I have a question regarding in-law etiquette. I have just lost the most important person in the world to me and I don't think I can stand to lose anyone else right now. My sister-in-law is my age and although she lives on the other side of the country we are good friends. The same for his parents. The first couple of days after I found out they really helped get me though the intial shock. Is it OK if I keep in contact with them? They are good people and they are taking this very hard. My husband was not a bad person at all, this has taken everyone that knew him by suprise. I have insisted that I do not want to come between them and their son/brother. I have not given them any of the details. They do know that he had and affair, I found out, I asked him to leave and he is now living with the woman.
I haven't talked to them much. A couple of emails back and forth. I would like to here some opinions.
I would think that it would be fine to remain friends with your in-laws. I just would keep things neutral as far as personal stuff goes. My H's A has ruined any relationship that I had with my mother in-law & step father in-law. I will never talk to them again. I do however remain very close to my father in-law & step mother in-law.
When push comes to shove those relatives will generally support their blood relatives. If you can maintain contact and have a relationship with them then I say go for it.
But you also have to think long term and what is healthy for you. Do you want to listen to his sister talking about how happy he is with OW? or about possible nieces or nephews, etc.
If you think you can handle that then your relationship with them poses no problems. If they always have to watch what they say in your presence then it becomes a bit more difficult.
Yes they are disappointed and upset, but it is their son and you love your children unconditionally whatever they do.
My ex sister in law was a supporter of mine and loved me to death. We emailed back and forth all the time. After my ex left the house I emailed her and explained the situation as briefly as possible. She promised she would talk to him and kick his butt and get him back home where he belonged. The next email I sent to ask her how he was doing was returned with a brief curt message "please don't contact me anymore".
My ex's parents would send me money to invest for my H since they knew I was an accountant and more than capable of making sure the money was put where it would do the best good. They were always concerned how my education was going and how my family was doing. They phoned after he left looking for him. I said he wasn't home and would have to call you back. He called them a couple days later and told them he wasn't living here anymore. (after 3 months of not living here!!!) They never bothered to contact me again.
I say just go with the flow. Whatever feels right and comfortable and is healthy for you, then that is what you should do!
When my first marriage ended, my in-laws were the closest and strongest members of my support system and I loved them as much as they loved me. Both of them are gone now and to this day I miss them. We did not have any children to the greatest chagrin of my mother-in-law, but I adored my in-laws...
When my former mother-in-law died, my present H came with me to her wake and he was 'surprised' by the fact the entire family -huge family - treated me like I was still one of their own...
And as you walk you make your path Kat
This message has been edited by Kats7 on Apr 8, 2006 11:31 PM
When my brother and sister-in-law divorced she remained a part of the family. She still was invited to special events, sent cards for birthdays,etc. and vice-versa. They remained friendly after the divorce which helped. When my brother got married several years later things changed some. His new wife was uncomfortable around his ex so she was no longer invited to family gatherings except for really big things like weddings. Still, we all still keep in contact with her and send cards, etc. She'd been a sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, aunt for a lot of years and we loved her then, it's doesn't seem right to just cut that off because things didn't work out for them.
I don't know if you have children or not but if you do, it seems you would want to keep his parents in your life for their sake. They've lost a lot in this too, you'd hate to have them lose their grandparents too.
I still talk to my in-laws although not nearly as much as I did when we were married. His mom used to call me nearly every week before and we'd talk longer than he and his mom would. Now his mom only calls when she is trying to find something out about the kids, like if they have been in the hospital or something to see how they are. She asks how I am but our conversations are very short, she always needs to go quickly. She no longer says "I love you" to me and she did before all the time. My FIL and I have spoken a few times since and he's always great and he does still say "I love you." I guess his love wasn't conditional and hers was and I would have expected that honestly. I never got along with his sister and he didn't before we separated but now he does a little.
I don't see anything wrong with you staying in their lives if you can do while staying away from personal conversations as others are advising. They do tend to defend their own blood regardless of how wrong that blood was. I would expect that though. My ex needed his family after our separation. He didn't have a lot of friends to talk to or siblings to share with like I did.
Thank you guys. Angela, no we do not have childern, I am so glad that we do not have to put our childern through this. I just feel bad for her childern who for at least a month had to live with a married man staying over a few nights a week and now has a married man living in their house. They are an 18 year old boy and a 14 year old girl.
<<<Angela, no we do not have childern, I am so glad that we do not have to put our childern through this. >>>
Sorry, I should have known that. I started reading the posts backwards. When I got to the ones where you mentioned no kids I'd already posted my message.
<<<I just feel bad for her childern who for at least a month had to live with a married man staying over a few nights a week and now has a married man living in their house. They are an 18 year old boy and a 14 year old girl.>>>
Wow. This is such a confusing and impressionable age anyway. What must this woman be thinking!
Lots of good advice here! I am not in contact with my ex-inlaws or my ex-SIL. None of them have contacted me, I'm sure in the beginning, they were embarrassed for the actions of my ex. As time went on, it probably just became harder to reach out. I don't contact them either, for that matter. It makes me very sad because I had a nephew that I lost in the divorce too. He'll be 6 this year, I was there the day he was born and babysat him the first 2 weeks of his life - I miss that. But, it would be so bizarre to talk to them and NOT talk about my ex.
I do keep in contact with my ex's Grandma. She lives out of state so I don't see her physically. We email a few times a week and she still sends me cards for special events. She wrote me the sweetest email the week my ex left and it said something to the effect that once a grandparent has a grandchild, they never let go. She has made it clear, without ever SAYING it, that she knows what my ex did and doesn't approve. In fact, my ex said she barely spoke to him the first 6 months after he left.
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
