I am posting this here, as well as on the further board. If you are new, then I pray that this gives you hope, or at least understanding that this is a safe place, but that a lot of us "old timers" speak directly to the issues from experience.

Sometimes the facts are hard to accept, and at least for me, I won't sugar coat the thoughts that I share in chat or responses to posts. Its not that we don't understand, its just that we have learned, and hopefully are still learning each day.



Four years ago today, July 2, 2002, my life as I knew it ended, and I was reborn into a world of pain. This new life was full of hopelessness, mental and physical pain, and doubts in myself, and in my ability make decisions.

My entire belief system had been turned upside down and inside out. My ability to trust anyone, including myself, had been destroyed. Kats once, perhaps more than once compared the destruction to an atomic bomb.

That pretty much sums it up I think, there is the indescribable searing flash of discovery, in the same terrible instant your heart stops beating, or at least if feels as if it does. At that moment everything seems to go into slow motion, the words you are hearing sound distant and echo in your mind. Yet your mind races at light speed, shock , disbelief, denial, anger, rage, hopelessness, and self worthlessness, and so many more things are encompassed in that moment of discovery.

Then come the shock waves that shake your life to its core…that moment of acceptance that yes…your loved one has cheated on you. The one person that you gave your heart too has drop kicked it into the black depths of eternity. Your true love has brought a personal hell into your life…FLASH,,,,BOOM…and your life as you knew it is over.

This person that you had blind trust and faith in is for all practical purposes now a “familiar stranger”. Familiar because you slept with them next to you last night, perhaps you even made love, became one, and felt safe in their arms. Familiar because they know you perhaps better than you know yourself, familiar yes…But now they are also a “stranger” that has brought the most intense pain imaginable into your life and relationship.

In that instant, for me, I remember I started shaking uncontrollably, and felt like I was going to vomit. It was happening over lunch with my loved one, at a picnic table in the park. The temperature was at least 90 degrees. But I sat there and felt cold, colder than I had ever felt in my life. The food I was eating became a lump in my stomach that seemed to weigh a ton. I started shaking, shaking so bad I felt like I couldn’t even catch my breath.

To make matters worse, it was a double betrayal, the affair was with your second best friend. Yes your best friend, your spouse, and your second best friend, a person you trusted almost as much as your wife ( or husband ) had help destroy your world.

For me, it was a guy, I won’t say man, because a real man wouldn’t do this to his wife and family, or to a friend of many years. (having known him for fourteen years) He and I had fished walleye tournaments together. As two couples we had shared time playing board games, at the lake fishing and jet skiing, meals, shopping trips for Christmas presents for our respective kids and so on. Our kids had spent nights in each other’s homes. He helped me test out one of my life’s dreams, a 17 foot fishing boat. I trusted his judgment on a $16,000 purchase of a used boat and motor.

So, in one blinding flash, my life seemed to end, my hopes and dreams were forever gone, my purpose for taking another breath came from thinking of my daughters. Jump ahead about six weeks and thoughts of my daughter saved his life and mine. I know what he looks like through a 3 by 10 scope. I know that had I not thought of them as my finger prepared to squeeze, his head would have exploded in shower of bone and blood. He didn’t even know I was there, less than a hundred feet away as he got off work.

I make a huge mistake on August 22, 2002 when I renew my vows because I believe my wife has been totally honest with me from D-day. We had been counseling with our minister, and I had written and read volumes on a site similar to this one. At the time, I guess I needed something to cling to, and renewing our vows was it.

Less than three weeks later, on September 9, 2002, my life comes crashing down around me once again. I confront my wife with some facts from the past, and she admits to a second affair, this one happened in 1997, it stared before and ran through our second wedding anniversary.

Both affairs were work place related, and living in a town of 5000, both were with males that I knew. As you know if you are reading here, I don’t have to explain the roller coater from hell that we emotionally ride. I don’t have to explain the loss of appetite, the sick feelings, the stress headaches, or the tiredness. For many, I don’t have to explain depression, I don’t have to describe going to the doctor for STD and HIV testing. And there is so much more that I needn’t explain, as each of us has the same story, just different dates and chapters in the book of our life’s after D day.

So here I sit, four years to the day later. Yes we are still together, together only because she fought body and soul to keep us together. In the first three years I packed three different times, in one form or another and was leaving. She has done everything a remorseful spouse can do. She has endured my moods, harsh words, and actions that follow D day. She daily proves to me that she loves me.

For me, some of the trust has returned, some of the love has returned, but it is no where near the love I used to feel for her. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I fantasize about being with someone else. I hate those moments, because they are against every principle I was raised to believe in.

I can detail the first year, the second year, the third year, and the fourth year to anyone who asks, and will do so here on this site or in emails. We are now starting the fifth year. This is not the recovery of the relationship we had, it’s a rebuilding of a new relationship, one that I sometimes feel uncomfortable in, but continue with because I know she loves me, and deep inside, I know I love her. That love is the foundation of what we are building, and yes, my wife works harder at it than I do, she believes in it more than I do, that may seem unfair. But its only in the last few months that I have started to give back to the relationship and her, the effort and thought that she has daily put into the rebuilding over the last four years.

Most here will tell you that it takes a minimum of two years to recover, well here I sit at the beginning of the fifth year and I am just now starting to feel comfortable most of the time with what we have together.

For those of you that have just arrived, or just made it past a year, if all comes down to a choice, a choice to build a new relationship with that “familiar stranger” or move on alone down a different path.

I am still learning about myself daily, and thanks to all of those that kept hammering into my head these words….It takes TIME!!! None of us knows how much time, because none of us are the same.

Looking forward to tomorrow,
Dave

Great Post Dave .

Thank you David !!!!!!!

And as you walk you make your path Kat

Dave, four years ago, did you ever think you would be posting such wise words to the newer people here? You're paying it forward in spades, brother...

Hugs to you and the lovely wife! Miss you both!
Cory

If you can't change the way you look at things, the things you look at will never change.

Dave...an eloquently consructed, heartfelt post. Your last statement is the most profound.....to leave the marriage in pain or rebuild with a "familiar stranger" in pain as well. I have always believed that it would be just as difficult to remain in the marriage as to terminate it....the pain is the same no matter what one does. I wish I had the choice to remain and try to rebuild, but that was not my choice. In retrospect I NOW know what I needed to do, but that will be information forever engrained in my memory that will be of no use to me, at least with him. I am soon "celebrating" my 2nd year since divorce and I hoped and believed that I would be at least where you are in year 4...but I am not. I have not learned anything about myself...I wish I could say that. All I have learned is that I am capable of shedding tears on a daily basis and know now, that when things are "eating" at me, I need to listen to "me"...what my body and soul are saying. Again, that is certainly good information to have, but I wish I had it then and used it. I wanted my marriage to remain in tact. Again, I can't believe the pain would have been any worse than the current feelings involved with divorce recovery. I am convinced, as the wonderful people who support and post on this site, that there will be relief...relief, that is all I want.
Congratulations with your decision to remain where you felt your values and principles led you....peace to you.

Sage,

This is not my first trip around the alter, and as for the pain being greater or less by divorcing or staying, any answer would be subjective.

Staying (in my never to be humble opinion) takes a hell of a lot more work that walking away. And remember, in the first three years I almost walked away three times. I was packed, I had on two occasions gone apartment hunting and knew where I was going to go.

This is only my opinion, any time we make a life altering choice, hind sight is always 20/20. We can take that hindsight and beat ourselves up with it on a daily basis, or we can file it away and learn, or possibly use it in the future.

In reading your response, I think you may be beating yourself up over the past, or at least second guessing yourself and your decisions. Believe me, in staying, especially in years two and three, I did a lot of second guessing myself about my decision to stay.

I went through severe depression, I am still on anti depressants although I recently talked to my doctor about cutting back, and eventually quitting. I know that at one point, I was so low, I came to the following conclusion or point. I would look in the mirror, with tears flowing down my cheeks and think what’s the point.

I finally arrived at the following conclusion, "I am important because sometime today, just once, I am going to make someone else smile." It didn't matter whether it was telling a joke, or giving a compliment, I just knew I was going to make someone smile for a few seconds.

That may seem silly, but making someone smile became a important (and might I add still continuing important) part of each day. By bringing a smile to another’s face, I gave them, albeit only for a few seconds, a gift that no one could take away, a gift that cost me nothing, and more importantly, that giving made me feel good.

I think that all of us to one extent or another are impatient with the amount of time it takes to feel better about ourselves. Recovery and rebuilding whether together or alone is pure hell. I also think that most of the "senior" (and at 54 I am starting to feel senior in more than one way) members here will tell you that rebuilding yourself first, healing yourself first is the most important, and perhaps one of the hardest steps in the process.

Don't expect miracles from yourself, start small, find something important that makes you feel good about YOU, and then take baby steps. You might find yourself replacing those tears with smiles, at first someone else's, and then you find yourself smiling at the person in the mirror.

Just some more of my wandering thoughts,

Dave

Dave-

Thank you for sharing. Your thoughts have bolstered me over the past six months.

The familiar stranger is someone I have become acquainted with as well.

I have also become acquainted with another familiar stranger; myself.

I have become the moral compass and moral standard of my household. I have discovered that I can stay true to myself and my sense of self, even when others around me walk crooked lines.

Dave, you not only may make people smile, you have given invaluable support and wisdom to people who are hurting badly.

I am glad you made the right decisions for yourself.

Jay

I am two days away from 5 months since d-day and I hope to God that it does not take me two years minimum.... I do not think that I can make it to that point feeling even remotely as I do now... I am now on pain meds for my blinding stress headaches, and I still cannot go one day without crying. I cannot get out of the why's.... it drives me nuts that I can't seem to see past the why he did it and not see the current way he is, which is loving, caring, compassionate and doing everything he can to start gaining trust. Why do I have such a vice grip on the details? I want to chuck the details out the window and start seeing more clearly.. not happening and it is frustrating. Some days I do see it, and those nights I sleep. Others days it is an uphill battle to just get through the day. Am I crazy or just only 5 months out??

Keri,

You are not crazy, you are 5 months out and feeling the full force of what you have been through. I think everyone of us here has at one point wanted the “WHY” question answered. I think most will tell you that you will never know or understand the why. Most of the time I don’t thing the FWS truly knows the answer themselves.

I know I pushed for an answer to the why question, and no matter what my wife said or tried to explain, it didn’t make sense, it didn’t answer my question. There came a point that the “WHY” no longer mattered, I think it was when I accepted that I would never understand why.

I finally realized that the more time I spent on the “WHY” question, the more time I was wasting. There is no excuse for betrayal…There is no excuse for breaking ones wedding vows…There is no excuse that will take away the pain of betrayal. I truly believe that she doesn’t understand why she did what she did.

I almost lost my job because I was obsessed with understanding her affairs. I guess I thought if I can understand it, I can heal faster, feel better sooner. What I was actually doing was letting her affairs consume me, my every waking thought, my dreams, which most often became nightmares. Even when I slept, it wasn’t a sound, restful, refreshing sleep.

At this point I would recommend something to you, and it’s not easy to do, but it helped me, and my wife. We started going for walks, sometimes we would talk, others not. Sometimes we held hands, others not. But one thing I tried to do was forget the affairs for that half hour or 45 minutes. I had to make a choice not to talk about them during the walks. We both needed a break from talking about the affairs, after a couple of weeks it became easier not to think about them while we walked. In one sense, that half hour to 45 minutes became “rest time”, rest time from the affairs. We found ourselves talking about the kids, the weather, how somebody else’s garden looked, what we wanted for supper, ect.

Your mind needs to rest, it needs a break from the affair related thoughts. Now, as with anything else, it’s not easy at first. But “the more you practice it the easier it becomes.” I really hate to admit it, I borrowed those words from my mother. (piano lessons and practicing at age 12 if my foggy memory is correct) But they are true words.

Keri, you have suffered what is perhaps the most tremendous blow to your belief system that you will ever experience. The first year is really about coming to terms with the shock, and learning to accept what has happened…and acceptance is not approval.

I lost my father in December of 2000, two days before Christmas. I was on oxygen at his funeral because on December 6th, I had a quad bypass, I got home from the hospital on the 13th, he had a massive stroke on the 16th, and he was gone on the 23rd. I tell you this to help explain what I say next.

His passing was easier to accept because it was final, yes I still miss him, but now when I think of him, it’s the good times I remember. I can hardly remember any of the bad times, and as a teenager, he and I had more than a few. I think we tend to let go of the bad and remember the good when someone dies.

Recovering from an affair, rebuilding your relationship is hard work. On top of the hard work, your spouse has to regain some level of trust. Acceptance my wife’s affairs was, and is harder than loosing my father. I think it’s harder, because unlike loosing a family member, one’s spouse is in front of us each day.

Each day we have triggers, be they from the tv, from music on the radio, or from seeing the OM or OW. In my case, living in a town of 5000, that is a few times a week on the streets either going to work or going to the grocery store.

You, like me will be tired or hearing people say, “IT TAKES TIME!”…But honestly, a spouse who is giving and working 110% and time are what will help you heal, help you rebuild.

Don’t be hard on yourself, don’t be a stranger to the boards…and don't...DON'T...DON'T think you are crazy...you're just human...as much as we hate to admit it...humans are frail creatures because they are capabable of love...

Hope this helps

Dave

Forgiving is not forgetting...It's remembering with your mind at peace.

Keri, you said, "I am two days away from 5 months since d-day and I hope to God that it does not take me two years minimum...."

One thing I would add to Dave's comments. Don't make the mistake that I did of mentally setting a time limit for recovery. I know that at 5 months it pissed me off to think that I had 19 months left to recover from what my wife did. It felt like my wife had put us in a situation that we were wasting 2 years of our lives. When I got to the 2 year mark and was not that much better, it just made me that much more angry and it prolonged recovery for me and my wife. When I got to the 3rd year I was still very angry but a little better. I had to come to terms with the fact that I had no idea how long it was going to take and that is not an easy thing to do when you are used to being in control. There is no time limit to recovery whether you stay or go. It takes as long as it takes. You can't jerk your way thru it. Ask the ones that divorced if they got thru recovery faster. Most will tell you, no. So prepare yourself for a long journey thru this crap. Focus on the recovery and not the "time lost" in recovery. You are human, so even though it is hard to process this crap, you will grow. You will learn. You will become stronger. You will get better.

Wish you well,

H2C

Edited to add: My dad passed just a few months before my d-day and that experience to me was pale in comparison to what my wife did.

Ditto to what H2C said, don't set a time limit, I made that mistake and it cost me in the long run.

At two years I thought to myself, "I should be healed...I should be over this." At two years it seemed like there were good times, and times that I would slip backwards.

We are still together, I love her, and yes, it's different than it was, but I believe that our relationship is more open and more honest.

Another tip...both of us had to learn to communicate in a different way, I am not sure how to describe it, but key to the communication is really understanding what the other person is saying. I will hear her say something, but unless I mirror it back to her, I don't know for sure that I am understanding what she means. At first it took effort to do that, now it is more "normal" to question what she is feeling if I have any doubts.

And I don't mean we do this with everyday conversation, but when we are having a serious discussion, key to our communication is knowing what the other person is saying, what they are feeling behind the words.

Dave

Dave and H2C-

Friday was a VERY bad night... so bad in fact, I had my thoughts of just giving up, in all ways. I left the house and my H was calling and calling, I would not answer, and he finally texted me. We talked for about an hour and he finally got me to tell him where I was and came and got me. As we talked into the morning light, I started to see what I had right in front of me. Yes this was the person who had all but reduced me to shreds, yes he had cheated, yes my life is now chaotic, but I started actually seeing him... seeing the man he has started to become, the man who is working so hard to repair this relationship, and I realized that I was holdng us back from starting to take any steps, baby or otherwise. Your words make so much sense, and the fog is starting to lift some. I had sort of a "eureka" moment this weekend and I feel like I took a step in the right direction. Having a timeframe for me I guess was a way of looking towards a better time, but I see that there is no standard frame and I need to not have set in stone rules for the recovery. I wish I could have a why, but my H, like others, has no clear explanation of "why." He says that he could have robbed a bank or jumped off a cliff with no parachute, and that he would trade that for what he did to me. Thank you for your words of hope, being able to relate is one of the best things for me through all this.

Keri

Keri,

You said, "As we talked into the morning light, I started to see what I had right in front of me. Yes this was the person who had all but reduced me to shreds, yes he had cheated, yes my life is now chaotic, but I started actually seeing him... seeing the man he has started to become, the man who is working so hard to repair this relationship, and I realized that I was holding us back from starting to take any steps, baby or otherwise. Your words make so much sense, and the fog is starting to lift some. I had sort of a "eureka" moment this weekend and I feel like I took a step in the right direction."

I don't know, but I suspect you talked, communicated at a new, possibly deeper level, than perhaps you ever had before. My wife and I had more than one of those talks, the one's that started after dinner in the evening, wound up with me going for a drive for 20-30 minutes, and ignoring the cell phone. Then I would go home, and we would talk into the wee hours of the morning. The are exhausting, but perhaps necessary now and then.

As for your "eureka", that my dear lady was more than a baby step forward. Don't let the success of that moment fool you. On the path to recovery, you will run into other obstacles, but that moment is HUGE, because you have overcome one of the largest obstacles, not an easy step.

These boards are so valuable for what you stated, "being able to relate is one of the best things for me through all this."

I think all of us here remember that same moment, or kind of moment. Your accomplishment this weekend is laying a SOLID foundation for the rebuilding process. Now, take a breath, don't try to push forward like a bulldozer, I made that mistake. I felt like WOW...success...and then tried to make the next step another huge one, when it wasn't, I felt like I was failing again.

Time is short this morning or I would write more. (I can hear some of the members thinking, "Thank Goodness").

Take care,

Dave

Forgiving is not forgetting....It's remembering with your mind at peace.


Edited to add:

I hope at some point reading this, you smiled to yourself...smiling is important.

""""I had sort of a "eureka" moment this weekend and I feel like I took a step in the right direction.""""

It seems I'm always adding one more thing to what Dave says. I think it is a Hemi vs. Cummins thing. LOL

You had a eureka moment which is a good thing. Hold on to the idea that there will be more eureka moments because, don't kid youself, there will be more bad moments at only 5 months out. Just as quickly as you have a light bulb moment you can have a trigger that will set you back or send you into a tail spin. This is normal. It's part of the horrible roller coaster ride that we all wish that we could have gotten off of in the first couple of years. I say again, hold on to the idea that there will be more eureka moments especailly when you trigger. It all gets better. You will just have to trust us on that.

Wish you well,

H2C

Yes Dave I did smile... I am at work and on my lunch, and smile I did. I realize that I will have many many bumps ahead, but it is good to know that I can go past these without completely falling apart...

It also dawned on me this weekend that I will never truly be the same, or rather we will never be the same. I accepted that we both have changed and it is time to start working with what we have instead of wishing for what we had before, which the more I think about, had not been super for the last year or so.

Thanks again for all the encouragement... my self confidence took the hardest beating through all this, along with my instincts...

Keri

Thanks Dave

I am one week away from 1 year from d-day and I do appreciate you sharing your experiences.

I have often thought how long, how long or will I ever be able to get back to some form of normalacy in my life, my d-day included 2,yes 2 alleged other children, ages 15 & 9.

Any elaboration of the stages you have experienced would be helpful.

God Bless You
Ann

Ann,

I found another board on July 6th of 2002, four days after D-day. It is almost identical to this one, but over moderated in my opinion. Too "touchy feely" to let people express honesty.

What I have learned myself and observed in others is we all go through very similar stages. The kicker is none of us go through them in any given order, some of the stages repeat themselves several times. Additionally they tend to overlap.

In other wards you have learned to deal or accept things in one stage and like a weed in a garden, another stage starts growing while you are putting the final touch on a rose bush.

My best advice, don't be shy about starting a thread about what you are feeling, what you are going through at the moment. Heck, its all overwhelming and confusing, but in one form or another you will find people here that have experienced or dealt with the same type of issues you find yourself stuck or hung up on.

Advice is like a rain, the gentler it falls, the more it is absorbed. That being said, in the first couple of years there were several times I felt like I was drowning. Many folks shared their experiences, offered suggestions, a dear friend on the other board referred to me as "a thick headed old man."

The truth is, I would let myself get stuck and find myself ready to give up. I think many of us go through that, we run into what seems to be an insurmountable obstacle and rather than reverse our travels and find an easier path, we stand and bump our heads against it.

Why am i here after four years, well, friendships are the most important reason, secondly its giving back to recent arrivals and supporting some old friends when they need a gentle "whack with a cyber 2 x 4."

Last night my wife and I were invited to a picnic at the lake, I was going to pick up some beer and take it out with us. Guess what, we get ready to pull into the convenience store and who pulls in literally a second ahead of us, the OM and his wife. We drove around for a couple of minutes and then went back just as they were leaving.

I made my purchase and left, no more thoughts of them, and we had a most enjoyable evening at the lake. Funny thing, no triggers, no letting them mangle or destroy my good time.

Their are times in recovery that you have to walk through your pain, their are other times that you have to reverse direction and find a way around an obstacle. When that happens, know that you will eventually have to deal with it again, but when you do, you will in all likely hood be more prepared and stronger.

Ok, this "thick headed old man" has rambled on long enough,

One day at a time,

Dave

Oh, I forgot to add, I had my .270 rifle in the pickup,(have been varmit hunting on the farm) as they pulled in, I told my wife, maybe I should park next to them and then start fiddling with the rifle. As his wife was driving and he went in, I wondered what she would think, I pull up, reach in the back seat and pull out a rifle...we had to laugh thinking of the image that would present. And I am way past any point of wanting to use him for target practice, but still, I am sure it would have freaked her out. So instead of a trigger, I had a smile just wondering what if....