I spoke with H last Sunday (he's living in apartment while we figure things out) and he tells me that he doesn't want to come home unless it feels right. I asked him what that meant and he said "like I'm supposed to be there and it's not so uncomfortable or like I'm forcing it". I told him we needed to put the cart before the horse in this situation b/c he's never going to 'feel' like it until he comes home and tries. I'm truly scared he will never 'feel' like it and will never come home and our relationship will just fizzle out. I feel like I'm holding on to a thread that used to be our marriage and it's just slipping away.

I found out about EA last December and we separated 1 month ago. I asked him to leave until he figured out what he wanted to do b/c having him in my house when he was text messaging OW was truly killing me. He says he's not talking with her anymore and that he doesn't love her. He will tell me he loves me if I say it first. Things are very awkward between us. He cannot even look me in the eye and when we hug it's so stiffed and forced.

I'm trying my hardest to make this work but I just don't know how. When is it time to just give up? Some days I feel like it's over and some days I feel like we're just going through a bad spell and we will eventually work out.

When is it time to just give up?
Karen

Hi Karen,

My H had an EA back in 2003.  It went on for almost a year.  Although it was primarily an EA, things did get somewhat physical ... however, they did not have sex.

I kicked my H out of the house 4 months after I found out.  Even though the EA was over, I could not tolerate the lies and the bullshit that he tried to pin on me.  Once I was able to confirm (from someone else) that he was lying about some things that I felt were important...I demanded that he leave.

We are still together and still on the uphill battle towards reconciliation.  There are days when I want to give up...there are days when I wish I had already given up (and moved on).  But the most important days are the ones where I'm glad that I didn't make any permanent decisions while I was an emotional mess.  I did not want to make any decisions that I might have regretted later (especially since we have young children).

You will know when you've had enough.  As Chris often says, "Your mileage may vary."

Since everything is still somewhat fresh (and very raw) right now....it's probably best if you decide to focus on you and your recovery for the time being.  Read the affair-recovery books, do some things for you - get your mind off of this for a little while (I know - it's almost impossible!).

Your WS's emotions may be up and down like a yo-yo.  He may want to come back and work on the marriage one day ... and then change his mind the next day.  He may be feeling guilty and totally conflicted with his emotions.  If you are willing to work things out with him (if he snaps out of it) then you may want to hold off on giving up.

There are no hard and fast rules on affair-recovery.  But from what I've seen and heard....it can take anywhere from a few months to a couple of years before you know when it's time to walk away.

It's frustrating ... I know.  I'm 2 years past d-day and (as I said before) there are days when I'm not 100% convinced that it isn't time for me to walk away.

All the best Karen .

Kara

Hello Karen,

Just a quick respond as I have been in the same boat as you. My H had an EA for about 5-6 months last year, and had some difficulty in understanding the NC rule. There was some physical things but apparently no sex.

I initially wanted to leave, I couldn't stand looking at him. I was so mad, hurt and stunned I couldn't even cry when I found out. After a day, I could have helped out the farmers with the drought. I didn't leave, nor did I kick him out, for two reasons. 1) I didn't think it would help matters any, we needed to begin to work this mess out and 2) I have two girls, 13 and 7, and I will move heaven and earth to keep them out of this debacle. I was not going to explain where Daddy went. We were going to work it out around them, period. No fighting around them ever, my world caved in, theirs didn't need to.

My H reacted much like yours did. Cold to me, would say I love you only after I would say it first. I find that as I had to go through a process, so did he. That was his way of coping with his guilt and shame. Then one day...Poof, he came to me and said that he loved me. I just started to cry. I didn't ask him to, he just did.

I am glad I handled the situation like I did. As I said, he had trouble with the NC rule, but I reached my "mileage" and stated that if I had to pack up the kids and leave, that would be my absolute last resort, but I would do it.

Since then, he has been a model H. Calling all the time, doing little things here and there. My healing was on my timeframe, his was on his. And now that I have some health problems, possibly serious, he is worried out of his mind. I'm the one never sick, but now that I have a few things going on, now it really kicks in how I figure into his life. It's his 2 X 4. Knowing what he did and now having to deal with medical problems to the one he hurt, ( and he can't do a damn thing about it) that has got to be a heavy load.

I don't know if this helps you any. This is a roller coaster for both of you. You're raw. You will be stronger down the path. Work on yourself and your kids. On the airplane, you put the mask on yourself first right??? When you are stable, make your decisions then. Only you know when and what is truly right for you.

There is light at the end of the tunnel (no its not the oncoming train). However your situation finally ends up, things will work out in their own way.......