I’ve been reading this site for the past month or so and I must admit reading alone has been a great help. It seems as though so many of the emotions, experiences and struggles are common to us all, almost every posting addresses something I am trying to deal with.

It’s been almost three months since I discovered my W’s A and I still find it every bit as surreal as I did on the d-day. She says it has been an EA only (phone calls, e-mails and so on) and had never even considered the possibility of a PA, but as we all are familiar with the feeling, I don’t know when and if I should believe what she tells me anymore. She told me so many lies-some really pathetic- I have no trust for her whatsoever. The OM (married with 4 children) has been both of our mentors in graduate school, so it’s a double betrayal which makes it much more difficult for me to deal with. Now my W is remorseful and says she is fully committed to work on our marriage. She says there has been no contact between her and the OM since the d-day and that there’s only me for her. Although the OM has told her he’s in love with her, my W says she has never felt the same romantic feelings for him. According to her she was just enjoying the confidence, strength, and support she was getting from this relationship. She says she cared for him and he became too important in her life but she was never in love with him. She considers him more than a friend but less than a lover. I don’t know about the rest of you but I really have a hard time understanding what she means by all this. I think she is deluding herself with this vague classification so she can feel less bad about what she did. I’d be curious to see if any of you had any thoughts on this.

So, for the last 3 months we’ve been trying to work things out and save our marriage. We’ve been married for almost 13 years now and we have a beautiful 3 year old son. We both feel we have enough reasons to press on with the hard work ahead. But as you all know, it’s a daily struggle and sometimes even overwhelming. To her credit, my W has been trying her hardest. She has been patient, open, loving and supportive. Even with that, so many times I ask myself what it is that I’m fighting for and why. I feel that this A has taken away so much from our relationship in the form of trust, intimacy and joy I wonder what kind of relationship we can build from here and on. I guess it boils down to this: I lost my best friend, will I get her back or will I end up with a second best?
KC

My h's first affair was nearly 7 years ago(d-day 6/15/99)and was, according to him, physical but not sexual.(They dated, kissed, but never had sex. It lasted 10 months) He swore to me that he would NEVER HURT ME AGAIN. He told me that when you put your hand on a hot stove and get burned, you learn never to do it again.

Whatever.

The second d-day was this year in February(d-day 2/17/06). This affair was, according to him, emotional but not physical. (They "dirty flirted on the phone and in text messages but never had ANY physical contact. It lasted 2 months)

Whatever.

An affair is an affair and they all cause horrible pain and suffering for the betrayed partner.

I am still with him. He says he is so sorry and he has learned his lesson. He tried to tell himself that this time was different because there was nothing physical. He knows he lied to not only me, but also himself. He now knows that there are no loop holes, no excuses, no explaining his actions away. An affair is an affair and everything about them is wrong. He loves me, wants to save our marriage and will never have another affair of any type ever again.

Whatever.

It is hard to believe someone who has ripped out your heart, stomped on it over and over and then handed what was left of it back to you with Band-Aids™ and Scotch™ tape wrapped around it.

It is now up to both of you what will happen in your marriage and if your marriage can be saved. It won't be easy for either of you and it won't be a quick process. I have read that it can work, you can both heal and it can even be better than it was before.

Whatever.

You AND your wife should read the book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass. http://www.shirleyglass.com/introduction.htm There are many other books(check out the resource link at the top of the boards page), but this one really helps understand the dangers of emotional affairs and how "just" being friends can escalate into much more.

Come here often. Read here often. Post here often. You will meet wonderful, caring people who have thoughtful ideas and opinions. (Not all are as cynical as I am. Sorry! I am still hurting from this latest betrayal.) Try to get your wife to come here and read, maybe even post on the open board. It will do you both a world of good.

My thoughts are with you.

aanisah

Love isn't in the falling----it's in the staying there.

Forgive me if this was written elsewhere, but how did you find out about the A? I've had so many d-day's I've lost count of the when's and where's - just suffice it to say it's been a really long time that I've been dealing with my H's infidelity. I won't say it has gotten any easier for me, but the feelings have changed and the way I deal with things has improved over time. We are still trying to save our M, and the A has ended, but it is still very, very, hard. The one thing I will say to you is that it sounds like your W is at least trying to be honest and responsible so you have something to build on. From a female perspective, I can see how a relationship with a mentor could evolve into an EA. Having someone show constant care and concern for you and offering guidance and support can be very intoxicating. Not that this in any way excuses her improper behavior or makes it less painful for you. Please just know you're not alone.

Sym.....Here is what came up for me as I read your post. My thoughts centered around the difference between a "best" friend and the relationsip that your W has/had wiht the OM. Could it be that they were just really good friends and found it easy to talk with one another? I think your W has been upfront with her comments about her not having romantic relationships. I have a very best friend who is a male and I can confide with him about anything. We are just very good friends, but I was a good friend with my H as well. Is it not possible for her to be just "connected" with him at some level? I can certainly understand the "jealously" but she didn't seem to be threated by it, or did she? Did she indicate that she was talking to him about things that she should not have been? That she would confide in him before you? I often talked to my good friend about things that I would not talk to my H about because my H would have such a "defensive" response. Perhaps she is the same way, or at least her inability to discuss some things with you are that way? Ask her if she has told him things that she could not feel comfortable confiding in you about...there in lies the question. What subjects did they discuss that she felt she could not discuss with you? If there are none, perhaps he was just someone there at the time she needed someone. Again, my H's career was so demanding that he would not want to be "bothered" with some of the things that I wanted to talk about. That was Okay with me, I had my friend with whom I could talk about things. Just some thoughts.

Thank you aanisa, disbelieving and sage for your responses. Sometimes it feels great just to know someone is listening. I have kept this A stuff from my family and my friends, so I don't really have much of anyone to share my misery with.

aanisa, I've visited the link and will definitely read the book-seems very appropriate in our case. I'm sorry you had to go through this mess a second time around. I have some idea how devastated you must be. But I also admire your strength to be here on this site encouraging newbies such as myself.
disbelieving, I found out about my W's A when I came accross one of her cell phone bills. I notices she had called a number at a very odd time (past midnight) and talked for about 45 minutes. This had happened when I had to be with my family to help take care of my father who was going through chemo/radiotherapy for cancer. Then I noticed she had called that number numerous times during the day (almost obsessively at times) for quite a few billing cycles. Of course, I heard a string of pathetic lies for approximately two days, after which she came clean. I think she has told me everything but this nagging voice at the back of my mind keeps me doubting pretty much everything she says. It was very insightful of you to mention about the intoxicating power of constant concern and support shown by a mentor. That is exactly how my W describes the situation. She also says hearing the OM say "he was hopelessly falling in love with her" was also very flattering and made her feel good and confident. That sort of selfishness is rather sickening though, isn't it?

Sage, my W admits that it was an EA. She says it was beyond "a good friendship". She said she never told him she was in love with him but told him she deeply cared for him, whatever the nuance might be here. Besides, she knew it was inappropriate to be secretly corresponding with a married man declaring his love for her. Where she thought it was going to end up is beyond me. Sometimes her take on events at the time the A was happening is such that I can't honestly tell whether she was so naive or plain stupid! For example, when I asked her if she ever made it clear to him she would not return his feelings (apparently he kept asking) she said no, because she liked hearing those romantic stuff from him. And, yes, she does tell me the conversations contained stuff she would not have wanted me to hear as well as professional topics. In fact, she cleared her e-mail boxes before I could read any of the correspondence just so I would not have to read those inappropriate conversations. This actually is very unsettling because in the absence of those e-mails, I tend to fill in the gaps myself which is not the best material really. She says she has told me all the details but...

It's been really difficult dealing with this. I never thought I'd be in this situation, but here I am. It's been pretty much hell over the past couple of months. I miss my old life and most of all I miss my best friend.

Kaan

Hi KC,
If I were you I'd listen to your intuition. My wife also 'fell' for attention. When I found out, the affair was explained to me as being an emotional affair. My wife fessed-up to the physical only after I pressed the minor differences in information I was told or found out on my own.

My wife was so scared of divorce she lied to protect me and the family. She never would have told the truth otherwise.

Good luck with your situtaion, I hope you learn the whole story so you can at least be informed.

Joniie