Things are going okay. Actions are wonderful and appreciated, loving and seemingly sincere. Then why am I still looking for and thinking I need more?
The old "men are visual, women are verbal" seem to fit what I'm feeling and seeing. H is being GREAT about showing me his feelings through actions ie: holding hands, little touches, having coffee ready in the morning ect...
frustrating to me is the spoken/written WORDS that are missing. I hear "I love you", but that has lost a lot of meaning to me coming from him, Hell, I heard that the entire time the A was going on.
I realize that men, in general, are sometimes more verbally challenged than women (no offense to those that aren't). In my case I can pour out emotion, opinion and observation enough for myself and most of the men in the midwest!!! Still, I need to hear it from H. ***that feeling of asking too much is creeping in.....
H says he never knows WHAT to say, that the words in his head won't seem to come out of his mouth. He's afraid that by reassuring me, by comforting me, by apologizing to me, only brings up the past and painful feelings.
MEN: (WS I guess is better) this is not true!!!! Sincerity, no matter on what subject, is appreciated. It may bring up bad feelings, but it is cleansing the wound that must be opened up from time to time to heal properly.
Counselor suggested that I write down the things I need to hear, and have H carry them around so he can have the right words....I've taken that idea and made it my own. I don't want MY words to be his crutch, I want HIS words to be the salve that helps me heal. H is verbally challenged when it comes to this, and I know this, and understand (a little) this, and accept this as the truth. Saying that, I came up with a "cheat sheet" for him. Just a few starter words to get the ball rolling. That way, he's got the basics of what I need to hear, but his own words/feelings to complete them. Guys (and gals) let me know if this seems at all helpful, or if I'm just overanalyzing and expecting the same from H.
WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, TRY THIS:
*I'm glad you _____________
*I think we're____________
*Thank you for______________
*Looking back I realize____________
*I will never_____________
*I will always_____________
*I hate it when____________
*I wish you knew/believed that_____________
*I'm sorry that I hurt you by______________
*I worry that____________
*I love you because______________
maybe (when I'm ready, when you may be ready) our WS could talk. Your wife could tell my H the right words, and he could tell her the actions to show!!!
We've tried to embrace the "little things" be it words or actions. It's amazing how such a small thing like him turning on the seat heater in the car for me shows me that he's thinking of me. If only he could turn that into words!!!
From a womans point of view (a woman who sometimes can't stop talking about how she feels). It's about the listening, about having someone KNOW how you feel, not so much about the response.
I2P, you said, "From a womans point of view (a woman who sometimes can't stop talking about how she feels). It's about the listening, about having someone KNOW how you feel, not so much about the response."
You're right and from a man's point of view (a man who can't say what he feels). It's about him wanting to "fix" it rather than talk about it. When a woman, that a certain man cares for, complains about something he wants to fix it not realizing that most of the time the woman just wants to talk about it instead of requiring action on his part.
I learned some of the most valuable lessons of my life from a (female) FWS who posts on our boards. It was long after discovery and long after I realized "it ain't about an affair any more". Many of those lessons dealt with making it safe for my partner to tell me deep feelings and difficult truths, and just learning how to listen to the woman I love. I think it's fair to put words in her mouth and say that she learned some things from me, too.
When you are ready, you both will probably learn something from a FWS who is not your FWS. But it takes a while to get to that point.
Chris.
This message has been edited by chris924 on Nov 4, 2006 9:32 AM
Unfortunately it was too late for my marriage. See, I didn't find these boards until more than two years after d-day, when I discovered a couple of (non-affair) betrayals. But it sent me right back to square one, only this time I was mad as hell.
And I didn't deal with my anger well. Even though it was perfectly justified, I chose to live in my anger instead of in my marriage. People kept asking me if I wanted to be right or wanted to be married. I kept picking "right" until the WS I'm referring to helped me see that there were some things I needed to do better.
But I ended up divorced. And I didn't open myself to a new relationship for two years, until I was sure I could do things right. So far, I can (I'm told by a wonderful woman).
