You know I was thinking the reason a affair for someone may be a high or fog is because they were of the mind that nothing mattered. No responsibilities, no care for the needs of those around them, like being a teen again. They may run because they lack the fortitude to make considerations for the ones they love or count on for food and shelter. It is easy to be selfish when your primary needs are taken care of like a place to come home to and plans or daily routines. I wish this would have happened to any of us. Time.

I agree thats part of the "why" but each and every person should have morals and values that prevent them from leaping toward temptation. We all have secret desires and fantasies, the difference between a cheater and a faithful person is a cheater is lacking some very important morals/values. One question I have; is a person raised to think that way or is it just in their make up. We, as parents, are always trying to instil morals and values but when it comes to lying and cheating are we doing that in vein? Honestly, I dont know the answer, I dont think anyone truly does, but once you have been betrayed (and betrayed and betrayed) by the one you love more than anyhting in the world, you start to ask all sorts of questions, some that can be answered and some that never will.

Why do people cheat? It is now my belief (I think ) that anyone will cheat given the right opportunity. Like the perfect storm, all things generally need to come together, a poor relationship (regardless of fault), a sympathetic co-worker, similar work hours to the co-worker, opposite hours/days off of spouses and an adventurous curiosity. That was/is my situation - yours I know is similar, at least more so than any of us would have originally thought. When I first came to this forum I thought my story was unique, somehow worse than others. Turns out I was blown away by the similarities to others and in some cases, almost identicle. Boy am I off on a tangent, sorry about that.

I'm not exactly sure why people cheat but I am confident that if we do not let the "perfect storm" brew then we will have nothing to fear and in most cases the one area that you can protect as the spouse who doesnt want to betrayed is your relationship with your spouse. I feel that a poor relationship is the single most preventable ingredient in any marriage. To those who still have hope - nurture your married relationship with your spouse, think outside the box to make it special, weather you like it or not, you are competing for your spouses love on a daily basis, but you already have the advantage - you just need to continue to grow your marriage. I'm rambling again, it's a family curse, sorry again. I'll stop now.

Brian

Brian, you raised a couple of very good points in your ramblings...

First off, realizing that yes, this can happen to ANYONE, and that we are all susceptible to the same temptations (the perfect storm as you put it), is a big step forward. Getting past the self righteous thinking of, "There's no way I could ever do that!" is big thing. Any one of us could do what our unfaithful spouses did. We're all human, and all imperfect.

Your other point is that life is just not a fairy tale. When you get married, there's no such thing as happily ever after. You have to work, and work hard, to maintain that marriage. This was one of the big lessons I learned in recovery, that maintaining the status quo just doesn't work.

I now tell people that marriage is the toughest and most fulfilling job anyone can ever have.

Cory

The Three Rules of Happiness: Friends, Freedom and an Analyzed Life - Epicurus

Brian

Good points. I certainly hope that we aren't trying in vain to teach our children morals/values. I do a lot of talking in that area to try to teach my children to be different than their father who pretty much lied all the time during our marriage. I honestly do believe that the more we talk about honesty and morals and its importance, the more they will value it just like we tell our kids not to smoke or do drugs and show gross pictures of someones lungs who smokes and they hopefully will value not smoking for health reasons. I'm sure some go on to smoke anyway and some go on to lie anyway, but I think it at least gives them a chance to have morality and honesty the same way going to church gives them a chance to believe in something too.

I guess, I believe the biggest way to teach our children values/morals and honestly is to live that way ourselves and to get out of situations of dishonesty and tell them why we did it. In other words, not hiding things that happen in real life so they know how dysfunctional all the lying can be and how badly it can damage relationships and people.

"you are competing for your spouses love on a daily basis, but you already have the advantage - you just need to continue to grow your marriage."

Interesting way to look at it and true really. I have the belief that many, if not most of us, let ourselves go in marriage somewhat and a little too much and I don't always mean "looks wise" necessarily. We lose that desire to please each other on a constant basis because quite honestly it takes work to keep that up. Looks do come in after several years together, we start wearing less cologne/perfume, we don't clip nose hairs (lol) or shave as much, we don't always pay attention to the clothes we wear, our breath isn't always as pleasant, we don't watch our manners as much and so on. I think we get a little lazy sometimes and I admit I am somewhat guilty of it as probably everyone is. Why is that though? I mean when we first date someone, we do everything we can to please the other person and be as attractive as we can, yet we let a good deal of it go when we get comfortable? It certainly explains why some A's are so attractive to the people doing them because they are getting that newness and extreme attraction and attention from someone. Kind of fake reality. I'm not saying that people have A's because their spouse has let themselves go or gotten lazy, I am only saying that this could definitely make you notice someone else more because you don't always see the work being done at home that it takes to maintain as much attraction. Obviously, if they are missing out on some of the attraction and attention at home, they could talk about it before they partake in an A.

I also realize that often times their are addictions, mental issues, childhood problems that were never resolved, and the like, that come into play here and in those cases, there isn't a whole lot that we can do to stop an A.

Now I've gone off on a little tangent

Charlie

My probably biased view of why people give themselves permission to have an affair: I think that people feel unhappy about some aspect of their lives. They tend to be people that look outside themselves for answers and "focus of control".(good psych term) And, adultery is a "crime of opportunity". They are in contact with someone that is complimentary, gives them an ego boost, attention, security, distraction from the real issues, and/or an excuse not to be responsible for their own happiness. Also, it is like a safety net, if things get worse with their spouse, they don't have to feel too much pain, they have someone lined up. I think it is a human tendency to protect oneself from pain, but the way it is done is very short sighted. It is easier to compartmentalize things and be in denial about the possible (and probable) consequences.

So easily done, so much damage.

Sue

Sue, I really like your explination of why people get involved in affairs.

I would also like to go on record as saying that I believe there are people who would never have an affair.

I think the mere fact that we are here is an illustration that this can happen to anyone.

Is it preventable? Not by the BS in most cases. Yes, the stars have to be lined up the right way, and yes, some are more resistant than others. Some believe that the act or engagement of an affair will bring enlightenment to or ease the pain of a troubled marriage. It only shifts a sharp focus onto the act itself, rather than what needs to be cured in the marriage.

In my personal case, it was a breakdown in our communication that was a central issue. It was a lack of feeling safe to express ourselves to each other about the painful or the joyous aspects of our marriage. This led to a flattening out of our interchanges to only talking about the kids, or about what needed to be done the next day.

Her "A" (ONS) focused too much of the pain on what she did, and it is only now that we are getting around to confronting some of the deep seated issues of our M.

In some ways, even though I found out on my own, her move begins to have the feel of martyrdom. I don't believe she derived any real satisfaction from her "fling", and is saddled with shame and remorse. Had she come to me, and told me of her disatisfaction (although I certainly knew it) we could have begun to work together to conquer some of the ills of our M.

She had to deal with my hurt, my overall feeling that my M had been cheapened, and the overriding anger and initial revulsion I felt toward her.

Why? Because she was away with her friends, and her friends told her it was okay.

Now she is less three friends.

It is a sad, tawdry little drama. Or maybe a morality play.

Just another point of view, some people have affairs because they want to. The OM in my wife’s last affair was a predator, both our minister and counselor agreed on that without being told what the other said.

At the time, July of 2002, the affair with my wife was his fourth affair on his wife in seven years, during that time she had two revenge affairs on him. They deserve each other, but the more I learned about their situation from his wife, the more I think they were doing it to keep their relationship exciting. I know that sounds sick to most of us, but I truly believe they were doing it for the excitement because they didn’t know how to excite each other.

For the OM, he was in one sense trying to recapture his youth, my wife was just another notch in his belt or bedpost if you will. He has learned to recognize unhappiness or discontent in other women. He orchestrated the affair starting three months ahead of his first “private” phone call to my wife.

He started by telling both my wife and myself that his wife quit taking her anti-depressants and his home life was miserable. He involved his children when they were upset with his wife. As time progressed, his children became more and more upset as they were witness to increased verbal fighting at home. Then he would relay how terrible she was treating the children at home to both of us.

It was a game to him, and he used his wife, his kids, my wife, and myself as pawns in the game. It was carefully planned and he was in control of it step by step. At the same time he was talking to my wife in one way, he would talk to me in another. Each step of the way he was getting more information and utilizing in his plan to bed her.

Now, I am not trying to defend her actions, but I know I would have seen a lot more of the warning signs earlier if he hadn’t played us both. This wasn’t the first time he did this, at his workplace with a male co worker and his wife who both worked there he did much the same thing. It culminated in him having sex with her at the workplace in a storage room, thirty feet from where her husband was eating his lunch. They did it in a storeroom over a lunch break, standing up.

So, not only does circumstance play into affairs, for some, for the sexual predator, the planning and control are a game to them. The forbidden sex is just the icing on the cake. And by the way, his wife didn't quit taking her meds, she was never on meds. Ofcourse when he would tell us this starting three months ahead of making his first private phone call to my wife, he would warn us that talking about her meds made his wife go ballistic. So neither of us ever brought the issue up to her.

Dave

Edited to add:

I also think the power and control over others is like a drug to some.

Very good responses.  Each and every one of them is valid. Some A's start for one or more of those reasons. In my case, my H's A was complex, meaning more than one of the reasons stated came into play. But the main point to remember is that the A was the WS's choice no matter what the reason was. I take full responsibility for any marriage issues that I contributed to, but I will not take responsibility for his choice to go outside the marriage to cheat.  I too believe the choice to cheat has a lot to do with your morals and values, not just opportunity.  Give someone an opportunity who is of low moral character and more than likely an A will occur. It is no wonder A's are so common.

I am the opposite of my mother. My mother cheated on my father and I swore I would never inflick that same pain on my children or my spouse. I swore I would be the best wife and mother I could be and I would leave my H before I would cheat on him.  In fact, my H says that I am a great mom and a wonderful wife, and that I did nothing to cause him to cheat.  He takes full responsibility for the A. However, my H is exactly like his father.  His father cheated on his mother.  He knows the pain it caused, which totally baffles me.  Why would he knowing inflick that same pain on his own wife & children...it is beyond me! 

Like Charlie, my H has drug addictions. My H has an addictive personality and intimacy issues. The OW and the A was just like any other drug, and the fact that they did drugs together only made it even that more addicting. Then add my H's childhood issues to that, which is why he probably does drugs in the first place, and you have someone who is distant, refuses to communicate, and avoids.  And he is a workaholic, which is just another way to avoid intimacy. No one can get through the wall he has built, I have tried for the last two years. As long as H does drugs and avoids,  he is incapable of having an intimate relationship and withdraws the minute he starts to feel close.  Only he can address his demons. These are his issues and there is nothing I could have done to have prevented the A, other than leaving him before it happened. I am not a mind reader or a psychologist and I had no idea it was all going to lead to this, although I did have my suspictions.  I guess I always just hoped he loved me enough not to. But now I know that an A has nothing to do with love or me, it has to do with H and his issues.  If he never addresses them, they are never going to go away and he will always be susseptible to having A's and continue with his addictions.

Take Care...Carol~

Brian said he thinks everyone will cheat if the situation is right... That BS. I had the chance to betray my wife. I knew in the back of my mind the marriage had soured, though I still refused to admit it. I met this gal and scheduled a date with her. But I realized my wife and children are more important too me than a strange piece of ass just because I am unhappy. So I don't go on the date, I follow my wife out and find she had been cheating for a month. At least one of us had our priorities right................