My wife is still working with OM, but says she has no feelings for him, due to the manipulation she feels he played on her. She gets upset with me because I don't trust her. I feel bad for not trusting her a little, but think she should quit her job and not see OM at all, he is her manager.
Am I right, or should she be able to keep working with him? It has been over for 2 mnths and she says was only kissing, not sex. I hate him, and want to tell his wife and boss. But he has kids and it would hurt them. What should I do?
(edited by administrator to remove personal identification)
This message has been edited by chris924 on Jun 21, 2007 11:04 AM
Really tough situation Dan. I doubt very much that you know everything yet. You might, but might not. Do you feel sure of the truth? Denial is generally the first order of the day when caught.
Her upset that you don't trust her is in itself a manipulation. I hope you can see that. You have valid reason for your concern and she gave that to you.
How did you find out? Also, 2 months isn't very long to clear an affair or something approaching one.
Everyone has a different situation and everyone here has their own ideas on how to handle adultery. My take on it in general is that unknowing spouses should be given the right to know who they are married to and what their spouse is doing that could compromise their family, home, finances, and health.
When I saw you post I thought it could have been mine. That is why I felt I had to respond. I am coming up on two years now and it is better but not that great. My W used the just get over it, it was a big mistake approach and that was about all I got. She gets upset that I can't trust her and she sits like three cubes down from the guy. I think as long as they both work there it is going to bug you. I am not sure women in most cases will ever get the male ego thing. If you can get her to find another job I would highly recomend it. In my case after about a year of good behavior now she thinks it is crazy that she can't go to the occassional happy hour when someone leaves the company. If she already has a problem with you not trusting her then it is just going to get worse. See if she would maybe read more than friends (I think that is the title, if not it is close). It woke my W up for a time. Sorry for rambling but I just wanted to let you know from someone who just deals with this alone that you should not fall into my situation and just let it slide it leads to alot of sleepless nights. Oh and about the just a kiss, the other mans wife and I use alittle manipulation of our own and met one day and came home and acted like each others spouse had confessed to sex, we both played it for about a day before we told them we had made it up and both kept to there story. SO even though it is unlikely I think it could have been just a kiss, but the person above is right sometime it takes awhile to get the truth. I doubt I helped but we are so similar I felt I had to respond. Good Luck
Thanks for the insight. She has said it was just kissing and I do belive her, because I tricked her into telling the truth. She had been paranoid that someone was following her for a couple of weeks, so I told her that I had hired a detective and had photo evidence of her and him together. She confessed that she had met him for lunch on her day off twice, and they were in a public place and there would have been other cars around, so I am 97% sure it didn't go further than that. She has a low opinion of her body and weight, and I am sure that she would not want to show off her body in the daylight like that. I know it only went on for a couple of weeks. I have tried to ensure her that if more went on I would not get mad. I have said to her, you couldn't make it worse than I have already imagined. She was, IMO, open and truthful when she told me what all happened between them. He is a cheater extrodinare, and has already started to "date" someone else. I confronted him the day after she confessed, and he will only say they kissed 1X. I hope that his wife finds out about him, but I am not sure I want to ruin her life too. After I found out, I told my wife she had to leave, and the day she was supposed to move out, I let her stay if certain promises were made and kept. Our 15 yo daughter found out and did not speak to her for 2 weeks. She says it will never happen again, because my daughter will never speak to her again, and she doesn't want to risk that. I also told her. that if it did happen again, I would take the kids, she can't afford to keep them herself, and move away and she wouldn't see them for a long time. I know that was a threat and should not have said it, but it was said in the heat of the moment. Things are better now than they have been for a couple of years, married 17 yrs, and she knows I am watching like a hawk. I really wish she would quit her job, but she is adamant that it is over between them and I think he is scared of what I might do if he ever tried anything again. She told him I had a bad temper, and I used that to my advantage when I confronted him 2X in the first week.
in a perfect world, i would say that it shouldn't matter if they still work together because you trust her. there in lays the problem. you don't trust her and with due reason.
i don't know that i wouldn't expect the same as you and hope that HER choice would be to leave. either way, i am sorry for your confusion and pain surrounding all of this.
Given what has happened, another approach could be that you just let her know what you need. Is her job going to put too big of an emotional strain on the marriage now?
An experience like this can certainly rearrange priorities.
As hard as it is knowing that she sees him everyday, sometimes it can't be helped. My W works in the same office with the OM and I can't stand it. Jobs here aren't easy to come by. I have told him that if I find out he so much as looks at her I will kill him. I don't know if them working together is the best thing for us, but for now we don't have much of a choice. I can feel ok when she goes to the store or out with a friend, but I still get nervous when she is at work. I have made a point to stop by randomly. Just to "say hi". I also have a couple of people who I feel will let me know if anything is happening. I hope for the best for you and your W.
" I hope that his wife finds out about him, but I am not sure I want to ruin her life too."
If he is a serial cheater, will you really be ruining her life? Maybe you'll save her from getting AIDS???
I did call the OW's husband after I found out and I will never regret it. I believe he had a right to know. I know not everyone here will agree with that but I'm glad I did. At first his W told him I was crazy but I had left him my number to call back if he wanted and when he threatened to call back to get more info, she came clean. I guess it is a personal decision but I'll never think it would ruin their lives - I think they have a right to know and I would want to know if I was in the dark.
What pisses me off is that we can do this crap like your kids will be mad at you and you can't talk to him and whatever else we have them do. But it is the feeling we are left with, that they are then staying so the kids won't be mad at them or they don't talk because if they do they will feel the need to run off and be alone. Again, I am not good at typing what I am trying to say, but it is this feeling that we are making them stay that I can't seem to get past. I mean it feels like my W is staying for the kids and the embarassment from the whole thing. She says it is not and I do not know. I just know whenever she tells me they do not even say hi and that when they see each other they turn and go the other way. I just get the feeling like I am the wicked step mother keeping cinderella from life with her prince charming. I do not know again I just think it is always best to find a new job and get him 100% out of the picture. However, like someone else said this is the real world and sometimes we have to do what we have to do.
Involving your kids, either through revealing the situation to them or through threatening to take them away, is never a good idea. Nothing will harden a spouse's attitude faster than those unfair fighting tactics.
I know there are two trains of thought about the children finding out about the affair. Each of us has to decide if and when we tell the children, and how much we tell them.
In my case, the OM was at the time a person I considered to be my best male friend. Our families had meals together, the children stayed overnight in each others homes, we even Christmas shopped as couples for the kids.
My oldest daughter at home was 13 at the time, the other was 10 years 10 months. (Actually both of the youngest are stepdaughters) As the OM’s wife made the fighting and details very clear to their two daughters age 11 and 16, and as we live in a small town of 5000 we knew our girls would hear it through the grapevine. We elected to tell them that their mother had an affair with the OM, that it was wrong, that we didn’t know where the relationship would end up, and that was the reason there was tension in the house and would be for some time.
We didn’t go into gory details, other than to answer their questions honestly. The 13 year old asked me if they had sex, I said yes, but no details. With my older daughters (16 and 20) who were living with their mother in Connecticut, I also told them there were problems and answered their questions, again with no details.
None of the kids turned their backs on my wife, and we presented the issue to all of them with trying to turn it into a life lesson. First of all letting them realize the damage this causes to a relationship and then trying to show them as best we could the way to deal with it.
I totally agree with Chris that using threats or manipulation with the children as pawns on the chessboard is a terrible idea. First of all it’s plain wrong, secondly, children are not stupid. If you try to use them as bargaining chips everyone is going to lose, especially the children.
Again, sharing my experience, it took my wife 9 months to come clean about the affair. Both the OM and my wife denied there had been more than kissing and heavy petting when confronted and caught. It wasn’t until the OM finally admitted to his wife a couple of weeks later that I found out there had been sex, and it was my wife that told me.
After some time, I actually realized that what hurt me the most was the continued lying about the sex and affair more so than the act itself. Hope this helps provide a little insight to another line of thought regarding the kids knowing.
As I have stated before, each of us, each of our relationships, and each of our situations are similar, but unique. There is no absolutely right answer, each of us has to measure the pro’s and con’s with respect to our individual situations.
Dave, I spoke too quickly and with too little thought. Of course there are cases where the kids need to know something.
I was more fixed on the "using the kids as pawns" argument, either by telling them for the purpose of influencing their attitude toward the WS or by threatening the WS with taking them away.
Me and the wife have had a really good talk about things this weekend. She is ready to quit, as she says she can't stand having to look at him anymore. He doesn't care who he has hurt, and continues his fooling around with others like they are nothing to him. She now sees that he used her and just threw her away after making her feel special. He is a master manipulater and has no feelings for her as he had stated before D-Day. I really appreciate everyones views. Just being on this board has made me feel better, and no longer like I was alone in the world with my feelings. I hope everyone gets what they wish for in life. Thanks again.
Well, it's been 2 more months and she is still working with him. I have been totaly consumed by hatred for this person. I have thought many times of harming him physically. Wife insists that she does not talk to him except for business reasons.
Yesterday, I went to his house and told his wife. I don't know if it was for revenge or not, but I needed to get it off my chest and the more I thought about it, the more I figured she should know who she is married to. I am not sure if she really believed me, but she asked alot of questions about who, when, where and such. He came home while I was at the front door, and she was crying and said to him "What is he talking about?", and right away he said "He's lying and he is full of $hit". So with out asking what I said, he just denied it. I hope she realizes that. He then came back outside and screamed at me to get off his property, which I did.
My wife is pretty upset with me about going there, and the fact that I have been so angry inside, and not seeking help. She says she is calling to give her 2 weeks notice tomorrow. So I guess I accomplished one positive, IMO, from this. I guess I will have to deal with the fallout from my actions now, which could be far reaching. I know he won't try to come after me physically, he is too much of a chicken for that.
So you told the wife of the OM the truth? Why do you sound apologetic? Because your WS didn't want you to do that?
I think the wife of the OM had the right to know the truth. Frankly, I'm glad you told her. She should know whether her own health is at risk (i.e., STDs). Yes, it is not a great thing to know that this information will destroy her world as she knows it, but her H made that decision when he entered into the A.
In my opinion, his wife has the right to know, and it is not surprising that your wife is upset that you informed his wife. Had I been in your shoes, I believe I would have done the same thing.
Affairs are about secrecy, once exposed to the light of day the individuals involved in the affair have to face what they have done. Their worst nightmare is that others find out they have cheated.
As I said before, each of us has to weigh the pro's and con's of our actions. You have no control over another individual's thoughts or actions. They only person you can control is yourself, the only person you can change by words or actions is yourself.
If the OM is a serial cheater, I would suspect in the back of her mind, his wife already felt something was wrong.
I think you are probably entitled to at least a year's severance pay. Sounds like sexual harassment to me. I've seen this many times, and you should seek the advice of a lawyer.
I had already thought about getting a lawyer, but I don't really know if it is all worth it. I figured with my pain and suffering for the last little while, on anti-depressants, I would have a good case, but I would assume I need my W's input fo rit, and she is unsure of doing all that. I am going through all this pain in the a$$ stuff again with the W due to her not wanting to leave her job, but she says she will, but she will resent me for it. So, who knows where this will lead to now. It is our 17th anniversary this weekend, should make for an interesting time.
My wife is in the same situation. She shares a spot in a very important project for her company with her "lover." I've given her until 12/2 to retire from the project and move into her old position or I will ask her to leave. I know she's thinking hard about it. She actualy values her career over her family. When I brought it up she became enraged and started screeming about women's lib. and how long it takes for women to move up in they're careers. I tried to explain to her that this has nothing to do with that and it was her own fault that she's in this postition. She has to come to the realization that if she wants to keep her family it means she needs to seperate herself from that other guy....
