I got an email a couple of months ago from the husband of the woman my husband was having an affair with. It was a loveletter to my husband. It was very descriptive about the affair she was having with my husband. There had been signs for over a year and every time I confronted my husband about it, he made me feel like I was accusing him of something he never did. He lied to me over and over. I also confronted the woman last Christmas and she did everything she could to convince me that she was just "friends" with my husband. ANyway, it was all a lie and my husband has told me "everything". My problem is that I am so angry and sad right now that I can't get it out of my mind. I think about it all the time. I want revenge...I want to know every detail...I think there is more that I don't know about and I want to know. I obsess about it. I am miserable and I feel crazy. We have agreed to work on the marriage and my husband feels terrible and admits it was all a mistake. I believe in forgiveness because no-one is perfect, but it doesn't change that I can't stop thinking about it and get really down. I am disgusted and insulted and I hate that he has changed our relationship that I thought was really good. How do I get all my questions answered? How do I accept that I may never get my answers? Part of me feels like I need these answers to move on. I do love my husband and he is a great dad. He also is a good husband...I think that is how this happened with the other woman. She was in a miserable relationship and my husband is handsome, sweet, successful, sensitive, etc...what every woman wants...I think she seduced him and he was weak. I don't know...like I said, I feel like I am going crazy because I am rationalizing what he did and the lies, etc., when the truth is, he must not be as great as I thought he was. I cannot even keep my thoughts/words straight...so much is in my head right now. It has been 2 months since I found out and I am not thinking about it any less, so time really isn't healing any wound. I don't want to leave him, but I am so mad right now that I have lost all confidence and trust and my life as I knew it, that I am really wondering if I am going to resent him anyway.
Sorry you find yourself here. This is the place no one wanted to find.
First, you're normal. We were all where you are once...couldn't stop thinking about it, wishing it were different, mad, sad, everything.
Second, you seem to be on the right track: you're not focused on the other woman (OW); you understand that HE screwed up.
What's happening between you now? Is he making his life an open book? Is he answering your questions? Those things can go a long way to calming you down.
Please let us know a little more, and maybe we can help a little more.
Chris. Unfortunately, I do tend to focus on the OW too much. Would you believe she had the gall to send a Christmas card to our house?? to make a long, long, long story short. Basically, my husband was her boss. She was his employee and was having marriage troubles. My husband is a very good listener and she took that as though he may have been interested in her. He said things to her like "you can trust me", etc. He told me that she met him out at his car once after work and asked him if he wanted to go to a hotel. They went to a hotel and had sex. This was over a year ago. I found out about the hotel almost immediately because it was on his credit card and was lied to about it. In the past year, she had left messages on his phone, had sent pictures of himself, had given him calling cards so I could not detect when he was calling her, she gave him a christmas present, she gave him a "coupon" for sex, she sent him flirty emails and of course, the love letter. My husband denied and lied about all of this for over a year until I got a copy of the letter. He admitted sleeping with her ONCE, but this letter explicity mentions other times. He answers my questions, but only sticking to his original story that it was one time and he had told her it was a mistake right from the beginning and it was lust and nothing else. I know there are more times, but I can't get him to admit it and I am feeling it is driving me crazy until I know for sure. My instinct was correct a year ago, and I feel there is no way I am going to ignore my instinct on this one. By the way, this letter was also sent to my husband's boss and my husband was demoted for a fear of a sexual harrassment suit. If he told her it was a mistake and told her that he loved me why would she have continued to pursue him for a year after the "one night"? She made references of marriage in this letter and trips and sex and holding hands and talking etc. He says she is crazy and made it all up. I would be a fool to believe someone who has lied to me for an entire year.
My H told me that it was only one time also. He swore to that for 6 months , then i found out that it was a lie , there where other times. It went to only once ,to 3 times , then 4 times now we are up to 6 times. It has taken 15 months to get this much out of my H. And of course he swears that now i know it all. Well that has been said before.
Go with your instinct, i did , i knew my H was lying about how many times. I feel that we the BS 's feel things in our gut, so go with you gut.
Everyone one here told me that that is normal , that they only tell alittle bit at a time. I guess that is true.
I hope you find the truth for your sake.
Kathy
I am at the 10 month past d-day stage, and I can tell you, trying to forget doesn't help... you have to really work through the pain, the sadness, the anger and the frustration. I learned most of what I wanted to know through the OW. She was more then willing to share the ugly details. Now I wish that I DIDN'T know most of what I learned. I too thought I needed to know every last detail of every date, every sexual encounter, text message etc... I have rethought that notion many times, and I understand your desires all to well! What you mostly need to know, and understand, is what led to your H to have the A. What was going on in your marriage that wasn't working for him? Or for you? Once the A was discovered, we started to communicate, and some of it was very hard for me to hear... but over the last 10 months, we have made a lot of changes in our relationship and it is better, stronger and more committed then we have ever been. I still hurt, sometimes I am still very angry at him, but I also have accepted my part in what led to the A in the first place. Don't try and find out the little details... all they do is hurt you. If your H is willing to work his ass off (and you too) and you both can see that you still have a foundation to work from, you can rebuild. Take care of yourself, we are all here to help you through the beginning stages, which I can say are very hard, and is going to take a lot of work to get through. But I have found that I am actually happier in my marriage now then I was before, because we are being honest and open with one another. Good Luck! Keep the faith...
Keri
>>we started to communicate, and some of it was very hard for me to hear...I have found that I am actually happier in my marriage now then I was before, because we are being honest and open with one another<<
Keri discovered one "truth" of recovery. Sometimes the truth dribbles out because the WS fears reaction (or overreaction). People who've successfully fixed their marriages after the affair often write here about getting to the point where they could listen to hurtful things without reacting instantly and negatively.
That's the job of the betrayed spouses: to get through the hurt and anger to the point where we can really hear what our partner says to us. If we make it safe, they may be more inclined to talk.
It's no guarantee, though. And it's easy to get stuck in "angry", so that it's never safe for a WS to tell the whole story.
It's also possible that a WS just doesn't have the interest or skills to make things right. Many of us (me included) realized long after the affair that our spouses were "stonewallers" who just didn't want to deal with difficult interpersonal difficulties in a straightforward way.
You probably won't know which your husband is for a while, but you sure won't find out unless and until you dial it back a notch and instead of demanding the truth and beating him into submission, you just listen and thank him for being open and honest with you. No argument, no yelling, no "how could you", no crying, no sarcasm. Just listen to him and say "thank you" when he's done. That makes it safe to get the whole story out, if that's what you really want.
I feel that we are on the road to recovery. He is doing and saying everything right. I need to find ways to cope with it when it pops into my mind. I have only been with my husband...EVER.. I saved myself for HIM. I just feel that may have been a waste...I obviously see it more special than he does. Although right now, the sex is incredible. I think he really realizes how much he loves me and how much he may have lost...Not to mention that the OW is a complete loser. Some days I feel like I can deal with this and other days I just can't. I have been reading these chat rooms for weeks now and reading everyone's story and they are all so similar. Alot of the reasons men have affairs is just for the sex. They want to live a fantasy life. What pisses me off is that us wives are sitting at home raising the kids and keeping the house together while they are off having their fun. For the first time my husband is actually seeing what I do and is appreciating it... Anyway, this chat room is helping me more than I thought it would and I thank you for all your support and advice. I do have faith in my marriage..It is just hard. I do feel that eventually this will make our marriage stronger..I can already feel that. I just wish that forgetting wasn't so hard.
K.... how did you find out about the other times your husband cheated?