Well, things were going fine! I talked to H at 9pm last nite. Then my son woke me up at 3am to say that dad wasn't home yet. At 4:30 am I called & left a message on his cell phone. He called around 5 & got home around 5:30 am. He doesn't understand why I am upset. I told H that it shows little concern for me when he goes from 9pm until 5am without calling me. He used the excuse that I've heard before"I knew you were sleeping & didn't want to wake you up". Last time he used that excuse I told him that he needs to call because this really upsets me & ruins any little bit of trust that I might have been starting to have in him.Why doesn't he get it?
Sometimes the ultimate hardest lesson in all of this mess is the fact that whatever understanding must occur, or whatever 'getting it', has to come from ourselves.
I think most people do what they "feel" is best, what they would want someone to do if the shoe was on the other foot. That is not the same as what you want or what you have asked for and they do not see the logic in it. While I see the thinking in his eyes, he trusts you, but the point here is that you have asked to be called and he does not call. It doesnt matter why he doesnt call. By him not calling as you have asked, and you have expressed your feelings as to why you want to be called, he is not taking your feelings into consideration. You're right, he doesnt get it. The phone calls are to make you feel more secure and a great opportunity for him to earn more trust. He just doesnt see it that way, and he is not able to take your feelings into consideration. This is a form of invalidationg your feeling and this shows his selfishness.
My H does teh same thing. My H took off Easter morning to help some one move a backhoe. I asked him not to go and told him why and how I feel. He went anyway. He said he would call from the guys cell phone, and I said not to bother, that I didnt want to talk to him if he left. He called anyway! It is the samething. H was not concerned for my feelings. This is an obsticle for sure. This is why we have such a hard time staying in the relationship. If our feelings do not matter and are not taken into consideration by our spouse, then we are basically being told that we do not matter. They are invalidating our feelings and thinking only of how they feel. This is not how marriage is supposed to be. We are supposed to have equal say and our feelings should matter just as much as theirs. It is this invalidation that gives us that sense of dread and being invisible and makes it impossible for our needs to be met in the relationship.
You're right Carol, "a sense of dread". I hate this whole mess. When he does things like this it makes me want to just end things.It makes me just want to give up. Why bother? Of course, all he says is"I'm sorry".I don't buy it. He did what he wanted to do by not calling.He knows I have told him to call no matter what time it is.He just showed me that he doesn't care. OUCH again! Back to square one.
Maybe our H's are conjoined twins, sperated at birth, lol. And it's not that they dont care, it more like they just don't hear what we are saying...they don't get it. No comprende!
What I wrote in my previous reply was what my C said to me when I expressed my hurt over H going to help the guy with the backhoe on Easter and not taking my feelings into consideration. And he was right, of course.
Here is where it is up to us to change things. If we react differently to what they do, then we are changing us, not them. If a relationship is to evolve, we must change as individuals. You cannot force others to change themselves. But when we change the way we react, others react to us differently, thus changing the dynamics of the relationship. The problem is that I did what I always do when H left on Easter and I did not uphold my boundary and there were no consequences for his actions. So here comes that word again BOUNDARIES. It is all tied together...a delicate balancing act. Upset the balance! Change things by changing how you react. I am learning this by taking care of myself. I always took care of H. Now it is time for me.
They say we teach people how to treat us..well, if we treat oursleves well and do not let others walk all over us, then perhaps we will be treated better. It's worth a try if you ask me and it certainly cannot hurt. Do what is right for you. Take care of you and love yourself. Eventually H will react to that change. If not, then you are in a better place than you were...you are stronger and more self reliant. Work on you...who you are and what you want. I know how hard that is for us "caretaker" and "doormat" types, but that is the only way we can free ourselves from all of this hurt and pain. We are worth it Barb
.
Take care...Carol~
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Jun 1, 2006 10:53 AM
Thanks Carol. I just do not know what to do in this situation.What consequences do I give for him not calling me?. Like I mentioned before, I have told him that he needs to call even if I am asleep. I take the cordless phone to bed with me & I have told him I don't mind him waking me up. So,last nite was like the 3rd time where he's been gone all nite & hasn't called. Now what? I can't just act like I don't care or am not hurt.I tried to explain that it was inconsiderate of him not to call.I tried to explain to him that it takes me back to square one as far as trusting him goes.Sometimes I think he just needs to move out.
Of course, all he says is"I'm sorry".I don't buy it. He did what he wanted to do by not calling.He knows I have told him to call no matter what time it is.He just showed me that he doesn't care. OUCH again! Back to square one.
Maybe, just maybe, he did not want to upset the little sleep you are getting.
Maybe, just maybe, he is exercising his 'independence' cause he feels he is on too tight a 'leash'.
Maybe, just maybe, he forgot.
Maybe, just maybe, he is teased by his co-workers for having to answer to his wife.
Maybe, just maybe, if your requests are not answered you may reconsider their validity thru your H's eyes.
Hmmm... 3rd time in a row he's been gone all night and hasn't called? Perhaps there is a reason you should not trust him. Have you done the necessary digging to find out why he stays out all night?
You asked exactly what I was thinking - what should the consequence be for breaking certain boundaries, or not following through? On one hand you may not want to throw the baby out with the bath water and say "well you didn't call me again so let's get divorced", but on the other, what else can you do and still stand up for yourself? I feel like all I do is end up whining about what he should have done, or telling for the umpteenth time why what he did was so hurtful. What is the proper consequence?
If he received a call from you on his cell phone, why didn't he answer? Or at least call you back. If you are calling him, you are obviously not asleep..... So the "I didn't want to wake you" excuse falls a little short. Don't fall for the "My battery was dead" excuss either. I don't know about you but I'm tierd of that line as well
Boundaries are difficult when you have never had any or hard to reinforce them. Basically a boundary is telling someone what you will and will not accept. And it's not that you make the other suffer for crossing the line but that you react in a way that says "nope, Im not going to put up with that". How you react to a crossed boundary is up to you, it is your boundary not his.
When H asks me if I can cut his hair, I say then you must come home at a reasonable time or I will be too tired to cut your hair. Everything necessary has been stated. If H wants a haircut all he has to do is be home in time. If he is not home within a reasonable amount of time after the pizzeria closes then I wont cut his hair. My boundary, my reaction to him coming home too late. It's that simple some of the time, and at other times it is much more complicated.
You must start off with stating what your boundaries are, what you expect him to do and how you will react if he crosses the line. But when they are crossed you cannot keep moving the line, that says "doormat". If H came home really late and still expected me to cut his hair and I did, then I did not uphold my boundary. Next time I say come home early enough if you want your hair cut, he will think it is no big deal and come home late as usual and expect me to cut his hair and so I do it because I did it before, what's the big deal? This is teaching someone that you are indeed a doormat, and inturn they will treat you like one.
You ask him to call and he didn't! How can you react in a way to say this is unacceptable to you? Only you can answer that but, try to look at it this way, how can you react differently than you have been, because it is obviously not working? You stated that if he does not call then you will trust him less. Well, you stated all you needed to. He didnt call, therefore he is less trustworthy in you eyes. If he wants you to trust him he will call. If he doesnt honor your feelings and boundary by calling, then you trust him less. Plain and simple. This will show up in other areas where he expects that you should trust him, and when you dont trust him, it is his is not doing what is necessary to build up that trust, like the phone calls. So when he asks "why don't you trust me?", you can say because you do not act in trusting ways. I asked you to call and you didnt. I told you by calling it would help me trust you more. You have not built up enough trust, therefore I do not trust you on this."
These are just examples to try to help you understand what upholding a boundary means and how by not upholding your boundaries you become a "doormat" and are teaching people how treat you. I definately learned this the hard way. You lose who you are when others cross the line, so you have to hold the line to hold onto who you are. The line can be flexible, it is your boundary and your can change it, but there still has to be a line
Why don't you just call him incessantly, and maybe he'll get the message and call you when he's supposed to. That is the consequence. Call him every hour. I'm serious.
Well, he actually has been having trouble with his cell phone but there are pay phones. Anyway, I just kicked him out. I can't deal with it anymore. Bottom line is if he cared enough he would have called. I can't let him not respect me. I am scared & heartbroken. He is upstairs packing. The kids know he is going.I just don't know what has caused him to change so much over the last few years. It's so weird. I'm so tired of crying & being hurt.
Wow! What a horrible night & day you've had. Is this a temp. move out or do you think it is REALLY over? I'm so sorry for the pain you must be feeling right now. Stay strong and demand what you know you deserve. I hope that his packing his bags is a step in the right direction - whatever that direction is.
I just got out of the shower. Was hoping he'd be gone but he's still upstairs.When I tried to talk to him & ask him why he does these things(not call, not write the letter I've asked for for over a yr., etc) he just has smart-ass answers because he's been up since 9am yesterday & he's grumpy. I don't know if it's over or not. At this point I don't see much hope because he's not doing what I need to heal. He SAYS he loves me more than anything BUT I don't see it. Not much I can do. I've tried to do special things for him lately. He loved the anniversary book, & he likes the fact that I've been packing his lunch everyday. So, I've been doing my part.I can't make him do what I need. None of it cost much money;just alittle thought, caring, & time. Guess I'm not worth any of that to him.I feel sorry for the kids too. They keep getting dragged along on this rollercoaster ride from hell.
You're right, you can't make him understand or make him do the things you need him to. It is exhausting trying to make them "get it". It sounds as if you have been the one making all the effort. At least you know that you really did try. The balls in his court now. My ex sounds a bit like your H. All words - no action. Has he moved out before or is this the first time? If you don't mind me asking, how old are your kids? The happier you make yourself, the happier your children will be.
Beginnings are scary, Endings are usually sad, It's whats in the middle that counts- from the movie Hope Floats.
Sherrie
God, Barb i am sorry for you right now. I know that had to be a hard decision. I know how much you are hurting and it seems like there is just no end to this mess we are in.But i wish you the best and i hope you find peace somehow in all of the crazyness.
Call me if you need to talk.
Kathy
Well, just got back from urgent care with my 11 yr. old daughter. She fell off her bike 2 days ago & I had been asking H to take her in & get it x-rayed. He kept saying he thought it was just a sprain. Anyway, even our daughter kept asking if she could go to the Dr. We don't have insurance & he didn't want the expense. So, today I asked him before he left if he could please take her to urgent care. He said "no" because he didn't have the time. He got smart-assed with me & ask if I was so concerned why hadn't I taken her.Well, I told him I have daycare & they come & go at different times. Finally I just said"Fine, I'll take her now". I woke up my 19 yr. old & had her watch the kids. Sure enough the x-rays showed a fracture.So, now she has a cast on. I have left H approx. 8 messages & still haven't heard from him. He's probably sleeping in his truck. Anyway, my next problem is to deal with the garage. The washer overflowed & everything is molding & stinky out there. Lots of my stuff got ruined.Now I have to find time to dump all the stuff in garbage bags & then find someone to haul everything to the dump. I can't rely on my H for things. He said he would pay his part of the bills. We'll see.
Barbarapat: I'm so sorry it has come to this. ((((Barbarapat))))
In reading through this thread, I just kept thinking, "What would be a consequence? She can't make him call. What could Barbara take away?" I got my question answered. You took away you. You are his safety net. Hopefully he will value you and all the things you do. A phone call to check in is hardly an imposition. And it wasn't one call - it was the pattern of not calling, not being concerned, not responding to your feelings when you did voice them - the first time!
And then the washer, too! Oh good gawd. I wish I could drive my old truck to your place and help you haul stuff out. Take care of your self, Barb.
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. My H never has time either...not for anything around the house, me or the kids. He only has time for the pizzeria and smoking pot. These guys have their prorities all mixed up and they are very selfish. And of course you are worth it Barb, dont ever think that you're not. He is being forced to figure out why he does what he does and he just wants to avoid everything so when you push for things he doesnt know what to do...he just doesnt want to deal with it...doesnt have the time, I know
The kids suffer so much too, like your daughter. My yougest had complications from the flu when he was about 2 years old. He became dehydrated and started posturing. I had to rush him to the emergency room, it was about 8pm. We close the pizzeria at 10pm and H didnt show up until 1am. The ER is only 10 minutes from the pizzeria. He showed totally stoned anbd my guess is he was with OW at the time. How's that for concern for his child?
I hope things get better....Carol~
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Jun 1, 2006 5:42 PM
I finally got hold of H on the phone. He's still having phone problems. I told him he needed to talk to our daughter & apolpgize for not taking her to the dr. sooner.He said the usual "I'm sorry". I then talked to him for about 10 minutes on the phone. I told him that it was very selfish for him not to call me during the nite. He said that he realizes that now. I know he realized it last nite to. Like I told him "You are in total control of yourself & what you do". I told him that his actions show that he really doesn't care.He said that he didn't want to call & wake me. I told him that that excuse will not work because I have told him that he needs to call no matter what. I told him before that he needs to use a pay phone if his phone isn't working right. He knew all of this. There are no excuses. Then I told him that there are no excuses for not taking care of our kids. That we are their parents & we are supposed to take care of them. I asked hi why he hasn't taken them to the dentist or done anything about getting insurance. He says he doesn't know what to do. I told him that all the kids have toothaches & that there is a low income clinic that he can take them to. I can't do it because you have to get in line at 6am & I already have kids at that time. I told him he just needs to do things; just like I did by taking our daughter to urgent care today.I told him to quit playing games with me. I told him if he doesn't care & wants a divorce than just do it. Don't get my hopes up by being nice for awhile & then doing inconsiderate things like not calling last night. He said he has to plug his phone in & try to get it to charge again.I do believe tha it's true because the phone isn't charging right.He siad he'd call as soon as it charges in a few hrs.In the mean time I need to think about what is best for us.He says he wants to work things out. Well, his actions haven't shown much.
I gotta tell ya none of this looks good on either your H or you. In 2 days neither of you could find the time for your D to be checked out? Was it even a priority? To be honest I would have seen "oh before you leave...can you do this..." Can you blame him for doubting? Afterall if it did seem that important whoever was there would have taken care of it.
Unforunately the next problem isn't the washer and dryer...its going to be explaining to your D why after she said she was hurt why no one did anything. This will be whether its acknowledged or not something that will stick in her mind.
I hate to see marriages fall apart or seperations which is why I didn't respond earlier. However when what is happening affects the health of the kids...that's another thing. The poor kid has a broken bone and its on to the next thing. They are collateral damage enough without it being physcial.
<<<I told him he needed to talk to our daughter & apolpgize for not taking her to the dr. sooner>>>
That's not fair Barb. You could have taken her in those two days if you deemed it necessary. Why wait until he was just getting ready to leave to say that? Instead of a movie how about an early night so he could get up and take her...or you both together.
<<<I asked hi why he hasn't taken them to the dentist or done anything about getting insurance.>>
Probably for the same reason you haven't taken them. They all have toothaches and neither of you could find any time ? Who spends more time with them?
<<< I told him if he doesn't care & wants a divorce than just do it. >>>
No Barb...you just do it. If you don't want to be married anymore to this man then do it.
You can't keep putting everything off on him when he's hardly home on top of that expect him to woo you back plus broken foots and toothaches to boot.
I know my post sounds rough...but maybe some time apart will do you both some good with an agreement when to talk. Asking him to leave means you are 100% responsible for the kids with no else to blame. Are you sure this is what you want?
This just sounds terrible now when its effecting the physical health of your children.
Tex, the accident happened after our date nite. And we weren't being bad parents. It was hardly swollen & didn't look anything like the other broken arm that she had last year. So,don't make us out to be bad parents.She could wiggle her fingers without being in pain.As far as the dentist, I can't take time off to go stand in line for one or two days hoping that we will be lucky enough to be seen.Terry's schedule is more flexable. I have kids that come & go at all hrs. I have one that I have to put on a school bus & 3 that I have to pick up after school.I'm not making excuses, just stating facts. Frankly, I am getting tired of being judged! No, I'm not scared of having the kids by myself. As a matter of fact, in my last marriage I went & had my c-section done alone. Nobody was around to help care for the newborn or my 22 month old. I went to college full time, worked & took care of the kids. I basically do most everything now. He couldn't even name their teachers! I buy all the food, cook for them, take them to school, pick them up, deal with sports practices & games, plan & pay for all the birthday parties, presents, christmas, christmas presents, etc. He does none of that.I deal with homework, nagging them to take a bath, go to school, etc. he has not been involved with them since the A. So, it was not too much to ask him to deal with the dr. & the dentist. He's not helpless,wouldn't have to drag kids with him to the appointments & he should be doing some dad duties to help.So, I am not going to feel guilty!!!!!!He used to help out with the dr. & dentist appointments so it is not unreasonable of me to ask him to do it now.Darby did not have a problem with the fact that it took us 2 days to go to the dr. She understood that we put a brace on thinking that it was just sprained.It was a tiny fracture & we thought it was a sprain.
Ive never been or have been an in your face poster unless I really honestly believe someone is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Everyone here knows that. This goes to exactly what I was saying in numerous posts...you heard an attack when all I was doing was asking questions bluntly and stating my opinion from what I felt from your post. I stand by it...it doesn't look good from that post.
I'm not making you out to be bad parents at all. You know that. Please don't put words in my mouth. I just questioned why you waited until he was packing to bring it up.
I already knew what your reaction was gonna be except I put the term hair line fracture in there in my head. Regardless of what is was, does it matter?
<<<He's not helpless,wouldn't have to drag kids with him to the appointments & he should be doing some dad duties to help>>>
You said yourself he only usually has 4 hrs...so when he does he have time to do everything? Especially since he was at fault for losing the house on top of it? So that means what..a movie, write a letter, sex, the kids, sleep, driving time...in 4 hrs?
Does he have any time to decompress so he his clear headed enough to actually answer some questions?? I know you will say you don't have it either but maybe he needs it more than you.
Do you want to be married to this man or not without blaming him for everything that goes wrong? You've got to bust through that barrier if you wanna stop being "stuck."
Barb, you asked him to leave. That means although he might, you can't expect him to run home now to show his love etc.
On the good side...once again you defended "us".
Tex
This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Jun 1, 2006 8:50 PM This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Jun 1, 2006 8:30 PM
Tex, I did not wait until he was getting ready to leave to ask him to take her to the DR. I asked him for the last 2 days. I also have been asking him about the dentist for weeks. I have asked him for the last 16 months to go to the welfare office & see if we can qualify for health insurance for the kids. I need him to do that because I have NO IDEA how much money he makes or how much of it is 'under the table' so I can not fill out the paperwork. He needs to help around here.I do my part.Like I told him on the phone,if he doesn't want to be a husband or dad then just say so & move on with your life. I told him that I'm tired of this up & down shit. He'll do what he's supposed to do(call, etc) for awhile & then he'll pull something like last nite.I told him that it does no good to say that he loves me more than anything & then do things that shows he doesn't. I told him that if we're not happy than the kids won't be happy either.If I misunderstood you than I'm sorry,but it did seem like I was being judged.I don't think our marriage has indangered the kid's physical wellbeing.As I said, the arm didn't appear to be broken. All we did was make a bad judgement call.
I want Terry to be the wonderful H & dad that he was for the 15 yrs. before the A. I am beginning to understand that it probably won't happen. I don't understand how someone can change so much.It really is sad & it's a big shock.I told him that I have done my part to be a good wife. He said that I have gone above what I should have had to do. I reminded him of all the romantic cards I sent with him when he was at the coast, all the times I baked for him. The fact that I pack his lunch everyday, made him the anniversary gift, etc.Even after all the A crap I am still willing to do little things for him. I told him that he is not treating me right. He said he made a mistake again, should have called, & will start over trying to prove to me that he does love me. I am getting tired of this starting over crap. He keeps letting me down.I think he needs to do without the kids & I for awhile. Maybe he will realize what he's about to lose. Maybe he won't care. Guess it's the only way to find out. Haven't got much to lose at this point.
Maybe he does need to realize what he has to lose. I have often thought the samething. My H continues to say he has nothing to lose....I hope he's wrong. I think that me and the kids are something, even he doesnt. The saying goes "You don't know what you've got til it's gone" comes to mind. I believe for some people it is true. I know what I have and I value it, and cherish it.
I hope you both find what you are looking for in each other. If not, then maybe it is time to go your seperate ways, atleast for awhile. I am thinking similar thoughts.
Thanks Carol. I am feeling alittle peaceful with having him leave for awhile.I really think he needs to decide if he wants to do the work that is necessary to keep his wife & children OR if he's just trying to be the "good guy". Maybe he's fooled himself into thinking he values us. I don't really think that he does value us. I don't know why he's changed so much but I do know that this Terry is a lesser person. I don't like who he sems to have become.I am not proud to be his wife anymore.
I'm sorry this is happening. I went through that back and forth crap too and it reminds me of what your going through. A call shouldn't be too much to ask, at least I don't think. My ex kept promissing to change things too. He kept telling me he knew he was an idiot and had screwed up, yet he kept doing the same things over and over. Every time he wouldn't call or called too drunk or I found more and more porn after he'd swear he didn't have any, I lost more and more respect for him, so much in fact, that once we separated, it seemed like a huge relief to be away from him.
Thanks for the imput Charlie. I don't understand the fact that they admit that they've screwed up & then they turn around a short time later & do the same thing or something just as bad. They are supposed to be grown adults! My H was always so wonderful until 2 yrs. ago. Now the A & all of this crap. I just talked to him on the phone. He's going to pick up our 19 yr. old from her nursing assistant clinicals at 10:30 pm & then he said he wanted to talk to me. That was in response to me just asking him "what are we going to do". He said that he knows I don't want him to come home tonite.I didn't say anything in response to that remark.I am interested to see what he will have to say tonite. I think he needs time to really figure out what he wants & what he's willing to work for.
<<I think he needs time to really figure out what he wants & what he's willing to work for.>>
Sounds like a plan to me. It's time to stop avoiding things on his part. Forcing him to take an honest and true look at what needs to done and to find out if he is truly willing to do the work or not....a call to action, if you will, (a wake-up call) one way or the other. Yes, he needs to know what he wants and he may need time alone to fgure that out. If he decides he wants you and the kids then it's time for him to start fighting for the marriage and stop feeling sorry for himself, and to stop avoiding.
It's like they half-a$$ try, hoping that it's enough. But it's not. After an A, every little thing that was askew in the marriage is under the microscope and it seems you either have to 100% recommit as a couple and work on things, or decide to end it and move on. That choice takes time to make, especially in the begining as emotions run high, but it cannot be avoided. It has been a year and a half since d-day (correct me if I am wrong), and things have probably calmed down considerably, or at least enough to be able to think more clearly. But like my H, your H works so much and is away so much they know how to disconnet from us. Works keeps their minds busy so they don't have time to think of the A, and then they have so little time with us that they would rather rest than work on the marriage or think about the A. They know what they did was wrong and they know they need to fix it and they just get stuck in a rut and just keep going on the same track and nothing ever gets solved. They hope by not thinking about it, it will just go away, but it doesnt. I think that really frustrates them, that it just wont go away on it's own, and they feel they just dont have the time or energy to do what needs to be done. And on top of that, they dont really want to look deep inside of themselves and see that ugly person who was able to cheat on their wife and cause so much pain to someone they claim to love. They know they need to do that but resist...it tears at their self esteem...it makes them feel bad. So they continue on the path of avoidance while we get more and more frustrated and hurt, and we finally get to a point where we just can't take it anymore. Maybe that is where you are at right now Barb. I am there too.
I am hoping the trip to Italy will be H's wake-up call. By spending time with us, I hope he will be able to reconnect with us, and that he will realize he really does have somethig to lose. Mind you, I am not counting on this, nor do I honestly expect it to happen, but one can always have hope. If it does not happen I will not be disappointed...I will have had the trip of a lifetime regardless.
I hope your having a better day I was reading all the posts and I just had a thought... Why is it up to him? "he needs to decide" You know what you want & you know what you need from him. Why is this even his descision? Maybe if you put a time limit in your head on how long he has to prove himself to you (without nagging). If he doesn't do it. Then maybe it is up to you to make the descision if you can stay with him the way he is or if you can't. Just thinking you shouldn't give him all the power. Like I said, just a thought.
This message has been edited by startover35 on Jun 2, 2006 12:34 PM
First, Barbara, I am so sorry for what the rollercoaster ride that you are on. Especially these last few days.
But Starting Over is right. I see a lot of words above about "he needs to do this," "he needs to do that, " "he needs to realize," even "he needs to call."
Whatever HE needs is a moot point. If he needed help here, he would come here (or someplace similar) to get it. I think what is significant here is what BARBARA needs and what BARBARA is going to do to get what she needs.
Jean
This message has been edited by Jean150 on Jun 2, 2006 2:13 PM This message has been edited by Jean150 on Jun 2, 2006 2:11 PM
H talked to me when he came home last nite. He said that he screwed up by not calling. He said that it was approx. 2am when he realized how late it was & that he didn't want to wake me up. I told him that we had talked about it before & that he needs to call anyway. I told him that I am getting so tired of this rollercoaster ride. He says that he has so much to deal with- working all the time, losing the house, the bills, etc. that he feels overwhelmed. He said that he's not good at handling all of it.He said that he's sorry(there's that phrase again)& that he wants to work things out with us.
Actually,d-day was Sept. 2005. It took me from Oct. 2004 until this past sept. to put together all the evidence & finally bust him.So, it hasn't been that long. I guess that's why I am still hoping that we can work this mess out.Maybe I'm just dumb.
Barb, you are not dumb to want your marriage to work out. None of us are. We are human beings, that's all.
I agree to a point that maybe what he wants is not important, but if a marriage is to work it does take two. So he does need to do something! Avoiding solves nothing. But I also agree, and have said many times, you need to do what is right for you and take care of yourself.
Thanks Carol. How are you doing? Is your H showing any signs of being the least bit interested in your trip to Italy? Does he enjoy being with your kids when he does spend time with them?
I got served papers today because I have been unable to pay on a charge card.I have been paying on 2 smaller ones that will be paid off within 6 months. Anyway, I called H on the phone & told him that we really do need to just file bankruptcy.I tried to do it last Fall before the laws changed. I was told our house was worth too much. Well, now I don't own it anymore so I should be able to file.Plus we have alot of medical bills we haven't been able to pay on yet. It's funny how things can go to hell so fast. We always paid our bills up until 2 yrs. ago. Then things just fell apart. Now it seems almost impossible to get out of this mess. I just hope we can get our house back within the 2 yr. time frame that we have. I did tell H that I was beginning to wonder if the house was worth all this trouble. I mean if it was worth him working all the time for. He says it is. We don't live in a fancy house or a fancy neighborhood so I guess he's right. We have to have one that's big enough for 4 kids & that's why we liked this one. I don't think we'd find one for less. Anyway, hopefully we will clear up this financial mess within the next year!!
As far as my H, I don't really make him do everything. I pay for all the food($200 per week) plus I pay for the gas for my van, & I pay the phone bill. I also pay for the kids birthdays & Christmas & all school supplies & school clothes.Things like that.I feel that I am not a lazy wife & that I do my part. I also feel that I do my part in the marriage too. I will admit that I have not always been easy to get along with since the A. he does need to do his part in the marriage & for the most part I don't think he has. I would like him to show me that I mean something to him but I don't feel that he has really done that.Maybe he never will.
