So I don't threadjack Mike's "getting better?" thread...
<<Then my counselor said to me "how have you handled conflicts in the past with your H." I said, "I try to be understanding and listen to his perspective, put myself in his shoes...." she said, "Like you are now?" I said "Yes." She said, "and how did that work for you?"
Kind of stopped me in my little co-dependent tracks.>>
Isn't it funny how people see things we never did?! My best friend uses a similiar Dr. Phil-ism, "How's that workin' for ya?" In my own case, I could see how I'd gotten to where I was by doing the same thing I always did - because I was getting what I always got.
I do think A recovery is a wholly different animal than most other "conflicts". Because of this, we have to deal with it in different ways, sometimes step outside our comfort zone, and make some real boundaries for ourselves.
And then wait.
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
Stopped me dead in my tracks. Now, I have to figure out how someone as "tough" and me, and as "straightforward" changes a lifetime of always being the one with integrity, honesty, etc...like a banner...but not expecting the same with those I love.
He said the right things. A far cry from doing the right thing...
Was reading the Old Testament recently, and paged over to the topic of adultery.
It says that it is one of the vilest transgressions a person can visit upon their spouse, and calls for the community to shun the transgressor due to the intensity of the betrayal and feeling of betrayed.
My wife & I watched the Sopranos together the other night. It was really uncomfortable for me at first, when they started...then when Tony's conscious got the better of him, I think it was really uncomfortable for my wife. The entire show was about change and how it affected individuals, community, etc. I think it was probably the most brilliantly written of any episode.
But getting back to MJA's point...I guess I'm a little perplexed, or maybe just not reading it correctly...help me out. Why are you wanting to change being honest and straightforward? Or is it that you've never asked or expected that of your spouse? Sorry...I'm a little dense this week...finding it difficult to focus.
I'm not saying I need to change being straightforward and honest, however I do believe I need to change putting him first and thinking about him first. I also need to accept that he doesn't have the same standards of integrity as I do. He says he does and he just slipped, but I just don't understand that.
I hear what I just wrote and it sounds so judgemental...
Here is my point, I need to be who I am, which is honest, etc, however I need to focus on my experience with this rather than being codependent and trying to sympathize with him. Compassion is always warranted, however putting him first ahead of myself is just part of the problem.
I understand now what you are saying. If you take the understanding thing too far and get so wrapped up in your spouse's healing, you are not taking responsibility for your own healing.
I think this is the opposite problem that the majority of us have...at least, from what I've experienced and from what I've read here. We get so angry - stemming from the pain, profound disappointment in our spouses, and just pure sadness - that we don't see any need to understand what our spouses are going through. Nor do we feel that we should ever have to...and we're damn sure not going to be taken advantage of again. That's our extreme, which needs the remedy of understanding so we can acquire a certain amount of harmony in order to work out the issues without WWIII breaking out.
The opposite extreme which you are experiencing needs the remedy of being strong for yourself so you can feel secure that you won't be taken advantage of again. You're right...being too dependent on him may truly be "sweeping it under the rug", which will be horrible for your piece of mind in the long run, and may teach him that he doesn't have to be responsible for his own actions/mistakes. He needs to hear you as much as you need to hear him. The scale can't be tipped in either direction.
I do think I have this ability to think about others first, to a fault. And my husband will grab onto that and say "yeah".
On another note, since I found out about this EA and online stuff, he has started a program called DBT - dialectic behavioral therapy. It is making a huge difference in how he sees the world. It is a 36 weeks program.
I'm still in immense pain. The only thing worse was when my mom died suddenly. It is getting better now that we are looking at week 8. Tomorrow morning we have MC, which can be volatile now that I say 'Bullshit" a great deal.
Hi Bob! I just don't understand why we BS have to be so concerned about the pain our WS is going thru. I don't notice him going thru any pain but if he is, it's all his own doing. I'm having a good day today so please don't read anger into this post. It's just I don't feel the need to baby him or understand his pain. To me it would be like feeling sorry for someone who just murdered someone else. He knew adultry was wrong & CHOSE to do it.Hopefully if he's going thru some pain he will learn something from it.
Funny you should mention your new vocab. "BULLSHIT" has become one of my most popular responses. I believe her to be suffering, but sometimes she says the most stupid things when it comes to excuses. Hang in there and follow your heart.