyed it. At some point it just clicked in my head that I was punishing myself and letting OW control part of my life. H and I have started eating there again and now I get a perverse satisfaction in having an enjoyable dinner there with my H knowing that OW "lost" and is out of the picture. I know it's not the healthiest or most grown up attitude but it's worked for me!

Going to restaurants that H and OW went to is taking ownership of the trigger..I have done that too enjoy and don't let the OW cloud your life or give her power to destroy things that you like.
Don't let the triggers control you...you need to take ownership of them....

pat

Triggers...I just had to respond because this very situation arose this weekend.

To make a long story short-we can buy out my H's company vehicles. The one he has now is 'up' and his brother was going to buy it. BUT this is the vehicle that he drove the OW in..they went on 'roadtrips' in it (he would take her on his business trips--don't even get me started), they would meet for coffee and sit in his car etc. So, since d-day I have not even sat in the vehicle. It is a trigger for me and the only good thing out of it now, is that when I see it, I know he is home. But the vehicle can't come fast enough. So when I heard that he brother was buying it I flipped. I explained to H how I felt, why I felt that way and how I would feel having to see this vehicle for however many years into the future. H called his brother and told him he couldn't buy the van.

Now I KNOW that it is just an object -- but I believe it will always be a trigger for me. So it is gone as of this afternoon--he gets the new car today.

I would have liked to be able to sit in his car and NOT think about the OW, but I couldn't--we're two mths past d-day and it's still far too fresh and we had the opportunity to remove that trigger from our life-permanently.

Having said that, it is not practical to remove everything from our life that is a trigger (heck our WS is a trigger!). I have to say that I like the advice of 'owning' the trigger. The OP cannot win out on our enjoyment of life and where possible, owning the trigger makes sense to me.

Lola

Triggers Huh-

I wish I could own my triggers, I suppose that is my choice to do, and for the most partI think I have been successful. However, I have a couple that I just can't shake off. I bank at the bank that little miss big butt works, not the same branch thank heavens!!! But every time I make a deposit or write a business check, I kinda just cringe alittle. Also, I used to like Rascal Flatts, till I discovered that the Broken Road song was their song (Gag wretch, puke!). Still when ever that song comes up-My face literally gets red and I start to sweat and I get nervous and on edge. I have to get away from it. If it comes up, I must turn it off. It is a physical reflex (fight or flight-I choose flight every time).I have tried to face that trigger and keep the song on, or even turn it back to me, because through all this we are still together, and we found each other, but it's not working. It's like its no big deal, just some words sung by a person, and it seems silly that can't just get over that one, but it is a hurdle that I just can't seem to jump over. I am waiting patiently for that song to just go away........

Jess, the song will become less played...
my big triggers are a white car, pearls, birthday,( mine) and anniversary...

the car I can joke about but waiting for a new body style LOL...but it is a trigger, pearls because before he started A I told him I would love a real pearl necklace...for Christmas...no pearls for me.that christmas or. the following Christmas then I got a bedspread she got a coin necklace, she got the real pearls for valentines Day...I got red roses his sec. ordered...he went out and bought OW yellow roses because that is what she liked...now I am working on black pearls, and I will buy my own LOL when I see the ones I want...have been looking for 3 years...not actively ...but someday I will have my pearls >
I didn't like to be with my H for my Birthday, because he bought the OW a car on that day...I got nothing not even a card...anniversary he bought me some wine glasses he found on a business trip to Europe...bought the same ones for OW...I donated mine to charity...

A wise lady told me I needed to own my birthday last year...and I did..now it is MY day. and I can enjoy it again...the anniversary is hard...but we do go out to dinner the night before...and that has been a big help...

You do what you can do...but look at the song, you liked it before you knew about A...it is your song...OW bought my H ..CD"s...some I liked some I didn't ...but when I found out she gave them to him, they were in the trash ...H can not even tell me what was on the CD's.

pat

Jess -
My H would listen to two songs from MY all time favorite band with the OW. I know it sounds stupid, but that hurt deeply. I made up my mind that I wasn't about to let that have control over me. The first thing I did was have him sing the lyrics to me and dance with me (after a lot of wine. lol). It did hurt at first, but I took the pain and turned it around. Now if I start to cringe with the painful trigger, I immediately replace it with the positive one.

Tex and Pat - I have started calling my own dog "Baby". Note, I only did this after I made sure it wasn't a "Trigger" for my H.

I'm learning more day by day.

Diane,

You are doing great >

I was trying to post a small picture of my baby. but not sure how the photo thing works LOL
Take care,

Pat