Well we are back from vacation in Cancun. We had a good time while we were there.H was more attentive than he has ever been, it was nice for a change.I told him while we were still there that i knew we we got home he would go back to the same old person, not communicating, not being attentive and all that, but he said "no i will always be this way now", but guess what as soon as we get home ,he was back to the old person.
I am still having so many issues with the "why" of all this. How could a man i loved and trusted so much do this to me and to us?? There are days i want to save my marriage and there are days i don't. I lokk at my H sometimes and really feel i hate him , i ask myself alot , will i ever be able to look at him with love and respect again.The A alone was enough to devastate me, but the type of woman this was with has totally crushed me, my self-esteem and everything else. He swears there were never feelings for her only one thing. He says he new what kind of woman she was and that was all he wanted. Sure he swears he was only with her a few times, which i have told you all before, and the story behind it are at least what he told me that went on.But still how could he have even wanted to do this?? Will i ever be able to love him again. Yes he is still living here but it feels more like we are roomates most of the time.
He did write the letter to me with all the dates and details of every incounter with the OW , like our MC ask him to do. But i am still not sure he is telling me everything. He says it is all in the letter. But i guess i will always wonder if i know the whole truth.It has been 8 months since D-Day. When will i ever be ME??
Kathy

I am so sorry you are feeling these things that you did not ask for...It is obvious that you are in love because it seems love does not have a defense system to keep those we are in love with from having all of us...If we were callous or ready then would we really be in love. I think this about the pain I am feeling...like a gauge of just how real I am and have always been towards my W. Every thing I have been was 100% and I will not let her actions steal one moment of my sincerity because it is how I define my worth.

Glad you had a nice vacation! Sorry that things are back to the way you didn't want them to be. I have almost the exact same feelings that you do.Even my sex life sucks now. He still loves it but I don't.He even robbed me of that.I do survive each day but I don't feel like I have a husband or even a close friend.I feel totally different about him.This whole things just sucks!!! Take care!

Vacation Over....I think the trust can be reestablished. In time...which is what it is, time. I have a quote I want to share....it is about asking the questions. I came across it years ago..it has helped me to stop and think about things....maybe it will be of some use to you. You will NEVER know the truth...maybe he is telling you the whole truth...maybe he is not. HOW will you ever know? You won't. You have to trust yourself on this one...YOU are the only one you can trust...pay attention to what comes up for you. I really believe that in time, the trust will return.
I guess one of the "lessons" that we have all learned from this experience is that we can only count on ourselves and really trust ourselves. That is a sad lesson in life to have to learn. I thought part of the partnership in marriage was the security...but I guess we can't get that from anyone but ourselves. Here is the quote.

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the fturure, you will gradually without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

Howdy Kathy,

Cancun is alot of fun isn't it? Like most vacations spots its a way to escape the daily grind of normal life. So you got back home...and things returned to normal? Is that really a bad thing?

<<<I am still having so many issues with the "why" of all this.>>>

Ok what could he say that would make some lightbulb moment come on...that "aha" moment? I bet nothing. We try to find logical answers for something that is illogical in our minds. Alcohol, drugs, mental issues...whatever...anything so we can try to make sense of it. Truth is they decided too for whatever reason. I am one of those who believe most folks don't even know they are in one until it crosses the line into physical.

<<<He did write the letter to me with all the dates and details of every incounter with the OW , like our MC ask him to do>>>

Ok...what more can he do? Is your gut telling you there's more or are you afraid? If you are afraid tell him that. "I appreciate your honesty but I'm scared you will hurt me again if i commit 100%. I feel like I need to protrect myself."

Yes he needs to bust through those walls Kathy, but you need to let him be able to do that. Are you?

<<<When will i ever be ME??>>>

When you decide too.

Much Regards,

Tex

Sage, i would love to be able to trust myself again, but i don't even trust myself , let alone my H. I guess the reason for that is , i truely trusted my H with all my heart. I would have bet my life that he would never do anything like this. So there goes my trust in myself. But he is trying to some degree to help me.

Tex, i always love to hear from you! You make things not to seem as bad as they are. Or at least as bad as i think they are.
Yes Cancun was an escape for awhile, and we had a good time. There were a few triggers but we got through them.
You are right nothing is logical about any of this.
Am i afraid , YES, i am so scared to give him my trust and my heart again. He crushed it.I really don't think i could ever go through this again.
He has been trying and writing the letter was part of it.but the non-trusting non-believing side of me still questions if it is the whole truth. Lying use to come so easy for him , how do i know he still isn't??
I love my H but i am soooooo very afraid to love him, you know what i mean?
I need to protect my heart.
Thanks for your guys word of wisdom. I really appreciate them!!!
Kathy

Howdy Kathy,

<<< i would love to be able to trust myself again, but i don't even trust myself >>>

Then you know where to start. Start with you. Let him "work" for lack of a better word, back in and to find out why he convinced himself it was ok to step outside the marriage.

I know he wants this over, as do you... who wouldn't? All he has to do is put himself in your position. I would bet his first instinct is to leave...like all of us right?

As I told Barb, he needs to work his butt off to bust through those walls, but you need to be open to it.

If you aren't there yet, tell him. Is there anything he CAN do? If yes. Tell him. If not. Tell him.

His response hopefully will be he is there when you are ready.

Time Kathy...give youself lots of time.

Much Regards,

Tex

Tex his excuse to why is ,"i thought i wasn't happy in this marriage and i had no regards for you or this family"
This is the only thing he can come up with for the WHY questions.But if that is the reason , then why wasn't he happy and why does he think he is now???He keeps using the marriage was in a rut excuse.He says he just didn't realize how much his marriage meant to him and how important it was to him and how much he did love me and still does.But again why did he feel that way??
Kathy

<<<He keeps using the marriage was in a rut excuse.He says he just didn't realize how much his marriage meant to him and how important it was to him and how much he did love me and still does.>>>

kathy,

That does make sense he didn't realize what he had until he almost lost it.

<<<But again why did he feel that way??>>>

Ask him. Why exactly did he feel like that marriage was in a rut?

His excuse to why is ,"i thought i wasn't happy in this marriage and i had no regards for you or this family"

This is similar to what my W said and it did not make any since to me either...I found this book about emotional incest which explained some of the thoughts she was having about not wanting to keep the marriage just between us...these A's are not about us and yet we are the ones who search hardest for the answers, we are the ones who feel the sting of why, we need to know and can not seem to find peace to the question....like looking for something we could change or fix in the past that would make this not happen, make the pain go away. It feels like this to me.

Gosh, we sound so much alike!! I am sorry that we are both going thru this crap.My H says that he loved me the whole time & valued me the whole time. He says that he just lost track of what's important. I don't get it!!!

Tex you have a good point , maybe he didn't realize what he had until now. You know, i haven't ask him why he thought the marriage was in a rut, but i will tonight, but if it was in a rut i was in the same rut and i didn't cheat.

Don you are so right we are the ones hurt but yet we are the ones that search the hardest for answers. We hurt everyday while they seem to be able to put it behind them.I just doesn't seem fair , does it?I was always the one that could fix things , make them right , if there was a problem in the past, but this i can't fix. I don't even know where to start.It is just so hard to understand how someone you loved and trusted so very much for such a long time could ever hurt you like this.There is just NOTHING fair about this crap!!!

Barbara, yes we do seem to be so much alike. I still want to talk to you sometime. I tried to call you yesterday but no answer.I will try again soon.

Kathy

kathy

Try to remember when you are asking him why he did this that alot of the time they are thinking that they will never get caught. I keep asking my W why and she did not have a reason, so I kept asking until she came up with a reason just to have a reason. She knows now that this was not the real reason for doing what she did, she was in a fog and was having fun and her family was the not in her though process. They are not doing this to us they are doing it for themselves, it is a hard pill to swallow but we just are not in the thought process while this is going on.

You also said it bothered you knowing what sort of a girl she was. Mine was a good friend, after reading this board for awhile I have learned there is no person that is easier to accept that this happened with.

I was reading your post becasue we too went to Cancun and had a great time only to come back to the same old mess. Good Luck

Howdy Kathy,

<<<He keeps using the marriage was in a rut excuse.He says he just didn't realize how much his marriage meant to him and how important it was to him and how much he did love me and still does>>>

I guess my question(s) would be: (and that's buying the excuse)

1) Did he tell you he thought it was in a rut? Did he try to tell you and you didn't hear or listen?
2) Did he try to fix it? if so...how?
3) What happens the next time he feels its in a rut? How will he handle it differently?
4) What made him realize how much he loves you? He could have lost you forever? What is he doing to ensure he DOESN'T lose you?

Every marriage goes through peaks and valleys. Heck, every relationship does where you spend alot of time with someone. We could all be at our best, on our best behavior for a few hours and days here and there.

My question would still be...what made it ok...over and over and over? Afterall you can't fix anything when you aren't there.

In your H defense Kathy...I think he's still searching. Affair recovery I think is like an onion...sounds stupid I know...but you literally DO have to pull off the layers. And of course...if you pull those same layers off the wrong way...the result is even more tears.

Much Regards,

Tex

No my H never told me why he thought our marriage was in a rut.As a matter of fact i was the one that use to tell him that our marriage was getting in a rut We just didn't communicate very well. Which was mostly by his choice. He has never been very good at commuicating with me, or with any one on a deep level. He is very friendly and out going to everyone but just on a casual level.He has never been one to show alot of attention to me,but it just got worse over the years.his parents never showed each other in love or attention. But over the years i have told him i didn't want to end up with a marriage like they had.
<What has made him realize that he loves me now> He says because he knows now what he could lose, and he didn't realize that i loved him this much. That i just don't understand, if he questioned my love in his mind , why didn't he just ask me if i still loved him???Maybe we both got caught up in our busy lifes and forgot to make time for the other one, but i still don't think that is a reason to look for sex with someone else.But it wasn't like we didn't have sex with each other because we did, so why did he did to with someone else.I do believe him when he says he didn't have any feelings for the OW , that it was for sex only. They were together a total of 5 times and i do have the phone records and the calls were only about once a month for about 8 months. He says he only used her for sex, but again why did he feel the need to do that??
No matter what it was for , it still hurts like hell, and my self-esteem is the lowest it could ever be.I just wish i knew how to get over this mess and have a normal life. It is hard to look at my H with respect right now. Will i ever be able to??
Kathy

By the way Tex you reminded me of Shrek , talking about onions and layers!!LOL! Just kidding, you can tell i have a DayCare, to many kid's movies!!But i got your point.

Howdy Kathy,

You still have so many questions. How is your H answering them? Have you brought them up during MC?

Are you being honest with him also?... telling him what YOU need and why?

If communication was/is a problem between you both...bring it up...again if necessary...with your MC.

Regards,

Tex

We have talked to the MC about communicating . He always says he will do better, and sometimes he does but then after awhile it goes back to the old way.
At times i think he is trying the best he knows how right now, i guess i just need more.
Did you get my edited message on the last post? I hope you know i was just kidding with you.
Kathy

LOL...yes ma'am I saw it. I think I'm more like Donkey...ya know...an ass.

Bring it up again in MC Kathy...see if the MC can come up with something.

Regards,

Tex