I have been reading these posts for a couple of days now and wish I could have found it sooner...I am still trying to get through this A. D-Day
Feb01-06. My W and I have been together 17yrs, have six kids and one on the way. It seems that things get clearer after a couple of months but at the beginning it was awful. I threw up for three days, lost 13lbs in 17days stopped working for two months and talked non stop with W to try and salvage
things. She was ambivalent to my emotional response and that made things worse for me..she slept with the first on a trip with a friend, a one night stand with a guy that told her he had herpes before they left the bar..then came home and nursed our baby girl and had sex with me. That was in Oct. I did not know why she was so upset and saying things like our marriage had to much history and she did not know if she wanted to be a mother anymore..it was crazy. I trusted her totally and we had a trusting relationship I thought. Then in Jan. she went out on a art day "days we agreed that were for her to develop some alone time and artistic inspiration" and just told this complete stranger that she would like to give him oral sex. They met at his apt. and did stuff without protection and she had sex with me later. Then in Feb we were talking...I was telling her that she was changing, and I was noticing she was looking at guys rather long in front of me and stuff...I told her she should be careful or she might make a mistake and get in trouble...that is when she said too late. We have gone to a P and made some progress on issues that have been in our marriage... ones I thought we were trying to work on together already...like her being raped and alcoholic family and possibly molestation. I am tyring to understand her perspective on reasons and such but keep blaming myself off and on.
Welcome to the site. I'm sorry you had to find us.
Ok...hopefully deep down in your gut you know there's nothing you could have done to stop it. This was NOT your fault. Your W was rolling down hill ever since the first time she was violated as a child. I'll take a wild guess and say I doubt that was ever dealt with...at least properly with expert help.
I would highly suggest getting her into seeing a counsellor that specializes in child abuse. That pain is still there and will continue to resurface in destructive ways until that is dealt with.
The last thing this was about was/is you Don.
In the meantime...what are you doing for you?
There are 3 healings going on here: yours, hers and the marriage. Work on the one you do have some control over...yours. MC is great but she needs to deal with the issues that led her to that point. In other words don't put the cart before the horse.
Thank you for posting. This is a site full of understanding, thoughtful people who have stories to tell similar to yours.
This is one of the most difficult times you will ever weave your way through. Take care of you. Sleep, eat, and see a professional for your own needs. What happened had nothing to do with you.
I am no expert, but it seems as if yor W is in the midst of some type of breakdown. She needs help as well.
Her behavior, at the very least is highly destructive and incredibly self-destructive.
I am sorry you are going through this, and sorry for your pain.
I too am very sorry for what you are going through.
FYI: I have a very abusive childhood, including sexual abuse. That does not prompt one to have affairs, however how one deals with things may. I just want you to know that. It might be an explanation on how she has learned to handle things and have boundaries issues, but it's not an excuse.
You did nothing wrong. It's not your fault she has chosen to act so destructively, to you, your family and herself.
Please keep posting.
Please be good to yourself.
This message has been edited by mja55428 on May 22, 2006 11:08 AM