1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church,
go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce
or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far
as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your
spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse
notices and, more important, realize what s/he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts
of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever
and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your
spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
2 things to think about if you do this:
1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right
thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off
for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better
person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and
learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these
ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get
them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse
is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs
in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter
is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based
on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me
to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped
doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly
an immediate change in her behavior.
2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to
be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in
your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards
you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also).
REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins
to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity
in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better
yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.
I read it again, and I don't agree with a good portion of it. I think "divorce busting" must be a heck of a lot different than recovering from an affair.
Had either my wife or myself followed this list I doubt we would be together right now.
Only a 1/2 a cents worth of comment as it has been a frustrating workday.
Dave, I think this is intended for situations with one reluctant spouse and not situations where both are engaged in trying to repair the relationship. I think if I had done this and stuck with it, it would have produced a result much quicker than living through five years of stop-and-start stuff.
One of the things that's hard to convey is that there's more than one acceptable outcome in the aftermath of infidelity. Any of the choices necessarily proceed from the BS healing him/herself and becoming secure in enforcing appropriate boundaries and clear limits.
There is only ONE acceptable outcome after an Affair
June 15 2007, 7:44 AM
Chris said, "One of the things that's hard to convey is that there's more than one acceptable outcome in the aftermath of infidelity. Any of the choices necessarily proceed from the BS healing him/herself and becoming secure in enforcing appropriate boundaries and clear limits."
I have to disagree with the statement, although I agree with what I believe is the intent. I do agree with the last sentence completely.
There is only ONE acceptable outcome after an affair, that outcome is personal healing. Beyond that, if the relationship survives then it is because both individuals have worked towards that end. If the relationship does not survive, then that too is totally acceptable as an outcome.
I think that a lot of us here that have been betrayed and are well down the path of healing, with or without our spouse or ex spouse can read a post and think to ourselves which relationship could have a chance and which one's are probably not going to make it.
Site rules, both written and unwritten, experience, common sense, and simple respect for another’s feelings make most of us keep those thoughts to ourselves. Unless there is immediate danger to a poster and his/her children I will not make a recommendation to leave or stay.
Until the BS has healed, through self awareness, self improvement, and self respect to name a few things then they are not ready to try and rebuild a relationship. Until a BS is fully aware of what caused them to stray, how deeply they have damaged the relationship and their partner, and worked unceasingly to help the BS heal, they are not ready to rebuild a relationship. So much depends on the WS’s actions, efforts, and commitment to helping their partner heal and then committing themselves to the incredible amount of work to rebuild the trust and the relationship. I know this paragraph sounds simplistic, and I wish I had the time to expand on these thoughts right now.
Maybe this is the point Chris was making, and if so then I agree with the point, but in the end, it’s about personal healing and moving forward in one’s life. To break that down further, it’s finding peace and happiness with one’s self, within one’s self. Or at least this is my take on it in my situation, which happens to be rebuilding the relationship.
Beyond personal healing, growth, finding peace and happiness, there is no right or wrong outcome. There is only tomorrow and that is only what we choose to make it. We have no control over anyone else’s life or actions, we only have our own integrity and commitments, and those influence our individual choices and decisions daily.
That and 99 cents will get you a cup of coffee, (it's on special this week at the coffee shop)
Dave
This message has been edited by OleMarbleEyes on Jun 15, 2007 7:50 AM
I think we agree, Dave. I was coming at things from the angle that most folks early on believe that the only good outcome is a repaired marriage. I know I did.
I wholeheartedly agree with you that the only acceptable outcome for the betrayed spouse is personal healing. It turns out that healing is only possible for some of us after we separate from our spouse...and I sure didn't "know" that until separated.
I thought that too back then Chris and in some ways still hope that a couple's marriage works yet certainly not at the expense of unhappiness on either of their parts.