After 2 years of my husband being in an affair and seperated over 9 months ago, I am nearing the time where the court is going to force me to finalize the divorce and I am just mortified. My husband showed up and we talked for 3 hrs the other nite all about cosigning for him to get a loan to pay off the bills that he has created. During our marriage he was always accusing me of enabling the kids and he is my worst enemy!!!! I am so wanting to be healthy and every time I talk to him, I lose myself, I feel sick, I feel unhealthy, I cannot figure out why things I feel so clearly about seem to all of a sudden seem so foggy. All I can figure out that it is toxic literally!!! Lets look at this reasonably. He moved in and out of the house at least 10 times last year, every time convincing me that it was over!! Now we are coming down to finalizing this thing and him having to pay me the money and he is talking about us getting back together again,etc. etc., blah blah blah blah!!!!! First of all, what woman in their right mind would cosign to pay back the credit card debt that he and the OW created!!! It is absolutely absurd and he actually thinks that I might do it. I know deep in my heart that the best thing I could really do is get the thing finalized and call his bluff because he thinks that I am so needy of the marriage that I will wait forever for him. Folks I really do understand this whole situation as it would look to the outside world but when you are in the middle of it all, it is so hard to do what you know is the best thing. My marriage has meant the world to me and after 25 years and a man who was dedicated to me it is so devastating to have all the rules changed. I literally turn into a basket case when I think of signing those papers. I need repentance not someone trying to bargain under the pretense that he wants the marriage back. Nothing has changed with him.. He said that he knows it has been an addiction and the addiction doesnt come to you, you have to go to it and hes not doing that anymore,meaning going to her. And that is supposed to make me want to go back with him!!! I am needing to hear from him that he is going to check himself into a serious rehab.
Wow. It's kind of like this is your moment. I'm impressed with your clarity and knowing you should not cosign a loan for his debt, etc. Regardless of whether or not he says the right words, he's not doing what you need to have a healthy marriage.
It sounds like signing the papers will be hard for you, but it sounds like you know what you need to do to have a healthy life.
I am sorry for what you've been through. It sounds like the wringer. I pray for you, and I'm sure that what it before you if far more hopeful than what you have lived through the last few years.
I know it hurts and it is difficult to do, but you know exactly what you need to do. You need to sign the papers...end that chapter of your life, and start a new one. We all fear the unknown and it is difficult to let go of the past. But there are times when we must do so for our own good, and the good of the other, believe it or not.
If he is serious about wanting to get back together, let him get his crap together and earn his way back into your life...yes, even after the divorce is final you can still work things out if he is remorseful and changes. Otherwise, it sounds like he is just using you to pay off his debt, and if he isnt seeing OW, he will start seeing someone else once he feels safe enough to do so. Yep...nothing changes, if nothing changes! Unfortunately the BS needs to change as well and put their foot down and stop being walked all over. Sounds like you are well aware of that, but doing it is anoteher story. Don't feel bad, I am in the same boat. I know what needs to be done, but actually doing it, well, that's the hard part. (((((((((hugs)))))))
I had a SERIOUS meltdown the day my ex brought divorce papers for me to sign, too. We had been separated 9 months also and they had been really ROUGH months. Seeing "Dissolution of Marriage" in print absolutely pushed me over the edge. I didn't FEEL married but still but the finality of it all hit me square between the eyes. What was worse was that the court date was already scheduled - TWO WEEKS later. I felt like I didn't have time to prepare for it.
So, I called a good friend, he came over and gave me a hug and a pep talk. The papers are just that - paper. My marriage had been over for WAY longer than 9 months. The papers are just something for some file at the court house. We didn't have a healthy relationship well before he left (obviously not if he was cheating for 2+ months before then and on any number of occasions before the last OW!). He reminded me that I'd been preparing for the divorce for 9 months and that maybe this would help me find some closure. He was right, of course, but wow, did that throw me for a loop.
I know all this is easier for me to write than you to live, please don't think I'm minimizing your pain. If your H is serious about reconsiling, he DOES need to do some work. If he's serious, he'll do whatever it takes to make things right. In the meantime, I would sooner pluck my own eyes out with a fork than co-sign a loan for him... but that's just me
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
Wow, Evafaye, while reading your post I truly thought I was having a heart attack. I can so relate to what you're feeling because my ex behaved very similarly--and we were married for 25 years as well. When I found out about his most recent affair (after I had suspected it for about 18 months) I immediately filed for divorce and HE had the nerve to be shocked! I think he really thought that he could just say he was sorry and have everything back to the way it was. Beecause he was trying to be nice (and I had a GREAT attorney--God bless her soul!) our divorce went very quickly and 60 days later it was a done deal. It's been almost 7 weeks since the papers were signed and sometimes I still can't believe it's over.
BUT. . .I am so glad and relieved to have closure and now I really feel like I can move on. It helped me to make a list (it was a long one) of all of the advantages of being on my own with the kids. It was and IS still scary to think of being alone after all those years of marriage but being alone is not the same as being lonely---and I was so incredibly lonely for about the last 5 years that I actually feel lots better now with him not around. He sounds a lot like yours in that mine tried to manipulate me and the kids in order to get his way. It was always about HIM but he tried to make it look like he cared about us. Really sick and narcissistic behavior. I still (and probably always will) have to be on my guard lest he tries to continue to do it. Sometimes you just need space and time away from them so you can clear your head and think straight. I made mine move out and refused to talk to him on the phone and only used e-mail minimally. That helped me a lot. And I can feel my head getting clearer every day with him not hovering around trying to control me. It's very emmpowering but you have to give yourself a chance. It's not easy and some days are better than others but at least you're in charge. Please don't hear me saying that everyone should divorce a cheating spouse. The first time mine did it was 12 years ago and I stuck around all of this time because I just wasn't ready to quit--and. . .like I said. . .he is a great liar and manipulator. When I was in therapy during that first crazy time and wanted to rush out and get divorced then my therapist said something that made SO much sense to me. She said, "you can ALWAYS get divorced. . .but if you think getting a divorce will get this man out of your life (we have three kids) you are fooling yourself--getting divorced just gives you less control over the situation: -- she advised me to not move too quickly and I obviously didn't because it took me 12 years. But in those 12 years I made sure I completed my education and got a great job. I kept investing in my relationship with my kids and beefed up my support network. I tried to work things out with him but my heart wasn't really in it. And when I found out he was at "it" again I was ready this time. So, after this very long post, I guess what I'm saying is to do what is right for yourself, what feels good in your gut, know that it's going to be scary and insane for a while, let other people help you out all you can, be good to yourself and know, without a doubt that you can have a better life if YOU are in charge. Good luck. . . .
I really liked your post. I took some of the same steps toward finishing my education that you did back when my ex cheated. That was one of the conditions when I took him back, that I would also finish my bachelors and maybe even my masters so if he did it again, I would be able to support myself. I never got the chance to completely finish before we split up because my ex continued to lie to me. I am still working on that education and am making lots of progress. I honestly think what helps you a great deal when you split after a long marriage and this traumatic event they've inflicted on you, is to make a plan for how you will get by in the future with or without your spouse - especially when it is a financial hardship. I realized that even as hard as it would have been, I could have lived with my parents or any of my siblings until I was finished school - glad I didn't have to though. I know my biggest fear of getting out of my marriage was financial and since I had children and custodial care with an ex that doesn't want them a whole lot, I needed to figure out how to keep my lifestyle at least to the point that I could be happy with it.
There seems to be a lot of unfairness to a single mother or father who has custodial care because you can't even take the high pressure, high stress, high pay jobs even when you have the education if you are putting your young children first. Because of that, you have to take a hit on pay as well. I get angry sometimes because I have an ex that makes a good deal of money and I'll never be able to make what he makes because I have custodial care and he won't help much. While I wouldn't give up my children for the world, I do wonder where the justice is in all of this? My friend who just graduated last week is looking for a job now and she has two young children as well. She is finding that any good jobs with decent pay require many hours and traveling that she cannot do because she wants to be with her children and because she has no family around to help. I think I may be in the same boat when I graduate.
I guess my point of posting this is that as long as me and the children are happy and I have what I need to get by and do some of the things I want to do, I can STILL be happy. I refuse the let him ruin my life and to make me unhappy.
Charlie,
I think you are SO right--the main thing is that you and your kids are happy. You know--even if the ex has money and a good job you have something he will NEVER have--the knowledge that you are doing what's best for your kids and that they will always remember who was there for them. Even though it's been less than 6 months since my ex and I separated and only under 2 months since the actual divorce I can already see my kids' exasperation with him and his puny attempts to be a "good" dad. They see right through him. Part of my waiting for 12 years after the first affair was to get my kids (and myself) to a place where I could have some independence. The thing about education is that it is ALWAYS a good investment because those kids won't be little forever. And even if you only take a few classes here and there you will ultimately finish. And as your kids get older they will be more independent and you will be able to live your life--still for them but mostly for you. When my ex first started running around (or at least the first time I KNEW for sure he was) he was making 4 times the money I was and was of all things. . .A DIVORCE LAWYER!! Now he is a JUDGE in civil court--of all things but our income is almost the same. My kids are 23, 19 and 16 and independent and lovely souls who still love their dad (biology MUST be destiny!) but they are totally and completely devoted to me and I know they admire the sacrifies I made for them--even though they don't like the situation. I guess what I'm saying is that there is a lot of learning that comes with loss--learning about others, life, God and mostly about yourself. Hang in there--things WILL get better.
You would think that after your H (as a divorce lawyer) saw all those marriages split by affairs that he would have the decency NOT to do it himself. Doesn't make much sense, does it? My ex also has a somewhat high profile job and if word had gotten out back then, it would have ruined his career. Guess he didn't think much about that, did he? My ex also had multiple A's that I didn't know about until 13 years into our marriage and we didn't separate until 2 years after that when he still couldn't tell me the truth. I am also so happy I am away from that. I'm willing to bet that even you will continue to realize how lucky you are to be out of it even more so than you are now since he cheated repeatedly. I think it dawned on me more and more for about the first whole year or so - maybe more.
I wanted to add something here. After my divorce lawyer got finished reading a bunch of e-mails from my ex and I to each other, he told me that my ex was a bit of a creep and that he (lawyer) had been married for 17 years and every day he considers himself even more lucky than the one before for marrying his wife. He said there are men, like him, that have never cheated on their wives.
Just thought I'd throw that in there because I can totally understand how you feel the "whole justice system" may play a part to his or other A's, but reality is that it was "him" and not the system. Same with my H, A's are rampant in his line of work as well but I know there are those who do not engage in A's in the same line of work.
Evafaye1.....I just wanted to be sure that you were not actually considering c-signing those papers? I didn't totally understand if you were really going to do it or not. If you do that and you subsequently divorce, that debt will be yours. Why doesn't the OW co-sign? My former spouse co-signed a loan for the OW and he is in deep water now.....she filed bankruptcy several years before she and ex got together..wouldn't you think that would have been a red flag? DUH. Anyway, he makes LOTS of money and it is all going to her and her bille and supporting her children...there is sometimes justice....not that I after that, but I enjoy, at some level, the collateral damage that is upon him.
If you ex has debt and you two still own property together, aren't you sort of doing the same thing? I mean, can't you lose part of the house because of the ex's debt from OW should he not be able to pay?
Charlie
Current Topic - Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes
