It's amazing to me how one moment can change how you view the world....
There are moments when I feel like a shell of the person I used to be and I'm not sure what to do with these moments any longer. You see, I met someone and fell in love with him. It was he who wanted to become exclusive. I simply wanted honesty. It was okay to date other people, but just be honest about it. No commitment, no pressure, no investment, no pain. He insisted however. He couldn't move forward knowing how he felt for me knowing that I would be seeing other people. So, I made a choice, I chose to be with him. Saying goodbye to the other men in my life, two other open relationships. Good men, they understood and we remained friends.
I had found something. Someone chose me and for once, I was going to chance it and trust in someone whole-heartedly and I did. I fell madly in love with him. In November, he asked me to marry him and I said yes. The relationship, like any had it's ups and downs but I have to admit that there were mostly ups in that there was nothing that we couldn't talk through and fix.

He had good friends, one of which was a woman. I liked her and she befriended me. She even wanted to lend me her wedding dress because we had so little money. It was nice to have a girlfriend and one who knew my fiance so well. Well, it turned out that they had started to have a 4 month affair just weeks after he asked me to be exclusive and this continued for 5 months. It was a sexual and emotional affair. I know this, not only because he confided the truth to me after forcing his hand; I read all f the emails they sent to each other during that time. Every-single-one. I don't think I can describe what it feels like to sit and read through such intimate interactions. To put it mildly, my world simply fell apart. A second twist to this much denced down version of the story is that I found out about the affair on a fluke. There was another woman who he met online who had become interested in him. I knew this all the while, telling him of my insecurities. He said it was nothing. I believed him but was forever weighed down by a feeling of "something" I couldn't describe whenever she came into conversation. The same went for his friend. There was something off; it didn't feel right. Anyhow, it was the second online woman (J) who told me that she had flirted with him, met for coffee (which he disclosed as casual and I believe it was) and received pictures from. He sent her inappropriate pictures of himself (not totally naked) during this time. Eventually, he blocked her but it was getting in touch with me that prompted an email interaction, leading to the disclosure. (I read all of their emails also) That was on Valentines Day.

This relationship being a long distance one (he and I) I decided to give him a chance, move to his city, quit my job and go to couples counseling, with the ultimatum that if in 4 months I didn't feel in my heart that there was hope for recovery that I would move back home and we would end our relationship. He agreed and it went as well as can be expected. It wasn't however, how I had hoped to be spending the few months before my wedding.

In May of this year, we were married. It was the most wonderful day of my life and I felt we had reached a place where moving forward was truly possible with a commitment to counseling and dealing with the root issue. Communication allows for closeness and understanding which in turn, I believe lends to a trust and safety so that affairs can be avoided in future. This is the hope....and why I'm here.

This week has been a bad week for me, for us. I am getting flooded with images in my head of what happened. It was topped off by the fact that I saw (J) in a local store and she pretended not to see me. The next day, she emailed me as if she was my best friend saying what a small world it is. I emailed her back, simply stating that I didn't wish to talk to her. Then today, I found an old video of my husband and his ex-friend/ lover talking and laughing. I wasn't expecting to recover this video and I know that he had gone through everything to delete any trace of her that existed. Unfortunately, this was still there with some pictures and it threw me into a state of pain and anxiety. I feel like with each step forward, two steps bring us back to the beginning. I feel overwhelmed and desperate to just get over it, although I know this will solve nothing.

I believe his commitment one moment and doubt it another. I want to be with him, I want to leave him. This affair has affected every aspect of myself and our relationship together and it is so widespread that sometimes I feel it an impossible burden to carry. The catch; I love him and I do believe that he is remorseful for what he did. I do believe it is remorse more than guilt.

I'm here because I am in a city unfamiliar. I have but two friends who live here, neither of which I have known more then a year. My friends back home seem forever away and I'm trying to move forward and don't want to burden them with this. I just want to talk to people who can understand and tell me that I am not insane, that there is hope and that I can be mad and sad and frustrated without being weak or pathetic. Something that feel like glue, to help me piece myself back together.

>> I just want to talk to people who can understand and tell me that I am not insane, that there is hope and that I can be mad and sad and frustrated without being weak or pathetic. <<

Well, you've come to a place where people understand and know that you're not insane. There is hope as long as his actions are congruent with what he says, and you truly know (because you have access to everything, you can verify if you choose). And indeed, you can be mad and sad and frustrated...that is sometimes the normal state of a marriage. Unfortunately, in the aftermath of infidelity, it can feel out of proportion (and thus weak and pathetic). Everyone here has walked that path.

Be forewarned, though: we may make you work at things a little as the price of our understanding. There are infidelity sites where you will get lots of hugs and affirmations and no hard questions. But IMO you will not find a place where people understand PERSONAL recovery from infidelity any better...and from all angles.

Welcome. I'm sorry you had to find us and join the club no one wants to join.
But this is a good place to find just what you want.

Chris.

Thank you for your kind words. I am not looking to be coddled, simply listened to. I don't mind self reflection or contrary opinions as long as they are respectful. It is true that sometimes, others will give you a side of something that was not thought of and I am certainly open to this. Thank you for allowing me this safe place to speak out.

I am sorry for your pain, I do not understand how you could marry him, but that is just me.

Jordan

Children make great life jackets.

That is the one thing that I do know...because I love him.

Is loving your partner all it takes to create and sustain a marriage?

Chris.

No it is not.

Jordan

Children make great life jackets.

no, of course not. he has shown remorse. he is going to counseling. he is trying to set an honest path. i said previously, i moved there for 4 months. we went to counseling and as you can imagine those four months were not easy ones. i made the decision based on what i felt and saw. if we didn't love each other however, i wouldn't have moved forward.

Just use caution that he isn't isolating you from friends and family.

Jordan

Children make great life jackets.