How, exactly am I supposed to keep it together when my WS is taking up all the long suffering, victimized, hurt space in our house?! Leaving me to be what...upbeat, optimistic and supportive for our 4 year old? I have no idea how to manage all this.
Taxes, job etc all these pressures I've accepted as part of the day in day out that stresses him out. I know it's the way he takes care of us and is his contribution. I try to do my part and keep everything running on some kind of routine and not dissolving into a puddle over every "trigger". BUT when he complains about the time counseling takes I just want to ring his neck. I calmly said it hurts me and makes me mad when he says that so, he retreats into his "I won't say anything then". This is standard conversation shut down mode. In a full blown arguement he will say "I can't talk to you".
Help! How do I get out of this cycle? I'm clueless. I feel like I need a vacation so I don't have to keep working so hard. Pardon the pity party but..when do I get reassurance? Therapy Smerapy. I wouldn't care if he wrote it on cue cards and flashed it at me. Card #1 " let me count the ways I love you.... Card #2 "wow, this is a great dinner!" ...
I've asked, pleaded, emailed, railed, discussed, disclosed and negotiated in therapy. Still, he can't seem to reassure me. Says "he's not good at it".
Alright. Taking all help I can get. Thanks Good People.
On the run
No, staying put
Pretty happy
No, horribly sad
Looking hopefully to the future...
Your H sounds a lot like mine. We have our own business and H's time is limited and he would get made about going to MC as well. We went a total of 4 times, and H said he had better thing to do with his time. Not much of an investment in the relationship if you ask me. So one day he goes to MC and declares "I have no issues in the marriage and I am not going to MC anymore. The bottom line is that my business comes first and she can take it or leave it". Boy did that throw me for a loop! Basically, this was a way to avoid the real issues, so he didnt have to look deep inside of himself and figure out why he had the A. He just couldnt go there so he got out of it. Maybe your H and mine need to go to IC first. It certainly couldnt hurt. Maybe he will feel safer looking inside of himself without you there. Just a thought.
My H is resentful that he has to try to fix anything, especially himself. Well, too bad! He did this not me!Dont back down. My H avoids and leaves too, when he happens to be around, which is rare. But you have to keep on pushing. But if push comes to shove, you gotta do what you gotta do. I am working up to that! I am getting stronger and sticking up for myself too. Why should we be the ones to hold everything together when they are the ones who created this mess? Well, it is both of our jobs...we are a couple...it is time for him to be accountable and do his fair share around here whether he likes it or not. Many times we enable the behavior by just letting it go.....we think we are being "understanding of their needs". He is certainly not being understanding of your needs if he just walks away and refuses to talk about things. I have always let it go and let him have his "space" and where did it get me? Cheated on, that's where! Nope....I am not playing that game anymore.
If your H is truly remorseful and wants the marriage to work he will do whatever it takes, including therapy and without complaint, even if it's hard to find teh time. He had time for an A didnt he? Well, he certainly can find time for therapy. Sorry to be so blunt but sometimes we all need a little "tough love" to get our behinds in gear.
<<<How, exactly am I supposed to keep it together >>>
What is "it" exactly?
If its you then its up to you. If its the marriage then you can't by yourself. You can stay married in name etc...but... If its being a single mom well...they are alot of single parents out there raising some damn good kids. Chris, Charlie, R.W., and Xena come to mind on that one.
Remember no-one can read read your mind. I think one of the biggest mistakes someone can make is speak in "general terms". What "specific" things do you need him to do to show his love and reassure you?
Obviously you can't force him. He'll either do it or he won't. Then its up to you to decide whether you can live with it or not.
<<<BUT when he complains about the time counseling takes I just want to ring his neck.>>>
What exactly does it take time away from?
<<<I've asked, pleaded, emailed, railed, discussed, disclosed and negotiated in therapy. Still, he can't seem to reassure me. Says "he's not good at it". >>>
As Dr Phil says..."How's that working for ya?" Time to try something else. What WOULD work for him...and for you?
Regards,
Tex
This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Mar 21, 2006 2:53 PM
"We went a total of 4 times, and H said he had better thing to do with his time. Not much of an investment in the relationship if you ask me. So one day he goes to MC and declares "I have no issues in the marriage and I am not going to MC anymore."
Ah Carol, my ex said the exact same things and something I want to point out is that both of them have addictions. So what happens when they go to counseling is that they keep hearing what they shouldn't do, what they are doing wrong, yet they are being fed by an addiction that gives them what they want so they find their strength in that addiction and deny, deny, deny, that there is a problem That is basically what it came down to when ex and I decided to D. He was done with marriage counseling because he kept hearing things he didn't want to hear from the counselors and also didn't want to change those things. Just think of all the time they found for the OW's though. My ex was also a work-o-holic and he still found plenty of time to go sleep with OW in a hotel room and even at work. He had plenty of time for counseling just like he took time for his A, so one of his many justifications was to say he didn't have time for it or didn't have a problem. What else could he say? I can't think of any other excuse that would sound logical although the ones they come up with aren't good either. Maybe they could say, I just don't want to go because I don't want to admit my problems and don't give a shit about my marriage. Some of what you've described sort of sounds like your H did say something similar to that, I think. Maybe that would have been better than lying because at least you know where you stand Carol the big thing here is that if he wanted the marriage badly enough, he would go regardless of not having time.
"so he didnt have to look deep inside of himself and figure out why he had the A. He just couldnt go there so he got out of it. Maybe your H and mine need to go to IC first. It certainly couldnt hurt."
No, couldn't hurt but why would he have time to go to IC if there was no time for marriage counseling? When my H came back into the house after his A and agreed to a list of things I needed from him to make our marriage work, he had agreed to go to IC for himself. After several months of him talking to the IC, she asks me to come in and I find out that he never even told her the biggest reason he was there. She knew nothing about his porn addiction, binge drinking, etc. All he told her was that he had an A and was very remorseful for it. What it all came down to for him was that he was too embarrassed to let it all out so just discussed what bothered HIM in our marriage or blamed his A for our problems alone. What he was ignoring was that fact that I reacted in negative ways that he was unhappy with BECAUSE of his addiction and A's, of course.
What I'm getting at Carol is that I would guess that it is unlikely that your H will go to IC if he won't even go to MC. In his mind, why should he?
charlie wrote >>Ah Carol, my ex said the exact same things and something I want to point out is that both of them have addictions<<
Count me in. I'm having a deja vu too. I heard the same thing from my X (who also happens to be an addict) - "I don't need therapy. I'm fine. You're the one with the problem". That went on for the better part of three years. She responded in the same way to questions from my attorney. Six months later, when she realized she would probably lose custody, she got into rehab.
>>Well Q, in some insane sort of way they were right, it WAS our problem<<
Absolutely. It just took me some time to figure out what "my problem" really was. In the same way, I remember being pretty irritated when a marriage counselor told us that "infidelity is not the problem ... it is a symptom" because, for me, infidelity was most definitely a Very Big Problem. But in the same "insane sort of way" the counselor was absolutely right - addiction and infidelity go together like biscuits and gravy.
Carol the big thing here is that if he wanted the marriage badly enough, he would go regardless of not having time.
they were right, it WAS our problem<<