Last week I found out that my W (9years) had been involved in an EA for a year and a PA for a few months. For the last 2 years we've had this ongoing 'fight' about her playing tennis with guys on a regular basis. I pleaded with here that such relationships are not good. That a casual friendship could lead to an emotional one which under the right opportunity could lead to an physical one. To this day I feel I was just being logical about it as relationships with women are something I avoid. I was made to feel like an overbearing control freak. We went to counseling on it even. She eventually agreed to stop playing but I found out that she still was. I was devastated by this as I always had 100% trust in her.

Anyway I found an incriminating email to another guy, which I think was innocent but in further research I found 324 phone calls/TM in the last 3 months to real OG. I felt so dirty looking into the phone records. I confronted her with the first information and told her that I had read that people who are confronted with information will only admit to what is provided to them. I told her I knew much more and that she had to come clean. She finally admitted to the A. Believe it or not the emotion I felt was relief not anger. Over the course of that first horrible day I felt all of the classic symptoms of distrust, betrayal, anger, revenge, pain, sorrow, sadness ... I've probably forgotten some. I didn't eat for the first 2 1/2 days and slept very little. I think I'm down 8lbs. Symptoms of depression according to Google. She has ended all contact and if email and cell phones are a measure she has been truthful.

I struggled in my head with wanting a divorce, to get away, moving out (we have 3 awesome kids) or coming back. In my heart I knew I couldn't leave because I really am in love with her, but those negative thoughts came through my head probably as a way to punish her. I talked to our therapist who was helping me with the whole tennis thing and she was shocked (I felt like I should have asked for my money back). Anyway she gave me some good advice. I went home after work instead of going away. I skipped dinner and lie fetal waiting to put the kids to sleep. After we put the kids to sleep we actually began talking and talking and talking.

For the first time in our lives we were honest about everything, at least I was and at this time I think she was. All of the walls sort of melted away. It became clear that we had both emotionally had become disconnected over the course of our marriage (which we would have described is 'great' before this happened). I know I had a part in that, as of course so did she. In my head while I have a terrible time imagining forgiving her for the pain I'm in I do have empathy for her to driven to do this. Admitting my contribution to the A has helped me not be so black and white.

That first day was the worst day of my whole life. I haven't had a lot of pain in my life but this was the worst. We spoke with a shrink that she has worked with and he said to live in the moment. To me that was a bunch of psychobabble but in my suffering I actually followed his directions. The basic idea was not to think back (the affair) or forward (how can I trust her) and just think about what makes you happy, or deal better with the suffering now. I can say that it really helped me get through those first few days. I was able to regulate my negative feelings this way. Luckily for me my W was there for me (gulp) she talked with me on the cell on the way to and from work (that was the worst time for me) since I had time for my mind to wander (unfortunately I have an active imagination). She also put me ahead of the kids which is something she has never done. I actually burst into tears when our 2 year old was tugging at mommy while we were in a hug and she asked him to wait. They've been watching movies for a week straight... that is impressive in no-tv house.

Certainly there have been very low lows in here but for the most part it is positive. Surprisingly sex as been wonderful, not the beginning of a relationship kind of great but a really connected great. We've both cried while having sex and I never cry I don't think of the OG while we are together. I don't think of him too much at other times either and when I do I try to get back to the moment. Easier said than done, as his office is not to far from our house and we drive by it daily. I can't wait to drive by it and not notice.

I'm shocked that we are where we are at after only a week (that seems so fast). We have pretty much spent every hour of the day (away from work) together or talking on the cell. I suspect we have literally spent more quality time in the last week than we have in the last 8 years. What little time I have had, I've spent on the net researching affairs. We had all the classic symptoms. It is so obvious once you admit to the problems.

Anyway at this point I am incredibly fearful of the future and incredibly optimistic at the same time. I think that is what suffering really is, conflicting emotions. From what I've read, many couples survive this and come out stronger. It seems like we are following the right path, not blaming, honesty, connectedness. It feels this way for us but the trust thing seems insurmountable. I wonder if her sincerity is love or guilt or if she is doing this to prevent a divorce. Ahh, the classic heart/mind duel. Back to the moment...

Anyway, this has been therapeutic for me to get this out and if it could help anybody cope during the first week I would be really happy. I would also say that no progress will be made in your relationship until the truth is out.

RB

RB,
You have found a very supportive group for BS's- we're glad you are here, although we all wish we didn't have to be here under these circumstances.

You mentioned feeling fear and optimism, which is not uncommon (especially when the WS is open to recovery). The fear undoubtedly comes from the trauma of discovering a betrayal no one expected- your world has been turned upside down.

You and your WS seem to have begun to work in earnest to rebuild, which is great to hear. Although rebuilding the trust will be a time-tested path, as you deal with the day to day turmoil, please be sure to take it easy and take care of yourself.

Marie

I am also in my first week of discovery. I just found out on Monday early morning.

Yes, it is very theraputic to write it down, isn't it.

It sounds like you and your wife are on a healthier road to recovery from the shattered trust that is left behind of the affair. Best of luck.

Oh, and yes, the affair diet is working wonders for me too. I didn't eat for days, and if I forced myself to eat, I couldn't keep it down.

Out of curiousity what is protocol for the wedding rings I took mine off minutes after she told me. Wanted to put it in a vice and crush it actually. My wife has it but I don't think I'll ever wear it again. I can see wearing a new one but not the old one.

I feel naked without it. I have reached down several times wondering where it is thinking I've lost it. It seems that she should take hers off, but when I suggested it (out of spite really) she became angry. I suppose that makes sense as the ring represents a promise and I didn't break my promise, she did. I dunno...

All of the symbolic things have been very difficult for me. I had to take down all of the pictures of us together. The wedding pictures hurt particularly. We tell family stories at bedtime with the kids and I always tell them that our wedding day was the happiest day of my life. Haven't retold that story yet, not sure how I'm going to react, not looking forward to it.

One thing about this site is that I have wondered for many years and that is where the term f'ing A comers from. Now I know.

rb

RB,

A little history, July 2, 2002 I caught my wife in an affair with my (ex) best male friend and fishing buddy. September 9, 2002 I confronted her about the past and she admitted to another affair in 1997. Both affairs were 6-8 months in length, the 97 affair ran over our second wedding anniversary, the 2002 affair over our seventh wedding anniversary. We are still together, our communication skills and love have grown beyond anything I could have dreamed of.

Be warned, my style in discussing affairs is not "touch feely" or "politically correct," it is rather straight forward. I will share my feelings/beliefs and you can take from it what you want if anything at all.

The "affair diet" is a common event for many of us, but it's important to get yourself back on track with healthy eating, mild exercise, and if you can a mental break for about a half an hour a day where you don't let yourself think about or deal with the affair.

You said, "It became clear that we had both emotionally had become disconnected over the course of our marriage (which we would have described is 'great' before this happened). I know I had a part in that, as of course so did she. In my head while I have a terrible time imagining forgiving her for the pain I'm in I do have empathy for her to driven to do this. Admitting my contribution to the A has helped me not be so black and white."

I think that is also a normal response, but in the near future I suspect that will not get you through the day. Acceptance of the situation is one of the hardest steps.

The sex being great is also something that happened to my wife and I, and it stayed that way for about 3 or 4 months and then went through cycles that ran from frequent great sex to periods of sex a couple of times a month. Each relationship is unique, each situation is unique, and each of us as individuals are unique. What I am saying is there is no road map to healing, many of us share common paths in route to healing, but few of us can provide you with a map. We are not professional counselors, (some of the professionals shouldn't be either) we are simply like you, we have been betrayed.

Now comes an opinion (from experience) that you may find hard to accept. Your wife's affair was not an accident, it was a choice. It was her choice to have an affair to deal with whatever problems, real or perceived, that she felt existed in your marriage. You may have had a part, even an equal part in any real problems before her affair, but you didn't choose to deal with them by cheating on her. For those pre-affair problems you can take you share of the blame, but you are not responsible for her choices or the affair.

From the start with attraction and flirting, to the telephone or text message, to the first touch and first kiss, to the groping and finally to the act of intercourse. Each step of betrayal was a conscious choice on her part to proceed to the next step and the growth and continuation of the most selfish act one spouse can perpetrate on the other. She choose to escape reality and responsibility and cheat. The affair is not your responsibility or fault.

Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't assigning blame, look at it as taking responsibility for one's personal actions. Blame and finger pointing will do neither of you any good. Part of recovery is about taking responsibility for one's actions. You have no control over anyone in this world, other than your self and your actions.

If your wife has come clean with all the facts and details you require in the first week then she is the exception rather than the rule. Most of the time the information dribbles out, in my wife’s case it took 9 months for her to come totally clean about the affairs. Communication, honest and open communication and rational response to the facts is probably one of the key stepping stones to getting through this life altering event.

Someone told me that discovering an affair is like an atomic bomb going off on top of your head, everything in your world is destroyed by the incredible blast of discovery. Then for the next couple of years you have to deal with the fallout that can poison and sicken you if you don’t handle it correctly.

In your response you mentioned your wedding ring, in our situation my wife purchased me a new ring as the promise of the old ring had been broken by the affairs. We have since renewed our wedding vows. What to do with the original ring is a personal choice and decision.

Sorry if my style of writing and thought is offensive, I don’t intend it to be. It’s just an example of “honest communication” which I found to be key in my recovery. Keep posting and keep returning to read of others experiences, one of the things that I found helpful in the beginning was just knowing I wasn’t alone. In fact I was shocked by the number of folks that shared my situation.

Dave

Interesting question about the ring. I too have taken mine off and my WS is holding it. Not sure what we'll do. It was specially made using gold that was mined locally (and is no longer being mined, thus is no longer available). I would hate to ultimately lose that significance by replacing it, and yet it feels wrong to wear it now.

Marie

My wedding ring is on the bottom of a pond. H lost his on a golf course and never wanted to replace it..
My H has never suggested another ring, and I am fine with that. I could never go thru a renewal service...it would hurt too much...



Dave great post.

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

I agree in total with your thoughts on the difference in having an affair and being part of creating an environment where it could happen. That is why I can't see forgiving her for, I had a part but to lie to let someone else touch you and to lie to be able to touch someone else is the most painful thing I've been through.

I can think of all of the things that happened that spread us apart and I can see my part in that. As you say I think of an affair not as a single transgression. Every piece is a knife. For the longest time I could not figure out why she changed her cell number. I didn't make sense, she said she was getting sales cold calls. I asked out of curiosity last night and she told me that the OG's wife was on to them so she changed the number, sort of chuckled when she told me. Another painful knife. Apparently the OG has been doing this for years and the OG's wive is pretty savvy... I see in the kitchen the sign on the wall "Mommy's new number: xxx-xxxx". It's another lie, unfortunately crumpling it up and throwing it away didn't help much. Not coming clean leaves these little relationship mines lying all over the place.

I hope I don't step on too many more

I also hear you there being more information and possibly other affairs, I had glimmers of suspicion from long ago that she vehemently denies but I'll remain vigilant for clues to understand this mess.

Thanks

rb

I flushed my ring down the toilet the nite I found out about the A.That was 3 years ago.Luckly the ring only cost $100 so as far as money goes it wasn't a big loss.I just knew that I could never wear it again because my H had broken his wedding vows.Anyway, there is no right or wrong answer.It's probably best just to hang on to it until you know for sure what you want to do with it.Hard to get it back once you flush it down the toilet or throw it in a pond.LOL! I just knew that for me it was the right decision.I never wanted to see that ring again.

I'm sad to read your story and of your affair-diet. For me chocolate doesn't even taste good and I love chocolate

I hope that you can find a way to move forward. I can really really tell you that for the first week I tried with all of my ability to not think forward about trust, or back about the affair. Only about things that would make me happy or stable. If my W were not there I can't imagine how lost I would have been.

I can't imagine talking to anybody about this, I'm ashamed and I can't imagine living when people look at her knowing what she did. My W has a friend that is a serial cheater, though my wife is good friends I think of her as dirt regardless of her reasons.

I guess the anonymous nature of the net makes this much easier.

rb

Forgiving is not forgetting...it's remembering with your mind at peace!

My mantra for many years....and remember....it takes time...so damn much TIME!

Dave