As I've mentioned before, it's been 9 months since I busted my H. He says all contact with the OW was stopped in Sept. 2004. Anyway, I can't heal from this until I think that he is facing things. He says it was all his fault; that I am a good wife & he wasn't unhappy. What I don't get is why doesn't he admit things to me? For instance, in one of the emails between them he was so worried that she wouldn't have anything to do with him if she saw him naked.Yet, he denies that they ever had sex & he also said that it wasn't headed that way. Does he think I'm stupid? I read alot of the emails.Why would he write the email about being naked if he wasn't considering it? He wouldn't.Another example: In almost all the emails they talk about being soul mates, best friends forever,& each other's true love. Yet, he denies ever feeling that way. In fact, when I bring up the emails he said that most of them were just them goofing around. NO WAY!!! I don't think we will end up saving this marriage unless he talks honestly with me. When I talk to him about the emails it's always the same:"most of them were just joking around", "I didn't really feel that way",etc. Then when I tell him that he must have meant what he wrote in all those emails, his reply is always something along the lines of "that's your interpertation". I am so sick of this. I believe that he is not being honest with himself or me.Sure I get the usual "I'm sorry", "I F**ked up", "I don't know why I did it", blah, blah, blah,. So, I don't think he's being honest with me & because of that I do not having alot of feelings for him & I certainly don't trust him or want to rebuild a relationship with him.Whe doesn't he understand when I tell him I need for him to admit that he did have those feelings. I feel like the denial on his part is not good for either one of us. He's not really facing up to what he did & he's not being honest with me.So, that just makes me dislike him.Now what? I am getting very tired of waiting!!!!!!
My bet is that he's trying to avoid hurting you which is why he tells you these things. He knows deep in his heart what truly happened and it also trying to avoid the conflict with you. At some point it might click with him that he's hurting you instead of shielding you with the lies. I don't think he will ever admit the true feelings, but I believe he knows.
I don't know if that's the case.See, I've been telling him for the last nine months that it doesn't matter if they had sex or not because an emotional A to me is just as bad if not worse. Besides, I have also told him that him lying to me 4 or 5 times a day for 12 months was the worst thing he could have done. So, I just don't understand why he won't admit the feelings that he had for her or if they had sex. I've told him I can't heal until I know the truth!!
I tried talking to H on the phone a few minutes ago. Same shit. Says he's told me everything. I told him that I don't want him around any tomorrow(he'd talked about being home for an hour or two). I told him that I'm having my Princess birthday with the daycare kids & since he doesn't make me feel like a princess, I don't want him around tomorrow.I was thinking about it all day yesterday after he talked about being home for a few hrs, & it just made me sad.So, he said he'd just work all day like usual.I just don't think I will ever feel the same way about him ever again.
I'm just gonna say it. Do you think he is still cheating? I'm not implying that he is, I just wonder if your not getting anything from him because it could still be going on and he isn't remorseful for it?
I have no way of knowing because he's hardly ever around & I am home doing daycare. He says he's not, but I can't allow myself to believe anything anymore. He says he's sorry & that it's the biggest mistake he's ever made. I've seen her with several guys the last few years, so I really doubt he's seeing her. Besides, I think I scared the shit out of her when I showed up at her apt. in Oct. 2004 & pulled her hair.That was when I just had alittle bit of evidence & they were both denying anything.The last time I saw her was last fall at a local gas station & she was in a pickup with another guy. She never seems to stick with anyone very long.
I am sorry that you feel you are still not getting the whole story. There have been so many BS's who found out that an EA had indeed turned into a PA (or visa versa) but the WS would not admit to it, depending on which they feel is worse. For us, it's just the fact that they lied about it, regardless. But they just dont seem to get that
I hope you have a wonderful party tomorrow anyway. I will be thinking of you ...Carol~
Good for you! It should always be all about you. Perhaps he'll come around soon and tell you everything but it's been so long, I bet he just wants to not talk about it and try to put it all behind him. Believe me, I know how it feels. I'm in the same boat but we're separated because he wouldn't tell me what was going on. Still says he just had EA and not PA although he continues to talk with her on the phone and text message her. I won't have him back until he 'get's it'.
Hope you have a good day!
Last nite was so hard to deal with. I talked to him on the phone & told him that I had had enough of him saying that he & the OW were "just best friends" & that he never loved her. Well guys, I read alot of the 200 emails between them & they both kept saying they were "best friend's forever"> She said her kids liked him & he'd be a good dad. She bragged about the kiss at the office & how nobody saw them. All his emails were about how much he missed her on the weekends, how she was his "one true love". He talked about her sexy short, tight black skirt & how he couldn't wait for warmer weather to see her at work in shorts, etc. Now most of this was in 2004. Do ya know he had the NERVE to still say that they were just friends & that most of the emails were just a joke. We fought on the phone all evening. I threw his stuff in the garage & told him that if he wasn't going to admit that he had loved her & that there were sexual feelings when they kissed(he says there wasn't any) then we might as well get a divorce becuase he was still lying to himself & me. I hate him for this becuase he won't admit it. I told him you don't lie to your wife about a friend, I told him you don't kiss a friend. I told him you don't make a comment about a friend's short,tight black skirt. You especially don't email a "friend" that you are worried about her seeing you naked because you are afraid she would be truned off(he's obese). He did come home about 1 am after work this morning. I've talked to him on the phone today & told him that after the phone conversations last nite I really didn't see much hope because if he thinks they were "just friends" then he is F***ed in the head. I told him he needs to get counciling or I see no hope for us at all.
There may be some here who will disagree with what I am about to say....BUT in my opinion, everything you said was right on the money. You are right, friends don't talk like that to each other, nor do you lie to your wife if it is truly just a friendship. I don't feel other than husband and wife a man should have a woman as a bestfried. I think it would be extremely difficult to stay just friends, especially after all of the intimate conversations that bestfriends have. And if he doesnt admit that to himself and you, then yes, he certainly needs help and something is askew in his head.
I think you have to keep chipping away at that wall he has built up until you get the answers you are seeking, for your own sake and for your marriage. It is hard and it hurts but it is what needs to be done.
Thanks for the big hugs Carol! How are things with you? I am actually having a pretty good day. I am so proud of myself for stating how I feel & sticking to it. I am to the point where it doesn't scare me to think about being apart from him for good.It's all because he actually thinks in his twisted mind that they were "just friends".
Well since you asked....I am a little upset this evening. When I went to pick up the kids after work my MIL told me about a talk she had with H a few nights ago about the trip to Italy. He told his mom he was having anxiety attacks about going and closing the pizzeria (hey, now at least he has some idea of how I feel, lol). He said that he was thinking about all of the money he was going to lose while being closed. So I guess they can keep those stupid Mastercard commercials about family being "priceless". Apparently we are not worth it to H! This will only be the second time in 15 years that we will actually be closing to go on a vacation.
I am glad you are having a good day. Did you get my e-greeting? Take care & enjoy the rest of your evening. Again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ...........Carol~
Carol, thank you so much for the greeting! I had fun making my own pizza!!! It was such a cute card! You really made me smile! Sorry about your H.Is it a good sign that he told his mom what he was feeling or does he always open up to his mom? What was her response to his being upset about closing the business for vacation? Just focus on you & the kids having a good time! And when you're on vacation & he starts acting like an immature ass(not having fun, etc.) just look at him & laugh to yourself!!!Picture a jackass's face(ya know- big ears, big teeth).HA HA!!!!
H & I went to a movie last nite for my birthday & Mother's Day. On the way home I started crying.I can't go out with him & not end up crying. Maybe it's a good thing that we hardly see each other. Then when we got home & went to bed I tried talking to him.I told him that I don't have any good memories about our 17 yrs. together, it all just hurts & makes me sad. I told him that I think I need to be alone for awhile & that maybe he needs to leave. He said he wouldn't like it but would do whatever I needed.
Barb...I have a question. Are you still reading the e-mails that they wrote to one another or simply recalling the content and remembering it over and over again? I am just curious. Here is my take on it. Maybe he did mean those things when he wrote them to her....that was two years ago. Do you think it is possible that he now realizes that it was a silly, foolish thing and it was simply "infatuation"? From what I can gather, some individuals need to rally in others paying that much attention to them. Look at your busy lives. He was supposed to share with you his feelings, which he obviously did not....he shared them wiht her...she was there, you weren't. My question is, isn't it possible that he no longer has those feelings and simply wants to forget that he ever did? That is not an excuse for not sharing what you need to hear. I think we all know the profile of the WS...they simply want to put it behind them and not think about it anymore. that's not to discount your need to know what happened, but maybe you could make a pact with ourself to not ask any questions for 2 days? I always have to say to myslef..."Don't ask the questions if you aren't ready for the answers"....I simply avoid asking the questions. Again, are you still reading the e-mails? If you are, is it possible for you to not do that for maybe a short period of time? You are simply revisit the pain everytime you read them, aren't you? You might not be reading them and simply remembering what was said and still wanting the answers to your questions. I wish we could all just LIVE THE QUESTIONS and trust that the answers will come. I can't do that either. I am so sorry that you are in the dumps....this process really sucks.
"Again, are you still reading the e-mails? If you are, is it possible for you to not do that for maybe a short period of time? You are simply revisit the pain everytime you read them, aren't you?"
Sages advice is excellent. I know in the initial stages of my ex's A I also kept re reading their (OW's and H's) e-mails back and forth to each other and every time I did it, it was like bile rose in my stomach and I hated him all over again. When we seemed to be working things out, it went much better after I stopped reading those.
I still have a huge folder of those e-mails that I had printed out for my lawyer and, on occasion when ex is being real nice and I miss some tiny aspect of our past relationship, all it takes is for me to read one and I am reminded why exactly I am happy to be away from him. LOL
No, I am not rereading the emails. H deleated all of them the nite I busted him.I never did read all of them. I wish I had because maybe then I'd have more pieces of the puzzle. I guess it doesn't matter. I read enough of them to make me sick.