Hello guys,i'm new to this and i'll try to make it all make since even though i cant right now.well
my wife an i have known each other about 17yrs.and been married for 11 yrs,we also have 1D-13yro.
About 6wks ago we had a major fight and she said she was'nt happy anymore,and maybe we should seperate so she could have her space.Isyayed about 2 more wks.after this episode but did'nt feel wanted or needed,so i left,now i'll tell you i'm no angel nor have i ever been,but once this happened i dicided i need ed to change things in my life so i tried to rectify all the wrongs i've done in the past by apoligizing to people and stuff along those lines,and in the meantime my wife is filing for legal seperation papers.Ok hers comes the crappy part i get this gut feeling something my be going on so since the cellphone records are in my name i check them and lo and behold a certian # pops up 93x and at odd times,i call her and she says its a friend she works with,i know who it is cuase i called it and it ain't no female,i go through the normal emotions(kick his ass and stuff)but that'll get me jailed,so what i do is let the cards fall were they may and still hold out hope,she tells me she'll stop talking to people she should'nt and i leave it at that.THEN today i find out she's got a new cell-phone she's been having for a month well i know all of her info so i checking it out same# 70x wow.I call him who's married w/child and have a shouting match then i call WW and same thing happens denial which like the dummy i am i believe.
Here's the kicker we have a mutual friend who seen her Sunday(she's been going out with some D friends and sleeping?)and he says she has a mark on her neck,i call her and ask her were the mark came from and asked her who's she's f*****g,she says i'm not going to do every tom dick and harry and just cause you have a mark on your neck does'nt mean you F*****d anybody,i said well your 40 yrs.and not a 19 year old your not going to neck and not have something happen.I'm pissed and don't know what to do or were to go.i hope i made since but right now i have so much i inner anger i could give chuck norris a good fight.i'm just so freaking hurt,i know i took her for granted but i see that now and it took this to do it at 38yrs old this is crazy.
thanks for letting me vent Bill

Hi Bill! Sorry that you're having to go thru all of this. This is a wonderful site & there are some great people here who are willing to listen & offer their humble opinions. I don't know what I would have done without these guys! I experienced alot of anger too. I even went after the OW(other woman)& pulled her hair. She was my H's ex-secretary & I knew her. Anyway, violance doesn't solve everything but anger is a perfectly normal reaction to being is this A mess.No one is the perfect spouse so don't let your W put the blame on you for the A. Having an A is wrong ,period. If you guys had issues & she wasn't happy then it was up to her to speak up or just seperate or divorce. You are not to blame for the A. She has some issues within herself that caused her to think it was o.k. to step outside of your marriage.Try & get enough sleep & remember to eat.It takes a long time to heal but things do get better little by little. Does she want to work things out? If so, the first step is NC(no contact) with the OP(other person). Her life must become an open book in order to help gain back your trust. You should be able to check e-mails or her cell phone whenever you feel the need to.It's very hard to learn to trust someone again. I haven't gotten to that point yet but I am getting alittle bit better. I no longer search my H's truck all the time. Sneaking around playing detective can be so draining & time consumming. It took me a year of it to finally bust him.

thanks barbara,
no reconcilation she's made her mind up,even her parents have called me today it took my WW 6wks to call them.You know when she looks at me it's not the same person i thought i knew for 17 yrs.and i know it takes 2 to tango but man whatever i've done or said in the past CANNOT compare to the pain and emptiness i feel now.I did'nt want to believe she could have an A because she's knows i'm 1 track minded and when i seat my mind to something i'll see it to the finished,i just hate all the lies,i wish she could've just told me when i asked several times cause i think i can take it better now wither than 6-mths from.And you know what the WH still denies it even says his W knows he talks to my WW,wow who does he think i am and than on top of that calling me some crap.i told him that any man with a set of you knows would do what i'm doing and as far as him and W and D i could give a rats ass less cause apparently he does'nt either.i do have appt.w/a lawyer tommorrow but i'm gonna make it as civil as possible my D does'nt deserve the pain of knowing but i'll bet she knows something is up.....Thanks again

Hi again! Sorry to hear that your wife doesn't want to work things out.I know what you mean about the lies. That is a big things that I am having trouble getting over.I spent 12 months asking my H 4 or 5 times a day if there was anything going on & each & every time he looked me in the eye & lied. He was the last person that I thought would ever hurt me. I guess nothing in life is for sure. We also have been together a long time. Together 17 yrs. & married almost 10 of those. I was the one dragging my feet about getting married because my first marriage was a disaster.I am hoping that H & I can work things out. I guess you are on lonely journey of healing without your W's help. Feel free to come here anytime.It can be a comfort, especially on those sleepless nites when all seems lost.Take care!

sorry it's been a couple of days since I've been on this,but I spoke to my attorney and she said we could sopeana this OM and find out if this is the # on his phone,she said that it may not have been the root of the break up but it may have been a influence in it.I thought long and hard about this and what better way to do it get to somebodies pocket-book LOL.
My question to all you guys is can I bring some type of civil suit against him cuase he said
he's not gonna break his family up over this..........but we'll see

thanks

<<My question to all you guys is can I bring some type of civil suit against him cuase he said
he's not gonna break his family up over this..........but we'll see>>

Hello Bill,

I am so sorry you are going through so much pain. There may still be hope that your wife will want to work things out if you can get her away from the OM.  There is a funny thing that happens to WS's (wayward spouse) once they are away from the OP (other person) they begin to see that they were not really in love with the OP they were just caught up in the excitement of the A, and once the A is over they can see more clearly.  This may or may not happen, but for most os us here our WS's came out of the A fog eventually.  AS long as both want to save the marriage it is possible.  But if you know for sure it's over then I am sorry.

As for your question, it all depends on what state you live in. In some states when you file for divorce they give you the option to state the cause of the divorce or you can file under "irreconcilable differences" or no fault, or fault.  The problem with filing a divorce and listing the cause as "fault" under infidelity the burden of proof lies on your shoulders...you must prove she had an affair in a court room (sometimes with just a judge, or there can also be a jury). Most do not recommend this, as it can drag on and cost a lot of money, not to mention cause a lot of extra bitterness between you and possibly your daughter.  Then there are people who have filed and won monetary compensation under "alienation of affection"(this is a seperate law suit, not inlcuded in a divorce).  Do a "google" web search and you will find some of these cases. My best advice is to consult with your lawyer for the options available in your state and what is best for you and your daughter. 

Take care....Carol~

Hey Bill,

<<<My question to all you guys is can I bring some type of civil suit against him cuase he said
he's not gonna break his family up over this..........but we'll see>>>

Here is my opinion for what its worth:

What is your motivation behind this if you proceed with a civil suit? Are you trying to break up his family? I certainly understand the need for "hurting" the OM in some form especially early on in this process. Alot of us direct our anger against the OP because we usually don't have any or alot of emotional investment in/with them so its easier. They become a "target" so to speak. The point is this: the problem is with your wife, not the OM.

I would not want to be part of the cause for hurting his wife and children(if they have any). They are innocent in this mess just as you are. I have serious doubts it would have the intended effect anyway. I would think if his wife felt he was under attack so to speak the liklihood that she would come to his aid and stand beside him is extremely high. Especially against someone(you) who she might feel is trying to inject themselves into her marriage and hurt her family. You can't make her think, feel or do anything no matter what evidence you toss her way if she doesn't want to believe it and/or act on it.

Redirect your thoughts Bill. He's not worth the energy wasted on him.

I'm sorry you had to find us.

Regards,

Tex


Edited: typos

I agree with Tex...he is not worth your energy and his wife and child(ren) are innocent in all of this...it is not their fault.  The chocie to cheat was just that...a choice your W made.  That is why I suggested you talk to your lawyer..he/she would more than likely advise against a civil suit.

Take care...........Carol~

Your right guys,I'm really venting and it all justs hurts me so bad I just hope somebodies eyes will open that's all.I told my WW that the grass is'nt always greener on the other side and might jump in pile cows**t but she says she's willing to try.By the way they work together and I told her to delete his no. and if it works out between us,she'll have to work elsewere...her response she likes her job and she's not quiting.I just don't understand how somebody could just fall for this crap,I know we had our differances and i did'nt communicate and she said she tried to tell me but damn.My D is my no.1 concern right now and that's what i need to concentrate on so again your right it's just anger i guess

Vent away buddy. We've all done it.

Ya know what I would honestly do? Go NC(no contact) with your wife...at least as much as I could given the fact there's a child involved. Let her see what life without you would be. Don't answer when she calls. No fixing anything...no "how was your day?" You're not interested in anything except y'alls child. Yes its gonna be harder than hell to do in the first few days or weeks or months...but you can do this. Right now...she has no reason to change because you are there. She knows you are hurt and desperate to get her back...so she plays on it.

Give her a taste of what Divorce is like. Knock her off the fence. If you end up divorcing it was going to happen anyway.

All those things you do for her...stop.

Regards,

Tex

Here's an article that might help you Bill.

Tex


No Contact with your Wayward Spouse -- by Catwoman(SI)

There have been a lot of members that are choosing to go NC with their WS. This thread is to support them in their efforts to take back control of their own lives and hopefully create a bit of healing space while giving their WS a taste of what "real" divorce is like.
So, without further ado, here are Catwoman's guidelines to NC with a WS (best works while separated):

Why go NC (No Contact) with your Separated Wayward Spouse? If they are still on the fence and not sure what they want, give them a dose of what it will be like WITHOUT YOU.

This also helps the BS protect THEMSELVES. I call it HEALING SPACE. When we stop spinning our lives around our WS, we can start to heal our own hurt. As long as we are still spinning around our WS who can't quite figure out what they want, we are still not focusing on our healing. Whether you end up reconciling or divorcing, NC with the WS can really help.

Here's how it is done:
NC with your WS does not mean NO CONTACT (we save THAT for the OP). It means, however, CONTACT ON YOUR TERMS. It also means that YOU DICTATE THE CONTACT CONTENT.

You don't TELL a WS you're going to do a NC on them. You JUST DO IT (gee, someone should make an ad slogan out of that--it's pretty good). First, get caller ID and USE IT. Don't answer about 75% of the time that it is the WS. Unless it is something dealing with finances or children, don't return the call.

Of course you want your WS to continue their relationship with your children. So you may want to amend this to picking up the phone ONCE when they call in the evening to allow them to talk with the children. But if they constantly call at 10 p.m. to talk to their 5-year-old who has been in bed since 8 . . . well, you don't have to pick that one up. Do you see where we are going with this?

And unless it is something dealing specifically with the children or finances, you don't return the call. The calls to see "how you are doing" "what color are the roses in the garden next door--I forgot" "do you think brown socks or blue ones look better with khakis," well, we just ignore those and wait until the next time we decide to pick up the phone when they call.

You ONLY talk about finances or the children. NO feelings (especially from the BS--NONE).

But you are very sweet and kind. In fact, sweet as sugar. But impersonal in a way. Kind of like the cashier treats you at the grocery store.

Secondly, set up a visitation schedule. At least one weeknight a week and alternate weekends. They're not sure they want to be married? Show 'em what it's like to be divorced. You, the BS, are BUSY on the nights and ESPECIALLY WEEKENDS you do not have the kids. I don't care if you just go to Wal-Mart and look at the Shop Vacs. YOU ARE BUSY.

Also, it wouldn't hurt to arrange a weekend (when you don't have the kids) away. Visit a friend. See your parents. But BE GONE.

It goes without saying that on the nights you don't have your children, you DON'T answer the phone.

Here are the answers to the questions you will get:

Where were you? OUT.

Who were you with? NO ONE YOU WOULD KNOW.

What were you doing? JUST STUFF.

And for those who think it is a game, Wal-Mart is OUT, right? And the nice fellow that showed you the Shop-Vacs is NO ONE HE WOULD KNOW, right? And Wal-Mart qualifies as JUST STUFF, right? You see, you're not fibbing. Just creating a little mystery.

Now remember, you are as nice as can be when giving these answers. But don't give ANY more information than this. NONE.

If he asks how you are, you are FINE. No elaboration.

It doesn't hurt to change something. Highlight your hair. Grow a beard. Do SOMETHING that is immediately noticeable and different. Something healthy (now is NOT the time to get a tattoo, for example), but just different. Believe me, the WS will notice when they come to pick up the children for their "scheduled visitation."

Never cry in front of them. If you are having trouble tearing up, make any face-to-face or phone interaction very brief. Switch to e-mail if you can. Much easier to keep it impersonal that way (plus the written record is AWESOME!).

Some may consider this a game. It is anything but. This is a way that you can create the space YOU need to heal, as well as give WS a taste of what divorced life will be like.

If they don't decide to reconcile, you're just that much further along the path to healing.

If they do decide to heal the marriage, they may have learned a very valuable lesson with regards to what they barely escaped losing. This isn't a game. And it does work. Hugs to all who are brave enough to do NC with their separated WS.


Catwoman

Ya know Tex,i told I would'nt be talking to her anymore Sunday except when I call for my D before
she goes to school in the AM,if she picks the phone up I tell her she knows it's me calling so why does she bother picking it up and she should let my D pick it up.Yesterday she calls me out of the blue to tell me not to forget about a piss-ant bill that has nothing to do with anything,I said what I had to say and hung up the phone

Thanx, great article I'm gonna do just that the balls already rollin'

Great article BTW....Carol~