HI there. A friend (princessofQuitealot) suggested this place for me. I've been to a TON of internet sites devoted to this topic...and most I just didn't feel comfortable. I've been reading alot on here today, and decided to take the plunge.

I'm a 33 year old female, who found out on June 13th, 2007 that my husband was having an affair for 2 months. I found out on accident (of course). He didn't deny it....he told me he was in love with her, and he had never been happy in our marriage. We had just celebrated our 15th anniversary (and a vacation to the beach, just the two of us), and we have 3 children (ages, 14, 11, 10). Of course, the first two days went like everyone's. Shock. Trauma. Uncontrollable shaking, crying, screaming. There should be a word used to describe what we feel when we find out. No, there were no signs. zero. I was always told "there will always be signs" but there weren't. He did seem to withdrawal from me after we got back from our trip...but honestly, I thought it was due to the fact he had a big test coming up (he's also taking correspondence courses). Two days later, I told him, very matter of factly that I was going to be ok with his decision. That I love him, and if she makes him happy, then how can I stand in his way. We talked for about 6 hours. No tears. No Yelling. Me just giving straight talk...discussing things such as the kids....and bills. Later that day, he told me he made a huge mistake, and he wanted to stay with me. I tried not to act thrilled...but I was. Long story short.....we had problems in our marriage. We're both highly strung people....and we weren't putting each other first. Not for several years anyways. Oh, and this 22 year old tart that he was screwing....was a co worker (she works on a diff't floor now...we're trying to get him transferred), married to a preacher, and she lied her ass off. She reeled him in like a fish. I spoke to her husband, and everything she told my husband was a lie. She pretended to be interested in everything my husband enjoyed. She also told him if he left me, she'd financially take care of me, and he could still pay all of our bills. That my kids and I would never hurt for money. The bitch has no money...we have more money than she does! She told my husband in November that she was having marital problems...which was a lie. She and her dh didn't start having problems until she and my dh started screwing. I guess technically, the emotional affair started back in November. That's the part I"m having the hardest time with. Him telling her he loved her......talking to her about me. Makes me want to vomit. I can get over the sex part....but knowing that he shared a part of himself with her....is unbarable. It's only been 3 1/2 weeks...but I've come really far. WE have already had 3 sessions with a marriage counselor....and we're having a date night each week. We've talked more in the past 3 1/2 weeks than we have in 5 years. I love him with all my heart...and I know i'll be able to EVENTUALLY get over this. I just have to learn how to not obsess over the images in my head. Luckily I don't know what she looks like. Thank GOD...but part of me really wants to know. He did tell me a few things I asked...like hair color, size, etc.

So there ya have it....long...but still a short version of the whole story. The whole Jerry Springer type story @@. Looking forward to posting here...looking forward to giving and receiving advice.

Sonia

Sonia,

Welcome to the club nobody asks or wants to join. I am sorry you find yourself here, but happy that a friend could point you to us.

A quick history so you have a point of reference, on July 2nd of 2002 I caught my wife in an affair with my ex best male friend and fishing buddy. A double betrayal, as our families did many things together. We renewed our wedding vows on August 22 of that year. In working through the details, trying to get answers and so on I had a gut feeling this wasn’t her first affair. On September 9th 2002 I confronted her about the past and she admitted to another affair in 1997, the second year we were married. Both were workplace affairs, both ran 6-8 months, both were full blown emotional and sexual, and both ran over our wedding anniversary.

It’s been five years of hell for both of us in different ways. We are still together, we still love each other, and finally this year I know that I will never bring up the affairs and throw them in her face when we disagree. They are in the past, they are a part of our history.

It took my wife nine months to come clean with the details of the questions I asked. Like you, the sex was easier to accept than the emotional part. She for sure told my ex best friend that she loved him. We are unsure about the OM in the first affair. She has done everything right since then, she has put up with my fears, anger, and giving up on us. I am glad she did.

In retrospect, there were signs to both affairs, but love and trust blinded me to seeing them at the time. Reading here, and in the books in the reference list, you will in time come to accept many things. Perhaps the hardest to accept is that this wasn’t about you, it wasn’t your fault, and there is nothing you could have done to change what happened. You will probably second guess yourself many times through recovery, you will probably think “If I had only….” or “I should have…” This is a pretty normal thought process.

Accepting that your spouse made a conscious decision to befriend, flirt, touch, and eventually consummate a relationship with another is hard. It wasn’t an accident, it to time, effort, and planning to accomplish. It points to emotional or character flaws in your spouse and he needs to discover the root cause for those flaws and fix them. At the same time, he needs to be supportive you your healing process. He needs to have no contact with the OW, he needs to be location transparent, (to include access and passwords to all email and voicemail accounts), and he needs to understand the depth of the hurt and destruction he has brought into your marriage.

He needs to answer any and all of your questions with total honesty. However, you need to be prepared to here the worst and not get angry and take it out on him. If you lose it, then you punish him for being honest.

As I am sure you have figured out, none of this crap is going to be easy. It will be emotionally and physically draining for both of you. It will take TIME! You can’t rush it, and you will probably ride the “roller coaster from hell” up and down many times during the process.

Your first goal should be to heal yourself with his help, he needs to identify his problems and fix them, and then you can work on the relationship. An average time frame is 24 to 30 months before you are ready to trust (trust but VERIFY) and able to move forward on the marriage if it is feasible at that point.

These boards are a safe place to vent, cry on another’s shoulder, cuss and discuss, and understand that there are many others facing or that have faced the path in life you now find yourself on.

Keep posting, keep your chin up, and good luck.

Dave

P.S. Weekends can be slow for responses and chat as many folks are busy with summer activities and vacations. Don't let the lack of responses discourage you.

Dave

Hi Sonia

I'm so glad you decided to post! Like I told you, there are a lot of different situations here, but the general theme remains the same: We know what you're going through.

The bomb that was dropped on your life takes awhile to recover from, for sure. It really sounds like you and your H are making steps in the right direction, though. I hope he's being 100% transparent in his actions, that's a big one.

We as BS seem to add our own details to the A and make it into something grand and romantic... but it's usually not. A lot of times, it's about a bunch of lies told between two people trying to save their own skins and paint themselves into someone or something they're not.

I didn't know what my ex's 1st OW looked like until one night my best friend and I met HER H at a restaurant. I asked to see a picture of her and when he showed me, I said, "ohhhhh, at least she could have been cute." Somehow, him telling OUR business to and sleeping with this ugly white trash "thing" made it even more disgusting, for me. Her H said, "Nah, she's not cute. And, before she was sleeping with your husband, she never did her hair or make up and wore men's jeans to work!" I had to laugh about that. Since the two of them worked together, him going to work every night WITH HER sent me over the edge every stinkin' day. That is rough. I hope that your H gets a transfer.

Being "in love" with the OP is pretty common, too. Many WS filter out all the good things about their BS and their relationship and keep the bad things - and here is this person turning themselves into who s/he thinks the WS wants them to be. They were "meant" for eachother! That's pretty heady stuff. But, as I was told when I first came to this site: it's a house of cards. One wrong move and the whole thing crumbles and we see what REALLY is. A bunch of sneaking around, lying, and stolen moments.

I know you keep busy with your kids and things - but take some time for YOU, too. Try and get enough sleep and worry about yourself for a change. Please keep coming here and posting. I think you're going to fit in and find a lot of helpful advice. I'm just an email away, if you need me! You hang in there, Sonia!

Monica

"I have all I've waited for and I could not ask for more"

Thanks dave and monica. We're trying really hard to work thru it...but I have a vivid imagination, and I am dramatic..so therefore I make everything so much more grand in my own mind. Character flaw I guess. I did lose it this morning, and asked him exactly what she looked like. The heifer is fatter than me, and a hellofa lot younger. Pft. At least I looked good when I was her age (and had 2 children to boot!) <~~~That's me trying to make myself feel better about myself. I know it's not my fault...but the voice in my head tries to convince me otherwise. Yes, my dh has some deep rooted problems...and I"m hoping the MC helps us with that.

Trying to keep myself busy....which is so incredibly difficult. Last night, after he went to work I wasn't feelin' real hot....so I walked my azz off. I walked so long, and so hard I didn't think I was gonna make it home. I gotta firm up this 20 lb lighter body. heh. The weight loss has been the biggest plus in all of this. I've been wanting to take off weight for 4 years now! Horrible way to do it, but i'm feeling pretty confidant in my physical appearance...and that hasn't happened in a very long time.

The infidelity diet is a powerful one! I lost 8 lbs the first week. I absolutely could not eat. I'm not normally one of those, "Oh, I forgot to eat today!" kind of people. (I wish!) But after finding out about the ex's A, I just could not eat - or it wouldn't stay down, if I did. I would get a little bag of Reese's Pieces and make it last 2 days.

Exercise is a great way to deal with stress, Sonia. It releases a lot of endorphins and helps take our mind off of things - and it's good for us, too. Sometimes, we just need some relief and that seems to help.

I was watching Oprah last week. The show was about cheating spouses and the first guests, the H had cheated with the W's best friend. Oprah said, "How did it start?" I was sitting there saying to my best friend, "He's going to say that his W nagged too much (and she admitted to being a nagger) and that her friend just 'understood' him - and that he talked to her about how to deal with his W and their marital problems..." That's pretty much exactly what he said. There is absolutely nothing you could have done, Sonia. And, there is nothing that you SHOULD have done or shouldn't have done that would have kept him from straying. He was being selfish and going to someone else to get his UNSPOKEN needs met. I'm quite sure if he would have sat you down and said, "I'm feeling like..." instead of turning to someone else, you would have done everything in your power to right whatever wrongs he came to you with. Since he did not, he took that option away. You may shoulder some responsibility for the state of the marriage prior to the A,(not talking, etc.) but that still doesn't make it your fault that he cheated.

In the meantime, take your victories where you can find them! Buy yourself some cute new (smaller sized!) clothes, keep up your exercise routine and try and find some time for yourself. Your kids need you.

Monica

"I have all I've waited for and I could not ask for more"