Just over three weeks from d-day and I think I'm getting it. The W went to C, was told I should get details - nothing too graphic. Learned the when and some of the where, what an ass I am. Anyway, last two days I think alot about moving out, (not really feasable for her to leave the house and kids right now, and she probably wouldn't). Evenually I want our house, torn about what to do for the kids. I now see that she will never, ever know the deep betrayal and hurt she caused me. This, I believe, is the reason we should seperate. I am angry, but really, deep down, I know what is hurting me. Another motivation for getting out, is that I am closing in on 45, I don't really see things being all that different in 5 years. As a matter of fact, I will probably hate myself more for staying and now I'm 50. She appears to be trying, she is sooooo sorry - bullshit. She just doesn't get. During part the revealing last night I asked if she loved OM, she said she had some feeling, later in the conversation, she adds, they were like "friends with benefits", I am thinking that is awfully cold.
Maybe its to soon and I'm just sensitive. Oh well. Thanks for listening.

Merc

I don't think any of us felt real good in the initial stages and 3 weeks is very early. Even those here who've actually made their marriages work after an A didn't feel real good about their marriages right in the beginning. I know you probably hate to hear this right now, but TIME will help you feel a bit better - oh, and a remorseful spouse certainly goes a long way of making you feel better too.

Charlie

Merc-

Sorry once again for your pain. This is a tough one.

It is early after D-Day for you, and believe me, the shock is nowhere near over. Shock is a good thing, it only lets you take in the hurt and anger in increments. I would encourage you NOT to make any life decisions at this time.

She will never get the depth of the pain she has caused. She will never want to, and couldn't even if she did.

Take some time and learn what you need to about her A, her feelings toward it, and any of the details you want or need to know. You need to strip her naked (figuratively) and try to see the whole thing through her eyes. Push her as best you can to give you the whole truth.

Give yourself time. Take it day to day and emotion to emotion. Even if you leave, you will still have to deal with this process. If she can help you, so much the better.

Good luck.

Jay

It's been 9 months since I had the last bit of evidence to totally bust my H. You're right, they never do get it. I have pretty much realized that our marriage will never be anything like what it was. We both thought our marriage was special & now it's not. I still haven't decided if I am staying or going. If I stay I will be settling for alot less than I bargained for. Our sex life now sucks for me, I still don't trust him & I no longer look at him as being anyone special. Luckly he is so busy working that we hardly ever see each other. Just take your time & make the decision that you know you can live with because you almost always don't have the option of reversing things later on. Take care.Also, I still don't have any answers as to why he did it. So see, this A mess can take along time to sort thru. I just sit & wait but I have told him that I can't start to heal until I get some answers. TIME, UGH!!!!!

Everyone says it is importnat to know the details.  For me, I just wanted the basics.  I would have fallen apart had he told me too many details, making the depth of the betrayal way too great and I know I would not be able to live with myself if I stayed.  Still, I am having a hard time wanting to stay.  I still love him, but nothing like I did before.  I thought the sacrafices I had been making were for us, to be a family, not so he can spend time with someone else when he never had time for me or our children.  Yes, it hurts beyond words.  And I dont think he will ever understand the pain, or even the betrayal itself. Lies...just so many lies...each one a stab in the heart. Each moment they shared a rip in my soul.  Maybe too much damage has been done to recover.  For each of us that is a choice we must face and make on our own and in our own time. Do you what you feel is right for you...

Take care...Carol~

Merc,

My wife responded to your post in the Open Forum. In the whole time we've been going through this affair business, this is only the third or fourth time she has posted, so she must be seeing something in what you are saying that very closely relates to what she went through. She's trying to let you know that there is great turmoil on both sides of this mess, and it is difficult for us BS's to understand that. I'm very proud of her for having the courage to write and the compassion to want to help. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's possible for both parties to "get it", once the dust settles a little and if you can communicate properly.

It's still so early for you in your discovery that it's difficult to process all of this, because the rollercoaster ride is SO violent in the first part of the journey. It's all in how well you process it and try to understand what's going on from all perspectives. Yes, sometimes even from the WS's perspective, as I've been trying to point out, and as my wife has now as well.

I turned 45 one week ago...I know EXACTLY what you are saying about that, about things not being better in five years and if you've wasted that time, about leaving and being torn over the kids...I even had serious thoughts about a revenge affair. These are all normal thoughts for anybody right now. Don't think you're going crazy, but also don't make any rash decisions. I was in the exact same place you are right now, and as my wife said in her post, we celebrated - yes CELEBRATED our 19th wedding anniversary yesterday. I won't deny that it was difficult for me, and I told her that...and she listened and understood. The difference between now and back then when I was too angry to listen to her and she was building more and more resentment for me is...this time, she heard me and talked to me...let me know that she understood my feelings, acknowledged that she would never really know the full extent of the pain but wouldn't hurt me any more, understood why yesterday was difficult for me and wanted to show me she was remorseful and that she loved me, always and forever. So in turn, I wanted to show her that I loved her. I agreed that it was a day that we should be proud of, because we have proved to ourselves and our children that we are strong people who can work through the "for worse" part of our marriage...because - even through all this mess on both sides of our relationship - we were able to realize what was really important...that we loved each other.

It's clear that you still love your wife. Don't let go of that thought.

The pain and turmoil do ease up with time...that four letter word. There is hope if you want there to be hope. Hang in there. Ride the rollercoaster and even try to take your hands off the lap bar now and then when your on an upswing. We're here for you.

I'm one of those whose marriage survived, and survived well. However, it was NOT an easy road by any means.

And Barbara, some spouses DO "get it". My W did, even if it took a while (about 8 months after D-Day).

Most affair recovery experts will tell you that it takes about two YEARS to get past the initial shock and trauma of discovering an affair. Having lived it, I can tell you that I don't argue that assertation.

I give credit where it's due... Merc, at 3 weeks past D-Day, I was still a blithering idiot. Kudos to you to be this together so early on. But please, don't fool yourself into thinking that you're thinking completely clear at this point. All evidence, and the history of the hundreds of people I've been in contact with over the last 7 years on this subject, tells me that you still have a ways to go.

We all learned to hate that word... TIME. Unfortunately, it really is the only thing that will help.

Look on the bright side... You DO learn patience in all of this...

Cory

Some things in life are problems. Most are inconveniences. Knowing the difference is wisdom.

Thanks to all for the insight. It is difficult to actually take the advice right now. "TIME" will help heal, but I am forever betrayed at so many levels that I can not stay focused on one long enough to get angry, why, because I fill up with sadness. My W is trying, she now calls daily to see how I am doing, says she sorry. I appreciate all your guys time and thoughtfulness. Hope to be somewhere comfortable someday (mentally).

It hurts because you love her. It hurts because the life as you know it, the future is gone. Your marriage has been torn apart and likely will never ever be the same marriage you had. You are hurt and you are grieving what you have lost. That is very normal. We have all been there.

The good news is with alot of work the marriage can be rebuilt to be a different but equally as good marriage.

The experts advise not to make any decisions before the 6 month mark. I have to agree. My emotions got in the way of my better judgement at 3 months when I made my decision. You shouldn't seperate because of emotions because they fluctuate so much through all this.

The above were very good posts and there are many helpful (possibly overwhelming) pieces of sage advice.

Welcome to the site.

Kid

Will do my best to follow your advice. Your first paragraph is so true - maybe I shouldn't be looking for what I had before, because I know I will never get that back. Maybe the key is to find a new relationship with W, one that we can live with, that makes us both happy. That seems far down the road, but puts a light at the end of tunnel. The deep feeling of betrayal seem to be the overwelming emotion, it is going to very difficult for me to overcome. Especially so, since W doesn't get it(yet). It is almost as if W thinks this will pass in a month. Only time will tell, for now I will try to live in the moment. Thanks for insight.

Merc-

She may get it more than you think.

Sometimes the problem is we are not ready to hear that or get through our own pain to see that they are hurting, too.

This is a delicate and bumpy road to navigate. Take care of you, for now. Weave your way through the confusion, and do what you can day to day to get to tomorrow.

Post often.

Jay