I have a question, because again, I think about this so much I am going crazy. I don't want to go into the whole story again, but what is the liklihood that it was just one time? Like I said, I think about things constantly, and I imagine a one night stand to be with someone you hardly know and then its done and over. My husband had sex with someone who he had an emotional affair with prior. Also, there were definite feelings on her part because in the letters she wrote him she said "you will be in my heart forever". Also, in the letters she mentions other times. They continued to work together and one time I went to surprise him after work, and she was waiting for him out by his car. She saw me and took off. I asked him about this and he said, of course, that she is crazy and that the other times she mentioned were things "she had wanted" and that she continued to pursue something. He swears to me it was only one time. What are your thoughts....am I crazy??? How do I find out the truth? Do I call her? Please help me because I am starting to feel bitterness and I know that is moving in the wrong direction.

My H told me it was only once also, but it took 6 months for more details to come out, it did take me calling the OW to find out that it had been more than just once.She told me some different things to check on and i ask him about them and he broke down and confessed to the other times. We are 16 months out of D- Day and just 2 months ago i found out about a time he forgot to tell me about.
Don't be suprised if you find out things alittle at a time
Everyone here says that is normal, that they test the waters , so to speak, before they tell you everything. Who knows if we will ever really know everything!
I haven't talk to the OW since then , but there are times that i want to call her and see if the stories match now.
I don't know if i should do that or not.But it eats at me all the time, and at the same time i don't want her to have any control over me. It's a catch 22! Damned if i do and damned if i don't. I wish someone could tell me what i should do also.
If you feel in your gut that he is not telling you the whole story , then he probably isn't. I found that out the hard way, but i guess there is NO easy way.
I hope you find what you are looking for. Keep in touch. If i can help let me know.

I take it from what you are saying you want total honesty from your H and you don't feel you are getting it so you are asking what are the chances that he is telling the truth about a one and only time.

I suspect that if OW wrote about other times then there were indeed other times because she was writting to your H. She was not writting about those other times for your benefit, she didn't know you would read it/them.

The key to this is listening to your gut. Deep down you know what you suspect to be true and it probably is true. You have to guage how remorseful, if at all, your H is. Many WS continue to lie to protect themselves. They even get better at continuing the affair while their partner is trying to hold back the avalanch of emotions of betrayal.

Avoid contacting OW. Why would she tell you the truth any way? She may just toy with you. She may still be after your H. You would only give her power over you. She probably won't give a darn about your pain. You would probably only get more pain from talking to her. All the issues are with your H. He is the one committed to you, not her.

Wish you well,

H2C

Heed to H2's suggestions- he is right on the $$.

Disclosure is like peeling an onion... one layer at a time ... it can be very hard and painful - and it is when TIME (that 4 letter word we all have a love/hate relationship with) is your friend.

Wishing you peace and the strength to find it.

And as you walk you make your path Kat

you guys are absolutely right. my instinct is totally telling me that I don't know everything and if my husband cannot be completely truthful with me, that fear is always out there that i will get hurt again. I had a bit of an outburst last night. He has been great since D Day, but I can't get past the hurt and the mistrust. How do I believe what he even says to me if he has lied to me in the past and is probably still lying to me. How do I believe all these wonderful things he is telling me when he told me the same things when he was cheating on me. I have ZERO self esteem right now. I get the feeling now that I can't even bring it up anymore without him getting defensive and bringing up past things I may have done. I told him last night that my problems did not give him the permission to F*ck someone else. He basically just sits and takes it, but I feel like I have been trying to be so understanding and now it is turning into bitter feelings. I am bitter for trusting him and giving him all I have and being betrayed. How do you ever get resolve??? Kath...where do you draw the line? when do you say this is enough? I have told my husband that I don't want anymore surprises...frankly, I could not take it. I told him that if there are anymore suprises, I am done... Have you told your husband that? Did he still take the chance to keep things from you? I am so tired of hearing "I don't remember"... I feel like my only resolve is to call the OW...I know that is going to cause alot of trouble, because she works with him and I know that other people would get involved....I don't even care what I find out, because I don't think I could feel any worse. H2C--what do you think the real reason is for NC?

I told my H the same thing, no more surprises, but yes he still would say " you know everything now' and later i would find out something else, so yes he would take the chance on still keeping things from me.
I know how you feel, i too am soooooooo tired of hearing "i don't remember'.How can you not remember the things you did to destroy your marriage?
I wish i knew where to draw the line, but i guess i don't because i am still here trying to work on this marriage and at times i am not sure if i want to anymore but at other times this is my marriage i want to save it.
I am one mixed up person still after all this time.

""""H2C--what do you think the real reason is for NC?""""

To avoid giving that person power over you. I've found, and please don't be offended by what I'm about to say about a gender specific issue, that women often take competitive stances more so than men when it comes to relationship partners just from what I've seen here on the forum. Generally speaking, men want to harm OM, women want to compete with and win back from OW. OW would probably eat it up that she had you in such a tizzy in turn causing you more pain. Do you not have this urge? However, there are exceptions to the rule and she could be remorseful and regret having caused you pain. I wouldn't count on that second part though. That's about as likely to happen as your H has disclosed all of the details already.

Kathy said, "How can you not remember the things you did to destroy your marriage?"

Because he was not thinking at the time he was having an affair that he would need to recall every little detail some day to explain it all to his hurt wife. You were never supposed to find out, remember? The truth is, we will never know everything for that very reason.

The need to know the details will fade some day and you might move into the long range effect on the psychie phase where you wonder if your spouse is still secretly carring a torch for the OP. You've got so much to look forward to. LOL

I agree with what the others have said.

<<The need to know the details will fade some day and you might move into the long range effect on the psychie phase where you wonder if your spouse is still secretly carring a torch for the OP. You've got so much to look forward to. LOL>>

I am somewhat at this stage. D-day number one I wanted to know some details. Then later I wanted to know more.  Now I still have some questions but I truly wonder if he is carrying a torch for OW after d-day number two. <sigh>.  We cannot truly know what is in the heart and mind of another...they only let us see what they want us to see. Total honesty is necessary in order to move forward.  It takes time and it is painful...but in the end if the two of you have a better marriage, the work can be worth it. I believe that or I would not still be with my H.

Take Care...Carol~

You've told your H you can't take any more surprises and that if there is another you will leave.......

but you aren't happy because you don't have the details.........

Unfortunately as a BS sometimes we inadvertently send the wrong message to our spouse because we aren't in a right frame of mind. Based on what you post, as a WS I would be terrified of any further details escaping since it might be the nail in the marital coffin.

By trying to remain calm while he tells you new things and by supporting the fact that you want 100% honesty and the truth it may make it easier for him to tell you things you want to know.

He needs to feel safe or likely he won't be revealing anything more than he already has. After all what would be the point if the BS is halfway out of the marriage already?

K