H got home from doing a small job at the coast. He was gone for 3 days. I decided to talk with him about how I have been feeling lately.I told him that I care about him but right now I just don't feel like I love him that much. I know you guys are probably thinking that it was a cruel thing to say but honestly that is how I am feeling right now. I told him that I am afraid that if we can't work on our relationship soon, that it will be too late & there will be no feelings left at all. He has to work about 18 hrs. a day so we never see each other. I told him that since I'm not crying all the time now, I've been able to think more clearly. Today something really big dawned on me: I would not have let a friend treat me the way he did- lying to me 4 or 5 times a day for 12 months. I would have dropped that friend in a minute. Yet, I am still with my H, the man who should have respected me & loved me enough to be honest & faithful.I told him that to.I told him that it really bothers me that I still don't have the letter from him that I asked for for christmas.I told him that I wonder if he will ever treat me like a girlfriend(someone that he is working hard to keep). He gave me his usual answer:"things will get better soon". Well, I have no idea how long it will take him to find a job with normal hrs. In the meantime I am alone all the time.We can't work on our relationship because he's never here.I just wonder how long I will have to wait?I also wonder if he will actually work hard to win me back even when he does have the time.I guess I have nothing better to do but wait & see.
<<In the meantime I am alone all the time.We can't work on our relationship because he's never here.I just wonder how long I will have to wait?I also wonder if he will actually work hard to win me back even when he does have the time.I guess I have nothing better to do but wait & see>>
Barb, this is exactly how I feel most of the time. I am always alone and he is always working. H has no time to work on the relationship. Ande even if he did have the time I am not sure anything would be any different. H is so set in his ways and such a workaholic I really dont think he even thinks about it. That's all I seem to think about. What else is there to do when you have to wait up all night, every night, alone? Wish I had some answers for you. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.....Carol~
Barbara
I am going to say that based on what you have written in the past your H is trying to be there for you...he is not perfect but he appears to be trying. You mentioned he lost his job...and went seeking a job to keep your home...He calls you brings you flowers takes you to the movies...works 18 hrs some days...looks to me as if he cares...Barbara he is not perfect...but based on what you have posted he loves you...pleas go back and reread what you have written in the past...look at his actions...yes he hasn't written you a letter...but he may not know what to say...and there fore says nothing...I am not trying to defend him but maybe look at his actions as loving and that he may be doing all he is able to do right now.
There are many different ways of communicating how you feel, and I too can "see" the way your H feels about you by looking at his actions... I can see it, because I'm the same way. I'm not big on verbal expressions of love, nor of written ones. With the depth of love I feel for my W, words can't be found to express them. So instead, I try to SHOW it.
Matter of fact, this was a contributing factor to my W's affair. Because I didn't SAY, "I love you", and she didn't recognize the non-verbal ways I was expressing it, she simply thought (because of severe self esteem issues) that I simply didn't love her. Matter of fact, she thought that if I found out about the affair, that I wouldn't care!
Um, WRONG!! LOL
When we speak here of Open & Honest Communication, part of that is learning how the other person expresses themself. It isn't always how YOU would express yourself, but that's what makes life so interesting...
Cory
Some things in life are problems. Most are inconveniences. Knowing the difference is wisdom.
He says "I love You" but it doesn't mean much to me because he said it the whole time he was having the A & lying.I just don't understand why when I tell him the things that I need to help heal(like the letter), he won't do those things.Seems to me that since he was the one who had the A, he should be willing to do most anything to fix it.
Carol, I am sorry that you are lonely too. I don't even wait up for Terry. He didn't get home till 4am this morning.I just basically realize that he's not around & we can't work on the relationship because we don't even see each other.
Pat,I understand what you are saying but because of the fact that he hasn't done the things that I've told him that I need, I don't feel loved.
This message has been edited by Barbarapat on Apr 3, 2006 10:25 AM
I think I understand you. Recovery is HARD. Every little 'things' are put under the microscope and over-analysed.
Look at the facts, Barb. Your H works 18 hrs - and I am sure he would prefer not to. As a man, a provider he is dancing as fast as he can and must feel he is not going anywhere. As a working woman you know how that feels. He could have taken the easy way out... just leave.. and he did not.
What I am trying to convey albeit badly is give the man a break. Difficult times call for difficult actions.
How can I say that to you you may ask??? For 5 1/2 years my H would leave on Monday morning and come back on Friday evening....so I know what sacrifices are. Did I like it.... hell no... but it was his job, his carreer, our livelyhood.
Barb, at times we need to look, really look with a detached attitude, and if you 'feel' he is not doing what needs to be done to survive the everyday travail, to keep the family together then talk with him, express what you see, ask him what he see.... you may be surprised by the answers.
Hi Kat!You're right. I know he is doing the best that he can.I know sometimes we just have to make the best of a situation.Ten years ago he came to Eugene because of a job promotion & the kids & I stayed in Tacoma WA for a year waiting for our house to sell. He would drive from Eugene Or to Tacoma(5 hr.drive) every friday nite & then drive back to Eugene on sunday afternoons. That's all we saw of him for a year.It was easier to handle then because I knew we loved each other. Now, being apart on top of the A & financial mess is hard. I don't seem to have alot of hope of a good outcome about our relationship or the finances.I guess I just have to figure nothing is really going to improve with our marriage right now because we never see each other. I just feel myself slipping away.Yet, I know if he hadn't lied or had the A I would still have feelings for him.
This message has been edited by Barbarapat on Apr 3, 2006 11:38 AM
Yes, I do have some feelings for him but I am not sure what they are anymore. I am disappointed in him because he lied & had the A.I do not feel connected to him. I look at him with indifference & not with the love that a wife should have for her H. I look at him & think how much he has let the kids & I down.I look at him & think "who the hell is this person that did all of this crap?"
I have been feeling very much like you are lately. For me, I think it's because I'm just so tired of it all. I'm tired of the lies, I'm tired of trying to decide if H is lying or telling the truth today, I'm tired of allowing myself to get caught up in the never ending string of messes my H makes for himself, I'm just plain tired!! I've spent so much time and energy focused on my M and my H that I don't know who I am anymore. I was reading something in Oprah's magazine the other day about being true to yourself, and knowing your true self. I used to think I knew who that person was but now I have no idea who I am because I've allowed myself to get caught up in all the chaos and drama that H brought into my life. The last time (two weeks ago) that I found out H had still had contact with OW and been lying to me about it, I really fell into this state of indifference. As I told him, I'm tired of trying to fix things. He either needs to step up and take care of them or get out of my life. I'm really looking forward now to getting the house on the market. I'm feeling like once it's sold and our debts paid off I'll feel more free to just take one day at a time instead of feeling like I need to plan every moment of my life. That's what's been so hard for me in this - I'm not one to take a just wait and see attitude. I take a stand and go with it, and that has not been very helpful in this situation. So for now, my position is that I'll keep an open mind and open heart and be ready to accept whatever improvements H makes but I'm not getting my hopes up, and I'm not promising that what he does will be enough to keep me.
I'm tired of the whole mess too. I can't remember what it was like to have a normal life & not have this A mess on my mind all the time. I know I am lucky because as far as I know he's not messing around on me now, but who knows for sure. I will never be dumb & trusting again.I don't know who I am anymore either. The last few days I think about what I wish I could do. I wish I could move back to Tucson & I wish I could own a horse again.Those are my wishes but I am smart enough to know that neither one of those things will ever happen again.I am basically stuck here with this life.So, sooner or later I will have to learn to be happy with what I have left of my marriage & life here.
<<<I have been feeling very much like you are lately. For me, I think it's because I'm just so tired of it all. I'm tired of the lies, I'm tired of trying to decide if H is lying or telling the truth today, I'm tired of allowing myself to get caught up in the never ending string of messes my H makes for himself, I'm just plain tired!! I've spent so much time and energy focused on my M and my H that I don't know who I am anymore.>>>>
I can relate. I could have written those words myself and I still have moments where I feel the same way. And I ask myself, is my h doing enough? Will anything ever be enough? I thought I knew who I was before d-day now it seems to hard to get back to any part of me. When we are tired, we need to rest. As hard as it is, try to get some rest from the mess! Almost impossible, when there are triggers all around you, but you can do it, look until you find a place where you can rest.
<<<<get caught up in all the chaos and drama that H brought into my life. The last time (two weeks ago) that I found out H had still had contact with OW and been lying to me about it, I really fell into this state of indifference.>>>>>
This is what I am afraid of. I haven't caught my H in a lie and I am 90% sure that there has been nc with the OW, butas I find myself more at less and less of an emotional turmoil, I question is this acceptance, or is this denial, or is this hardening of the heart? And I don't know the answer.
<<<That's what's been so hard for me in this - I'm not one to take a just wait and see attitude.>>>>
I am not either. But like they say be careful what you pray for. I prayed I can't take the wait and see Lord and God hit the fast forward button for me and I am glad. The petition for the injunction against me from the OW and the temp custody of my 3 nephews has forced some things to come to the light, that may have otherwise remained in the shadows for months if not years.
Your H is trying, he is working hard to support his family. I think I read somewhere, this is a way a man expresses his love for his family, by providing financially for them. Take it day by day and take care of yourself.
I guess I'm doing alittle better this afternoon.Sometimes I don't know what I want from one minute to the next.It's amazing how this A mess can rip your very life out from under you & leave you with not a trace of anything normal or safe.How do you ever decide if you can really stay with the spouse that betrayed you? I still feel like I don't care either way. At least I don't hate him anymore. I still hate what he did but I don't hate him.On the other hand, I don't come close to having the feelings for him that I had all these yrs.I wonder if he understands that?
Ya know alot of couples go through a phase(for lack of a better word) where they reach a "plateau" in the relationship and it feels like you are just spinning your wheels now. No new answers to questions already asked. Nothing new to learn and nothing is changing for the better. You feel stuck. Your WS feels stuck(maybe). The relationship feels stuck.
This might be a good time to really focus on your own personal healing so you can get to the next level.
Thanks Tex! I do need to work on myself because I am basically crushed by his lies & the whole A mess. I am back to wondering if I could heal better if I just had him move out for awhile. I know it seems like a weird idea since he's hardly ever here anyway. I just think I need my space to heal & find some selfworth.I can't look at him without thinking about the lies & A mess. I still can't believe that he did all that. I guess I don't know him.When I have feelings for him for a few days, it scares me & i want to go back to being distant with him.It's safe not to care.It surprises me that I am still with him after what he did.Am I stupid or just too lazy to start over? Who knows! I just can't imagine me ever feeling normal about this marriage again. I feel like it will just be getting by. It's a shame because I was proud of him & proud of our relationship.Everything sucks now.It exists & that's about it.Oh well.
<<When I have feelings for him for a few days, it scares me & i want to go back to being distant with him.It's safe not to care.>>
I think this is the crux of the issue right here. And from what I've experienced and read here, that fear is quite normal, and a protective mechanism, too.
With that being said, I'd like to mention that altho feelings are real and valid, they are not "fact," and they are not love. Feelings just "are."
Now...you said on another post or another thread you haven't felt like a person for years. I take that to mean even before Terry's A. This is exactly the reason you need to work on you. Terry and/or the kids can't really help you there. This needs to come from you.
Haven't found time to start the book yet, but hope to soon. Went downtown yesterday & signed the rental agreement. Seems so weird to be renting something that was ours for 9 years.I never thought so many things could go wrong in my life in just the span of 2 years.It's been really strange & stressful.I decided that it wouldn't be very fair to ask Terry to move out so that I can be alone. Afterall, he's working his butt off to try & pay the bills. Guess it wouldn't be very nice of me to ask him to leave.He's hardly ever here anyway so I guess I can handle it.I just think it would be easier to heal if he was just out of the picture for a few months.I wish I could figure out if I want to stay with him or not.I can't seem to make up my mind.I know if I didn't have the kids I would have left when I found out about the A. I would have headed back to AZ in a minute. But, I've got the kids to consider & that does make a difference. Then, I find myself wondering if I will stay after the kids are grown & gone. Don't know if these are normal thoughts or not.I don't even know what normal is anymore.My "normal life" seems like it was so long ago. It's dead now anyway.Have any of you seen "Brokeback Mountain"? I love that movie & have seen it several times.I can identify with it. I feel like Jack, who couldn't have the life he wanted, & was so frustrated because of it. That's how I feel. I know what we had & I know we can never have it again.I am left with a life that is so different from what it was supposed to be.From what it was for so many years.So far, I don't like what I'm left with.
H actually got home early(midnight) & I talked to him after we went to bed. I told him how I hate feeling the way I have since I found out about the A. I told him that about half the time I want to leave & get a divorce & that half the time I think I should just stay.I told him that I miss the way things were & that it was sad to know it would never be that way again. I told him I wish I could crawl in a hole & hide. I told him how I was feeling & what I was thinking. He told me that he understood & that he still thinks that we can work things out & things will be good again. I told him that was easy for him to say because his heart isn't the one that got busted.
