To Barb, Kathy and anyone else having this feeling...
You all know what I think of this phrase, and you probably know that my wife and I had uttered some iteration of it to each other before we realized how destructive it really is. You also know that we have attended this program called Retrouvaille with which we credit saving our marriage.
During one of the follow-up sessions last Saturday, I was reading a page from the workbook each participant is given, and it struck me that this perfectly coincides with what we've been discussing on the board lately...
"The following is paraphrased from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People....By Stephen R. Covey
Conversation between a husband and his counselor:
Husband: 'My wife and I just don't have the same feelings for each other that we used to have. I guess we don't love each other anymore. What can I do?'
Counselor: 'So, you don't have the same feelings anymore?'
Husband: 'That's right, and we have three children. We're really concerned. What do you suggest?'
Counselor: 'Love her.'
Husband: 'But, I just explained the feeling isn't there anymore.'
Counselor: 'Love her.'
Husband: 'You don't seem to understand me. The feeling of love isn't there anymore.'
Counselor: 'Then, love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her.'
Husband: 'But, how do you love when you don't have the feeling anymore?'
Counselor: 'Love is a verb (an action word). Love - the feeling - is a fruit of love, a verb. So, love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?'
EXPLANATION:
For healthy people, love is a verb (something they do). On the other hand, people who react rather than respond to what's going on around them see love as a feeling. They and their behavior are driven by feelings.
This is helped along by the society in which we live, which teaches us that we are a product of our feelings. In other words, we, and our behavior result from our feelings, not from our thoughts. But if we let our feelings control our behavior, we have given up our responsibility and have empowered our feelings.
On the other hand, proactive, responsible people make love a verb, something you do, that is, the sacrifices you make, the giving of self, like a parent caring for a child.
If you want to learn what love is, then study those who sacrifice for others (even for people who offend them or do not love them in return). Love then, is a value that becomes real through loving actions.
Proactive, responsible people place values above their feelings.
So, the love you once had for each other can be rebuilt."
An interesting side note....several months ago, I remember telling my IC the same thing as the husband in the conversation above. His advice to me was very similar..."Cherish her as best you can. You may not feel love for her, but if you want to love her, then just cherish her." I was too hurt/angry/stubborn to really understand what he meant then. I told him last night that I get it now, and thank you.
The way I see it - through what I have experienced - the less you love because you feel you're not IN love, the less you want to love, and the less your spouse will return it, because their feelings will overtake their thoughts as well and you both get stuck in a resentful, unloving rut.
Bob, I do understand what you're saying. Guess I am just in a place where I don't want to love him right now. Loving him all these yrs. & being a good wife(he says I was & am one) just got me shit on.I didn't deserve any of this & I don't even know if I want to be with him anymore.I don't feel like putting the effort into things right now.I still have no answers as to why he did what he did.I look at him & all I can think of is "he's the H who betrayed me". I never look at him like I use to before all of this.As I've mentioned before, I wouldn't stay friends with someone who lied to me & betrayed me. Why am I still with my H after what he did? Sometimes, I think I'm just not willing to start my life over again. Did that after my first marriage. Now I'm almost 46& it seems like too much work to start all over.If I had any brains I should have sold the house before we lost it, took the kids & the money(which H said I could do & gone to Tucson. But,my emotions were overwhelming & I didn't make the move. Now there's no money & no choice. I just feel that I will never be happy in this marriage again. At least the kids will have their dad.
To me, when hearing that phrase from a WS, I've always been of the opinion that it's a question of semantics.
That whole "IN love" thing shouldn't be called love, IMO. It should be called passion, or another word.
Through conversations with my W, and with some other WS, it seems like they confuse the excitement, passion, freshness and "newness" (if that's a word) of a new relationship with REAL love.
So, that phrase should say, "I love you, but I don't feel that passion, that excitement that I once felt".
And this is perfectly understandable, especially when you've been with someone for many years. The newness fades, as does the excitement. It gets lost in the everyday life that we lead. For people (BS & WS alike) who don't recognize this, they simply start to feel that the love isn't there anymore.
Far from it. It's changed, morphed into a deeper, abiding love, but it's STILL there.
Besides writing Monogamy Myth, Peggy Vaughan has also cowritten a book with her H, James, that addresses this in pretty good detail. It's called, "Making Love Stay", and it's on my personal recommended reading list for couples...
Just my .02,
Cory
Some things in life are problems. Most are inconveniences. Knowing the difference is wisdom.
I was told by one of my C's that when a WS makes the infamous statement "I love you BUT Im not in love with you" is a rationalization in the WS's mind the exonerates them from blame..."if Im not in-love with you who can blame for seeking love, it's no one's fault" kind of thing. It lessens their guilty feelings and a justification for their A.
And I agree..."the in-love feelings" the WS spouse gets hooked on is all about the excitement of being with some one new, and not about love at all, then add the secrecy of an the A to it all...well, you can just see the fog bank thickening. And in my case, add the extra drug fog to that and you cant see your own hand in front of your face
Take care....Carol~
Current Topic - "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you"
