Hi Everybody,

Thank you for being my "secret" touchstone during this major upheaval. You all are wonderful and I hope I can return the favor and be as supportive of you. My D-Day was about a week before Christmas 05. Smack in the middle of the roller coaster though the highs have been less high lately. Frankly, I'm not doing very well right now.

My H had a three month affair with the singer in his band. As kind of a nasty twist she is movie star gorgeous. Without going into too much detail, prior to this he has been a wonderful husband for 8 years. He worked three jobs so I could stay home with our son (4) and was devoted to us. After some counseling (we're doing his, hers and ours..thank God for insurance..) we figured out that one likely cause of the affair was (shock) too much work and not enough family time. You all know the drill - nothing excuses it. And we're all human. I've made serious mistakes when I was younger and I can understand human failings. My H is doing everything he can to help heal our marriage. The singer is out of the band but still in town. The band is not just a hobby but a much needed source of significant income. He's cut back his schedule alot but still needs to perform some - about twice a month. Mostly corporate and weddings. Very occasionally a club.

So though he's trying to do everything right - I am, of course, absolutely devastated and mad and trying like crazy to stay hopeful. I made a major mistake and rode out the first month in a half on some over the counter cold medicine. It numbed me enough so I could carry on but now that I'm off it - my feelings are all over the place. I know the cold medicine thing sounds strange but, I learned a thing or two from the high school students I used to teach and OTC drugs are very abusable and addicting. I was, prior to this, 15 years sober.

So, my husband is having a hard time with my distrust and anger and sadness. I feel like all that is adding insult to injury and it's all I can do to stop myself from screaming at him regularly. This morning, he was actually mad at me for falling apart last night. I did yell at him becasue he DOES NOT understand the importance of regular reassurance about how he feels about me an how I look. He says "he'll work on it". I think all the woman out there can understand how painful that kind of comment can be.

There's so much more but it's all variations of the same pain we've all been through. I feel just like Lore in I'm hoping for hope.

Thanks for listening.

On the run
No, staying put
Pretty happy
No, horribly sad
Looking hopefully to the future...

Hi,

Happy to read that you are no longer on OTC meds...

You need to realize that this is not about you.. this was about your H....his needs, what was missing for him.....
my H needed the adoration of OW...the being told he was wonderful...it was about him...He didn't hear me...

Have you checked out the dear peggy.com site she has so much information there to help your H understand what has happened to you...there are also some great books you can read...and RW has them listed...check out the list...

sorry this is short but just wanted to respond...

Pat

Howdy Onroute,

Welcome to the club nobody wanted to join. I'm glad we've been secretly helpful to you. I think most folks lurk for awhile before they feel comfortable enough to post.

<<<So, my husband is having a hard time with my distrust and anger and sadness. I feel like all that is adding insult to injury and it's all I can do to stop myself from screaming at him regularly. This morning, he was actually mad at me for falling apart last night.>>>

What would be his suggestion if the situation was reversed? What would he need you to do and say?

He's the one that's being offered a gift here, not you.

At the same time it must be so difficult to know you caused that hurt you see in your loved ones eyes everyday. Not to mention the shame.

Whatever the reason he had an A he gave himself permission to do it. Why? That's really the bottom question.

Emotions obviously are going to be high, nerves frayed, outbursts of frustration from both parties but whatever the case keep the lines of communication open. Keep talking...and keep listening to each other.

Make sure your MC knows your H is having a hard time with certain things. Perhaps she can offer some suggestions to deal with it because its going to happen.

Once again...welcome.

Regards,

Tex

Thank you for all your kind words and good wishes. I very much appreciate the Dear Peggy referral. Right now I'm struggling with the nuts and bolts of WHY this happened - as you said Tex. And the fact that I have to somehow strike a balance between expressing my feelings and "managing" the relationship. That is - talk about all the hard stuff in a way that my H can hear it instead of blasting him like a torpedo with my anger. And THAT feels unfair, frankly. It also feels like a big, fat burden on top of all the other things to deal with.

Thank you for listening..

On the run
No, staying put
Pretty happy
No, horribly sad
Looking hopefully to the future...

I know EXACTLY how you feel about having to monitor yourself in how you communicate with your husband. My H is a "conflict-avoider". I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite which led to a lot of our problems to begin with. Meaning - whenever I started getting ramped up, he shut down. I came to the conclusion (along with the help of our MC) that if I wanted him to open up, I had to be less "threatning". (I choked on that one, too - he was the one who had the A, not to mention my H is almost twice my size.) Believe me, the idea did not sit well with me, but I have to say that it did work. Don't get me wrong, I'll still yell, but it's when I want to punish him, not get answers.

There are a lot of wonderful people here with some great advise. I hope it helps.

Diane

Thanks so much Diane. My IC was just helping me to deal with the exact situation that is happening rather than backtracking to the affair. He says that just triggers H's shame and then anger. Still feels like "managing" the relationship to me and then the question is - how the heck am I supposed to be 'real' with my feelings? Am I just supposed to mildly say ' I'm furious with you..lets have a cup of coffee and discuss it ?' Your technique seems healthy to me. Especially the part of not having any expectation of solution when you are really yelling.

Thanks again

On the run
No, staying put
Pretty happy
No, horribly sad
Looking hopefully to the future...

Hi OnRoute-

Hope you are doing better. My D-Day was January 1. Never is a good time for one of these.

Thank you for your support. Keep your head up. This is an opportunity to show yourself how strong you can be. You didn't ask for it. It is not about you. He and everyone around you will react to your strength and dignity.

Play your hand and not his.

Good luck to you. I will be around.

Jay.