Home from vacation. Had a ok time.But i am still struggling with the whole mess! Even on vacation there were triggers. I tried my best to not let them get to me but at times they would.
I still can't get the images of the two of them together out of my head.My main problem right now is that i look at my H in a whole diffferent light, because of the kind of person he had sex with. The self-esteem thing i guess. If he could be with someone so nasty, then what was wrong with me??I know the "it has nothing to do with you thing", but it still has something to do with me in my head!I really do get sick thinking about this nasty woman, even if there was no feelings for her other than just wanting the sex,it is still sick to me!!How grose can he be??
H still doesn't try the way i think he should, and yes i have told him what i need from him.I feel he has become too comfortable and believes i won't leave him.But i still not sure what i want.He just doesn't try enough.I need sooooooo much more. I have told him what i need from him , just to began to help me.
I am really getting tired of the whole mess!!

Barbara , how are you? Sorry i haven't called, but i will soon.
Kathy

Kathy..as I as reading your post, I kept wondering....is what you want now from your H (after the A) the same thing you had with him (or thought you had) before the A??? That's what came up from me while reading your post. I can feel your pain....I entitled my last post the same as yours...still struggline (but on a different site)....Some people have asked on this post, what is it that you would want in a new mate. I can't answer that one yet, but maybe you can. What would you want your H to be like if you could have anytyhing you want. I think you have to be realisitc wiht the "trust" issue and the integrity one....he's temporarily blown that one. BUT, what is it you would want? What he is not doing when you say he is not trying hard enough? What does he need to do more of? Who has the most power in the marriage now? The one with the most power has to relinquish some of it so that you can level the playing field. You both are at an extremely vulnerable point in your life...a transision point as well. Are you in counseling? What about aht workshop that some of the others post about...the Catholic sponsored one?? Have you considered that? Time and patience....horrible to read, but you will know when you get there...

Hi Kathy! I am doing fine!I was upset yesterday but turned out to be a misunderstanding on my part.Anyway, he is going to fix my van today after his daytime job.Sorry that you are still having a hard time.I have come to the point where I understand that I can't have things the way they use to be.What we had for 15 of the 17 yrs. was super, but it's gone.He's moving back in tonight because I asked him to in a weak moment last Monday or Tuesday night. We still won't see him anyway but that is just the way it is.I know what I want but at the moment I can't have it. I want to trust my H but because of the lies & A I can't. I want a H that I can be with & that the kids & I can sit down together & have dinner & do things with.Can't have that either.It's just the way my life is right now. I no longer obsess over what he is doing or who he might or might not be with. I am focused on losing weight & being happy. It's a waste to worry about my H.If he wants to straighten up he will & if he doesn't want to he won't. Probably everyone here will probably thnk it's a mistake for him to move back in. It probably is but I realized that I was losing all feeling for him by having him gone.So, in order to have any chance at all, I need to deal with him here.Like I said, he won't ever be here anyway due to his work schedules.Kathy, be clear with yourself on what you want.Talk again with your H & see if there is compromise. Ask him why he hasn't been able to give you what you need. Maybe in his mind he has been or at least has been trying.Don't bitch or attack(I do that alot!).Listen to what he really says. Have you asked him point blank if he really wants the marriage? Ask him his reasons for wanting to stay married.TALK With HIM. I know it sucks that we have to give of ourselves in this mess but we do. It still takes two. H says that he still loves me the same as he has all these years. I don't believe it but that's what he seems to believe. I was totally honest with him again on the phone last night & told him that I no longer feel the same way about him. I don't tell him that to be mean, just to be honest. Will write more later. Have to look up something on the computer for H. Hang in there Kathy!

Simple question for you! What do YOU need to be happy right now? You can't be happy until you know what it is that you want or need.You have to be reasonable. You can't have your marriage back the way it was & you can't instantly forget about the A or wish that it never happened. BUT from this moment forward you can work on striving for the things that will lead you on the road to happiness.Start with little things.I am losing the weight that I gained during the A mess. At first I lost alot of weight & then as time passed I gained alot since d-day. Anyway, I am focused on myself & reaching my goal weight.You & I have talked alot & most of our feelings about our H's A's mirror each other. So Kathy, I do know how your feel. It's awful to feel hurt, sad,depressed all the time. So, try taking the focus away from your H & put it on yourself.Do what you need to do to be happy.What can you focus your time & energy on, other than your H & the A?I don't mean ignore your H,just put yourself first.You have to learn to be happy whether you stay with him or not.Does that make sense?So why not focus on yourself?Gone to any good movies lately?Go for a walk! Buy shocking pink curtains for your livingroom(just kidding)! Actually, I love my new crazy curtains! I smile whenever I see them because they are fun & very carefree! Very unlike what I have been like the last 2 yrs.Be zany! Smile today! I know I'm probably not much help BUT I am beginning to think that there really is happiness after this whole mess that our H's have put us thru. Happiness from within, not necessarily from them.

Hi Kathy! Just checking in to see how you are doing!I'm back to being not so good. I knew it was a mistake to let H move back in. I've been unhappy ever since he came back 2 days ago. Funny how someone that you loved & adored so much can make you so unhappy just by being around.I've been trying to figure out why I am so happy when he is gone & why I am unhappy when he is here. Haven't really figured it out yet.I kind of wonder if it's just because I don't trust him. Also., looking at him reminds me of how much he has changed.I wonder even if he stops lying & is faithful, if I have it in me to make this work.I look at him sometimes & I just don't like who he is anymore OR at least who I think he is now.He says that he's not a bad guy;that he just made some stupid mistakes.I don't see it that way though. My perception of this whole mess is that he has changed.Anyway Kathy,how are ya doing? Still having a rough time? What can your H do to help turn things around?I think my H is just fed up with the whole thing. I think he's tired of me being unhappy & not trusting him.Gee, whose fault is it that I don't trust him?! Kathy, I hope you can end up being happy! On a happy note, I have lost alittle over 13 lbs since I joined my online diet group. I am happy about that!!!

Great to hear that you have lost so much weight!! Good work!!That has to make you feel good about yourself.
But i am also sorry to hear things aren't good since your H moved back in.Is he still not showing you what you need to see?
My days are still the same , some ok some not so ok.
I don't think i will ever feel the same about my H again. He keeps saying that he will make me fall in love with him again, but he doesn't do anything any different than he always has. So how can i fall in love with the person that broke my heart if i don't feel he has changed and i don't see him really doing anything to win my love back.
I am at a point now that i don't think i care much anymore what happens.I am just really tired of all this mess!!
He brought soooooooo much pain and sorrow in this marriage that i don't know how to get past it.
It is getting old, but yet i am still here. I think i must be the crazy one!!Why am i still here??? Can anyone tell me that??? Oh well, enough about me for now. I am sure you all get tired of hearing the same old stuff all the time.I guess i just don't know where i am at or what i want right now.
Kathy

Hope you're feeling better now.What would help you to feel like your H is really trying? I wish that my H had the time to spend with me but he doesn't have any time so it's almost impossible for us to be a couple, let alone work on repairing things.You were wondering why you are still in the relationship. You must still love him Kathy.Somewhere under all the hurt & anger there must still be some love.Either that or you are just too scared to make the big move & be on your own. For me, I'm not sure. I know that I don't mind being on my own. In fact, I was happy when I had him move out.So, I am trying to figure out why I am putting myself thru all of this.Maybe it's what I told him on the phone tonight.I did tell him that even though I am happier when he is gone, I need for him to stay so that I have to face things head on.If we seperate again I just feel independent & don't give a crap if we ever get back together.So, I will try to work thru all this mess & see if there is anything left. I don't trust him & you can't have a healthy relationship without the trust. I have no idea how to begin to ever trust him again.He hasn't earned any trust yet.It's hard to live with knowing that your H can lie to you so easily.If your H is being honest with you now Kathy, that is a big thing. Believe me, it's not fun to go thru the A mess & then still be lied to about other things.Also, you are very lucky that you & your H have the gift of being able to spend some time together.Terry & I never see each other even though he lives here again. He will get home anywhere between 12:30 a.m. -3:45 a.m. & then will be back to work at 9 a.m.. So, he's home to sleep a few hours & that is it.We can't be a couple & we can't work thru anything.It's really hard but it's just the way it is.There is still a chance for you & your H Kathy. I'm not saying that it will work out for you guys but I am saying that you have a chance.Take care!!!!

Hi Kathy,

Your letter really made me have some flashbacks to my first marriage. Seven years into it with 2 babies (2 years old and 5 months old) my H had an affair. It really shattered everything for me. There's a lot more to that story, but the part I wanted to get to was after he came back home to stay (for a few more years, anyway), I felt such anger and like I couldn't "get over the hump". Even when some of the sharpness, the edge of the pain had worn down, I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong, and in typical me fashion I put the blame all on me, and typical him fashion he was happy to let me. I kept feeling like he's saying good things and he's here, but I am missing something. For one thing, he "helped" me feel that I was being petty and unforgiving, after all, he came BACK, and I should be grateful for THAT. It seemed to be, looking back on it now, a combination of him acting like he was doing ME a favor staying there, and he milked it for all it was worth, me trying my damnest to make HIM happy and him playing the victim (he gave up so much to force himself to stay with me and the girls, a real sacrifice), and probably some of that came from feeling guilt and not wanting to own up to the enormity of what he had done, and for NO GOOD REASON.

The part that was missing and the part that kept me stuck was emotional blackmail. "You don't do right by me, and I'll pull away my affections". And no real sense of owning up to it, trying to win ME back and going further by working on the problems that initiated the whole situation to begin with. He just wanted me to "put up and shut up". And I think ultimately I became a symbol of his flaws, a constant reminder.

I don't know if this sounds right or familiar to you, but sometimes when you are in the middle of something, it is difficult to get a perspective.

I hope things improve for you. Living a "partial marriage" is hellish. I ended up settling for that for many years, 20 to be exact, and all it got me was him having another affair. I truly loved him and if he had wanted to work on our marriage instead of just trying to get "mother figures" to save him we might have had a chance at real happiness. I hope your husband can pull himself up and do that. I would hope that maybe (more?) counseling, that Retrovaille place, maybe, could be useful.

I think even in a pretty good marriage, a "tune-up" isn't a bad idea.

Oh, Kathy, my best wishes for you!
Sue

Why am i still here, do i still love him, i wish i knew for sure if that was the case or if it is that i am afraid to make it on my own. I have been with this man for 29 years total. So yes , being on my own is a big fear!!I don't trust my feelings right now.
No Sue my H does not make me feel like he is doing me a favor by being here.But he just seems to comfortable that i will not leave or make him leave.You are soooo right, being in a partial marriage is hellish!!!
I am just not sure if i know the truth, he says he has told me everything, but how do you ever believe a man you loved so much after he lied so many times to you. How do i know he still isn't lying?? He still goes to the MC and has told her the same stories he has told me. But they can be lies too!I just wish there was a way to KNOW what the truth is and i could make a decision on making this marriage work or ending it knowing that i know the TRUTH!!! Once you have been lied to and hurt this much how do you ever know. Trust yourself?? Yea right, i did for 25 years and i was wrong!Do i want to take a chance , i don't know if i do or not. Do i still love my H or is it that i am scared?? I wish i knew the answer to that too!!Like i said before i don't trust my own feelings anymore.
Kathy

Kathy,
There is no way you can find out what your H is saying is the truth...for me the time came that I needed to "Trust" that what he was telling me was the truth...only He knows what the truth is...

The Actions that your H displays will tell you what you need to know...look at his actions following D-day...how has he changed? More open? It takes time to get to the point that you are comfortable with what your H is telling you...the lies were about the A, not his life with you.

You trust a little bit ...verify a little ...trust a bit more...it is stages that we go thru...I stopped being a detective early on...but did verify some stuff that H told me...H was open with me...had access to cell phone...but if he had wanted to contact the OW he had many other ways of contact.

Lying about what happened during the A is the hardest thing to verify...The truth is there was an A. the rest is fuzzy in the recalling...they don't want to hurt you...and in many cases they really don't recall everything because they really don't care all that much...it is the emotional stuff that clouds their thinking...If I asked my H where he took me for dinner last year, he would give you a vague answer...same applies to the A...

Kathy the word TIME is the only thing that helps to get thru the recovery.

Give yourself time to heal...it is not done overnight...in one year... two years...but with time it does get better..

Pat