Hmmm...i feel really crappy right now.

For the past 8 months I have been helping my wife with her internet business. She is Korean and is selling items that you can buy here at Target (etc.) over a Korean auction site. She "seems" to be making money, but she isn't really keeping accounting of things so there is no real way of knowing exactly how much she is making versus the LARGE amount of time this takes up. Other than looking at my credit card bill and almost fainting (since I am the one bank rolling this endever).

Around the time my D was conceived, I actually had a gut feeling that my wife was seeing someone. Our sex life had become none existent and I really felt like my D might not be mind. She had been going out VERY often, working late, and not telling me where/who with. My sullenness with this menafested itself and I let it slip to my pregnant wife my feelings. She got very defensive. It was a bad thing to do. I only had feelings. I had been hearing from her talk about one of her co-workers. He was having sex with many of the girls in the office. All the girls in the office talked about how handsome he was. She even said her and her best friend at work talked like they should sleep with him since it seemed to be a company benefit. At the same time, during all this talk...she asked me to pick up an application for grad school at the school I work at...for what turned out to be this guy. She also seemed upset with me that I didn't get it to her very quickly, but when I did eventually give it to her, she never gave it to him. It just sat on the TV until I finally threw it away. The guy got fired months ago.

Almost every night when I get home from work, I then have to go out on a buying trip...normally requiring me to drive for 4+ hours buying the different things on her list that has sold. Worst of all, my S who is 3 1/2yo is my little shadow...and refuses to let me go w/o him (I also have a D who is 9mo). This means he is out and about until late night, eats the crap food that I have to buy while out on these trips, and generally is spending his years now sitting in a car seat while daddy is driving all over LA. My wife even got a GPS unit, even though I don't need it (she is EXTREMELY bad at directions).

Our M has not been very happy. She has the motherly instincts of a door knob and I have been the one to primarily take care of the kids. We did go to a marriage counselor for a little while, until basically she got tired of telling her she needed to change.

Anyway (and I know I'm very long winded and only half way through), at the end of June I had had enough. I really felt like all this driving was wearing me out and was DEFINITELY NOT good for my S. I told my wife to stop this...to which I got a reply from her that she only cared about money. It was hearing this that finally turned my opinion...I had to get out of this and bring my children out too before their lives are effected.

So, at the start of July I actually did it. I went to my work credit union and took out a $4k loan to cover the deposit and 1st months rent on a 2bdr apartment close to my work for me and the kids (we were living in a studio that was right behind our daycare...great location, but WAY too small). When I got home, I picked up the kids and waited. As soon as she got home, she immediately told me the "great news". She had just got in a large payment and was going to completely pay off my credit card...this card that I have been shackled with for the past 15 years. I was really happy to hear this, but felt tore up inside. I couldn't let her do that (I know, I could have waited on telling her about the loan and other place, but I didn't want to do that). So I told her the truth and basically she told me to leave and take the kids. The credit card payment...it never happened.

The next day when I finally answered her phone calls, she accused me of having an OW. To which I said the only OW was our D, and there was no one else. Then her accusation went to "you must have someone in mind then". Nope, I just think my kids need to come home to a loving house, eat a healthy well cooked meal (not the spam that my S ate when we did eat at home), and go to bed at a "normal" hour.

My separation was not exactly successful. My rush after getting the place didn't consider things such as gas...and the gas company said it would be close to 2 weeks before they would come out. A 9 mo D in a place w/o hot water...are you kidding me. Plus the fact that we only have 1 car which my W normally drove to work while I rode the bus...and I was still trying to be a good guy and let her have the car during the day. Also, my new apartment had roaches, which didn't really help with the "i've made it out" feeling.

My W started offering anything to get me to move back in. She even moved out of our studio and into a town house (I told her that I wasn't moving with her, and that the choice was hers). At the same time, she basically got into a fight with the daycare (our studio landlord) and burned that bridge too (funny how when ever we had talked about splitting, I had asked her to move out so I could still use the daycare we had used for 2 1/2 years and she always said that was 'ungentlemen' of me). So I helped her move.

On that same weekend, it was right before one of her friends was suppose to start working for her on Monday (she had not told anyone about my separation...too ashamed...it's a Korean thing). So she was really wanting me to move back in. So much so, that she set up us to drive past a Mini Cooper dealership (I have wanted a Mini Cooper since before 2002 when BMW brought them back to the states). As soon as we got out of the car, she immediately told the salesman "get him whatever he wants". Since most Minis are customized, you pick and chose what options you want. So, I was kind of shocked, but still there. When we sat there to pick the options, then came the strings..."you HAVE to move back in with me and get rid of your new apartment". I don't know if it was a willingness to try to make this marriage work or just a strong desire of owning a Mini...so I countered with "IF I do, then no more buying trips during the week...on weekends it's find, but I want my S in bed at 8pm and hopefully asleep by 9...otherwise it would be D". Yes, for the first time through all of this, I used the D word. Until this point, I always told her that separation was NOT D. But on this, I specifically said D and meant it. So we put the money down on the car and ordered it...it takes a month to build a Mini. She thinks we can pay it off quickly with the money from her business.

So I moved back in. For about a week, she lived up to her side of the bargain. I also started researching on how to get out of my lease. I decided since it was close to the college where I work, I should post a flyer up looking for some student to take over the lease. Before I had time to make up the flyer, she was already reverting things back to the way they were. Me going out every night buying things. Dragging my S along with me.

I decided I had to get out of this at that point. I don't know if the marriage would work, but I needed to get my kids out. So, instead of breaking my lease at the start of this month, I downgraded from a 2bdr to a 1bdr. To make up the difference on a car payment I might be saddled with. This time, I also wouldn't jump the gun...set things up before I was ready to walk. Also, try to get her to pay off the credit card (remember, I have been the buyer and bank rolling ALL of her business on my card. I decided it should be paid off since we would have paid it off by now if I hadn't been buying so much stuff for her on it). I really felt like an ass doing all this seemingly behind her back, but I didn't know what else to do. So I have been playing "good guy"...still buying her stuff...but trying to do my best to get out.

D-DAY Sunday
I dropped my wife off at her company so she could work some. She told me there was a Target and Costco right down a street next to the street her company was on. Not exactly "right down", but I was able to find it. After doing the shopping, I was suppose to go back and pick her up. I told her this, since I had been on the phone with her during this time...I always call her while on buying trips. Anyway, I got lost on the way back to her work. That is when I decided to use her Garmin GPS. So I pulled up her favorites. There...instead of having her work was the name of a motel...3 miles away from her work.

This hit me like a brick to the stomach. When I did pick her up, after driving a little ways I asked her "is there something you want to tell me"..."are you having an affair?". Unfortunately, I gave up my only piece of evidence...the favorites. I was a noob, and didn't know better. We went there, and she claimed to never have been there. Claimed that she had bookmarked a Thai restaurant 3 blocks away. It must have been some slip up she claimed. She deleted the motel favorite. She said she would not have wrote down the name like that and pointed to the 001, 002, 003, and 004 favorites as something she would do.

So I went home, ate dinner and then went to go finish up the buying...my S demanded to go, so I brought him. After finishing up, I pulled out her GPS and punched in 002 (the closest). It was hard following the directions, even with a GPS. Up a twisted neighborhood road above Mulholland Drive. My heart was racing as I neared the destination. Then I hit a dark view point off the road about 100m away from the actual marker (there was a private drive sign preventing me from going further...but that close is close since GPS isn't an exact science). I stepped out into the darkness and looked out over LA. This was the worst feeling I ever had. The GPS had the exact longitude and latitude of the point...sure it was 100m further...but this was the place. I then went on to the next points. 003 was what seemed to be in the middle of the freeway (I think I tracked it down to a close overpass of the 101 right off the Hollywood Blvd exit...again, it is 100m away from there...but a great place to park and look at the cars going up and down the freeway). 004 was the Thai restaurant from earlier. 001 was a warehouse district in downtown with nothing seemingly close. The next day, I brought the GPS unit into work and backed up her favorites. I also google mapped the view overlook one...from there satellite view it shows the point in the middle of an open field at the top of that hill.

I have poured over her phone bills. Looking for anything strange. I haven't found anything from the current ones. I have to wait till the end of the month for the recent phone calls. I have logged into our home PC as her and went through all the saved gmail (she saved the password in the browser). It is all in Korean...all mixed in with her business. She has about 5 gmail accounts and there is a lot there but what is there I can't read and a lot looks like business. I went to hotmail and yahoo but there were no saved login/password, so it is a dead end.

2+2
I have let the GPS motel slide...for now. I'm trying to gather facts. I haven't brought up 002 or the others. Tonight though, I picked her up from work. She was very distressed...she is having a bad week at work. Anyway, today she came along for the buying trip and we ended up eating at Denny's for a late supper. During the meal she was very distant.

As we were driving back into LA, we came up over a hill and saw a view of LA. She out of the blue claimed "Oh what a beautiful view of LA. Have you ever seen a view like that?" I immediately thought back to 002. I tried to respond as calmly as I could. I started naming off all the other views of the city we had seen together. I then told her about a view my co-worker had talked about from a hiking trail. Then I asked her if she knew of any other views. "No" was her response. The tension during this time was SO THICK you could practically cut it with a knife. And for a good 4 minutes after that "no", she didn't say a word and we just drove in silence. When she did talk again, it was to say how much work she needed to do and that she needed to work late.

After getting home, I immediately went back out to the grocery store to pick up an item I had "forgot" to buy. I didn't forget, I had decided on that last grocery store while picking up milk and cereal for breakfast not to buy it just yet. So, I immediately went to check the GPS...to see if the numbers were still there. When I opened up the glove box, laying there right on the GPS was her work ID badge. She must have placed it in there out of habit...right on top of the GPS.

Before writing this, I went through her wallet. Nothing of interest in there except a phone number with a Korean word above it and a receipt for 2 frozen yogurts at 10:12pm last Saturday...which I didn't eat and didn't know about. I have kept the receipt and wrote down the phone number. I already know which of her friends she will say that was. When the time is right (and when I have the phone records for that night at the end of the month, so I can prove she couldn't have been with a friend if that friend called her during that time), this will be part of the confrontation.

AFTERTHOUGHTS
I really think she was seeing her co-worker a year ago. I think she felt proud to have someone interested in her that everyone felt was a "hunk". This is why she was upset with me when I didn't get that paperwork he asked for in a timely fashion. I also felt like maybe that paperwork was his "in" with her. He seemed to be a smooth operator. I think this relationship soured though when one of her co-workers that was quitting confided in her that she had had sex with him to. Along with hearing of all the other women at work that had relationships. Hince her never giving him that.

The evening of last Friday and Saturday: She only works until 3pm on Fridays during the summer. When I got home, I found her soaking in the tub. When I came home on Saturday, she was also soaking in the tub. My wife is multi-orgasmic, after having sex she likes to soak in the tub to relax her private parts. Thinking back, she mainly does that only after having sex.

The past few days, my wife hasn't asked for taxi money...since she has been taking a taxi to work and riding home with a co-worker (or me picking her up). So how exactly has she got to work??? So I have counted the money in her wallet and know she doesn't have enough for tomorrow.

PLAN
Tomorrow I plan on borrowing a co-workers car. I was able to get out of her tonight what time she normally leaves the house. My plan is to take a vacation day and follow her with a camera ready. When she leaves work at 3, I'll try to find out where she goes. If I can't do that, then I will try to switch cars and be back at my house before 4pm and see if she is at home. Making sure to go pick up the kids at 5:30 and be back home at the normal time of 6:00 (she had said I should ditch work early to have a little "private" time before, so I will take her up on that offer). If she doesn't show up by the time I need to go pick up the kids, I'm sure she will be back by the time I do...then I can ask when she came home.

Even if I do document something tomorrow, I still don't plan on confronting her right away. I still have to remember my earlier plan. To get my credit card paid and get things set up for my kids. Maybe I'm just an asshole, but I really don't want to hurt her...I just need myself back.

Is my concerns valid? Do I really have "evidence" or is all this fluff? Is it just my guilty conscience since I was planning on leaving before all this? I'm confused...

zinx

sorry for the very LONG post.

Sorry you had to come find us.

Here's a really short answer: trust your gut. You know her better than anyone; you know when she's telling the truth and when she's hiding something or being evasive.

Chris.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I agree with Chris - trust your gut, it is often correct.

One thing that concerns me is I was wondering why you were doing the driving for your wifes business? If you are the one who will feed the kids decently and be the good parent and your son wants to be with you, then why don't you ask you wife to do the driving herself and be at home with your kids? Correct me if I'm wrong here, but it seems like you are enabling her behavior by being so accomodating. If she is neglecting the kids a bit, perhaps they and you would be better off at home. It sounds like you are working during the day as well.

I personally don't think you are being selfish by trying to pay off this credit card - it will help both of you if the time comes that you need to separate again. After it gets paid off, you may want to put one in your and her name only - separately.

I have more I'd like to address but no time at the moment.

Hang in there. I think you are wise to wait until you have much more evidence. Wandering spouses (WS) will often be dishonest at first when confronted and it has a way of making you feel crazy.

Charlie

I know it is enabling. That is why I had made the stipulation that it had to stop. Unfortunately, it hasn't, which is why I had already put into motion a way to get out.

As far as my wife driving, she is horrible at directions. During the whole time I have known her, I was always the one driving. That is why she got the GPS. She also follows the same route to work everyday, if there is a traffic jam she just sits there until she gets through. It has to be the same way every time. As far as the business driving, it is a LOT of places to remember where to get to and have to think on which freeway connects to which (here I go, giving enabling speech).

As far as neglect of the kids...I'll put it this way: this week I came home one night and was dropping my S into bed (he had fallen asleep in his car seat) when I noticed my D wasn't in her crib (they share a room). I went into our room and found my wife sleeping in the bed alone. I had to go into the TV family room to find my D sleeping in her swing. My wife had basically left her there as she went 2 rooms over (the house is arranged as FR-KBDR-OurBDR) and sacked out into bed. I was not a very happy camper. Granted, back when she was a new born, there were some nights that she did sleep in her swing. But we were in a studio, the swing was right beside the bed. (This was before she was sleeping throughout the night, so by the time you would get her to sleep she would wake up for the next feeding...and no my W didn't breastfeed for very long, so it was me up all night doing this).

zinx

Your right, a swing is not the place to leave a sleeping child unless you are close by and easily awoken.

It also doesn't seem healthy for your son to be in the car that much regardless of wanting to be with you or not. Is your wife competant enough to watch either of them? I mean, you allow her to watch the youngest, right? I guess it comes down to whether or not you feel she is capable of caring for them safely.

Do you realize that if you pushed it and told your wife that she needs to take both kids at night that she would be unable to see anyone while you are gone if she is having an A? Not that this would keep her from having one, if she is, but it would certainly be more difficult. She may fear the older child would tell you? I could be way off here, but it seems very convenient for her to sell this stuff and play dumb with directions as well as have you take your son with you. What a perfect opportunity to take advantage if indeed she is doing this.

It sounds like you have more issues that need to be dealt with rather than just an A in your marriage. I also had more issues than just an A in my marriage and I know it is rough. These things won't change until you insist that they do and stick to a plan. It does sound like you are planning something out but how do you change things now to make them better for yourself? I also think those kids need to be thought of more than anything. They are unable to make choices on their own.

Charlie

"That is why I had made the stipulation that it had to stop. Unfortunately, it hasn't, which is why I had already put into motion a way to get out."

Stipulations that are not followed by action/s are not taken seriously...but I guess you know that.

Charlie

I feel that my goals with the new place is for my children. I know the current situation isn't healthy. I am the only one that gives them baths...brushes his teeth...gets them dressed. Hell, she even has an older Korean lady come and clean house (dishes, laundry, etc.) 2x a week. Yet my wife complains if I ask if she can feed my D while I bath my S in the morning...saying she does too much (LMFAO).

In all honesty, this relationship was wrong from the start. I moved to Korea for a year and a half. When I first arrived, she basically was planning our wedding. I never even remember proposing. I was also just getting out of a long relationship (yeah, rebounding, I'm well aware of that now). And I know you are asking yourself...wtf is this guy talking about? How did he even get to this point then?

It is simple. We were living together in Korea. The views on that in Korea are HIGHLY negative, especially between a Caucasian and Korean. And then she got pregnant with my S. We were not married when my S was born...my visa was expiring...it was time for me to come back to the States (no, I'm not military). She had wanted to have an abortion when she found out she was pregnant...and she had never wanted a boy (Korean law actually makes it illegal to tell the sex of babies, but since I'm American the doctor and nurses enjoyed telling her it was a boy...which made her even more upset).

So, I wasn't leaving Korea without my S. Unfortunately, I could not find any 2 people to come to the embassy with me as witnesses. Everywhere I looked, people said "no"...my wife had avoided all social gatherings at my work. You have no idea how it feels when someone will say "no" to your face on getting your flesh and blood out of a bad situation. And how bad of a situation...well, after his birth she had made the comment "maybe i should kill him and then myself". EVEN AFTER THAT, THESE PEOPLE I HAD WORKED WITH FOR OVER A YEAR SAID "NO". What option did I have...abandon my S and return to the States...so I got married.

Even without this A, I already had my foot out the door. I really feel that I don't want to hurt her, yet I'm hurting myself instead and I can't do that any longer. This A is just tearing myself apart though...I don't think I deserved this. It is just more hurt onto hurt.

As far as my S not coming with me on buying trips, at the time I didn't have any real suspicions. Sure, there were some over a year ago...as I said, around when my D was conceived. But not at the moment. She blind sided me with this one. Maybe I should count myself as lucky, probably it is because of this A that she is too busy to notice that I have the new apartment and have started "nesting" for my kids to try to have normalcy. She is too busy worrying about getting caught than looking.

Regardless of all this, this feeling right now is severe hurt. I am surprised it is hurting like this. I feel as if I was just punched in the stomach. My legs are all weak. Only thing is, this has been feeling like this since Sunday...5 days of being punched in the stomach. I just hope I keep a handle on things and don't move out too soon. Not until everything is ready for my children. I learned my lesson last time. As someone said on a thread on these boards..."you are not ready for divorce if you are running for the door...but if you are walking, that's a different story". Well, I was walking toward that door before this A even came up. I just hope I can still be walking with this dust settles.

zinx