Well, we went to the shrink and talked. A lot...I told him how I have been doing some bad things, what happened with my W Sat. night, attempting to remove the OM, etc... etc... What we have discovered is that with each of my indiscretions I am actually fixing myself. Because of my crappy childhood, I apparently do not have the proper coping skills to deal with a crisis of this type. He agrees that I am going a totally messed up way about it, but it is actually working for me. The OM is a non-issue now. By trying to get my revenge on him, I released my anger towards him.

I have had a mistrust of women my whole life...Thanks Mom....Anyhow, the only woman I ever allowed myself to trust betrayed me. So I have been shitting on her to no end to try and regain my trust in her. I did the absolute worst thing I could imagine to her Sat. and she still stayed. I have been stuck in a cycle of pushing her away then slowly letting her back close. But my fear of her hurting me again always made me push her back again, but harder each time. She keeps asking if I can see US in the future. I always refused to answer that, Shrink said it was because of my fear of being hurt. But recently, I have done 2 things I have not done before. 1, I came out of my rage on my own. 2, I was finally able to tell her I see an US in the future.

I read what everyone thought about what I did. I went to the abuse sites to see if I was an abuser. I do the silent treatment. I talked with the shrink about it and told him I was worried maybe I was abusive. I talked with him and W about how I was worried she was possibly afraid of me or maybe had some reason to fear me. I wanted him to talk to her and make sure she was safe. I also told her she could have stopped me Sat. night. She stopped me once, she could have stopped me again. I also told her if she is uncomfortable with anything I say or do, stop me. She doesn't deserve what I did the other night and she doesn't have to take the crap I have been throwing at her. She did wrong, but doesn't deserve what I have been doing. I have tried to throw her out several times, she wouldn't go. I would just drop it. I won't physically make her go, so I tried mentally and she still wouldn't go. She should know she is safe. She did go along with what I did Sat. night because she was afraid I'd throw her out if she didn't. So I guess everyone is right about her being afraid. I would have stopped if I saw it that way.

I still don't feel bad about what happened Sat night. The reason I don't feel bad is not because of what I did, but because I finally believe she is going to stay. She does love me. I would never subject her to that again. I do feel bad about Sat. night because I did put her through hell and I hurt her on purpose. I know she didn't have the A to hurt me on purpose, but it still feels that way.

She feels that if Sat night is what it takes to get us over the hump, then it was worth it. If not, she will never forgive me. That would probably be the saddest part of this whole mess, that I hurt her on purpose.

BS

Jordan it sounds like you made some great progress in therapy. The first step to solving a problem is to admit you have one. You made some great baby steps.

Kid

For some reason you feel justified for what you did. You are nothing more than a bully. Your wife is in a very bad place. She is dependant on you and therefore feels she needs to put up with your crap. She needs to wake up and take a stand for herself. Even if she doesn't, it does not give you the right to beat up on her.

.

Excuse me for insulting you. How many times would one have to behave the way you did for me to legitimately call you a bully? I believe that night you bullied your wife. You seem to think you accomplished something by acting that way. I think you are skating on very thin ice and you need more help than you are getting. Lots of people here have told you that your behavior appalled them. I say you acted like a bully that night and you are upset by my judgemental labeling. You shared what you shared to get people's reactions. I think you bullied your wife. You can take it how you want. I think you need to talk with someone who professionally has experiences dealing with people that mistreat others. Hopefully you have learned a good deal from this. Sometimes behavior escalates further, sometimes people learn and become more humble from atrocious behavior. I think you have justified your behavior and may repeat it or escalate it. I hope this is not true. I do not know you and I do not know what you have learned or not. I am just reacting to what you have written, as others have done.
jbean

I do not know exactly what your "shrink" told you but I can say with some certainty that he did not find your behavior acceptable regardless of your so called "break through", nor your wife's submissiveness.  And if he did you both need to go elsewhere for help.

The only reason you feel the OM is a non-issue at this moment is because you feel you got your revenge by reclaiming your territory by sexually abusing your wife.  But what happens the next time you feel slighted and betrayed and you are triggered by the A?  What are you going to do to feel better next time...to feel justified...how far will it go?  This is what scares me Jordan.  I do not want anyone to be hurt physically or mentally.  Psychological damage lasts far longer than anything you can dishout physically...sometimes it is permanent.  Think about your childhood Jordan...you are still suffering because of it.  Now think about your wife....think about what you have done to her.  Is relief from your own pain worth the pain you have purposely inflicted on your wife?

Carol~

EDITED TO ADD:

I am glad you talked to someone and admitted you have a problem.  But like most WS's (although I know you are the BS), you are justifying your behavior.  There is no excuse for what you did.

If this shrink actually told you that your criminal behavior is helping the situation, he should lose his license. I can't believe that any qualified therapist--psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker or whatever would actually state that your behavior was helpful in any way.

I hope that Cyndee will go to a safe place, since your behavior only escalates to more violent behavior. I don't care what she did, she did not commit a crime and you did. I only hope she can find the courage to leave or kick you out. If I were her, I would not want to be in the same house or even the same city. Your next crime could be something that you can not excuse. I have no empathy for you after the things you have done and the things you have thought about (running over the OMs child). Thinking about killing an inocent child is horrible and you don't get it, just as you don't get it that you raped your wife.

Lili

.

Come on people, if this night was as violent as everyone is thinking do you really think he would have posted it and then told his shrink. This person he went to is a professional and I am sure he has a grasp of the situation. I too when I read the post thought the worst, but I am going to have to give him credit for going to someone and telling that story. It sounded like the shrink (I use the term shrink because it is all I know how to spell) talked to Cyndee alone to make sure she felt safe. That makes me think we are seeing this as some violent evening when as wrong as it was, was probably no where near what all of us have pictured.

Jordan is going to need help because if he found out he could not trust his mom that would truely damage a person for life. I am probably alone here but I think he has found a good shrink. That has already found the root of the problem told him what he did was wrong and made sure his wife felt like she was in a safe place.

Now Jordan try to realize that everyday that passes is a day your child is going through hell. Think about what your mom did to you and realize that your son is not blind and even though he might be out of the house when this crap happens he deals with the fall out. Stop the cycle of abuse now or you might be condeming you sons to the same life you have. Good luck and stop reliving and start living.

No good comes from abuse for anyone...the end does not justify the means.

Take Care...Carol~

 

Nonamek, thanks for a little support, really didn't expect any. I may be a crappy husband, but I am a good dad. If it were not for my son deserving two loving parents, this marriage would have been over D-Day. But because he deserves it, I swallowed my pride and am trying to save it. My childhood was horrendous, beatings, neglect, & no love. My kids have never had worse than a spanking with a hand and never more than 3 swats. My kids are very loved. He has seen me cry a few times and W a couple times too. But thankfully we have been conciderate of our kids and can cover the hurt pretty well. It is hard to put on a happy face for the kids when you are dying inside. But at least one of us can hold it together when the other is down.

BS

Jordan

I for one do not believe that you raped your wife. However your story sure made it sound like you did. I think people are reacting the way they are because your post painted too graphic of a picture. I think I asked my wife to have sex with me then I said terrible things to her to make her cry during the sex, would have probably been a better way to tell the story. Like I said earlier I would have bet your counslor would have got to the bottom of this. I hope I am right and I do wish you luck.

I was using the following definition for the word bully. a : a blustering browbeating person; especially : one habitually cruel to others who are weaker

The actions you described seemed to fit this definition. I apologize if I was mistaken, it was the impression you gave. The habitual part of the definition, I know nothing about and therefore, it may not be an appropriate word to use. I apologize because I do not really know if you habitually treat your wife this way. I suspect not, but I don't know.

I will keep my big mouth shut on the subject.

I know you have erased your description of that night with your wife. Why?

I appreciated your honesty. It was a bit harsh. I did not think a somewhat harsh response would be inappropriate, but it was.

Take care of yourself, your wife and your kids.
jbean

I personally do not feel there is any need for anyone to apologize...Jordan or anyone who posted a response.  We are all grown ups. If we cant take it we shouldnt dish it out.  And we are entitled to our opinions and are here to help each other...sugar coating something is not necessary if you aske me...who deos that help?  There have been many times that I have been hit by the 2X4 wielders around here, and you know who you are, lol. But seriously, I needed to hear the truth, whether I liked it or not and so does Jordan.  If he doesnt feel the same way that is OK, that is his right and absolutely nothing wrong with that. And this is just my opinion....yours may vary

Take Care....Carol~

Isn't Carol Great?!?!!!
Thank you, just what I need to hear after feeling like I have inserted my foot in my mouth.
jbean