Things are getting better but i still get so depressed somedays.I hurt so bad that there are days i don't feel like getting out of my house or talking to anyone. I still have a hard time laughing and just being able to have a good time. My H seems to me like he is fine and over it. and that makes me so angry!!! He did it so why am i still the one hurting not him!!!We still see a MC and when we are there he shows emotion but not when we are home alone, that is when i need for him to show it .Right now i still need him to show me that he is sorry. He always says the right things but he doesn't show them. I feel he things he is in he clear because we never did split up. He has always still lived here and i still have taken care of him like i have for 25 years. He seems like he has just gotten complacence with the whole thing. What can i do . I have told him how i fell and he says he will do better but it never happens. He is comfortable with everything. Don't get me wrong i want things to be comfortalbe again but i still have alot of healing to do. Thanks for letting me vent!

Kathy

I can totally relate to your feelings. For a very long time I felt like letting my H stay in our marriage was allowing him to "have his cake and eat it too". I felt like my world was ripped apart while the only real ramification to his life was that he had to stop seeing his lover. I also felt like I was betraying myself for allowing him to stay - saying to myself "what self respecting woman would allow such a man in her life" or "what a fool I am for staying with him". But then, slowly, I started to realize that there are more people than I ever dreamed in exactly my same situation and that everyone has to make decisions for their future based on their own feelings. My H has never been big on showing his emotions (other than lust), and that hasn't changed through this process. But he has started to understand that talking about the situation when I feel the need really helps, and when he answers my questions patiently and honestly that makes me feel good. I have also come to see that my H lost something very important - his own self respect, and my trust. I have started being able to empathize with that and can only imagine how awful it must be to have to look yourself in the mirror everyday with the realization that you did something so horrible to someone you love so much. Granted, it would have been better if he those feeling when he first started the affair but better late than never. I don't know if this helps you any, but please know that you're not alone in your feelings.

Kathy, I read your post and was trying to compose something to help you, because I feel the same way. I have forgiven my H, we try to move on positively, but it seems that on our end of this debacle that there are unfinished, lingering problems. Things that appear to be left for us alone to deal with. Things we NEVER asked for or wanted. The doubt, that lingering pang in your heart, the replaying of things in your head, questions, you know the routine....

I could not in my lifetime write a better post than the one prior to mine. (Disbelieving). That post summed up everything, at least to me, what my mind pattern is right now. I hope it helps you too. I can hear it in my H's voice when he tells me he loves me. There is a little hint of shame in that statement. I don't bring the A up much, if ever, only when things start to build up. I, we, want to move forward. When I start to feel down, I think about how he sees himself. Yes, he does have to look at himself every day, and know that he loves me so much, and is the only one that can hurt me as bad as he did. If it came down to having to choose which part you had to play in this, I would take my part. Trying to earn back trust, the respect of your H/W and your own self-respect in the midst of an emotional fireworks display is a tough, long task. Add to that owning that you did this knowingly to yourself and someone you love. He made a horrible choice. My H has a heavy piece of baggage to carry around, and I a heavy heart that is slowly, slowly getting lighter....

Jess

Kathy -

I agree with what everyone else has said. As a matter of fact, I was just focused on this part of things this morning.

My husband had been seeming kind of distant and stressed out by my neediness. I did some long hard thinking and decided to back off and take care of myself a little more. Within a couple of days - just this morning - he called me on his way to work and was telling me that he is having a hard time forgiving himself completely and dealing with what he's done. That he wants to accept my forgiveness and God's forgiveness, but that he knows he has to also deal with the consequences of his actions (my hurt, fear, etc.) and sometimes doesn't know how to do both at the same time. I don't think he would have shared that with me if I hadn't backed off on my emotional demands.

Now - do I have every right to expect a lot out of him right now? YES! But, sometimes in relationships we have to give up our rights for the other person. Is that the hardest thing in the world to do after you've been so wronged? HELL YES! But every time I do that, it works. Everytime I give him a little breathing room and rest from my neediness (even if it's his fault I feel needy) he opens up a little and we have more meaningful discussion.

We can expect a lot from our spouse, and we should. But, we also have to think of their pain. Especially if they are remorseful and trying to do things to make the marriage work. They may not always do the things we would do, but if they are making an effort, we need to try to give credit where credit is due.

Unfortunately, there is an extent to which we have to deal with our own pain. We are forced into a place where we must grow as people or be miserable. It's a hard, hard road - but that's where we find ourselves. Every day is a struggle for me still (6 months out) but I keep making the choice to grow through this.