I just found out on Saturday. I am numb with the enormity of all of this. She knows I know and won't talk to me. This is a friend that I talked to every day sometimes 2-3 times a day and she and my husband apparently have been involved for over 7 months. I don't want to tell her husband (he will not react safely I don't think) because I don't want him to hurt my family any more than we are. My children know something is up but not what it is. Ironically, if it were not my friend, she would be the first person I would call....

I want to scream at her. I want her to apologize. I want my husband to see what a liar she is. I don't want him to live with us anymore. I am going to lose all the way around. We can't afford to get divorced but i can't afford to stay married to him emotionally now.

Any suggestions as to how to either avoid her, confront her or just mourn the relationship would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for listening.

God!, I am so sorry for you. I know how you must be feeling. I found out 5 months ago about my H ONS so he says and i am still devastated. And this was with someone we didn't know so i can only guess how bad this is for you. Knowing the OW would be worse and then her being my so called best friend would really be awful.
As far as confronting her , i don't know what to say , i am still struggling with that myself.but you know this woman, i don't think i could stop myself from talking to her.
You have to decide if you still love your H and if you want to save the marriage.It is a hard thing to do once you have trusted someone with all your heart and they break it all to pieces.But do what is in your heart. We are trying, we see a MC once a week, he really is trying to make up for what he did. but i still have alot of trust issues.I still love my H so i think it is worth trying to save but it hurts like hell sometime!!
I am truely sorry you had to fine this site but it is a great comfort, it has been for me!!!
If i can help please let me know . We are all in the same place here.

Kathy

Becki:
You sure are between a rock and a hard place! I feel so badly for you!
There are no easy answers to this one. On one hand you miss your friend and I bet she misses you too. On the other hand you want to scream at her and she feels so badly that she won't even talk to you. You can try saying "we need to talk or this will just get worse", or you can ignore her. Depends on how hurt you are. I won't even mention the H right now! Hang in there! Steve

Hi Becki! Sorry that you are having to go thru all of this. There are some great people on this site. I know how much it hurts. It still hurts everday for me, but it will get better little by little.It's hard to know that the person that you love & trust is capable of making such a bad choice. Just know that what he did is not about you. It's not your fault. It's a dumb, selfish choice that your H made. How did you find out? I don't think you mentioned it in your post. What has your H said? Hang in there & talk to us as much as you need to. You are not alone. This group of people is what is getting me thru all of this as I have no family or friends.Take care.

Becki,

It amazes me to NO END when I read stories about family or friends being the OP. It doesn't get much lower than that. Wow, with friends like her, who needs enemies?

My only advice is to try and give it some time, don't make any rash decisions now. Is your husband helping or hurting you? Is he remorseful?

Keep posting, we're here to listen and help.

Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

Hi Becki


We are all here for you, we have all been there. You will find amazingly how similar feelings, emotions, situations are of people from all over the place. My particular situation also deals with an "family friend". And yes, as Monica stated, it doesn't get much lower than that. I think that ANY A is horrendous, but having to put a face on the OP and having a history with the OP just adds another layer of hurt to deal with. The pain meter just gets dialed up higher. I personally would prefer the OP to be a bundle of skin shaped like a person with a blank oval over their face. But that is just me.

You would think that people would have common sense to say on their side of the line, but as we have all found out, some people are line challenged. I, laughingly use the word fortunate, have the fortunate situation of having family members keeping me and my H away from her. They seem to understand the pain level and are willing to put their efforts into me and my H, not her. My H now has to ask at events if she will be there, because if she is, we won't. The OP is a family friend of HIS, not mine, and my inlaws are being very cooperative. We had an event this weekend, the Daytona, and I was told that her presence is something that I never have to worry about. I think her actions have kinda shunned her, which pleases me greatly. It just adds another struggle though.

Don't make any permanent decisions right now. Let the pieces fall, think rationally. This is your life and you need to steer it calmly. I know what a emotional nuclear bomb this is, probably physical too. Your whole world has been pulled out from under you. We all know it. But there will come a time where you can begin to purge the emotions for alittle bit and make your decisions on what you want, based on facts and feelings on a stable level, not the ricochet emotions that are running crazy now......

Jess

Hi Becki,

I am almost five months into the discovery that my wife had a year long affair with my closest friend - our next door neighbor - while I was living overseas, earning a living for my family. My children absolutely adored him. They grew up with his kids of the same age for almost 7 years. He taught them how to ride bicycles and motorcycles, played with them, took them on outings, and we all vacationed together. We were as close as you could get. He was my good friend, or so I thought. She just got closer while I was gone. He was in a lifeless marriage, she had built-up resentment of me over the years...they were both weak and took advantage of each other for their own needs. They confessed their mutual attaction for each other one night, then next time together, got drunk and made the ultimate stupid choice and crossed the line. Once the hard part was over and the stupid decision had been made, that led into a home delivered sex fantasy for him, and a love "fog" fantasy for her until his guilt finally got the better of him after about a year. I found out after I returned home when my wife was acting suspicious with a chat buddy - sharing intimate secrets (and other things)...an online affair - and she left up a chat window where she boasted about her affair with him.

I won't go into the roller coaster ride it has been since then, but suffice it to say that yes, there are folks here who know exactly what you are going through. It's horrible, disrespectful, mean, stupid, thoughtless, inconsiderate, frightening, disillusioning, depressing...no better word than "devastating". Especially coming from someone who was supposed to love you, and from another who was supposed to be your friend. A double betrayal is nothing short of cruel. It has rocked your world in a way that is impossible to describe, and the pain is something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Your spouse will never, ever know what this pain feels like, no matter how much they think they can. Your head is spinning with emotions...you don't know whether to be pissed, sad, shocked...but you're all of those at the same time, and you can't stop crying and feeling like you've lost the only thing in your life that you were sure you'd never lose. You have a long way to go to even come close to understanding the whys and hows, and you even feel like you'd rather die than be in this much pain.

Just know that the pain will be this intense for a long time, as you seek to understand and you get more information. A lot will depend on how your husband reacts and behaves. But you MUST do a few things no matter what you think your heart, head and body are saying to you...

You must eat and try to sleep, no matter how difficult those things are to do right now. I lost at least 20 lbs in only a couple weeks, but I was at least able to take vitamin supplements to help keep me healthier than I would have been without. If you make yourself sick, the emotional pain will only be enhanced by the physical maladies, and both will get worse. You can't do that to yourself, if for nothing else but to stay strong for your children.

Get counselling immediately...individual AND marriage counselling. You can't deal with this yourself. Don't tell the children - no matter what - and tell as few people as possible at this stage, other than your closest confidantes or family. You may regret who knows about it later on. Just consider that. My wife told several people in our community who were her friends, but our mutual friends, and that made it worse. I am uncomfortable around them still, and probably will be for a long time, if not forever.

Don't make any rash decisions regarding your relationship until you can clear some of the demons from your head. Right now, it feels like that will never happen...that you will never be stable again. Truth is, you won't for a long while, but you will eventually...gradually start to think more clearly and won't feel so totally consumed with the images and questions running through your mind right now. Believe it or not, this is a true fact, no matter how impossible that is to fathom right now.

Don't confront the other woman...especially right now when you can't control your emotions. Do not give her the satisfaction or the power. Stay strong in this regard until you can make a rational choice as to how to deal with it...with her...with THEM. Don't tell her husband right now either. You're right...there's no telling how he will react, especially if he hears it from you in the state you're in right now.

Finally, keep posting here. Let it all out...everything you're thinking and feeling...especially if you have nobody else to talk to about it. The people on this site know this pain all too well, and many have worked through it and are here because they know that they can help you the same way they were helped by others, and sincerely care about you and what you are going through. You will have a thousand questions, another thousand emotions, and you will even wonder why you're thinking some of the thoughts you'll have. There won't be a single thing you can say that will surprise anyone who has experienced this devastation...this torture. Let it out, and really listen to the advice these good people can give you. I promise it will help you survive this ordeal.

I know this sounds impossible, but stay as strong as you possibly can...for your children, and for yourself. Know that his stupid decision was his and his alone, and no matter what, don't even contemplate blaming yourself for his foolish, disrespectful act. I promise that you will eventually understand this and know it to be true, so don't waste your time and energy on that.

I'm so sorry that you have been hurt like this. Please take care.

Nice post Bob. I'll bet a few months ago you never thought you'd be posting one like it, did you?

charlie

Wow, no kidding Charlie. What with my father passing away two days before my D-day, I didn't think there was any way I would ever be able to function in the real world again during the first four to six weeks. The support that everyone has given me here has truly been a life saver. After five months since discovery, I know I will survive this regardless of the outcome of my marriage, whatever that may be. It can work that way for Becki as well.

Hang in there Becki! Keep posting...let it out and keep reaching for help.