My husband went to Mississippi after hurricane Katrina for 9 months to work with FEMA. My son and I stayed in NC because there was no housing down there and this is home. We ALWAYS had a great relationship and marriage. We had just celebrated our 10th anniversary before he left to go down there. When he came home in April of 2006, things went downhill. He even told me he did not know if he loved me like he used too and did not know what he wanted anymore. He now tells me that was his guilt speaking that he did not think he deserved me and could not bear to look in my eyes. He actually told me if anything this whole thing has shown him how much he DOES love me and want me. We have bee through al the counseling and even renewed our vows. I actually did the investigation to discover the affair. All he would admit to at first was basically emotional and friedship. I found an email that said he loved her. (boy did that hurt like hell). Finally in November he confessed to everything (he says anyway) He said they were together about 8 times during the 6 month affair. He continued to talk to her for about 8 weeks after he came home. He now tells me that looking back he tells me he has no idea why he did it. He said she was not attractive. Others have told me she is just plain ugly. She is the single parent of 3 children and drinks and I was told she pursued him before he finally went through with the deal. He says that they just worked closely together and he would talk to her about me and our son and that it jus hapened when everyone from the office was out one night. He has answered almost every question I have throw at him, except for why. I just feel like I really need this answer to let it go. Could he really not know the answer. Please tell me how I move on without knowing why he did tis to start with. I love him and I know he is very sorry forwhat happened and that he loves me too. I gave him every opportunity o go to her or just leave and he said that is not wat he wants. Why do I feel I have to validate myself all of the time? Please help me, I feel like I am starting to spn out of control at times. Can a cheater really be sorry and regretful? Why did he sleep with her more than one time if he was so sorry? Why did he lie when I flat out asked him to lets put it all out there and deal with it? AND WHY CANT HE GIVE ME THE ANSWER AS TO WHY? How do I put this behind me? Its been a whle now and it still feels raw most of the time. Is this normal? Then on top of everything, this woman harrassed us for months telling me everything I would listen to. I dont know if I should believe everything she has told me or what my husband has told me. After all these months she still finds ways to make our life hell. Even though we have changed numbers and emails. From working in personel at the office he worked at, she has used his ss# to get new number info etc. We have had to put everything in my name now. Why cant she just leave us alone? Is it normal for me to hate her and forgive my husband?

ASV,

Sorry you had to find the club nobody wants to join, but there are a lot of great people here than can share with you.

For me, D-day was July 2nd, 2002. I caught my wife in an affair with my (ex) best male friend and fishing partner. They worked together, and like your situation a "workplace" affair happened.

As for answering the question why, that is one that you may never find an answer to. The closest thing to an answer I recieved in the last four years was "I got stupid!" Now for a betrayed spouse this isn't much of an answer to why.

I would suggest reading "After the Affair" and the "Monongomy Myth", both should be available at any chain bookstore or can be ordered online. They both helped me understand that the affair had nothing to do with me as a husband or person. The also helped me understand that I may never know or get an acceptable answer to the why question.

You will hear people refer to "la la land", the world of an affair is an escape from reality for most wandering spouses. They have no responsibilities, they have their egos's stroked, and they have fun. But its all make believe in one sense, because sooner or later, they have to come back to reality.

Putting it behind you isn't an option, his affair is now part of your relationship history. Basically the relationship you had is dead, it was killed by the affair, what you have now is a new relationship. This new relationship has to be built on honesty, on individual responsibility, and with much effort and TIME. You will find out that it is the worst four letter word you know...TIME.

Recovery and rebuilding can be done, my wife and I are still together. In our relationship, the new one, communication is the part that is really better. It still occasionally hurts, but my mantra through the process was, "Forgiving is not forgetting...It's remembering with your mind at peace." It takes a while to get to that point.

As for your question about is it normal to hate her and forgive your husband, the easy answer is yes. The hardest part is accepting what is now "normal" in your life.

Keep your chin up, and keep coming back, nobody here is a professional counselor to my knowledge, we are, like you, betrayed spouses. Be warned that you will on the open board encounter FWS...Former Wandering Spouse's... the emphasis on FORMER!!! When you are ready, you will probably find that you can learn a lot from them also. There is one person here, a FWS that helped me more than words can ever explain...but don't try to rush any of this process. Take it one day...one step at a time.

Hope this helps,

Dave

I don't even know what normal is anymore. My emotions are changing everyday. Although I suppose that s better than every 5 minutes like it used to be right after D-day. I knew deep in my heart all along but the day that he finally confessed (I thought I would be able to handle it)my world crashed when I heard him say they had sex. I keep remembering things that he said or she said in the past all ofthe time and I try to analyze. I know thats not good, I really do want to be happy again and get this in the past where it belongs. Everytime I am having a good time and fill happy, the smallest thought can bring me crashing down! I feel that the seperation due to his job was a HUGE factor, we had never been apart. I have read after the affair and my favorite is 'Not! Just friends!". I am doing so much better than I was, I wish I had found this site a few months ago. I think I a more hurt by him lying and making me feel like I was going crazy for those few months than anything. Crazy, isn't it! Its so nice to hear of people that say that their marriages have worked out and are evn better. All I got at Yahoo!Answers. was 'dump the scumbag...and once a cheat, always a cheat" I really dont believe that but after so many people say it...you begin to wonder. Thanks for responding to my post. It feels so good to be able to talk to someone that 'has been there'. People that have never been in that situation are so quit to tell you to leave. We have gone to counseling and conferences with our pastor, I DO believe in 'TIME' things will get better. He is still the love of my life and I still believe I am his...he made a mistake. I just wish the good days would start outnumbering the bad. I have been trying to keep a lot in lately because he has been so good and I do not want to drive him crazy with the same questions. I think he gets really frustrated that he messed up and he has not been able to 'fix' it by himself.


Also, just a question fr anyone that will answer. I stopped smoking 11yrs ago when I got pregnant with my son, but after all of this I am at a pack a day. Also, I never cared to drink...EVER...now I am drinking about 4-5 times a week so I can sleep through the night or feel intimate with my H without thoughts of 'him and her' interupting. Has anyone else been through this. Why can i allow myself to be so selfdestructive?

BTW, My name is Anna and my husbands name is Scott. Everyone else seems to be using names...so theres mine.

Anna,

I think most of us here have been through not knowing what “normal” is. Normal is what you are feeling right now, I know that sounds scary. You are on an emotional roller coaster, most of us here affectionately, well actually not so affectionately, refer to it as the ”rollercoaster from hell”.

Understand that you didn’t buy the ticket for this terrible ride, you were thrown on the rollercoaster, belted in, and now have to ride it. You can’t get off because at this point it seems like it never stops. Don’t worry, it will start stopping, it will slow down too. But again, this is going to take time.

Think of the affair as an atomic bomb, it was dropped right on your head, you have suffered the initial blast, the intense flash of realization of discovery. You have survived that, but now you look around and it seems there is total destruction everywhere. You are dealing with the fallout from that explosion.

I too started smoking again, and I shouldn’t have, I had a quad bypass in December of 2000. That is a bad sign, but the drinking is an even worse one. You have to back off that for your own good, alcohol is a depressant and the worst thing for you right now. You need to make time each day for a walk or some form of moderate exercise and you need to eat and sleep right.

Don’t think for a second that is easy, I remember vividly how hard it was. But it is so important for your health, and you will need all of your strength for the path you find yourself on.

One very good sign is your husband seems to have come clean about the affair, and many here will understand his frustration in trying to fix it. Sadly this isn’t like a broken pipe that you can get parts for and fix in a few hours. Most men are programmed I guess to try and fix things, but this is one that has to heal to be fixed.

You and he have to heal yourselves before you can truly heal the relationship.

Anna, what you are feeling at this point in the process is completely normal, there are stages of anger, fear, pain, frustration, and so many more that you may go through many times. Feeling ok one minute and anger or hurting the next is normal. It all takes time, rebuilding a broken relationship isn’t easy because in so many ways you as the betrayed spouse are now living with a “familiar stranger.” You also are in reality building a new relationship, because the old familiar one no longer “fits” or “feels” right.

You have to lay a solid foundation of open and honest communication to start with. On this foundation love and trust can be rebuilt, but it takes time, so damn much time and effort. And meanwhile you still ride the rollercoaster.

Anna, you are normal, but understand it is a new normal because you have been traumatized by the affair and all its implications.

Dave

If you see that there is a chatter in the chat room and you want to talk please join us. You will notice that there is a chatter by looking at the top of the area you are posting or by going to the bottom of the home page.

Hi there and welcome.

Dave said everything which needed to be said at this point. Thank you, Subster !!

My H and I are also together close to 9 years from D-day - was it easy ? hell no. Was it worthed..? I think so One day at a time ...

Wishing you peace and the strength to find it.

And as you walk you make your path Kat

You asked  the biggie "why"....many WS's cannot and do not really know how to answer that question. I can't tell you the "why", except to say that it is pure selfishness on the part of the WS, a weakness in the WS, and it's not your fault! Until the WS can figure out the "why" of it all and deal with it, the chances or a good marriage are not great.  Did your H go individual counseling to work on his issues and figure out why he did it?  The "why" is a WS's personal issue and only they can figure it out. If not, perhaps that route needs to be explored.  You both deserve to have the answer, and for each it will be different.

Take Care & best wishes...Carol~

Hi Anna,

First of all - welcome. The very best thing about finding this site (for me) was that I could bounce ideas off of the people and realize that I wasn't crazy! And, I think you'll find the people who say, "Oh, I'd dump him/her in a quick minute if I were cheated on!!" have never been there. Most certainly, they've never been in YOUR marriage, in your head, etc.

Normal... Ha! I used to say that I didn't even know what normal was anymore, my normal yardstick was so screwed up. But, from the sounds of your posts, what you're feeling is, unfortunately, normal for recovery. Lots of things you said were phases and stages I went through, too. I was mad as HELL at the OW but not my H (now my ex). I was trying to put our marriage back together, so I couldn't be "mad" at him. It HAD to have been all HER fault, right? No. He was the one I was married to, so he bore the responsibility to be faithful... But, it's hard to vocalize those feelings when we're already walking on eggshells and turning ourselves inside fearing that any little thing we do is going to send them back to the OW. That is ROUGH - but with some honest communication, you can get your feelings across.

As far as the OW having access to your personal info, I think I would call the office manager of the company she works for because what she's doing is against that LAW!! I would also tell her that if she continues to harrass you, you're going to file charges against her.

In your post, you mentioned not being able to sleep. I couldn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, and never more than 5 hours a night. I was going NUTS. If I don't get enough sleep, I feel like crap - so I went to my dr and got a month's supply of Sonata and she also put me on Lexapro. It made a HUUUUGE difference. The first day I slept through the night, I actually cried when I woke up because I felt so GOOD for getting 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep! I took up smoking again after my ex left - after having quit for 6 years. It's on my list to quit, I'd hate to think that I am going to get cancer out of this, like some kind of bizarro parting gift!!

Lots of WSs can't give a definitive "WHY" answer. My ex couldn't - he blameshifted a lot so he could live with himself and somehow justify the whole thing. In my mind, there is no answer which would make me say, "ohhhh, yeah, I understand and that's a perfectly acceptable answer" anyway. The important thing is to remember that, at the end of the day, it wasn't about YOU and what you did or didn't do... most likely, nothing you did or didn't do would have changed his mind.

It's good that your H is being forthcoming with you. Your H has to realize that he turned your life upside down so you're going to have questions that seem to pop up, out of the blue. Try and take care of yourself!! Come back and post here, we're here to help.

Monica

My yesterdays are all boxed up - and neatly put away.

funny how we all started smoking again. it definitely takes the "edge" off.

But WHY did you start smoking again? You know it's bad for you and for your children. So just tell me WHY!!!

Chris.

I started again because it seemed a better alternative to killing someone! I survived on cigarettes, water, and 1 small bag of Reese's pieces for every 2 days for 3 weeks... seriously.

I KNOW it's bad for me. I KNOW people die every day from cancer. I'm just dumb, I think!

Monica

My yesterdays are all boxed up - and neatly put away.

Want some "whys"?

How about "why" I dont smoke and never have....my father died of lung cancer when I was 14.  I saw the pain  it caused us all and many others.

How about "why" I never cheated...because my mother cheated on my father since I was about 5 until the day he died.  I saw the pain it caused us all and many others.

These are over simplified "whys" but it makes a point.

Take Care...Carol~

I dont know why I even bought that 1st pack, it just for some reason seemed a bit comforting. As silly as it sounds I feel like it helped me 'breathe' again. I was not eating, sleeping, thinking or anything, the cigarettes were almost like my security. Maybe I felt like I was doing something wrong and in a stupid little way it validated it somehow. Does that make any sense? Nothing seems to make a whole lot of sense since Dday. I am really going to put them down again. I just do not feel like I am quite ready yet. I have never had a problem stopping whenever I want to, never got 'addicted'. Stopped twice before...no problem. Only picked them up again after we lost our daughter and then again after Dday. On a better note...I had a great day today and really appreciate all of the support from you guys! Hearing from persons that have actually been where I am and gotten through it is very encouraging. I love my husband and feel more and more like I have done the right thing to stick this out. I may feel differently tomorrow but right now..it seems ok. You are all in my thoughs and prayers as I hope I am yours...im sure we can all use the prayers.

""""I dont know why I even bought that 1st pack, it just for some reason seemed a bit comforting.""""

and

" I don't know why I slept with her, it just for some reason seemed a bit comforting at the time."

The point is that neither of these answers addresses the reasons why but still they do. Neither makes sense and yet they do. It's just hard to hear the words as if they are not suitable words.

Some of my personal experiences as to the "why" my H had an affair -

My very best and longest friend, my thread to my family and friends, to my youth in Europe suddenly died when he got home after visiting family members in the US and spending quality time with us in our home. I was devastated. My unhealthy coping mechanism for such a trauma is to shut down, to close myself totally to others, to dissociate my every day life and responsabilites from my emotional self. I checked out of my marriage in the process and would not, did not know how to let my H reach out to me. He felt closed off from my life. A good friend of ours explained to him that was my way of grieving and I would come out of that funk given time.

My H trained new officers at an away site. We had had a sort of a long distance relationship and marriage for close to 5 years, seeing each other only during the week ends.

According to him, a flirtation went too far (no kidding lol) and he broke the convenent of the teacher/trainee. If this young woman had not become pregnant, he would have cut her loose within a few weeks.... BUT, pregnant she became.

All the above albeit true are only rationalisations. Thru my life had had become the 'queen' of rationalisations !

And when I deigned to come out of my "funk" 3/4 weeks after the death of my friend my H had checked out of our marriage !!

Our saving grace was we loved each other - even in the throw of the dark days, we loved each other - we did not like each other tho...

My point is - finally LOL - my point is there is no "WHY" - there is no specific reason why a spouse has an affair. Looking for 'the' why is like wanting 'closure', it ain't going to happen.

In the mean time I learned it was alright for me to show my soft underbelly - the take charge, the fixer, at times needs to drop the 'mask' and show vulnerability. After all I am HUMAN !!!

Close to 9 years after that fateful night of his disclosure we are in a far better place - we have grown and plan to grow old together kicking and screaming all the way LOL - It is no longer about the affair - it is about life, the good, the bad and sometimes the ugly.

And as you walk you make your path Kat

I think for some there is a "why" for others maybe there is not.  But I think it is worth exploring.  We all seek answers and asking "why" is perfectly normal. If eventually you can find it in you to accept that there is no "why" in your case, then acceptance is your key to forgiveness and moving forward.

I have not come to the point of acceptance that there is no "why".  If I had done something that horrible to another human being I would certainly like to know "why" I did it.  I would make it my quest to answer that question if I was the WS. Especially if I wanted to reconcile and I wanted to become a better spouse and help my spouse and marriage to heal.  I feel that if there is no "why" then why wouldnt I do it again?  You may agree or disagree with me. Like I said,  I am just not ready to accept "I dont know" as an answer.  I dont accept that answer from my kids when they lie and I am certainly not going to accept that answer from a grown man. If eventually he doesnt find the answer as to "why" but he has become a better person and has truly tried, and been 100% remorseful, adn 100% committed to the marriage, perhaps I will be able to accpet it in time.

Take Care...Carol~

Carol, I'm playing devils advocate here... What if your H's answer was something like, "I didn't think you'd find out" or "I wasn't thinking" or "She was fun to get high with" - would any of those answers satisfy your need to know? Honestly, what answer would let you put that to rest?

I'm asking, because 5 years after my ex's first A, I've decided that there is NOTHING he could say that justifies what he did, in my mind. We're not together anymore because he's a pathological liar (I know you remember the burrito lie, and I remember your H's underwear lie! ) and I can't think of any reason that would be "good" enough. There simply is no "GOOD" answer - all of the things he said, "I didn't think you cared, I didn't feel loved, you ignored me, you never cooked" ad nauseum, fell on my deaf ears. He did it because he WANTED TO... it's that simple. I don't think he meant to get caught up in it, but he did.

I know that we want to know why someone would do this to us. I did! But, what answer would give you peace of mind?

Monica

My yesterdays are all boxed up - and neatly put away.

Monica,

I am not looking for an answer that "justifies" the A, because like you said, there isn't one.  And I understand what you are saying. You have reached the point of acceptance that I have not.

About 9 years ago I had a miscarriage.  Trust me, I searched for an answer as to why I lost my baby. After searching and not finding a "why" I had to accept that there was no "why".  But I searched with all my heart first because I had to.  I owed it to me and to my baby. Perhaps I will get to that point of acceptance regarding the A....but I am not ready yet.

Take Care...Carol~

... but I am not ready yet.

what would happen if tomorrow you were to decide you were ready. What would change?

what are you holding to that makes you not ready ?

how would you know you were ready ?

if your H does not say what you want him to say to you re. his affair and OW then what ?

And as you walk you make your path Kat

Kat,

You always ask such interesting questions, lol.

<<what would happen if tomorrow you were to decide you were ready. What would change?>>

I dont know if it is a decision per say, but more of a process I feel.

<<what are you holding to that makes you not ready ?>>

The process of exploring the "why" is not fully complete for me yet.  I have found that for me, exploring the "why" was absolutely necessary in accepting that there was no "why" in the case of losing my baby. I have found the same process is necessary for me to accept it in the case of the A. In searching for the "why" I have learned a lot about myself. It has been a journey of self discovery. Even if I never find the answer,  that seach was necessary for me as part of  my personal growth and my healing. Which is why I really feel the WS needs to look deep down inside of themselves and try to figure out why they made the choices that they have. It can only benefit them and those around them. Some just cant go there, and that is really too bad, for their own sake, if you ask me.

<<how would you know you were ready ?>>

With losing my baby, when I searched out the "why", I began to realize that it was not my fault.  That I did nothing wrong but I had blamed myself. Then I was able to accept there are not always logical reasons as to why something happens. I was then able to forgive myself and let it go. I am at peace with what has happened even without the "why" being answered. Yes, I still hurt..I think I always will, but not like I used to. The same goes for the A.  I will know when I am there. I do know that it was not my fault, it was H's choice, but I still feel I deserve an answer from H since it was his choice and not mine. I feel H needs to go on that journey of self-discovery and dig deep for his own answers.

<<if your H does not say what you want him to say to you re. his affair and OW then what ?>>

I do not have a preconcieved idea of what that answer may be.  So to me, it's not about what I want him to say, and what I might view as "the right answer".  Only he knows what the answer may be if he chooses to explore it. It is more about the journey of getting there. If H does the work necessary then the answer doesnt really matter does it? It is about exploring the "why" and the growth that occurs...that is what changes a person from a WS to a truly remorseful FWS. It means they "get it" and did what needed to be done to grow and move forward.  I would weary of any WS who was not willing to explore the "why", including my own. Then maybe he can give me an answer, and then again, maybe not. But my healing does not soley depend of his answer or lack thereof.  My healing is my journey and the "why" is just a small part of it. Sometimes it just takes time to accept the things we cannot accept today. Tomorrow is another day  

As many point out there are 3 healings...the BS, the WS, and the marriage...the journey of exploring  the "why" can only help all 3, in my opinion. Even if the marriage doesnt survive, it is something the WS really should to do for themselves or I feel they have not learned much from the A.

Take Care...Carol~

Even if the marriage doesnt survive, it is something the WS really should to do for themselves or they have not learned much from the A, in my opinion.

You said it, Carol, however...you want to know your H's 'doing it', you even at times demand it according to how I read your posts. Your H's journey is his, dear, as your journey is yours, remember that.


And as you walk you make your path Kat

<<You said it, Carol, however...you want to know your H's 'doing it', you even at times demand it according to how I read your posts. Your H's journey is his, dear, as your journey is yours, remember that.>>

Yes, I do demand that he does what is necessary in order to help heal the marriage.  I cannot force him, but if he wants the marriage to work he will do what needs to be done. And yes, sometimes he needs a reminder. As far as his own private journey, that is his business.  But I cannot see how the marriage can heal if the WS does not work on themselves and become present in the marriage.  It takes two to make a marriage work, therefore he must do his share.  That is all I demand, and as I should.  If he wants out, then that is his choice as well. 

After d-day #1, I walked on eggshells and did not demand a thing. Then I got a lot stronger and I realized that I had the right to demand that my H be present in the marraige.  And that's when I finally got the strnegth to hire the PI, and I found out for sure that my gut was correct, that H had indeed been cheating again.  Why shouldnt he? He knew he could have his cake and eat it too, because I allowed it by not demanding anything from him. I had to learn the hard way that at times love must be tough. I had given H a second chance and he blew it.  Now, after d-day #2, he had to earn another chance, I was not giving him anything! It was his choice to try to earn another chance, and my choice to let him try.  He has earned that chance.  But just because he has the chance, it still remains to be seen if he can do the work necessary to help rebuild the marriage. Right now H is struggling with his demons and he is working on himself in IC. Only time will tell if his actions are sincere and if he can handle doing the necessary work in the long run. Just because some says they want the chance to do what is right doesnt make them sincere unless they back up their words with actions.  Now I am looking for those actions. A WS not working on themselves would be a sign to me that they are not sincere.

Take Care...Carol~