I found out 1 yr ago my h of almost 16 years was having an affair with a girl alot younger then us(about 12yrs younger) at work. I was like everyone else devastated. I gave all of myself to him and our children over the past 16 years and this happens. Since I found out he has been trying and now I don't trust him and he doesnt trust me, because he says now he gave me reason to go find someone else. I have never given him reason not to trust me. Since the A he left his job change his cell# and is always home with me and our children unless he is at work. I know he's trying but says he doesn't want me to bring up the affair he knows he F up as he puts it. But I just can't help wonder if he still thinks of her. What did she have that I didn't. He tells me she had time for him and it wasn't about the looks thing and that I'm way hotter, it was just a friendship that went to far. I tried to tell him of course she was always there. She is 23yrs old and lives at home still and they don't have the bills, the kids and everyday stuff to deal with like we do. But I always have put him and the kids first and never gave myself that time for me. Maybe that was my mistake. Now its been a year and I suddenly feel like I just found out yesterday not a year ago. I just don't know how to tell him how much this still hurts me. When I do try to explain it to him how I feel He gets very angry and says see I told u I don't want to hear about how I messed up for the rest of my life. I just hope to get some advice.

“When I do try to explain it to him how I feel He gets very angry and says see I told u I don't want to hear about how I messed up for the rest of my life.”

Reading between the lines of the information you provided in your post I see a person that has taken a few positive steps and expects you to move forward as if it never happened. What that does is puts a stop to your healing yourself and then the possibility of healing the relationship.

Having an affair is not an accident or a simple mistake. An affair is a conscious decision every step of the way. Each step towards a full blown affair is a series of choices. Nobody can know how many steps that is from working acquaintance, to flirting, to sharing intimate information about your marriage, to “innocently touching” to intimate touching to full blown sex.

I suspect that he can’t or doesn’t want to face or take full responsibility for his actions and choices. Leaving his job and changing his cell number is supposed to fix it in his mind. What he doesn’t realize is that until he confronts the reflection he sees in the mirror and takes full responsibility for his actions he will be paying for it the rest of his life.

Will he consider counseling? He needs to find and understand the causes and reasons for the decisions he made to cheat. He needs to help you heal as an individual before he can expect to heal the relationship. None of this can be done in a year, most of us here will tell you an average is 24 to 30 months of hard work before the betrayed spouse is ready to start trusting and being able to improve the relationship.

Honest and open communication is an absolute requirement to establish a solid foundation to build on. Trust, commitment, love, and all the other building blocks of a good marriage cannot be placed on a weak foundation.

It took my wife 9 months to come clean about the affairs she had, it took us three years to come to a point where I could trust her, not blind trust mind you, she will never have that again. It has taken me almost five years to get to a point where I no longer fear loving her, no longer fear trusting her, and no longer fear that she will repeat the past.

Yes, five years is a long time, and that is with my wife working very hard every step of the way after the first nine months to help me heal, and to solidify our relationship. Now, that is my timeline, you will find others here that have done it in less time, and a few that may still be struggling after five years.

At this point if your husband will not attend counseling sessions, I would suggest that you go to individual counseling.

Don’t give up hope, and keep us posted.

Dave

Thank you dave for your imput. Yes, 5 years does seem like a long time. I'm planning to sit down with him this weekend when our children will not be here to let him know exactly what I'm feeling and what I need from him to try and get past his A. I'm hoping he will at least try to understand instead of getting angry and say I'm throwing the A in his face. Which that is not what I'm doing. I'm just trying to get closure and to move on. I hate not trusting him. Before the A he was always on the go between his fishing/hunting or just hanging with his friends. He has given that up and is home with me and the kids all the time and he seems happy with that. But now if he were to leave to be with friends I get a terrible feeling wondering if he is where he says he is. I hate that because I have never felt that way before. He said the A has changed me. And I do believe that I feel like I have a guard around my heart with him now. Like I'm scared to give my full heart to him again, in fear I will get hurt again.

I'm was glad to hear that your wife is working really hard to help you heal and you two are working through this. It gives me hope that my marriage may have a chance to survive this. If you can give me anymore advice I will really appreciate it. Going on this site made me feel alot better. I now feel like I'm not crazy on what I'm feeling.
Thank you again

Laurie,

Glad you feel like your not crazy, because most of us do when we arrive here. What you are feeling is "normal" for what you are going through.

Remember too, most of us here are just like you, we are BS's, and as such we can only share our experiences. Most of us are not professional counselors, or even counselors, I may make suggestions or share thoughts but by no means take that as advice.

Recovery and healing is a personal and individual process. We here can share a general direction, the path to take. But what obstacles, detours, or forks in the road that you come to on your path are uniquely yours. We have in common the fact we have been betrayed, but we as individuals face and deal with anger, fear, and stress in different ways.

Anything you read here or share in chat, take it for what its worth, see if it is something you can carry in your backpack and use on the path to healing. No sense of carrying a skateboard into a mountian stream, no sense of hauling a raft into the desert. Take from our experiences, ideas that may work for you.

And remember, just like a baby beginning to walk, take small steps, don't get discouraged by a fall or a couple of steps backwards. Its a learning experience, one that all of us wish we didn't have to learn, but have.

Dave

See Joseph's Letter.

Jordan

Children make great life jackets.

Wow Dave, what a geat post!

I'd also like to add; without sincere empathy for the damage he caused and acknowledging the pian he's caused you, you'll continue to struggle with the entire subject. In my opinion, sincere empathy is the bedrock of healing for a BS. What is really strange about it is that you'll not know what you're missing (sincere empathy) until you finally see it. Its kind of an epifany where you go, okay, he finally get's it and now maybe my mind can finally let me go.

I also agree with Dave on time. My wife was just like your husband and I let it go. What's interesting is that in spite of all my efforts to forget, I never did. My resentment built up over a period of 2 decades and I was finally prepared to leave my wife. It wasn't until then that she woke up. She finally opened up but, most importantly, acknowledged what she put me through over such a very long time. She has become a champion of sincere empathy and for the first time in many, many years I am feeling whole again. Our relationship has never been better.

So, I've got one suggestion - Don't let it go!!

I have decidied that I'm going to have no choice but to sit my H down and try to tell him how this is tearing me up inside. I'm already preparing him to be angry and defensive. he has a very good way of turning everything around and making me feel like I'm crazy and it's my fault. I'm prepared to stay strong and I'm just hoping he will start to understand how much I'm still hurting. I bought the book "Not just friends" and "After the affair". So far they are helpful and I'm going to show them to my H and maybe if I can get him to read them he will have a better understanding where I'm coming from.

I can't wait to have that feeling of being whole again.

Laurie, before you even talk to him give him this. This was the first thing that ever helped my wife understand this was not just her problem but "our" problem. Furthermore, for a BS, they created not one bit of it. Until she read this she just didn't understand. Also use Joseph's letter. Make him read everything before you talk to him.

_____________________________________

Infidelity Through the Tear Stained Eyes of The Betrayed

To a Former Cheater,

Infidelity changes who you are forever. It robs you of your past, it makes your present excruciatingly unbearable and it makes your future look hopeless. It strips you of your self esteem and your self worth. It leaves you naked, vulnerable, and alone.

Infidelity is truly Hell on Earth. Your mind is tormented every second of every day with the images and the movies that it conjures up. You can't get it too stop. The only respite that you have is sleep and even then, there are times when you have dreams about it and wake up crying.

You spend each day just trying to survive. Sometimes the pain is so intense that you pray for death...

You feel lost. You feel unanchored. You feel alone.

So many questions...so many secrets...so many lies...

What is real? What is fake?

If you think that what I have written is an overdramatization of infidelity, then you have a long way to go. You do not have an understanding of what you have done to your spouse. You have no empathy or compassion. You are still being selfish and thinking only of yourself.

If you truly are remorseful, then you will weep for what you have done to your spouse...the one that you promised to love, honor, and cherish. You will put your own feelings aside and do whatever, and I mean whatever, it takes to try and make her whole again.

Cheating is wrong. YOU were wrong. There is no way to explain what you did or justify what you did. It was wrong. It matters not what was happening in your marriage...it is irrelavent. Nothing, absolutely nothing justifies cheating...ever.

You took a sledgehammer to your spouse's knee and smashed it to bits. You cannot tell her to get up and walk and then get angry because she can't. If you do this, then it is like taking another sledgehammer and smashing her other knee and expecting her to walk. You cannot leave her lying there. You must help her. You must be gentle and caring and help her until she heals. She is in pain and may lash out at you, but you must remember...you and you alone did this to her.

You have the power to help heal your spouse. You have the power to have the best marriage that you ever dreamed of. You have the power to have the most wonderful and fulfilling sex life with your wife. You have the power within yourself. Will you use this power? Do you want to know how?

Your spouse has offered you a gift...the gift of reconcilliation. Are you willing to accept that gift?

What you were searching for outside of your marriage cannot be found there. What you were searching for was right under your own nose in your own home. The time and energy you spent on someone else, should have been spent at home. Love grows where it is nourished and dies where it is not.

What you found was a fantasy. It was not real. It was a mirage. It was a sad imitation of life. There is no happines to be found out there, only misery, pain and destruction of others.

I want to tell you that there is hope for you and your spouse and your marriage. My H and I have been reconciled for 3 years and we have a wonderful marriage now. We stay connected on every level now...mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

My H continues to help me and be patient with me. He has shown me a Christ-like love during these last 3 years. He has regained my trust and has earned my respect for the man he has become.

I could not have come this far in my healing without his help and the help of our therapist. I was close to suicide in the beginning.

It is imperative that you tell your spouse the truth and the whole truth about whatever she asks. You are to hold nothing back that she wants to know. It is painful. It hurts like Hell, but the truth is the only way to heal. You are not sparing her feelings by sparing the truth. You wound her more and increase her pain by keeping the secrets.

She will never heal without the truth. There can be no lies from this day forward. Healing does not begin until the truth has all come out. When bits of truth come out in drips and drops, then the healing never progresses.

Healing includes regression as well as progression. Your spouse will be angry at you and she will show it. Please remember that you deserve her anger. You did this to her.

A great therapist will tell you that it takes at least 2 years to heal from infidelity and this only applies if the WS is working his butt off to help the BS. Healing doesn't just happen...it is a goal that must be worked for. I still have triggers,but they are easier to manage. My H and I work together to help get through these triggers.

Healing is a journey that you take with your spouse . There will be many bumps in the road, but together you can get past them.

You can become man...a real man...if you make that choice. It is all about choices. Will you be a man that can be respected by yourself and others or will you give up on your spouse and yourself and leave her lying in the road helpless with both knees smashed? The choice is yours, which will you choose. Remember, you have the power.

Erica
______________________________

If this doesn't help him understand then you face a very tall task living life with someone so self absorbed.

Good luck to you Laurie

Thanks for the letter. I do have to admit Im terrified to approach my H about how Im feeling. After 16 yrs of marriage I should be able to tell him anything. But he turns things around and makes me feel like Im wrong. Maybe if I stick to my guns and stand up to him he will try to understand how I feel. I going to let him read both letters and see how he responds. Im glad things are working out with you and your H. Hopefully I'll have the same results.

Thanks again
Laurie

"I do have to admit Im terrified to approach my H about how Im feeling. After 16 yrs of marriage I should be able to tell him anything. But he turns things around and makes me feel like Im wrong."

If you feel this way what I have seen help others is to write a letter to their WS and then attach the two letters you want him to read. Start out in your own words and up front let him know that you understand how difficult it is to talk about the affair, and not just from your perspective. You will find that early on its the betrayed spouse that does most of the work until the wandering spouse feels "safe" disclosing information. Yes, I know, that seems backwards. I understand that you have been dealing with this for a year, but you may just truly be starting a "recovery phase". Approach this as something you need to move forward, that you need to deal with your fears and doubts and you need him to help you, that you may need his help and support more than ever before.

Next you may possibly want to reference a time when you shared everything, don't get stuck on that thought, but reference a time, your honeymoon, a baby's birth, something that will take him back to a "safe" point.

Then, in your own words, explain how you are feeling, your doubts, your fears, ect. Don't point the finger of blame, but make "I" statements about yourself. In this, let him know that you have been severely hurt, but that you are not giving up on yourself, him, or the relationship.

Then, ask him to read, and re-read both both your words and the attached letters. While he is doing this, go find something to do. It takes two to have a discussion or arguement. He can't argue with a letter, he can't pick a fight with words on paper. He can't make it the words fault, he has to confront the words in his mind.

If possible don't immediately start a discussion when he is done reading the letters unless he comes to you in a civil frame of mind. If he seems angry or on edge, suggest to him that you would like to discuss it a little later. (This allows him some time to cool down)

When you do discuss this, what helped me was to sit down where I could look into my wifes eyes, its hard to confront the pain if he can see it on your face. Above all, avoid blame, stick to the "I" statements. EXAMPLE: "This make ME feel like...." or "What I hear you saying is..."

Be prepared to hear some painful stuff, agree ahead of time to take breaks, agree to let the other person finish talking, agree to no yelling, and any other ground rules before you start talking.

Hope this helps,

Dave